I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
lesson learned
Educated,
I think that is an incredibly IMPORTANT point! Being in the “real world” again, these people, overall, ARE rare. They’re def out there, but most are NOT like the extremes these folks are.
I appreciate you making that point clear!
LL
educatedprofessional
LL,
Absolutely – these types are so rare. And the ridiculous ones who pretend to be someone else are even more rare. There is no reason why anyone should hold themselves back from love. If anything, we just have a strengthened awareness so we are lucky.
Everyone on here needs to go out and love again. Don’t let an experience with someone who doesn’t deserve you hold you back. Take back your life. No one else – or experiences – can control you.
lesson learned
Educated,
I’ve been making serious efforts to reconnect with people in my life that I’ve neglected, particularly my children, grandchildren and family. I”ve been making new friends, rekindling relationships with healthy friends from school. The differences are ENORMOUS, comparatively!
It’s been a welcome surprise and helped me to see that he had isolated me from those that I loved. I was compartmentalizing them all as well. I knew the he, me and the relationship was sick.
It feels good to FEEL again!
LL
educatedprofessional
Very happy to hear that about your experiences, LL. That’s what I referenced regarding the appreciation for real love and real relationships. It’s kind of like coming out of winter into the spring. The renewed feeling that comes with moving on. It’s amazing.
agreenbean
i hope this “for a while” ends soon. mine has been popping up every few weeks for 3 months and its making it hard to completely get over it. i have felt improvement but i feel like i have to start over whenever he pops up with “i’m worried about you” or something like that, i start getting sucked back into the whirlpool i was in when we were together. its extremely frustrating and disappointing to not be able to move past!
educatedprofessional
agreenbean, can you block all numbers from reaching out to you? I did that immediately through my cell phone company (no texts or calls in/out to that number and can add up to 15 numbers). Also, I set up a filter in email so any messages go directly to trash and I don’t have to see them. Maybe look into that. There’s no reason to ever connect w/ someone like that.
Ox Drover
Dear Greenbean,
Block his access to pop back up, change your phone number, e mail, or block his access to them. If necessary, and he gets to you again, tell him that you will call the cops if he contacts you again. MEAN IT.
skylar
A green bean,
you know, one thing that seemed to help is to toll the spaths that you KNOW THEY ARE LIARS. I told my spath and my brother both, that I know they are liars, they are people of the lie and I’LL NEVER BELIEVE A WORD OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. It has made them slither away because their entire existance is based on their lies.
My brother stopped talking to me, it was the statement that made the most impact on him. I know this because after several months, he wrote me an email saying, “I know you said you don’t believe anything I say…blah blah blah”
Now a normal person wouldn’t focus on that statement after what he did to me. A normal person would say, “I’m so sorry I was an asshole and put you in jail” because that’s the worse thing he did to me and that is the reason I’m NC with him. But the spath – well, it’s always about him, isn’t it? He focuses on his loss of power: boohoo, you think he lies, boohoo.
Letting them know that you are on to their lies and deceit is helpful for getting them to stop bothering you but also do it without emotion or else they will just suck it up and beg for more.
agreenbean
thanks. i guess i have been making excuses not to block his number or filter out his emails. i suppose i’m looking for some resolution that will never come.
there is part of me that feels like i will never feel better about the things he made me feel awful about unless takes them back, unless i get his approval. i know it is ridiculous, i know it is not true. it just crosses my mind sometimes that this is a reason it is a difficult thing to get through.
candy
Agreenbean – There is no conclusion where he is concerned. It’s like going to the cinema and watching one of those films that leaves you up in the air at the end. You feel cheated because you never had satisfactory closeure. Block him. He will never take back those awful things. You DO NOT need HIS approval. All you need is to approve and value yourself. Good luck.