I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
I also suspect that my ex (alleged SPATH), for the last several years, has been entering my e-mail addy into various marketing sites (which I consider to be HARASSMENT/STALKING!), to have 3rd parties send me SPAM (i.e., ads for penis enlargements, Viagra/Cialis, dating sites, etc.) I cannot prove it is him, but it continues, almost on a daily basis, and NO ONE in my social circles, for more than 10 years now, is as DEPRAVED as I think he is, to do these things. I did notify the FCC via e-mail about this, got a perfunctory e-mail reply, with either an attached form or link to a form I could fill out, but apparently, I was unable to forward to them several SPAM e-mails I got, to show them samples of what I had received. I have heard nothing back from the FCC, since. Anyone have any ideas about this..about what more I can do?
What I wonder about..and because many of you up here, besides me, seem to have met with similar fates of having been defrauded by a guy who “went both ways” .. I wonder why more women (and men!) aren’t pushing their congresspeople and senators to improve the fraud laws that would prosecute these frauds for sexual identity/orientation fraud. I wonder why orgs like Alliance for Justice or N.O.W. haven’t seemed to touch on this topic. Any thoughts?
zim,
because it’s not illegal to swing both ways. For all you know a spath could tell his partner, “woman, I’d like for you to make love to another woman while I watch” Well, if it was illegal, then the spath could sue his woman and lie about having requested it.
The only way to make sure you have a legal case is to write it in a pre-nup. “you shall not swing both ways or you will pay $xx.xx” Not very romantic.
Zim, it isn’t illegal to be just plain stooopid either….or to do dumb things. If it was, the prisons would be even more over crowded. Letting someone talk you into sticking your finger into a light socket doesn’t allow you to scream that they electrocuted you. We have to exercise some good sense on our own parts. Most of us are here because we didn’t necessarily exercise that good sense…but we are learning to. The University of Hard knocks is a tough school, she gives the TEST FIRST and then the LESSON.
Oxy,
I love that, “…she gives the test first and then the lesson.”
Ox, if it was illegal to be stupid, I would have gotten a life sentence!!! LOL!
No one was stupider than I was! (is stupider a word? or is it more stupid?) 🙂
In my case, I didn’t go to the university of hard knocks, instead I went straight to jail, I did not pass GO and didn’t collect $200. I was given a life sentence, but was PAROLED after 25 years, THAT’S when I took the test and got the lesson.
Everything is backwards in spath world.
Dear Sky,
I’m not sure where the “she gives the test first and then the lesson” quote came from. I found it in my husband’s handwriting after he was dead in some of his papers. I imagine he read it somewhere and wrote it down because he thought it was profound! It sort of was his kind of sense of humor/wisdom, but I don’t think it was original…yea, if it was illegal to be stoopid I would have been HUNG. The DARWIN awards are for people who are so stoopid they kill themselves with their stooopidity because they are stoopider (yea I think its a word! LOL) In fact, I knew a guy who killed himself by being stoopid…too long a story to tell here but no doubt he qualified for the Darwin awards. The old thing like here in the south, what does a redneck say right before he dies? —“Here, hold my beer and watch this….” LOL Yea, DUH!
I am having a great day! I made a big pot of brown beans, cooked all night in the slow cooker, no salt but a big onion chopped up in them, and then a big pan of corn bread (made with low sodium!!!) and I ate my FILL for the first time in months! And I may eat some more before I go to bed! YUM!!!!! Went over my calorie allotment but did stay well below my sodium allotment!
glad you’re having a great day, Oxy.
I have a miserable head cold – had it 3 days now. So I just sit here trying not to eat but still getting fat.
To Ox Drover,
Per your statement, “I imagine he read it somewhere and wrote it down because he thought it was profound! It sort of was his kind of sense of humor/wisdom, but I don’t think it was original”
Somewhere, in one of my ex’s spiral notebooks, in his handwriting, I found this “poem”:
“After a while you learn the difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul .. And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security .. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises .. and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the Grace of an adult and the grief of a child .. and you learn to build all your roads on today, since tomorrow’s ground is uncertain for plans .. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much .. so plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers .. and you learn that you really can endure”that you really are strong”and you really do have worth”
I thought he gleaned, from any convenient philosophy, whatever he needed to use, to prey on women, so he could continue to be a predator & commitment phobe. He probably quoted it from a woman. I looked it up on the Net, and it seemed the woman who used those words, forgot to give credit to the original author. I don’t know if he was trying to pass off that philosophy as his or not, but it wouldn’t surprise me .. any old philosophy to JUSTIFY his abuse/exploitation of females, when, really, I think he applied the AA philosophies in reverse [http://www.step12.com/12stepsreverse.html] even though he was a “reformed” alchie.
Per your, “I made a big pot of brown beans”
Love it! I made a HUGE batch of vichysoisse (sp?) last night. I revel in the feeling that my ex isn’t getting ONE SPOONFUL, but my S.O. will be sated. Cooking does wonders for the soul (at least it does for mine)
Actually, Zim, I should have qualified my quote about my husband, my husband was not my psychopath…I got involved with the P guy after my husband died in an accident, but I did find the above quote in his papers and he did like that kind of wisdom/philosophy.
I liked the prose/poem that you found in your X’s stuff though—it is profound in its simplicity and truth as well…but even my P-son has sent me some really good quotes–from the cell where he is confined in prison—he knows they “sound good” but he doesn’t really “get it” what they mean! LOL
lisaptrn –
“Willing to die for the spath, constant texting while driving the interstate for 2 hours nonstop. Like I really need this!
Wednesday, 23 February 2011 @....... 2:58pm”
Please elaborate? I notice nobody seemed to get back to you. Sometimes things on here move so fast that posts are overlooked. It is never intentional.