I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
robxsykobabe, i’m very sorry to hear what happened, this is horrible- I can’t imagine the heartache you’re feeling. You know NOW that this guy is a bonafide sociopath nitwit and MAKE A PACT with yourself to get him out of your life PERIOD. No ifs ands or buts about it… NO CONTACT. The cycle is quite familiar, you express your needs to him, he either diminishes it or blame shifts, its “YOURS not HIS” problem ( yeahhhh riiight. ). Sociopaths talk a lot of schpeal but their ACTIONS show their true intents and motives.
The “be nice” part pisses me off, because i know just what he was trying to imbue you with- that is hands down an M.O. to CONTROL you… You were GREAT to him! And he still wants you to act on his beck and call- because he is a cold, heartless, Piece of shit Psychopath.
Definetely think survival right now, make that pact with yourself.. make sure you’re in a safe place, make sure you’ve cut him out of your life ONE HUNDRED PERCENT without any strings… delete/block his number if you have to. WHATEVER. So you can heal properly..
I’m sorry.. be glad it was 4-5 years and not 30. Cut your losses, start anew. Best… ((((((((big hugs))))))))
Thank you…
Sooooooo much comes to mind about the control…for example:
We go to Kohls bc he wants a new suit jacket. The jacket is 90 dollars…he only has 70 with him. He brings the jacket to the counter where I paid for my own things. The bill comes out for HIS jacket…he pulls out his 70 dollars and says “oh, can you pay for this? I only have 70 dollars.” Why the FUCK didnt he bring his debit card? I know why! We get home and I say “you can write me out a check for 90 dollars.” He’s bent!
We go to the store bc he says he wants some bread for a meal we’re having. I say I want to pick up some pop then too. HE decides we shoudl get 3 twelve packs bc its ONLY 9 dollars then. I say fine. We go to the counter and he puts the bread up and scanns it…turns around and hands ME a five dollar bill! I say, “youre not gonna get the pop?” He says “I didnt come here to get the pop…I only wanted the bread.” Its NEVER been like that…if one of us ‘picked’ something up and it was the OTHERS idea, teh other would get the tab…WTF! I say “THIS will NEVER happen again, as I swiped MY debit card to the tune of 25 dollars.”
I dont know why I seem to have SUCH a hard time comprehending the gravity of what happened here. I am a Masters level Therapist!! Hes got a GED, lives at home with mommy and daddy at 37, has a restricted driving license and cant afford to pay a fuckign bill…
What did he EVER want from me!?
babe,
he doesn’t want what you have, he just doesn’t want you to have it.
He wants your self-esteem. He wants to destroy it. That’s very hard to grasp because what would that give him? nothing. it just placates his envy momentarily.
They are evil and they don’t want to go out and get a life, they want to take yours and kill it. Then you will be like them. That’s what they want.
babe,
He responds to me “you’re not gonna get the reaction you want from me until you act better. Be nice.”
Okay, I’ve not gotten through all the posts yet, but OMG!!!
LITERALLY WORD FOR EFFING WORD, MY EXPOS SAID THIS TO ME MANY, MANY TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, reading on…………
LL
babe,
I tell him about this and he says “he’s my kid”I want to spend time with him”. I say “at the cost of me?” No answer.
OH WOW SAME EXACT SHIAT!! AMAZING!! are we involved with the same SPATH?? HOLY SHIAT!!!
Okay, sorry, moving on with your posts here, just didn’t want to lose the thought.
LL
babe,
Im still askign for attention and affection. He tells me ’why dont you hug me if you want affection? Why dont you come onto me if you want sex?” I come onto him and I stay fully clothed and receive NO touch, kisses, anything. He is naked and ready to go and says to me “so, do you want to get on?” He says he sees nothign wrong with what he said and the fact that Im not naked or aroused from lack of touch. Im devistated.
OMG, where do you live? We’re totally involved with the same spath OMG……….
Lesson learned:
Illinois…you?
Babe,
I’m thoroughly convinced now that we are dating the same stupid ass spath………….OMG, you described my TEN YEAR EXPERIENCE TO A T!!!
Yeah”It feels like hes tried training me like a fucking dog! “Be niiiiiiiiiiiice” and then I get a treat (affection). Since about the beginning of January, he had been ’nit picking’ at me for STUPID shit and I thought it WAS because he was ‘stressed’ about money, moving in, ect. Then he began making comments about my body (which is 5”²10, 145 lbs and in fitness competition shape) and how ‘skinny’ I am and how my ’ass used to be so much bigger and plumper”now its almost not there”eeewwwww.”
I told him Ive NEVER begged anyone for affection or attention..what the FUCK is that about? What is this allllllll about!!
I say to him “what did you expect would happen when you moved in? What did you think you were gonna have to do when living with me?” He responds “I thought it would be more fun.”
Whats this shit about him saying “im just not attracted to or interested in or feelin you.” When I packed his stuff for him, was he trying to call my bluff? And when I asked for my keys back, and he looked at me like ‘are you serious” was he REALLY planning on leaving or did he want me to beg him not to go?