I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Eva,
I copied this from a website:
There’s a well-known legend about two wolves:
A Cherokee elder was teaching his children about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to them.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil ”“ he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good ”“ he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you ”“ and inside every other person, too.”
The grandchildren thought about it and after a minute one of them asked, “Which wolf will win?”
The elder simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Eva,
for some reason they chose to feed the evil wolf at some point in their lives. the good wolf just got weaker and weaker but now it doesn’t even exist. I’ve been thinking about it recently and it occurred to me that it isn’t enough to fight our negative impulses, you have to FEED your good impulses or they die. That’s one thing that LF does for me so well, it feeds all those good impulses of compassion for others.
Eva, RIGHT?
You’re so funny!
LL
LL-Woman you are awesome! Way to get all those red flags! I’m so impressed by you. I am worried about DW. I am not trying to be judgmental but jmho, going away with someone after 2 months is a BAD idea. Being intimate that early is a BAD idea. Going away with someone when you haven’t even yet been intimate is BAD idea. Maybe it’s just me, but I would want that first intimate experience to be on my own turf and on my own terms. That dude is nothin but some big time bad news.
sorry but I put that last post on the wrong thread!
Hi everyone…its me, robxsykobabe!
Eyeyeyeyeyeyeyeyeeeee…I messed up! We got back together in May of last year, about 5 months after having no contact. He contacted me and we met…he was super skinny and looked ‘different’. I let him have it…all the anger I had, and he brought with him a letter from his therapist he had been seeing saying he completed therapy!
Needless to say, we dated again…AND went to couples counseing. He said he was ‘on the boat’ with me, professing all he had ‘done’ to change (which basically consisted of trying to tell the truth and not speakign with ‘ex’ girlfriends). He said he dated one girl but he didnt care about her because ‘she wasnt you”.
Our ‘bliss’ lasted about 6 months when he dropped the bomb on me that he had NO money…blamed it on possibly the state as he had paid money for a DUI he got 11 years ago. Said he would have money after November because his ‘hits’ would be done.
We had talked about moving in earlier and December rolls around. W have a heart to heart about him moving in cause I had told him in May I wasnt dating him for long…it was either gonna happen or not. He said he still didnt have any money but would at the end of the month. We talked about boundaries I set regardign ‘toting’ him around town on a whim because of his restricted drivign privledges. He didnt ‘like’ my boundaries but said he was moving in.
Xmas comes and he had bought me a dog!…in October! He asks me if I ‘know what this dog means for the two of us”. I say ‘yes, a commitment”. He agrees. He moves in in January and my grandma dies Jan 3. Very rough as we were close.
He and I begin to fight alot and admittedly so, my attitude is poor. I was adjusting to him, his son, the dog and me all livign in my 900 square foot condo AND the death of my grandma.
So, all along we are still in couples counseing. WE have an arguement in mid January over his son and the fact that his son does NOTHING independently…ALWAYS has to be with us or beign entertained.
He brigngs boxes home and leaves them in teh car…we have a heart to heart and he tells me he was planning on moving out but decided not to because Im ‘not nice’. Originally we agreed on him paying teh bills and I pay the mortgage…he gets the bills and has a fit! He says he has no money to pay them.
The end of January I decide I need to make a choice to change my attitude…I want him and his son there so I need to handle the adjustment and death. Fine…Im on the road to positive actions!!! As Im getting back to me, initiating sex, being funny, ect, hes rejecting me.
I have my feelings hurt A TON in the span of about 3 weeks (the time I was ‘being good”) and tell him about it. He responds to me “you’re not gonna get the reaction you want from me until you act better. Be nice.” Im hurt more…I ask and ask for attention and affection. He ignores me. I begin to feel like the third wheel between he and his son IN MY OWN HOME!!! I tell him about this and he says “he’s my kid…I want to spend time with him”. I say “at the cost of me?” No answer.
This continues and I have a talk with him about my feelings…again. I tell him I feel like he doesnt care about me, isnt interested in me, isnt attracted to me. He does not acknowledge it. He does tell me hes been REALLY stressed with work, the state, and me and would like to come home to peace. I agree. He tells me he felt ‘obligated’ to move in with me because I ‘put a time limit on me.” WEVE DATED FOR 4.5 YEARS…time limit my ass!!! I tell him he doesnt have to be here…he stays.
Im still askign for attention and affection. He tells me ‘why dont you hug me if you want affection? Why dont you come onto me if you want sex?” I come onto him and I stay fully clothed and receive NO touch, kisses, anything. He is naked and ready to go and says to me “so, do you want to get on?” He says he sees nothign wrong with what he said and the fact that Im not naked or aroused from lack of touch. Im devistated.
By this time Im HHUURRTT baddddddd and have a VERY bad attitude. Lots of tone problems, sarcasim, ect and I CONTINUE to tell him I want affection and attention as I am hurt and am lookign to him to sooth me. He doesnt.
He comes home from work MOnday and tells me “Im not in love with you”…says its very sad. I help him pack his shit but he seemed to be ‘leaving’ items like his electric razor, coffee pot, clothes, ect. We have a small arguement and he proceeds to tell me “Im not attracted tto you, interested in you or feeling you.” Im crushed again as I am a VERY attractive (no conceit intended) woman with a fantastic body.
I ask for my keys back since hes not livign there anymore…he acts surprised. Im serious.
He leaves and I find out the next day he had paid ONE bill while in my house…the cable bill which was in HIS name. I am now stuck with about 800 dollars in bills from the two months we lived together…not to mention a 4 month old puppy (although Im not ‘stuck’ with her…I LOVE HER).
Anyone, anyone?
babe,
Oh MY!
You’ve been trained like a dog!
that was the “tell”. He asked you what the dog meant, but he had a different meaning. He was planning to train you, and he did! He trained you to “be nice” for your “reward” OMG.
My exP did the same thing to me.
After about 5 years together I asked him why we couldn’t be married. He said it’s because we fight too much. He wanted me to be nicer to him. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
Oh no, I’m triggered and going to start cussing again. It’s like I have blogging tourettes’ syndrome lately.
I’ll try to be calm.
Anyway that line about why we couldn’t marry lasted 25 YEARS!!!!
(pause -re-sist-ing —- re-sisting —urge ….to…. cusss)
KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT RIGHT NOW AND DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT HIS KID BECAUSE HE DOESN’T- HE’S A CARD CARRYING, DYED IN THE WOOL SPATH.
Yeah…It feels like hes tried training me like a fucking dog! “Be niiiiiiiiiiiice” and then I get a treat (affection). Since about the beginning of January, he had been ‘nit picking’ at me for STUPID shit and I thought it WAS because he was ‘stressed’ about money, moving in, ect. Then he began making comments about my body (which is 5’10, 145 lbs and in fitness competition shape) and how ‘skinny’ I am and how my ‘ass used to be so much bigger and plumper…now its almost not there…eeewwwww.”
I told him Ive NEVER begged anyone for affection or attention..what the FUCK is that about? What is this allllllll about!!! The day before he was tellign the dog trainer how when we get a house he wants a mastiff…he was referrign to us as a ‘family’. His son referred to MY house as ‘home” and “my bedroom’ and “my puppy”. He CLEARLY felt connected at my place…
What happened without me seeing it…again! I was used?
This is a game of power and control, huh? In therapy, I said I felt like HE felt totally out of control in his own life. He tries to be teh boss at work…but isnt, he tries to bully the state…but cant, he tries to call the shots with me…I resist. He says ‘some of that is true, I guess…I DONT have any control over what happens in lots of areas of my life. I can control us though.” I say, “it seems like you thik Im dispensable.”