I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Per the pained expressions during sex, mine always did that while orgasming. It struck me as odd only because the pained expression to me was something that almost felt like he didn’t WANT to have the orgasm or was fighting it on some level. Can’t quite explain that. I find it interesting that a few of you here noticed the same thing with your spaths.
Mine also withdrew IMMEDIATELY after orgasm, EVERY SINGLE TIME. This never happened with ex P or with first bf. I got the feeling, many many times that exPOS didn’t like the actual act itself as much as he liked the bj’s he was getting out of me. I also got the feeling that he thought sex was “dirty” . MANY times he’d tell me, “yes, sex is messy”. Blech!
I don’t know if the pained expression was more about biology than reading into anything with regards to resistance. Dunno. Just a feelin I had and funny that a few here mentioned it.
LL
Eden, Akita,
Wondering how you’re both doing? Hope to see you both here soon.
LL
LL – funny that this has come up. My spath never made any noises – silent. Sometimes he did the act but (from experience) I don’t think he actually ejaculated although he pretended to. I never made an issue of it but bells are ringing here.
His face was expressionless and once it was over he fell straight to sleep!
Candy
Now THAT has been reiterated here with experiences a time or two about the silence. THAT was REALLY odd for me!! First time I ever experienced it was with the last POS. Mine was a faithful user of condoms (sloppy about it though), and so I could tell whether he ejaculated or not. Funny how this turned into a big game for him too. He knew I looked at the condoms afterwards. MANY times there was nothing. I assumed this to mean he was OVER sexed and could NOT orgasm. NOw, I don’t think so. I think this was a game for him with me. He would lie to me about that too as if I would be that stupid, which would piss me off more.
EEEK! I”m SO GLAD to be out!!
LL
To candy & lesson learned,
Re “funny that this has come up. My spath never made any noises ”“ silent” and “His face was expressionless”
The SAME with my spath, when he orgasmed. Sometimes just barely a silent “sigh” .. never really a noise or smile after he orgasmed..
When I recalled my first love of 9 years, he at least made noises & SMILED at me when he had sex, so at least I had something “normal” to compare him to, though long long ago (around when I was age 18).. now I have someone BETTER to compare my spath to, on that level..my love of >10 years.
I think that is what these insecure bastards count on..that we have NO ONE to compare them to, and if we do..its the WHORE-MADONA PROJECTION..like we are either one or the other, not complete human beings who have had REAL experience in life. And I think that is why pedos go after young women. I’ve seen it again & again, on womansavers.com & DDHG profiles, that these types have little wee wees, so feel INSECURE in themselves, & take it out on the women. Then there’re the ones with BENT weenies who I’ve read about on those sites. Very possibly they have Peyronies Disease. Many of them were kicked in the genitals when they were kids. I have a friend who dated this guy who had a bent one. He sodomised her..took her anal virginity. Seems they have to “re-live” their childhood abuse onto their adult partners.
Excellent post LL, (at 11:17AM above to Petite)
I knew you could say it better than I because you’ve been their as the OW. I suppose it really makes no difference whether we were their OW, wife, mother or daughter, they ARE ALL THE SAME. They are sadists that want to inflict pain.
On that note, LL, I’ve been reading on another thread about your son. A few months ago, you told us that you were seeing signs that your youngest was acting a bit like a spath and you were worried. You were right. But you also said that this is the one that had had no problems before, this is kind of new?
It does seem like he’s in danger of becoming one of them, considering the genetics and also the drama that he has witnessed his whole life. He could have a drama addiction, that would explain his ADHD too.
Judging from the relationshits that most spaths have with their mom’s it’s possible that this acting out is all ABOUT YOU!
He might be trying to test his limits with you, perhaps trying to re-enact the drama that he saw his brothers go through. My advice as always, is: GREY ROCK. When he acts out, give him no emotion. Practice being bored. Only give him attention when you are pleased with his behavior. Any discipline should be done with NO EMOTION and a touch of boredom. But be strict, fair and CONSISTENT. Think about what you are going to do, make sure you can pull it off and then do it.
I do believe his behavior is only going to get worse if everyone reacts to his DRAMA with more DRAMA. Don’t give him any.
Zim – now here we have something! Mine has a big willy BUT he had no testicles. Not wishing to be crude but his were kind of part of his willy. Like one mass. and VERY tender, he could not bare me to even lightly touch them. Is that usual? I have seen a lot of men and a lot of willies in my nursing career but never one like this. It was like one big muscle! Gonna check out the disease you mentioned.
..and the spath doesn’t even have to have a small one or a bent one to “re-live” the abuse..all it takes is PREMATURE EJACULATION ISSUES..
candy.
yes, DO check out that disease..
My ex had a little larger than “average” (whatever “average” is), but I could barely count, SLOWLY, “15 Mississippis” (and I consider myself to be a Southerner, so you know I count slowly!) before it was all done, EACH and EVERY time. Despite me accepting all of his foibles & “short-comings” .. this guy had the GALL to do what he did to me?!!
I know that I wasn’t the only one who noticed he’d had “performance issues” .. One wife of one of his band members, after he broke up with me, sent an e-mail to me, stating that the woman he dated before me (I’ll call her “D”) had said he had “performance issues” & that, at first, one woman in her circle of friends (my former circle of friends), who had introduced him to “D”, thought at first that “D” was “sour grapes” because my ex did not pursue a relationship with “D”, but later, several women in my former circle thought otherwise (that “D” was not about “sour grapes”, after I told them about his ad on the swingers’ site, for “bi” sex. I kept that e-mail from my friend, and QUOTED it almost verbatim (indicating it’s date, I think), in one profile I created about him on-line.
Funny thing, the first time my ex (alleged SPATH) tried to have sex with me..back when I was around age 18, he got naked BEFORE telling me that he lived with a woman..BUT HE COULDN’T GET IT UP BACK THEN! That & the fact that I too-late discovered he was living with a woman, “decided” me on not pursuing a relationship with him, when I was in my late teens. I should have held to that thought..not decided to have a relationship with him >30 years later! Oh well..hindsight is 20-20. My story only confirms..ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER.
Here’s a little tip for you ladies that might make you laugh..I read about this “test” on DDHG. An empty toilet paper roll is about 4.5″ long. One gal who posted on DDHG cajoled her lover into letting her “try on” the empty toilet paper roll, when he was totally erect. He could not even “poke” out the other end of it..so..guess what THAT means. Ha ha. Humor takes the edge off of the suffering we’ve all been through. Doncha think?