I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Sorry, continued from above…
and find it hard to trust as it is. The next minute, I am open and fragile, and subsequently taken full advantage of because of my kind spirit? When will this horror end? Will it end?
I really don’t know what to do ladies… I have stopped calling him, and although  he has not called me in the last few days, he will again soon. I have no doubt about that. I won’t pick up, but I am worried what the repercussions of cutting him off will be? He leaves minutes away from my dear sister, and my N parents. If he was feeling particularly spiteful he could tell them all about my sisters plans to run away, and where I live. (this is a closely guarded secret if she needs to come live here for a while, I don’t really have the space, my place is small, and I work from home, but if things escalate I will defo take her in… We plan to move away together a little while after she starts uni next year)… I have read on other threads that it is dangerous to unmask a spath, but I have no intentions of doing anything to rile him… I just have no clue what I should do next… I am scared…
The only consolation I have at the moment is that he has told me not to care about him several times. He has said he is an awful person, a c***. I comforted him because I thought he had a low self esteem. I am hoping that he has moments of guilt, however short lived, that will keep him away. Is this silly? Should I take further precautions? Please help me. I am lost right now!!!
It seems to me, often, that the “modern” men (pro feminists? not sure) are all in favor of a woman having a high-level career, while the “traditionalist” men want their “little women” to stay at home, shut up, be breeders, raise their offspring [meanwhile, many BARREN women..barren not by choice..HAVE NO CHOICE)……but also seems to me that neither categories of men recognize women “in the middle” (artists, for example), who no less need male protection, and the question of “male protection” seems to be a quality in men fast becoming extinct, other than in the “obvious” traditionalist male who wants his woman to stay at home (and often keep zipped about domestic abuse..about her own situation, or the situations of other women she knows.)
Dear Choked growth,
I am so sorry to read your story but so GLAD that you found your way here to Love Fraud..this isn’t just for people with X’s like yours but also for those of us with psychopathic families of origin as well. There are those of us here with little or no biological families left, either parents or children (I’m one of those) so there is definitely understanding here for sure. Great articles and great support.
The healing starts out about them and ends up about us.
First off I do not doubt for one second that your x is capable of whatever you can even imagine but keeping contact up with him will NOT help him to not use and abuse you. NO CONTACT is the best way to avoid problems. If you think he is dangerous, file a report with the police department and or the courts if necessary. It may still not protect you but at the same time it is a start. The more you have to do with him the more he will hurt you over and over and over.
But also be advised that “leaving time” is the most dangerous. I would NOT get in a “leg hiking contest” with him like two dogs marking territory, but at the same time, you must get away from him….not let him influence you that he is “pitiful”—he is not, he is EVIL. He very well may have killed someone and he WILL do mean things to you if you allow him to do so. I suggest that you not answer his calls, don’t return texts or e mails and if he confronts you physically don’t open the door, if you can’t avoid talking to him, just say something on the order of “John, it isn’t going to work us, I’m sorry I let you down.” Then whatever he says back at you to try to hook you back into his web like a spider, just REPEAT the above phrase. Stay SAFE, go to a shelter if you must to keep safe. While you are doing that, LEARN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN! (((HUGS))) and God bless.
CG,
you are in a bad situation…but it could be worse, if you had not realized what he was and might have continued with him for 25 years or until death.
Several things need to be addressed here and to make matters worse, I’m going to add one that you have not considered: he will target your little sister.
They always target the things we treasure most. How old is she? How much can you tell her about your situation?
You are in danger because he has found you as a source of easy and ready supply. Your emotions are his play things. You have correctly interepreted all of his maneuvers and manipulations – I’m very impressed. Have you been reading here long? Which books have you read?
You need to get rid of him as you know but when you try to get rid of a spath, it causes a narcissistic injury and they just get violent. They become adamant that you belong to them. There is only one way to get rid of a spath and make him go away on his own: GREY ROCK. You must bore him. Become an emotionless, grey rock with no opinions or desires. I have a plan for how you can do this and make it seem real. It does somewhat depend on how long you have been sleeping together.
Go get tested for the STDs and also get an AIDS test. hopefully it is negative. Tell him you showed symptoms, got tested and came back positive for both tests, including HIV. Now pretend to go into a deep depression where you stop taking care of yourself. Don’t cry, just act numb. Act like your spirit is destroyed but you feel nothing anymore, no pain or joy. It will take awhile but without DRAMA, they go away.
Meanwhile you have a perfect excuse to GET THERAPY and you really, really need it after what you have experienced your entire life. Once you have been victimized like you have, you will only attract other predators. I know you are lonely, but you will not attract healthy people until you are healthy. They will only drag you down. Occupy your mind with school and become even more determined to excel in that area. Sometimes schools offer counseling services. Check that out.
I hope you can get your degree, get therapy, get your sister and move AWAY without leaving any forwarding address! My prayers are with you.
Hi,
I took an avitar (alias) to answer Choked growth’s question, even though I have blogged up here under another name, because I think her question deserves answers, and I agree what skylar suggested for her.
I was sexually “toyed with” by (I think) not only my mother, when I was under age six, but also my older brother. I did not bleed with first sex, when I was a “virgin” and my first boyfriend (of three years) was also a virgin. Nothing “hurt”. My hymen did not “break” .. I felt no pain, with first sex.
When I was age 12, my father, noticing I was of pubescent age, tickled me (like fathers do), meanwhile felt my breasts, to see if I “had any”..
All those things were violations of my boundaries. I often wondered, all through childhood and grade school, if my female parts were not “stretched out” because of the abuse I endured.
Now, I have known many males who have endured childhood sexual abuse, who “took it out later” on females with whom they had sex, or were in supposed committed relationships with. I never felt that “urge” to “get even”.. not ever. In fact, I took the other direction. Most of my life’s work has been working with/for battered women, or in child support enforcement, helping children/women in unfortunate circumstances.
I, too, believe that CG has been through more than most people can bear, & should get therapy, but I also do not think she is “too damaged” to function in society, to help others, and possibly become a leader in any profession she pursues/chooses. She just needs to get away from the “bad guys” … like I had to do.
I also have had many friends, throughout my life, who were adopted. Most of them seemed to have problems keeping a marriage or committed relationship together. I think it stemmed from not knowing their biological origins. One of these friends committed suicide (man). Two others I know could never get their professional lives on track. I also know, though, a handfull of friends who grew up in orphanages, and did just fine. Two of them became near millionaires. So..I guess my message is.. do not judge people just because of their unfortunate origins.
kailash,
of course I didn’t mean to imply that a person from a dysfunctional family can’t do well. It’s just that I know from my own experience that it is more difficult and unfortunately we attract people who are familiar to what we know.
As much as I THOUGHT that my exP was the polar opposite of my father, who was controlling, selfish and abusive – exP was WORSE in those 3 categories. I specifically intended to get the opposite of my dad but got a worse case. I don’t really understand it, but I’m sure part of the problem was that I couldn’t SEE what was wrong with my dad, I just knew he made me feel angry. It’s only now that I have a name and words to describe it. That helps a lot.
Thank you so so much OxD, and Skylar… I had thought about the repercussions for my sister, and that is what worries me the most…:( 🙁 I feel terrible for getting her mixed up in this mess. She is seeking counselling at her college (she is 17), and they are trying to find her a place to live. She has been offered a room in a family home, but it is occupied by a recently divorced man, and his 18 yr old son. Before hand i was disapproving of the situation, i wanted her to wait until something more appropriate came along, but do you think i should just tell her to take it for her own safety’s sake? I have already spoken to her about how she should react to him if she encounters him on the street. I told her to do something similar to the grey rock concept, just keep it light, and keep insisting that she needs to hurry up and get to college if he tries to continue to engage with her in conversation… Do you think that this is the right advice?
The funniest thing is that I had been avoiding him for ages, (even though nothing had started between the two of us) when I was escaping my N parents house, I needed extra help to move. my gut said not to ask him because i felt he might insist on coming around uninvited, as a ‘friend’. I wish so badly now that i had listened to my instincts! I also had a dream about him, where he kept turning into my ex very early on in the relationship… My unconscious mind was obviously trying to warn me… I have only visited this site for the first time today, but I did read “why does he do that?” when I left my prev. Ex, I took it out recently, and was surprised by how much I underlined when I was applying it to him…. For a while I thought he might just be emotionally abusive, but as we peob all know on here, that is usually just the start of it. I kept digging around on the web, and slowly started to realise that there was a lot more to it than that. I am really scared now. I’m hoping because he was angling for us to be just friends with benefits, he doesn’t want to possess me as badly…? Is this flawed thinking? Should I just up sticks and move? I really would prefer not to, I would rather try to ignore and avoid, but that could be risky. I have barely any money to my name, what I do have is meant to see me through the year at uni. Moving is expensive… I think he is capable of many terrible things as you have both confirmed… I am thinking now that he has mentioned arson also…
I did think about whether or not I should try the grey rock thing… But I think I will only do it if ignore/avoid is proving to be unsuccessful… I also thought that the idea if me having an STD might put him off… Thank you again. I knew I was right to be worried, my friends just dont get how awful these people can be. They say things like, oh ‘x’ wouldn’t come to your house to harass you… Yes he would!!!
CG,
my exP actually sent another sociopath to meet and marry my little sister in order to separate us, since she was my best friend. It worked. But I don’t really care because it turned out she was a spath too. They will often recruit others to hurt you. They do this by slandering you and making others hate you. That’s like what he (your spath) described having done to other people.
Ignoring him probably won’t work, but worse yet, you will have tipped him off that you want to get rid of him. Then gray rock will not work as well.
When dealing with the spaths, you have to think like they do. And do as Erin B says: Backspath.
The only thing that gets rid of them is if they think they have succeeded in destroying you and your hopes for a future. Then they get bored.
Oh, and I’m on the waiting list for counselling in my local area, it takes 8-10 weeks to just get assessed. I live in the uk, btw, does anyone here know where it is possible to get longer term deeper therapy, apparently my doc told me that they have cut funding for counselling. Is that considered the same as therapy? I have had to approach a charity org to get this counselling as it is… And a final point… I do believe I will get through this, and still make myself a success… I have been though more than most can bear as kailash said, but then I believe I am stronger and more resourceful and more determined than most. I refuse to let them win. They have tried to suck me dry, but it never lasts. I want to be an example to my Lil sis, and any one out there going through similar situ’s that you can survive, and you can thrive so long as you never give up… Look at oprah… She did it…