I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Comments, anyone? Now I think to publish my book as an e-book, to get my story out, to help other women. It consists of two volumes of memoirs (I cannot say the name of it up here, due to rules to which I adhere), but, suffice it to say, it took me FIVE years to write, passing through $2,000-worth of permissions, from authors I quoted, and, IMOP, is WELL researched! POWER TO WOMEN WHO HAVE ENDURED YEARS OF DOMESTIC ABUSE!
To lesson learned,
Re: “He wasn’t as “attracted” to me if he knew he could “have” me. I would have been relegated to “madonna” status. He didn’t want me to be madonna status because I’d always been “Whore” status”
The thing is, with me, in my own situation, I would have GLADLY, had I the CHOICE, to be a traditional” wife. But, he did not, in my opinion, give me that choice, even though he seemed glad that I had the honest personality/background to help him rear his daughter. From what his first wife confided to me, he would not even take the time to discuss with her, what the name of their conceived child would be.
In retrospect, I think he was trying to PLAY GOD. I mean..what male, with ethics, decides that a woman should be forever barren? According to what his 1st wife told me, when she became pregnant, he would not even help her name the child, and he ran off with a couple of gay “motorcycle guys” …
My last comment got cut off..here it is:
Jered learned Welch’s song, Somethin’ Bout You
To robxsykobabe,
..again, when I bought my ex (probably more than 16) silk/Italian ties, and the one (probably also silk) with James Dean’s image on it, I did not knøw, at that time, about James Dean’s bisexual history. My point being..My ex, IMOP, was a DECEPTIVE, pathological LIAR/GIGALO who preyed on women for more than thirty years, and, to my knowledge, has not been caught yet, for it. “Living off women” for him, IMOP, included (fact) his older sister lending him $17K. He/she signed a legal/signed contract (that he showed me, that I saw, but not until I had lived with him for more than 6 years), that basically stated that, if he went bankrupt, he would still owe her that amount, and that he could not write off his debt to her. He DID go bankrupt while he lived with me.
To me, my ex’s “motives” were no better than a pimp’s.
Below is another free excerpt from my book, yet unpublished: “More than 10 years ago, SPIN magazine published a story by Roy Cohn, aide to Senator McCarthy, alleging that a gay man had seduced (and allegedly statutory raped) him when Roy was a youth. For years, (according to a SPIN magazine article) Cohn thought he might be gay, yet after living in gay men’s apartments and after much soul searching, found that he really loved women—that his confusion came from the childhood sexual abuse, specifically from being seduced by a homosexual man before he became an adult. From his article in SPIN, readers would think that Cohn was relieved that he was not bisexual or gay. Cohn announced that he was meant to love a woman, married, and claimed he was not in that life anymore. I found published information since that article (many are up on the world wide web) that Cohn led a double life. One blog about Cohn’s employer, communist witch-hunter Senator Joe McCarthy, conveyed that Senator McCarthy had also been reported to have illicit homosexual relations”
I am giving these excerpts away, on this web site, to make a point about so-called “bisexuals” or persons who have confused sexual identities, due to sexual abuse when they were children.
I kept his nasty ads and emails as proof. I still have them. I’d like to stick that proof in front of the nose of the ex priest, the gay man that NPR sensationalized.
Even former Senator McCarthy’s Aide, Roy Cohn, was sexually confused by a similar child molester; he discussed his early seduction in a SPIN magazine article some years ago, and how it damaged him though I do not recall the title. Like those advocating that gays should be Scout leaders, this stupid person spouting off on NPR is obviously blind, and it doesn’t take a Christian fundamentalist to know this.”
If you don’t think that child molestation can effect one’s sexual/gender identity later, consider The Washington Post Magazine article, of August 10, 2008, “Long Live the Queens” by Lonnae O’Neal Parker. Part of the article was about drag queen Donnell Robinson, a hairdresser who performed as “Ella” at Ziegfield’s, a gay club on Half Street SE, Washington D.C. Robinson, by day, was a hairdresser:
“his grandparents raised him after he’d been abused by a close relative as a young child. [ ] he hid from them the fact that at 13, he was molested by a 16-year-old foster child they’d taken in.” (24) [Excerpts cited and reprinted within fair use are ©2008 The Washington Post Company.]
Jered’s life would parallel Robinson’s in several ways: 1) Jered dressed in drag (thinking it “love play”, but considered it “foreplay” with a woman); 2) Jered was sexually molested by a male relative at age 12; and 3) Jered, since he was a teen, and through his 40’s and 50’s, sought the “limelight” of the stage.
Keep in mind what I wrote in my book & cited above, about James Dean: “Regulars at the Club tagged him with a singular moniker: the Human Ashtray. When stoned, he would bare his chest and beg for his masters to stub out their butts on it”
At one point, my ex (alleged SPATH) told me, in my early months with him, that the scar on his forearm was from burning himself with a jeweler’s torch. Around 8.5 years later, when he was about to dump me, he admitted that same scar came from his youth, when he played “chicken” with another male, putting a cigarette between their arms, to see who would withdraw it first (who “chickened out” first, and withdrew his arm).. It is a characteristic of BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER, for a person to SELF HARM. Think about this example!
The thing I worry about most, when I worry at all, is..why aren’t more heterosexual/monogamous men voicing their opinions about these issues (re misogyny and down-low/bisexual frauds)? I wonder why many of them, since the feminist movement, even if they are so-called liberals, seem to be “jumping on the bandwagon” to “determine” that a woman is “worthier” because of her high “networth” (even in sucky economic times, when good jobs are fewer.) It seems that only the WOMEN are doing all the work.
I apologise in advance for the length of this comment, I just really need advice…I have just broken things off with a man who I highly suspect to be a sociopath. In fact I am fairly certain of it. We had known each other since my early teens and I have known of him much longer, as we grew up on streets adjacent to each other. I was introduced to him by my older brother (also a psychopath), and I am sure now that this is no coincidence either.Â
I can very regretfully say that I have seen many signs or red flags in the time I have gotten to know him, but wilfully ignored them as I was so desperate to have love in my life. I have been so lonely since I cut off all of my family with the exception of my sister. I have been grieving deeply the loss of my family, although they do disgust me and I am appalled by them. The legacy of child abuse I have endured at the hands of a narcissistic mother, a paedophilic inverted narcissist of a enabling father and a psychopath brother have left me deeply scarred and horribly vulnerable. I hate my existence sometimes.
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I think I just deeply desire any kind of comfort no matter how tiny, it didn’t even matter to me how potentially dangerous or harming he was.
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To illustrate the red flags, here are some examples I have been thinking of recently”
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He has told me of all the fights he has been in, where he has sought revenge on others for his perceived mistreatment by them, often culminating in him throttling them, and threatening to end their lives, of course the way he presented the scenarios at the time, sounded semi justifiable” but not really. Once when he was drunk, he said to me “how do you know that I would never do that to you, strangle you that is”. I think he deliberately choose to tell me these stories in advance to build a sense of fear and to intimidate me, to let me know what he was capable of when crossed. He asked the question in order to put the seed of thought in my head that this could be directed at me. Later in the conversation he told me he was a murderer. Then said he was joking. I don’t whether that was to intimidate, or if it is true. Either way, very unpleasant to think about. Still I stayed L. What was I thinking???!!!! He has also recently said that he has sent people to the insane asylum, by destroying or sabotaging things in their lives around them in such a way that could not be traced back to him, and made them wonder why everything was going wrong in their lives at once! I am now very worried that he will try to do the same to me” I’ve known him so long that he knows an awful lot of things about me, personal details of many things I didn’t think twice about telling him as a friend, but that he could now use against me! It would also be quite easy to forge my identity if that’s what he feels like doing” also he knows a lot of bad, bad people, who live relatively closely to me. (I don’t live in a particularly nice area) It wouldn’t be difficult for him to have me watched. I was forgiving of a lot of his traits because I thought that it was his past. I thought that because he is almost 40, that those things were long behind him, as he claimed. Growing up in a not very nice area means that I am too used to people who live a less than legal life, and am way too understanding about it!
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He pressured me into sex the first night he confessed his long held “feelings” for me. I am ashamed to admit that he actually penetrated me when I had said no several times, still I let him continue, and even continued the relationship after that” I know it is because I have been raped before on more than one occasion, by more than one man, I have even been attacked by a group of boys who I think would’ve tried to gang rape me if I hadn’t have fought them off so violently and made so much noise. This was when I was 17. (Luckily they were being opportunistic rather than having it planned, so they knew it was too risky to go through with it in broad daylight in a public park at the end of a residential street.) when I was 6 or 7 an old man tried to molest me a little further up the same park, in a secluded spot, but I kicked him hard an the knee and ran off! (When I finally got the courage to tell my mother, about a year after it happened, she told me I was making it up! I decided to never trust her with my feelings again!) I think my self-esteem must be bottom of the barrel in this regard. My mother used to call me a whore all the time. So did my ex, (he was one of the rapists). I think I use sex to punish myself sometimes. Before we slept together he had gotten me drunk” I didn’t realise that was his plan at the time, I just thought we were having a laugh. He knew what I had just come out from in terms of my family and narcissist ex-bf, so I said to him that I needed to be treated gently and to take time, didn’t want to get hurt again, I was just taking a chance with him because I trusted him, etc” do you know what he said to me? “that means I must have a lot of credit to even be lying next to you now— he had a big smile on his face, as if to say “jackpot!!! Now I can really take the P!!!!”
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He had hinted on other occasions that he knew more about my sexual history than he had let on. He once mentioned someone in conversation that had taken advantage of me when I was 13/14, and still living in a very abusive environment at home, he was talking about this guy, then said “you know ’X’, right”?”, now I did not know this guy particularly well, it was not something that was ongoing. He would never have known about it, unless they had discussed it a long, long time ago. I found it very chilling and like he had been checking up on me. (more about this later) Before this conversation, he had always gone on about how much respect he has for me, and how he knows I don’t “spread it around” so to speak” I think this was his indirect way of saying that actually he thought I did, and that I was a liar. I’m not lying. I did fall prey to some horrible paedo men when I was younger, but it was again it was self-punishment, vulnerability, and that was a long time ago. I am not naturally promiscuous, and in my adult life, I have been very faithful to my partners, and have not slept around particularly when I was single.
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He has done all the usual pity ploys, (boss is mean and he is underpaid, parents don’t care about him, financial hardships) especially disturbing is that he claims that he himself had been in abusive relationships, (also probably to create that pseudo soul mate connection) with women who were in particularly vulnerable positions at the time he entered their lives. He claims that they emotionally, mentally and physically abused him, although I doubt very much that this is true. The likelihood is that even if they did say things that bruised his fragile ego, they were probably just stating facts, if they physically assaulted him, it was likely in self defence. It seems that it’s his preference to prey on particularly vulnerable women in order to get what he needs as he knows that he is not an attractive guy.
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I also suspect that he was hoping to leech off of me, but spare money is not something I have. When I got my student loan, all of a sudden he was in dire financial straits, needing £1200 urgently! He brought it up in conversations a few times, and although he never directly asked me for help, manipulators never do! I had an inkling of suspicion that he was hoping for the offer of a loan, but after my experiences with my ex, I will never offer financial assistance to a boyfriend again! So I did not take the bait” thankfully. I also suspect that he was still involved with his ex, (the one he claims abused him- why would you stay friends with an ex who allegedly threatened to throw boiling oil over you?) After I did not offer financial assistance, he told me that he was in the clear because some friends had offered him a long-standing interest free loan (because they loved and trusted him so much!) I asked him directly if one of those friends was his ex”(he had said on previous occasions that she was quite well off, so I put two and two together) he brushed past it in the conversation, so I repeated the question, and he finally admitted she was one of the people” to this I asked if it was wise to owe anything to a former abuser, to which he replied “don’t worry I can handle her—! It seems so clear now! Obviously I wasn’t the only one he was plying with pity! Once he asked me (indirectly) if I thought I could make a lot of money from my business” naïve me, said yes, in the future, after this he was all talk of how he wanted to be my house husband because his work was so physically draining (he’s a mechanic) and that he was on the verge of a mental breakdown, and would need a break from his career, and besides any children we would have he wouldn’t want anyone else outside of the family raising!!! Can you imagine what he’d be like!? I shudder!
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He wanted to get me pregnant” another thing I am ashamed of is that I did not use protection with him. I trusted him so implicitly, that I felt it was ok. I am now really worried that he may have given me an STD. My periods have changed ever since we started sleeping together. They are unusually light, and do not last long. I looked it up, and it’s a sign. I have cramps all the time now also. I am so disappointed in myself. I thought I was smarter than that, and that I had learned from my horrific experiences. I am going to the sexual health clinic, but to be honest, I already know. I just hope it’s nothing too serious. I suspect he is sleeping with quite a few women now, so it could be bad, I just have to wait and see. Just the fact that he was hoping that I would get pregnant so early on in our romantic relationship is questionable anyway” I know I wanted it too, but I know it is because I so desperately want a family. A loving nice healthy happy family. I have never had one. The only blood relative I have that is sane and lovely is my little sis. I wish so badly I could have my own. This world just seems so cruel and empty without one.
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I think he was stalking me from a young age for several reasons, firstly what I had mentioned above, but also that he has said to me things like he remembers me when I was in my mother’s pram. He remembers me asa child being unhappy, and forced to go to church, he said that once he was walking behind me (in that same park) and watching me, but I don’t remember this so obviously he was being discrete even if he may be making this all up to frighten me
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I am constantly paranoid and
Note: I am all for “shades of gray”..am neither a staunch feminist nor a stanch traditionalist. I fall somewhere in between. Anyone else know this feeling?