I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
mending, right now it sounds like he’s just feeding his ego to see if he can get you back,
even if it’s just for that week, he feels in control now.
Now you are waiting for his calls, letting him steer the relationshit
in whatever direction he wants. So he turns his phone off and you panic.
Like I said, you won’t get you’re “fix” from him anymore because
you know everything he says and does is a lie,
the “fix” is you feeling good about yourself.
You have to find a way to do that for YOU, nobody else can do that for you.
You are looking for your self worth in someone else’s eyes, I know… because I used to do that.
Shake yourself up! Stop hurting yourself!
People who REALLY want to quit smoking… quit smoking.
Nobody is saying it’s easy, but you have to want to change,
this isn’t about him, it’s about you.
“He has wrecked my life..going on 4 years now.”
How much longer do you want to do this?
Another 4 years? It’s time to stop. You deserve a good man.
mendingthebrokenpieces – Ok so it all went pear shaped, (again) but don’t give up trying to give him up. Eventually you will be FREE.
I just read about the Stockholm Syndrome – it makes so much sense. Maybe you could check it out. It describes the bonding we feel towards these very bad people. NC is a must (not easy we know)
LF is here for you when you feel the need but like a baby taking it’s first steps you have to let go and trust yourself. Yes, you will stumble and fall but pick yourself up and face the world again. Good luck
Yes, mending, he IS the first person to affect you like this. Because hopefully, you have not encountered a psychopath before in your lifetime.
It is a very unique and intoxicating experience.
It is also disastrous. To you.
I have considered each of the things you are doing…little fishing lines thrown out in desperate efforts to get a bite.
That is what you want…some reaction from him that you meant something, that what you had or thought you had was real and meaningful.
But you are fishing in an empty pond. If he responds to you at all, it will be on his terms and for his purposes. You will be all aglow believing that he has finally come back. And he will be calculating how to use your attention to demean you.
You will believe the timing of his response to be an indicator of his continuing commitment to the relationship. You put out feelers, and he responded. Don’t be fooled! It is just a reflection of convenience. Nothing more.
It hurts to hear this stuff, I know. We want to believe that we meant something to someone we invested our heart and soul in. But it was as if we poured fresh clean water into a colander…there was nothing there to hold and to appreciate our gifts.
That is not to say that your investment was for nothing. You showed an ability to love and care for another human being that reinforces you. Those efforts only enhance the giver.
It’s just that he could not value what you gave. He is not capable of that. He is broken and sees your kindness for weakness.
Those little feelers you put out only serve to keep your hope alive, in something that is hopeless. They keep your spirit connected and that does not help you. Any connection to these kinds of people whether it be by phone or Facebook or just hope only brings you down. It drains you.
But you have to be ready to let that go. Reading some materials on detachment helps. Much really helpful material can be found in the substance abuse literature, because detaching from these people is very much like de toxing from a drug of abuse. The concepts and the techniques are very appropriate, and tremendously helpful.
Even reviewing the Twelve Step literature is informative. For example, the First Step in AA or NA has someone admit that they are powerless over the situation and that it has become unmanageable.
And so on.
Melodie Beattie is an author who writes about co-dependence and the language of letting go. Karen Casey is another insightful author. The Hazelden Foundation is a great resource for reading materials, and support.
However you choose to heal yourself, there are many resources available to you, with the most powerful ones being right here. These people are wise and caring. Listen and heed, especially when you feel you cannot make good decisions for yourself regarding your situation. Like when you heart says, “But I miss HIM!”, and you head tells you, “NO, NO, NO!”.
For me, I recite what Ox and others have told me, “NO CONTACT” when my former love calls or texts or puts out other fishing lines to lure me back in. I see that I am not always strong enough to recognize what he is doing for what it is because I want to believe our four years together meant something.
It did….to me, and me, alone.
So taking the words I have learned here keeps me grounded, and safe.
I wish you well, mending. You will be okay.
Dear mending,
Have you had enough yet? When you decide to choose LIFE and not a slow toxic death, you will leave. No one can make you do this. You have to love yourself enough, chica.
I’m really glad you posted, though. Your post is a replica of so many. Many people here could have finished your post for you after you said, “I went back to stay with him for a week.” We ALL know how it’s gonna end. I’m sure you have helped other people here to see what happens if they break NC. You need to know you are playing a very dangerous game that could possibly end in your mental illness, physical illness, or even death.
I hope you can see at least in your mind that he is selling you a fantasy, and you are hanging onto that fantasy. It is not real. Spaths talk a good game. Mine wanted to move to my town and marry me. He told me this one romantic evening. The next day he discarded me. Shortly afterward, I found out he was still married! He kept apologizing and telling me he wasn’t good enough for me. But STILL wanted to see me. I WAS THE ONE WHO SAID NO. Just like YOU have to be the one to end it, for your own sanity. He likes to control you and play with your feelings. He doesn’t care if he hurts you! Only if he doesn’t own you any more. That is his biggest fear. The dude gave you SCABIES! Personally, that would be enough for me never to speak with him again. We have another member here whose spath gave him scabies. (I wonder if all the spaths are sleeping with each other).
This guy is a creep, a scum, and is lower than the slime in the bottom of a toilet that has never been cleaned. I see it. All the people here can see it. But YOU have to see it.
And yes, it feels like a lose-lose right now. If you go back to him, you lose. If you leave him, you will feel like you are going to die without him. I PROMISE you, you WILL get past that feeling if you make the break. It DOES get better. Ask EVERYONE here who’s gone through it. Ask them if they regret it. We all saved our own lives by leaving the spaths. You can do it, to! But you have to choose! It takes a great act of will, but you can be in charge of the show, not him. Take charge of your life. Have a talk with the grieving, longing part of yourself and tell that part it needs to get with the program, and everything will be okay. You can choose to do anything you want just because you decided. Your feelings don’t have to control you, just like the spath doesn’t have to control you. Feelings are temporary, even if they don’t seem that way. But the choices you make now will have permanent repercussions for the rest of your life. Choose life, chica!!!
Hugs,
Star
Trimama,
I’m so glad you read mending’s post. Watch and learn, chica. I thank my lucky stars that I walked away from my spath after only 3 months. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
To the beautiful women (and men) here at LF: PLEASE CHOOSE LIFE. Life is too beautiful and fleeting to waste.
Hugs,
Star
mendingthebrokenpieces,
All of the posters who have responded to your post have excellent advice. There is NO FUTURE with a sociopath. This guy has nothing to offer you – he isn’t someone who blesses you with GOOD things. He has shown you his true colors, being a person who you could never build a life with. He’s incapable of building anything worthwhile, let alone a marriage, a family. Put him to the curb and get on with your precious life. You’ll get where you want to be over time. Peace.
Stargazer,
What you say rings so true – we should be in the habit of choosing life for ourselves, not wasting our precious time on things that don’t add to our existence (eg. relationships, work, etc.). Good point.
Shabby, You are definitely right…He has made me feel worthless and the only time I feel like I am anything good is when he decides to “love” me…I am looking for my self worth in his eyes only and I guess I will just be looking there forever but never find it if I keep this up.
Candy, I am going to read a little bit about Stockholm Syndrome…I want to know how people manage to go from being normal to brainwashed…I wonder if the people with that know that they do but just can’t stop like me…or if they are just completely oblivious.
Trimama, It is EXACTLY like fishing in an empty pond…or maybe like a pond that is full of fish that keep biting…but never let you reel them in…but you just keep standing there bc one of these days..just one of these days one will let you reel it in….but in your heart you know that you will never catch that fish. 🙁 I saw that Stargazer was glad that you read my post…I do hope that it helped you and others to see when happens when NC is broken. Look at all the loving, romantic things he told me…then he used me for sex, gave me scabies, let me pay for everything b/c he promised he would the next time, etc. and he was probably laughing inside the entire time about what a fool I am. He claims that he cares and has feelings and that what he does to me is not his intention…Everytime I hear that from him…”this was not my intention.” Now i think…OBVIOUSLY IT WAS YOUR F”ING INTENTION BC YOU HAVE DONE IT OVER AND OVER FOR YEARS. If it was not your intention it would not have happened!!! Please try your best to stay NC bc everytime you give in…the crash at the end gets a little worse. Every time…I would say..he can’t really be this crazy to do this again…he has really changed..I have to give him this one last try bc what is one more try going to hurt…What if I don’t give him this very last try and this is the time that he really was going to stay faithful. What if I don’t give him this last try and he finds someone else and has actually changed and gives them the life he promised me.. He realizes that he loves me and can’t be without me. His family even tells me he has changed. I have already invested all of this time…what is a little more time going to hurt for me to see…. Those are all the things that would go through my head when giving him another chance…that is how I justified it to myself….don’t do it…One more time hurts a lot when you realize that he has done it again. Each time seems a little different..like..oh..well he is answering the phone every time I pick up now..he never did that before..he must be different. Each time I take him back he adds something that he never did before to really make me believe and he will say…”see…I am answering everytime you call and I am showing up on time…you have nothing to worry about…I don’t want anyone else” He could show up here with an engagement ring and the next day be with someone else. that is probably what will happen if I attempt no contact again. He told me that I am the only person that he has felt the need to have in his life at all times one way or another…so I am his “main player” I guess..the one he always wants in the game. Lucky me. He is obsessed with me just like I obsess over all of this 🙁 You said that it is almost like detox..trying to detach from these people. That is so right and I mean that literally…Today…It is almost like I have a really bad hangover b/c I am so mentally drained. I feel like a zombie. It makes my stomach upset..all I want to do is sleep..but meanwhile…I have to try to put on a happy face so the people around me don’t think that I am crazy. I have to do something with the family in a bit…the old me..before the spath would think this is fun…to me it now seems like a chore and I will have to really try hard to really have a real, genuine good time. I almost feel like nothing else in my life matters now because he and I are not together and I need to figure out how to get over that. Please stay NC..you don’t want to end up like this.
Stargazer,
Thank you…I def feel like it is a lose lose right now. You are right…he is causing me a slow toxic death. I just need to pull myself out of this and try to get better. I even know it myself…look at what I just wrote to trimama! I know that this is what happens every time…I just don’t know why I can’t take my own advice! Even with me knowing I still let him suck me back in. I have to stop. I want my life back 🙁 If I ignore him…he will show up here eventually…and I still travel for work..he is going to know when I am going to be around where he is. Even if I cut him out I fear I am going to spend the rest of my life wondered when and where he is going to pop up again and if I will be strong enough to resist him. Every time…I say..I am stronger now…he can’t hurt me like he did before…if it happens again I will be just fine. I sure do mind f$@.......# myself. I do it to myself now just as much as he does. ugh.
And Bluejay…you are so right…there is NO FUTURE with a sociopath…I can hang up the phone with him and maybe 5 mins later he won’t answer. So no future…he can’t even make it 5 mins sometimes. 🙁
Thanks to you guys for “talking me off the ledge”. I am going to go get ready to do the family thing…I will wear long pants and long sleeves so I take no chance of passing them my “bugs” even though I am pretty sure the cream killed them. How disgusting. I know that this isn’t my fault but in a way I feel like it is all my fault that this happened because I must have been very weak in the beginning…I thought I was stronger. Gonna have to work on all of this. I really wish I could genuinely have fun with my family today like a normal person without all of the craziness on my mind…I will try. Maybe I will. xoxo
mendingthebrokenpieces,
I appreciate your posts – how open and honest you are, telling it like it really is. What you have been through is emotionally draining. Take baby steps – do what you can today, spending time with your family, but being gentle with yourself. It will take a while to get over the spath. Try and be faithful to staying No Contact. What I have learned firsthand is that with a spath, there is always unwanted drama and chaos (emotional upheaval). Looking back, I wish that I had been warned about the man I ended up marrying – I would not have married him. No one can fix what’s already broken, the spath’s personality being defective.
Dear Mending,
We can hold your hand and give you advice, but ONLY YOU CAN HEAL AND PROTECT YOURSELF.
It is sort of like child birth—we can be here for you and coach you like “breathe, breathe, breathe…push!” but YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MUST BREATHE AND PUSH—push THROUGH the pain when it hurts the worst! But if you do not do so, the PAIN WILL ONLY GET WORSE NOT BETTER. The only way to END THE PAIN is to work through it, to push the hardest when it hurts the most!
No one else can endure it for you. ENDING this relation-sHiT is the only way that you can heal, that the pain can stop, and the “labor” that you must go through to expel this “child of satan” this “Rosemary’s baby” out of your life is to DO IT! Getting rid of it you will hurt but you will not die, if you don’t get rid of it, you will die—and die in increasing pain and hurt and misery. Emotionally suffering like a prisoner of war who is too beaten down to even try to escape.
It is your choice, like the posters above said “choose life” or choose this misery, but those are the only choices you have. (((hugs)))) and God bless.