I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
EP!!
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And THAT is the key!! I agree with star, how timely your post is!!
YOU are RIGHT! You took back your POWER by doing ALL of that!
Me too!
And they hate it, because not only can they no longer use you for the “good” but they can’t use you for the “bad” either!!!
Good JOB EP!
Star? Yea, a sick fuck is right! And that’s just what he did. He sooooo loved a good triangulation! But this gurrrrrrrrrrrrl won’t play!
Mending. You can DO this!
Star, my son has my phone. Gotta look up your email again and plug in!
I’ll give you a call tomorrow evening! Can’t WAIT!
LL
Seems many of us have broken our spath addictions. Now if only we could break our internet addiction…..LOL!
Star,
LOL…or our love fraud addiction.
I saw mending and fooled’s post. Oh my HEART!
If I”m really going to NC here, I have to NOT read the posts lol!
Not sure I can do that. I feel so much for those here!
Nite Star!
LL
Fortunately, I chose not to think about him for long. As soon as I discovered his lies, I was out. No need to think about him again, as he didn’t ever really exist. Yes, it was a very painful process to realize someone could lie about the very core of their existence all while breathing words of adoration and love. Sure, the person he pretended to be was amazing – but it wasn’t him.
It takes a very twisted individual to be like this. It’s their problem – not yours. Imagine: being so pathetic to pretend to be from other countries, and to hold all these educational attainments that are not true, and to claim all sorts of possessions you would never truly have because of the debt you accumulated while pretending, and to deny the fabrics of personal history…
And he was too embarrassed after I figured everything out – he went away without bothering me. This is a sad sign for him, he completely compartmentalizes things; he moved on immediately to a new target – for whom I feel incredibly sorry.
She has no idea that 3 weeks before they met, we were making our wedding plans at our chosen wedding venue in England. She has no idea that he doesn’t have the flat in London that he claims nor the alleged wealth; he doesn’t have the travel experiences he boasts, but rather shares “stock photos” as opposed to ones he took. She also has no idea that he cheats on her while he’s away on business trips all while calling and texting her and conveying his undying love for this special relationship for which he has been waiting. She’s not aware that she’s not the first person he sends “Good Morning, Beautiful” emails each day, or the only one he “knew he loved her at minute two”, or that she isn’t the only one he’s been waiting to meet (“having been alone a very long time waiting for that special love”), and that there were others that “he felt a lightening bolt when they met”. She’s already let her children into their relationship and has no idea that he’s just a sad, insecure, self-hating person – one who is incredibly in debt and lies to himself and everyone around him.
All we can do is hope she stumbles upon information, too, as that’s what exposed it all for me. For her sake, I hope she discovers the deception sooner than later. It’s a difficult pill to swallow – discovering someone you thought you loved is a total mirage. And the irony: his name is Charlton – seems destined to grow up to be a Charlatan.
Star, You said that everyone has their breaking point…I have worried that maybe I don’t…and that I am just to weak to have a breaking point. I am feeling a little bit stronger today and I appreciate everyones advice.
LL, I hope you don’t run into him either!!!! Anytime my spath would cheat on me…he would tell the new girl that I would not leave him alone b/c I was psycho and that he wanted nothing to do with me.. SAME THING AS YOURS DOES!!!…I know this b/c I have talked to one of the women he cheated on me with. He had told me the exact same thing about her. That she was psycho and would not leave him alone. Now that I step back and look at all of this and talk to you…it is all just absolutely insane. I have so much to make up for too…my mom for one…she gets so angry about what he does to me that her blood pressure gets sky high because she sees how I am bc of what he is putting me through and she gets so upset about it. Not only am I in pain from all of this but my family and friends are too. I have to be strong for them too. Going to the movies with my mom tonight. I have to try to start working some normal back into my life. I heard from him last night around 1:30am…he is acting weird…I did better than I normally do though…
First of all..the only reason he text me was b/c he woke up itching. He still has not gone to the doctor for his bugs!!!! He is disgusting! He wanted to play his crazymaking game…started accusing me of being out drinking (which I was not, I was in bed.) Then wanted to know if I have met someone else. Then he wanted to know if it was a lost cause between us…then he called and I did not answer. Then he said that even if he gets help he thinks that I will be done with him anyway. He just kept twisting everything around. I told him that I am done with his lies and that he twists everything around and to go get help for whatever causes him to be this way or not to contact me anymore. Maybe a weak response on my part…but much better than how I have been responding. 🙂 You know what his answer was to that?? “I’m not twisting it around.” Then nothing more. Ok..I know a spath is a spath…but why is this game fun to them? I know they want power or whatever but why??????? What exactly are they trying to prove??? Why did he bother me in another state! Why not JUST LEAVE ME ALONE and find someone local to play the game with?? Why is is fun to hurt people like this and ruin lives to the extent that they do??? Why do they get off on this stuff? I understand the actual game…but why the f is it fun for them? Maybe this is just a part of dealing with a spath…you can identify what they are…but can’t ever get the answer to the question “why?” I guess this is what you mean about coming to terms with “spathology.” :/ Thank you for calling him a douche bag 🙂 He really is. Ok..this part will drive you nuts…but I have to ask it…say…just say…that he did go to a psychiatrist…can psychiatrists help sociopaths? I know that the counselor didn’t help at all..actually made him a little worse I think…but maybe medication?? I know..bargaining/denial.
EP..
So you got good morning beautiful emails? I got a good morning i love you text every morning too. bastards.
Mending,
Unfortunately, I’m probably going to provide an answer to which you may not like: He’s doing what he’s doing because he CAN. Because that’s just what spaths DO. Everything you wrote about what he’s saying and doing is what a spath does.
Not believing him, yet reading his texts, is NOT helping you. The reason he got a hold of you by pocket calling in the first place is because, even though you moved to another state,there was that little bit of false hope inside that he would try to contact you.
I”m going to tell you the same thing I”ve told you before, mending. You’re going to be done, only when you CHOOSE to be done. This means, you get another phone number. This means you change your email, because each time this man contacts you and you read his stuff or listen to his twisted machinations, you will NEVER walk out of it. This is why NC is so important. This man DOES NOT love you and in fact, at this point, you can be ASSURED that he’s wanting to USE YOU to triangulate with someone else. You already know the truth given what he’s done to you. Read MORE about spaths, assume that everything he says and does is coming from a motivation TO HURT YOU (and it’s working).
The only, ONLY way this man is going to leave you alone and the ONLY, ONLY way you’re going to heal is with NC>
No, therapy won’t do it. You need to let him go, Mending. Because until you do, this is what will happen to you on a daily basis, increasing your anxiety, depression and RUINING your reasons for leaving in the first place.
LL
Dear mending,
No, sociopaths cannot be helped. In fact, going through therapy makes them even more manipulative because they learn the lingo. You will never be able to understand the motives of sick, twisted people. Why waste your time trying?
Here is what has worked for me in the past with sociopaths, or otherwise bad/unstable people in my life:
1. “If I ever see or hear from you again, I will turn you into the army for fraud (harassment/adultery, etc.) Only works for military soc’s.”
2. “If you ever contact me again, I will call the police (and/or file harassment charges).”
3. “Do not ever contact me again.” (and then hang up). Stop answering his calls.
4. Just change your phone number and email address. (I have never had to do this).
Be prepared to follow through on your threats.
Mendingthebrokenpieces,
Yes, every morning I received an email with the subject heading “Good Morning, Beautiful” – from literally right after we met. It was a bit much (he also said loved me within a week). In retrospect, I wish I could go back to that first week. I wasn’t even attracted to him and thought he exhibited effeminate qualities. He knew he had to “step up” his game so he went to an extreme that wasn’t even necessary: he pretended to be this incredibly intelligent, successful, smart, wealthy, worldly guy. He’s actually none of the above.
I wish you the peace that I have after meeting someone like this. You, too, will be fine. This experience has only opened my heart to real love and gives me a benchmark for an appreciation of true qualities in genuine people. Very few people are on the far end of the spectrum as those we experienced: no need to fear finding these pathetic people again, as they are so extreme and rare. Open yourself to loving yourself first (so you can heal) and then loving real people around you.
Since I came out unscathed, I have to hope there is a reason for this experience. Since I feel peaceful and happy, maybe it’s to help others. Please do yourself a favor, cut out all contact. I literally walked away as soon as I discovered the deceit. Never looked back.
Just remember: they are actually very unhappy inside. They use these tools to lure people in (falsely) but it will never last with anyone. They will be sad and alone in the long-term. You, if you choose to be, can be happy.
Dear mending,
As long as you tell yourself “I am too weak” you will be too weak. When you start telling yourself “I AM STRONG” you will be strong. It is a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you believe is what becomes true. If you think you are weak, you ARE WEAK, if you think you are STRONG you ARE STRONG. In this case, you make your own reality by your beliefs.