I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Dear Star,
I did that with cigarettes, all of the other times I “tried” to quit, I KNEW I WOULD FAIL AND I DID FAIL, but not this time, I decided to QUIT, not “try to quit.”
I had to give up my high sodium diet and lose weight as well, and I made up my mind to DO IT and I am 33 pounds down now from when I started….not a fast weight loss, I’ve been working at it since October last year, but SLOW AND STEADY and I’m getting there.
It is a CHOICE…I can keep on doing things that are bad for me, that hurt my health, that hurt me, or I can DO WHAT I KNOW IS HEALTHY and that is what I am doing. Not just “trying”—nothing is accomplished by “trying” but by DOING and so that is what I intend to DO.
I’m glad that you are succeeding in your life changes….think of it as a LIFE CHANGE, not a “diet”—diet is a 4-letter word! (((hugs))) and Congratulations!
Mending,
Everyone has their breaking point when they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are beating their heads against a wall. Sometimes you have to go back that one last time and maybe you have to do this several times before the truth hits you in the head. You may not be at that point. I knew what it took for me (much less than what you are tolerating). But when I knew, I knew. It took a long time for my feelings to catch up with that decision. It won’t help you if you go NC because people are telling you to. You have to come to this decison by yourself. When you know it’s the right thing, you will just know. And then there won’t be any ambiguity. You will just cut him out with no means of contacting you. When I cut mine out, I turned him into the army for fraud and adultery. The army put a no-contact order on him, so he was forbidden from contacting me. This made it very final for me – there was no way we would ever get together again after that. And yes, for many many months I wished in the back of my mind he would break the no-contact order and call me and tell me how much he missed me. I’m SO glad that never happened. Eventually the addiction broke and I was free. My subsequent dalliances with men in the aftermath of the sociopath could be the topic of a novel! lol But I no longer have any attachments to the sociopath.
Oxy, you are my hero!
(((((((((((((( Star! ))))))))))))))))
Your growth and newfound positive energy is amazing! I’m so happy to call you friend! You inspire me SO MUCH! I love hearing about your travels through life. Both on and off blog. You’re an amazing woman, capable of so much indepth growth and change, and I learn so much from you! I can’t WAIT to hear about your CR trip when you get back. You speak from a level of wisdom with everything you’ve shared. It is so helpful to so MANY! **HUGS**
(((((((((((((( Mending ))))))))))))), sweetheart, I UNDERSTAND how painful it is! I UNDERSTAND why you’re doing what you’re doing, being back and forth…feeling as if you’re powerless over something that is perceived to be SO powerful! But it’s only as powerful as you ALLOW it to be! I HEAR YOU loud and clear with your struggle here. It’s getting better for me, but when I came here, I felt VERY MUCH like you did! I’ve learned from that experience, because my ruminating and DENIAL/BARGAINING, about drove some people here NUTS! I want to change that part of myself with regards to compassion for others. YOU remind me that I need to remain HUMBLE to where I was when I stumbled through this internet door, gasping for air. Literally. I think the frustration I feel when I read your post, has little to do with actual frustration, but more that part of me that feels so much compassion for you,I want to implement a rescue. I can’t do that though, Mending. You have to do it for yourself first. So I have to have a level of emotional detachment, yet remain supportive of what it takes for you to walk this path with as much pain as you are in. If you need to go back, you will. There was another poster here whom I thought (still do) think the world of. But she went back to her spath. I was so triggered by the level of denial she had. But I still care for her. She can’t have contact with me right now, nor on this board…I think she knows….it’s just one of those things where when a person feels compelled to return to the spath, when it’s so overwhelming a lesson has yet to be learned. While I agree with what Star said, I didn’t experience the absolute resolution she did when she gave up her spath. I went kicking and screaming out of the relationshit, even while I knew it was TOXIC and LETHAL to me! I spent an entire YEAR trying to extricate…but what it really came down too, was that I had to be more important than he was….to me. To those around me who were being wounded by his presence, games and bullshit heaping. Mending, what he was to me, was an echo of my past and that voice was louder than the one within that said “hey chica, this isn’t GOOD FOR YOU!”…
Having said that, it leads me into territory 2, that I’d really like for you to give some thought too: With all you’ve shared about past relationshits, the behaviors of those men were obvious. It is my sincere belief, also having been married to a violent, verbally aggressive P for 20 years, that ex spath looked heaven sent and was far more LETHAL for the reasons that you share about yours. He was CALM COOL AND COLLECTED….IE: Sneaky, stealth and EXTREMELY MANIPULATIVE….I was vulnerable coming out of my marriage to exP….ex Spath was like a knight in shining armor and he USED his manipulations (Not REAL affection, amazing anything!) to lure me back in. It worked every stinking time…until the end, when I saw him for what he was and it couldn’t be denied. I think the spaths that are STEALTHY and SNEAKY and MANIPULATIVE, and CALM COOL AND COLLECTED are THE MOST DANGEROUS!
This is what yours is/has been doing to you. This is where you must find a way to understand that the glue he used to keep you sucked in was a LIE and he used it through MANIPULATION…the sweet nice guy who could provide amazing moments to keep you plugged in. It is THOSE moments that we remember most, not the bad shit. It’s BRAINWASHING at it’s best, or worse if you will…..it didn’t mean ANYTHING to them. This is where the work comes in for you. You MUST implement into your brain the rotten, nasty, stinky piece of SHIT he really is. I mean think about it…a man who would give you a few good moments to wipe out his nasty, stinky on the side ruthless behavior is WORSE than one who can’t control himself!! THINK about the red flags you MISSED. Write it DOWN. Just because you had some “good” moments out of him, doesn’t mean it was real at all…it was all BULLSHIT, Mending. And he KNEW that! He knew what would work with you!
I believe you can do this. What happened in my situation was that as time went on, he couldn’t even do “nice” anymore and fake it. The ugliness, if you’re willing to see it, is as awful, evil, and sadistic as it REALLY is. Take everything he does and says and FLIP IT! You’ll start seeing the truth. The more you give into his protestations and machinations, the LESS likely you will be to have ANY nice moments out of him. The more you disrespect yourself by allowing him to manipulate you, the WORSE your treatment by him will be. Pretty soon, he won’t have to be NICE at all to get you to put up with his shit! Mine didn’t. It was at that point, that I was able to “wake up” and see him for the slimy, sneaky bastard he really was, and ALL the red flags that were BLOWING as if a hurricane in the wind that I missed all along.
It’s the siren song. He can play it so well, eh? But that siren song is actually coming from a deeper, more painful place. That you can address later….if you can find some way to understand that he’s using against you, the very things you hold dear about yourself and relationships, you will better be able to see his behaviors for what they are.
HANG ON, Mending.!!!
Fooled,, despite some sort of idea that these men are truly stupid, some of them are not. You just learned something really valuable in that he loves a challenge, intellectually. My exP scored at genius level. I wouldn’t be surprised if exspath scored higher than that.
Amazing shit, isn’t it? NC fooled.
Again, hang in there ladies and keep posting!
LL
LL,
Thanks for your moral support, chica. It means more than you can imagine! You are doing so well, too. It’s really astounding.
There was a poster here a few years ago who was in such deep denial and could not stop obsessing. She wanted to call him one last time, write him one last time. After we all preached no contact to her for weeks and weeks, she and I became friends off the blog. After hearing her desperation on the phone, I told her something I have never told anyone here. I told her she should write him the letter and get it over with. She did. He responded. And they had a phone conversation where his “other” girlfriend was 3-wayed in. To make a long story short, she heard him lie on the phone and came out of denial instantly during that phone conversation. Once that happened, she moved on very quickly. I kept in touch with her for several months, and heard about her dates with other men and the normalcy of her life. She eventually left here and was doing very well the last time we spoke. She was one who needed to know she had the CHOICE to contact him. She made her choice and got her answers. It’s not the NC that’s empowering. It’s the CHOICE. You get to CHOOSE what you want to have (and not to have) in your life.
When I walked away from my ex, I was still partly in denial. I had a girlfriend contact him a few times (once she 3-wayed me in) so I could hear how he responded to her. I heard him lie to her 3 times. That really clinched it for me. I actually lost a friend over this because she kept telling me it was wrong for me to contact him. She couldn’t be my friend as long as I was in contact with him. But I had to do what I had to do to be satisfied of what he was. I am a doubting Thomas who had to put their finger in the hole.
Every once in a while I hop on here to see how everyone is doing. I’m constantly reminded how fortunate I was to discover the deep deception and lies. The article above describes my ex re: the absolute love and adoration (all fake in retrospect) – of this loving man who constantly sent emails, texts, calls when he wasn’t home living w/ me and one who told me great tales of his love for me.
However, literally everything he told was a lie. Lies for no reason. He said he was Brazilian and a young student prodigy who came to the States on his own at the age of 13 to attend college, where his mother and father both still living in Brazil. The truth is that he was born in Oakland CA and both parents are still in CA. He pretended he was never married and didn’t have children; in reality, he’s divorced, had a long term GF while we were together and has 2 children (including an autistic kid) whom he said were his niece/nephew of a (fake) dead brother. He stated that he lived in England for 15 yrs, fakes a british accent, and writes with British spelling. He’s never actually ever lived there so no reason to be so obsessed with England. He faked business trips and sent other people’s photos to show where he was away on business. He pretended to own property and cars in various countries – and would skype and show the locations – but they were only rented. I could go on and on… but in the end, it’s just all a sad, pathetic person that hates himself so much that he pretends to be someone he’s not. And I was so incredibly lucky to stumble upon some info that indicated he had children and rented the cars/property.
I discovered it while we were overseas visiting our wedding venue for the 3rd time – visiting a wedding fair. I left him immediately. After I left him, he changed his name. His real name is Charlton – yes like a Charlatan – but he’s now calling himself Alex. I suppose it’s not as easy to Google info on an Alex as it would be a Charlton.
From what I can tell based upon other experiences, it was only a matter of time before darker behaviors (if deception isn’t enough) were to come out. I am constantly reminded to be grateful that I didn’t ruin my life by staying with this guy, marrying him and having children with him. Look how he treats his own children – pretends they don’t exist to the woman he’s going to marry. And it was him pursuing the marriage/quick timeline. The one good thing I learned out of all of this – that sociopaths do exist.
I’m one lucky girl to get out unscathed. I’m sorry to see how many others have had worse experiences (being lied to was horrible enough) and how some struggle thinking about these horrible sociopaths. If I can offer any consolation, the people they presented themselves to be didn’t exist. They simply mirror us and pretend to be what we want. It’s easier to get over someone who never existed. At least it was for me. I wish you all the strength to be free. The experience of being with someone like that is horrible, but it can teach appreciation and the value of real, genuine love.
Star,
I love ya chica!
I hear ya! It IS a choice! I can’t assume to know what others experiences are or will be, what it will take for them to come out of denial and what won’t…it’s different for everyone. I’m not so sure that “ultimately healthy” is a goal that is reached….not until death anyway and even then, we’re still learning!
When spath tried contact a few weeks back, I KNEW why he was doing it!!! And I was so proud of myself for telling him to fuck off and not contact me AGAIN, whether overt or covert!!! THAT felt great!! (Have not heard from him since and I HOPE I NEVER DO),
Okay, Star, so the REASONS he was doing, was much like what your friend experienced! It is ONE single, IDENTIFYING moment where you go……..”Um, bastard, this is NOT for me”…and that is to recognize the MOTIVE for the contact (pay attention here mending!)
The reason that ex spath was contacting was because HE GOT OFF ON MY REACTIONS! I KNEW he had a new GF. What would “seal the deal” in his mind WITH HER? MY REACTIONS! (pay attention, mending!). He would LOVE for me to react…then he could show new gf, see what an insane bitch she is? (Of course he would NEVER tell her that I was his mistress for TEN Years, what I could see him doing is saying, “see I met this bitch off my dating site and she wanted me so bad, she wouldn’t leave me alone..). He made up SO MANY stories to me…
Mending, one of the tip offs was his “pocket calling”. YOU NEED to understand the MOTIVE of his contact…
Ya know what my ex did? He called me, and left a voicemail…it wasn’t voices, he was in the middle of having sex with new gf. Sick, isn’t it? OMG! It hurt…but I can tell you that their motives are NOT because they miss us or want us back…you have to kinda TRY to think like a spath….what would the benefit be of his contacting you, baiting you with his talking to another woman he was trying to “LURE” into his deceitful, nasty little life?
You reacted. DON”T for a second think that he’s not provoking you on purpose to USE IT to benefit his new “relationshit”
Bastard!! This is the stuff you need to “get” about them. Let the fantasy go. ASSUME that what he’s doing is to suck you back in…not because he wants a relationshit with you at all, but simply for the motive of triangulating you and your reactions with whomever else he wants to suck into his world. This is a fun game for them! They LOVE it.
It’s up to you, Chica. You’ll do it when you see, PLAINLY what he is.
Star? Let’s chat by phone sometime before you leave for CR! I got your number, but haven’t put it into my phone yet. Did you get mine okay?
LL
LL, I’ve blocked all his numbers from being able to reach me and have also filtered out any email to go directly to trash. Maybe that’s an option to consider. I never want to hear from that pathetic, sad, boring loser again. And I took control so I wouldn’t have to do so.
Educated professional, I loved your post! And it is so timely for all the newcomers to see that there is life after a spath!
LL, pardon my language, but what a sick fuck your spath is! OMG. That is so disgusting what he did, I don’t even know what to say! Glad you’re out. Yes, chica, I’m definitely up for a phone call. The best times for me are 9-10 pm on most nights.
((((((((((((( mending )))))))))))))))
Your post has really helped me too. 🙂
If nothing more than my resolve to avoid spath at any cost. For the very reasons that Star outlined. I think it’s very critical to your healing to understand completely what you’re dealing with. For me, it has come very slowly. Having come from a very abusive background, I had a malignant optimism with men, particularly with my last ex. Mending, I didn’t even LIKE him and I lost a lot because of him. What makes me MOST angry right now, is the time I gave to the relationshit and MY fantasy of what I thought he was when he was not…and profound sadness that others will be duped. I feel a great sense of loss,of shame (I hurt A LOT of people throughout this relationshit), and trying to come to terms with spathology. It sucks.
The good times? Well……….I FELT them. He didn’t share it, his reasons were to triangulate to make someone ELSE (his wife) hurt and angry, as well as me. It elevated his non existent self esteem….
I realized I don’t need a man to “complete” me. All I need is me. And that is almost a comforting, yet painful reality…all at the same time………I’m mourning, now, the time lost, the relationships in my life that were truly important, sacrificed to this man,…………yet I have so many loving, good friends! Yes, even MEN friends (most of whom are gay, lol, but I love them SO MUCH and they don’t want to destroy me!), and my beautiful, adorable grandchildren and children….my wiener dog….
I have so much to make up for! For them, and for me….
YOU can do this! And when you can FULLY comprehend who he is…when you can separate your fantasy from reality (he’s a douche bag), you’ll begin to heal. Your ex will do this with EVERY single human being in his life………
Triangulation is a favorite game of theirs.
Ya know what pisses off my ex? NC. Oh no, he doesn’t call, email or anything else (I changed all of that when I recognized his MOTIVES), but I KNOW, that if he could try to get into contact with me again (which is why I believe you to be BLESSED that you were able to get out of his radar by moving), he would do it. But not because he loves me or that he felt we shared anything special or that he misses me…but because he could use MY TRIGGERS TO HIM AND REACTIONS to show his new gf that all these women want him and that HE rejected them!
OMG!! I hope I don’t run into him!
Hang ON Mending!! White knuckle!!
Believe me,when you read and read and read here, you’ll get it. Read Steve Beckers articles, over and over…well, heck, read ANY of them that resonate with you, over and over…print them out and put them on your bathroom mirror, fridge…recite them as a mantra to yourself….because early on in the healing process is the ability to integrate what they are and the motives…
YOU can do this.
LL