I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
ps..I’m having a horrible time with how he enjoyed alllllll the same things. Gardening, antique shopping. He has some feminine qualitites….very good at decorating houses. We talked about flipping homes together. (I guess I would FLIP the bill, huh?) His first ex said that one of his colleagues thought he was maybe gay or bi. Does this stuff fit a P?
Hi Dalrich,
I read your last two posts. I just want to paraphrase what I think you said. I read that this guy was in prison for swindling, cheats, begs for money, and doesn’t take care of his daughter or his responsibilities. And you are wondering if he’s a sociopath or not because he always tells you the truth (you think). So my question to you is does it matter what the label is? He sounds like a sleazebag, even if a “nice” and charming sleazebag. Some sleazebags are not sociopaths. They are just sleazebags. Is this really the type of person you want to be with? Just being an objective voice here. What could you ever have with this guy, seriously? Sometimes people are just bad for you. The label doesn’t matter. And BTW, my spath was the sweetest, kindest person in the world from start to discard. He was so nice and sweet about everything, I never knew what hit me. I don’t know you but I do know that you deserve so much better than this.
Stargazer, You are right. I don’t know why I’m so focused on the label instead of the truth. He is a good looking, smart, charismatic, sweet sleazebag. And I don’t want to be with a sleaze. For some strange reason (misery needs company) it’s helpful to know your spath was sweet and kind from hello to goodbye. I am sorry that you had to deal with a spath in any regard. How long were you with him? How are you doing now? I just want to get out and stay out of the hell I let myself get entangled with.
Dear Dahlrich,
Welcome back,. sweetie! Sorry you got sucked in again! But anyone who is DISHONEST—and you know he is THAT, doesn’t need to be in your life.
Doesn’t matter if he is a psychopath or not, he is DISHONEST. You need a dishonest person in you life, WHY? That’s what I thought.
I found that the FIRST RULE of dating—IS HE HONEST? Number 2 is IS HE KIND?
At the FIRST sign of either #1 or #2 not being a resounding YES, then RUN.
An ex convict AUTOMATICALLY puts him at a LEVEL 1 DISHONEST situation, as the AVERAGE ex convict will have a 22 on a Psychopath’s check list Revised (remember 30 is a full blown psychopath) and 25% of convicts score a 30 or above, so you do NOT want ANY ex convict close to you, they are BADDDDD NEWS.
So start with I DON’T NEED A PERSON WHO IS DISHONEST, UNKIND AND IRRESPONSIBLE IN MY LIFE. He qualifies on those alone, and that is enough to boot him out of your life.
Hang in there, sweetie! It will get better! (((hugs))))
‘
Dahlrich,
I am an anomaly on this site. I was only with my spath for less than 3 months. I didn’t know what a spath was at the time. When I figured out he was playing some sick, crazy games, I just got out. Right around that time I found LF and learned what he was. He was also tall, good looking, sexy, and an Iraqi vet (that part was real). He had this incredible sweetness and gentlemanliness about him that made me overlook certain details, like his cons and deceptions. He never got angry at me, even when I was angry. He seemed so honest and sincere. It wasn’t until after I went NC that I learned the magnitude of his lies. It took me a good year to get over him. Sex can be sooooo bonding, especially with a charming and magnetic person who promises to fulfill your fantasy. I remember I had a dream one night that I fell in love with some middle eastern guy somewhere in the middle east. After I fell in love with him, I found out he was a dictator and a mass murderer. And I still couldn’t leave him. (I sometimes wonder if my dreams are past lives…) Even though it was just a dream, the feelings seemed very real. I understand how deeply you can bond with someone, even if their character is very bad. I’ve fallen for some real pieces of work, and the fact that we had sex even once made me feel like there was some deep connection there. Never mind that the guy didn’t feel it.
Here is the truth. You ALWAYS get over them, and there is ALWAYS someone else out there for you. He is not THE ONE that is meant for you. He is certainly not the man of anyone’s dreams. He seems like the man of your worst nightmares! But you have to realize that you deserve better and then do the hard work of breaking the bond, going through the grief and the feeling that you can’t live without him. You CAN live without that mess, trust me on that!
Hi everyone. I have not been on here in months but I am back. If anyone remembers me I used to just log on as broken pieces. I was in a relationship with my spath for 3 years…I finally got to my breaking point and I moved out of the state. He waited awhile but then he tried to start contacting me again when he found out that I was gone. I ignored him for 2 good months. He sent such “heartfelt” apologies…said that he wanted to move to be with me in a year after he had enough time in at this job to transfer to move. I was it for him…the only one. the one he was going to marry. He wished on shooting stars for me to talk to him again..he asked god if I was ok and wondered where I was. I went to visit. I was there for about a week and a half. He told me that I would never have to worry again. I spent time with his family. He told them of his plans to move and marry me and have a child. He told me that he would not have contacted me if he was not serious and that if he would have wanted anyone else he would have just found someone there bc it would have been much more convenient than carrying on a long distance relationship with me but he said that no one can replace me and I am his stability and he was going to do whatever it took for him to get here to me. He said NOTHING would EVER break us up again. We had the most amazing week. The first night I saw him again he kissed me and said that he wished he could freeze that moment forever. He said the way he felt again the moment that he first saw me would get him through the year until we could be together again. We planned to visit twice a month or so…planned to meet halfway. He had just started a new job…so on this visit of course…I paid for everything..he said he felt bad about it but that he was going to start getting caught up on everything and that next time he would pay for everything. I saw little signs of the past…his phone was turned upside down..he said he was trying to break the habit of looking at it all the time. I saw a text come in from a girl telling him sweet dreams…he swore itwas just a friend from the gym and that they wanted nothing more than a friendship with one another and that she knew about me. I fell so hard for his game again that I believed him. I was getting ready to leave…we went to eat.. he hugged me in the parking lot and reassured me again that everything was going to work and that he would come to see me very soon. He even gave me clothes of his to bring home with me so I would have something of his to sleep in 🙁 He had told me that he had ordered me a gift from the jewelry counter and that I would have it by the time I left…he never gave me anything…just kept saying that he had forgotten to pick it up and that I would see soon enough what it was. I left and was so sad to leave him…cried halfway home. I wasn’t even home yet from our wonderful week…and he wouldn’t answer his phone. I got a call from a friend a few days later to tell me that she had seen him making out with another girl in a bar. He told me that he f’d up again and he didn’t know why he did it. It is like someone pushes a restart button in him and he just starts over and he doesn’t even think much about it when he is doing it. I didn’t answer my phone the other night when he text me…he grilled me left and right b/c he thought I was with somebody else. He had just cheated on me but was giving me a hard time b/c he thought I was with someone!!! I can’t get out of this. I try to tell him he needs help and that his behavior is not normal. Not to mention the fact that when I got home…I started itching. He gave me scabies. I had to go to the dr. to get a cream to get rid of it. He had tried to tell me that he had eczema and that is why he was itching…I don’t believe that he knew it was scabies but..even after I tell him..he does not go to the dr to get medicine!!! Says he does not have money for that now. I told him that I was the only one who stuck through everything with him…and that every time he throws me in the trash. He started texting me again last night accusing me again of being with somebody else..said he understands that he cheated and that maybe he is a hypocrite but that he could never forgive me if I did. He kept accusing me and told me to go ahead and just continue what I had started with whoever else and that he would do his own thing. I ended up on the phone with him last night for 3 hours in the middle of the night. He changed his tune again and acted like he was very concerned for me and wanted to make it better..He said he will talk to someone to try to get help for his problems bc he is aware it is not normal and he agrees with me. He is living with his parents right now and said that he thinks that is a big part of his problem. He said he is going to get a place soon and he wants me to move there to the very place I moved away from in the first place to get away from him! He said we just must be meant to be and it must be fate and that he just thinks we will end up together. I told him that he has been using the same excuses for his behavior for 3 years and that he needs to seek help. He promises that he is going to go talk to someone as soon as his health insurance kicks in. His issues are that his mother has never accepted him and that she has screamed at him his entire life for everything, has never accepted him. His marriage failed. He never feels satisfied. blah blah blah. Same stuff I have heard from him for years. I AM SO STUPID. I FALL FOR IT OVER AND OVER!!!!!!!!!! After the 3 hours on the phone last night and talking again on the phone this morning…he was supposed to call me back. Guess what? HIS PHONE IS OFF and it goes straight to voicemail. haha…I knew it was going to happen. What is WRONG with ME that I cannot stop letting him manipulate me??? What if he does go get help and they can medicate him? Apparently his parents are trying to go get him to talk to someone as well. Can he get better and even if he did WHY do I want to be with him after all he has done??? The man that I was with when I went to visit disappeared as soon as I left to come home…it was like it was all a dream and that man never existed…but he did. I am sorry this is so long…but I had to get it out. He is absolutely ruining my life and I am letting him. I am like a zombie and I still have hope that he can be fixed if he would go to a psychiatrist and get some sort of medication. 🙁 I can’t deal with this. Seriously. I am nuts now because of him…not to mention itching from the bugs he gave me. 🙁 Why can’t he just STOP!!!! He did it again tonight!!! over and over and over and over and everytime I FALL FOR IT! I am going to a new couselor this week because I admit…I have so many issues now from his issues and I do not know what to do. I have no confindence and I am 100% depressed. A guy actually told me the other day that I am beautiful but that it is very apparent that I have no self esteem. It must be that apparent that a person I barely know would say that! He has wrecked my life..going on 4 years now. A friend of mine always says..when you lay with dogs you get fleas. No kidding…I literally freaking have bugs and I am a very clean person so I am absolutely DISGUSTED. They are dead from the treatment but I am still supposed to itch for a few weeks. He tries to say he must have picked it up from the gym. All this…and I know I will talk to him again and listen to his lies. I can’t stop. Somebody please help me. 🙁
dalrich, I know it’s tough to do, but stay in the NC zone.
For a while… all you will do is think about him,
in time, you will begin to think about yourself ~~
and that’s when the real healing begins.
That’s the beauty of NC…
you might be no contact with him…
but that’s when you really begin contact with your SELF.
xoxoxo
mendingthebrokenpieces…
” He is absolutely ruining my life and I am letting him.”
STOP LETTING HIM DO THIS!!
This is like an addiction for you,
but you are not going to get your “fix” anymore because
you know he is a lie. He just likes to play games.
What makes you think he will go to the doctor for his emotional problems when
he won’t even go to the doctor to get rid of the scabies?
Please, look in the mirror and love yourself.
You have the power to walk away and never look back.
Nobody is going to medicate him and make him all better.
Please read what I just wrote above to dalrich
and what Oxy and Stargazer wrote!!!
Shabby,
I know that you are right…it is an addiction to me and I don’t understand why. I want to stop but it seems like I just can’t. I did so good after I moved…but then I caved in and he got me again! It is not fun…I like cigarettes and it is an addiction for me..I have tried to quit and it is extremely hard bc I enjoy it. This mess with him…is not enjoyable 99% of the time but I cannot stop bc of 1% of amazing. Who does that?!?! Who would put up with 99 bad days for just 1 amazing one?!?! ME apparently. I really feel that he has made me mentally ill now from what he has put me through. That really makes sense what you said about the doctor. That is a great point bc this itching is terrible. My entire body. If he won’t go to the dr. for that…why would he go for anything else. 🙁 You know the song…Bobby Mcgee…where it says…but I’d trade all of my tomorrows for one single yesterday? I still feel like that…I want him back but yet I wish I never would have met him. He has seriously made me sick in the head. I know what I need to do…but you know how people say that they quit smoking and then 2 days later they are smoking again b/c it is an addiction? He is my addiction..wanting to figure out what is wrong with him and fixing him is my addiction. I pray that I can get better from this..I want my life back and I fear that nobody can help me. I wish there was a rehab center to go to for something like this. There should be.. Like check in for a few weeks and have someone shake me and just make me stop putting myself through this. He has actually managed to control and manipulate me from another state.
And even when I have NC after I left…I guess I still sort of did in a way…he was not my friend on fb…but I was putting up all kinds of fun pics for my default pic that i knew would trigger him. I wanted him to miss me and realize that he would have been doing those fun things with me too if he wouldn’t have treated me like so terribly. I also wanted to make sure that he did not think I was sitting around dying inside…even though I felt like I was…I wanted him to think I was just fine. I wanted him to feel guilt and remorse for what he had done to me even though I have been told a million times over that they cannot feel those things. I would actually do things that I did not even feel like doing just to get a cool picture to put up. I never did this before with anyone else…he is the only person who has EVER affected me this way.