I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Dear Growth,
I’m not sure how old you are, or just how much experience you have had in avoiding these people….I like Skylar’s suggestion that you tell him you have an STD and HIV as well…it may make him mad but if you are a good actress you might pull it off and cry and blame yourself for catching it BEFORE you were with him….then hopefully he will get tested and turn out negative and you can hope he will stay away from you then because he will be afraid of catching something and of course you are way too afraid to have sex with anyone since you are HIV+ and couldn’t stand it if you accidently infected someone. Play it up with tears if necessary…make him leave YOU if you can.
Hopefully he will leave your little sister alone as well.
Your friends probably won’t “get it” either but you must LEARN ALL YOU CAN ABOUT PSYCHOPATHS/SOCIOPATHS AND ABUSERS and even emotional abusers so that you never again allow yourself to NOT LISTEN to your GUT INSTINCTS. Only by learning about them, and learning about ourselves can we protect ourselves. Growing up in an N or P family sets us up to accept behavior that is abusive as “normal”—so we need to learn to set boundaries and to NOT ACCEPT bad behavior as acceptable. I’m old enough I think to be your grandmother and maybe then some but I have only started learning in the last few years that I do not have to take this treatment from anyone, even family. Keep on reading and learning. Give yourself some time as well. Rome wasn’t built in a day! Keep on learning! (((hugs))))
to chokedgrowth,
Per, “I’m on the waiting list for counseling in my local area, it takes 8-10 weeks to just get assessed. I live in the uk, btw, does anyone here know where it is possible to get longer term deeper therapy, apparently my doc told me that they have cut funding for counseling”
Sorry. I don’t live in the UK. But I would suggest you find a therapist who is more of the CULTURAL RELATIONAL THERAPY/THEORY vs the COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY/THEORY strain. Suggest reading the book, “Rethinking Mental Health Disorders” (not sure I got the title right, but, from what I’ve heard/read, others who have “been through the system” have gotten bad deals from therapists who adhere mainly to CBT, rather than CRT, and bad deals from therapists who mainly adhere to the “Co-dependency” theories/therapy.
Thank you all for taking the time to both read and reply to my post, especially the great advice, and even more so the hugs!!! I defo think that I should try the STD/HIV thing if he tries to get back in contact. I can act well enough when I’m ready, and I may be able to convince him that I just don’t want to spread it. He must have a few girls on the go, so hopefully he’ll bore of me, and turn his attentions elsewhere… Not that I would wish him on anybody. I could say it might have been my evil prev ex, and say that I suspect he cheated on me, so that it is hard for him to get too angry about possibly giving it to him…? What do you think? I managed to get rid of my last ex by making him lose interest, so I should b able to do it again… Oh, btw, I’m 30… I have a psycho big bro, and I have v low contact with him, but that’s the only other one I have real experience of… I will Defo b cramming for my psycho exam!!! I’ll learn everything I can until he rears his ugly evil head again… I totally take on board all your comments and suggestions, and will make as much room as possible to heal… Thank you again…(((((((OxD,Skyl,kail)))))))
My battery will die soon, I don’t have a working charger, I’ll buy one tomorrow… So if I don’t reply anymore, that’s why… But pls if u do have anymore thoughts, and have time, pls do post them, I will get back online soonish.xxxx
I had a dire situation when I was out of my teens, almost raped. What saved me was telling him I had HIV (even when I didn’t) .. remember that, ladies. I came near again to rape, a second time, more than 30 years later. I went to the (moslem guy, from Egypt) person’s apartment, after I was a client of his for more than four months (I hired him to custom design a blouse for me, he was a tailor).. I was freshly divorced, so was lonely, for many months after that, when I hired him to do a job for me. On our 2nd date, after wine, we made out. Mid everything, I noticed what seemed to be a video machine in his bedroom. Don’t know if it was on or not, but I thought quickly, in response. Without letting him know I suspected it was an operating video machine, I said (even though this was false) “I have an active herpes breakout..sorry, but we cannot have sex” .. Because I’d seen the machine, I was naturally anxious..full of anxiety, so my anxiety protected me in that moment. He immediately got fidgety, quickly pulled his pants up again, into “adjustment” mode, reclothed himself, and his seduction of me ended. Ha ha. I was almost seduced, but when I discovered that machine in his BR, it freaked me out. He never caught me on film that night. A friend of mine also told me how she saved herself from rape one night, when she told her attacker that she had AIDS and epilepsy (even though she didn’t)..the guy was freaked out, and her statements saved her.
kailash – thank you for this info. about different modalities (btw, just as i was finding out that the spath i knew was a. not dead and b. not at all who he pretended to be, i got in to see a CBT for a couple of months. i freaking hated the CBT and the therapist. He said, ‘you’re doctor tells me you are very anxious’, and ‘i said, no, i am poor, sick and i have PTSD from a relationship with a spath.’ – ‘CULTURAL RELATIONAL THERAPY/THEORY’ def more useful!)
Dear Kailash,
I’m sorry for what you have gone through in your family of origin (FOO) but it is also possible that virgins do not bleed, and sex doesn’t always hurt the first time and unless you are sure that you were penetrated prior to having sex the first time, it is quite possible you were a lucky woman and didn’t have much of a hymen. I didn’t have much of one and I know I was not molested as a young child, I was just very fortunate that my first lover was very careful with me and took a long time over a period of weeks and I did not have a bad first experience or pain or bleeding.
Growing up “just” with abusive family members is bad enough though…not trying to invalidate your feelings at all. Thank you for posting here even under an avitar. ((((hugs))))))and God bless.
I assure you..in any of the two situations I’ve described above (potential rape)..they will be rendered LIMP, as they should be. Can you imagine the expression on that predator’s face, when I told him I had a VD? I’m sure he would not have wanted his expression on any video cam he had hidden/active. God bless our innocence.
Choked Growth,
I am also just recently (6 wks) out of a “relationship” with a spath who knew I was desperate to have a family. This is one of the ways he tried to get his “hooks” in me – by constantly talking about getting me pregnant, even mentioned adoption, and of course he had a young child he used to suit his purposes, telling me we were a “little family”, even though he really just used me as a baby sitter on his custody days.
Fortunately I did not get pregnant! It is not always easy to maintain NC – I was almost tempted to break NC last weekend. He actually did contact me this past week, sent a lengthy e-mail and mentioned his child 3 TIMES. Thanks to all I have learned here at LF I was able to see thru the LIES and not respond.
Stay strong, CG, and keep reading. You will find a lot of useful advice here.
Before my batt dies… Can I add that we were not seeing each other very long at all. This whole thing started in oct last year… The first honeymoon phase lasted only a few weeks, I dumped him, he ignored me for another two, then said he did not want to get back together even though I thought then I’d made a mistake… He has been subtly and covertly pursuing me since then… He hasnt put much effort in to be honest. Does this make my situation any less dire, or is it still the same?