I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Dear Greenbean,
Learning to VALIDATE MY SELF was the hardest part for me, I too wanted the “approval” and validation from the very people who had hurt me, and they are NOT GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU….even if they were to say “sorry”–it won’t last long and they will be right back at hurting you OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER….there will never be a closure as far as them really being “sorry” or changing their behavior.
They can’t be sorry—and they won’t change their behavior. You are an object to them. PERIOD! You have to make your own closure and know it is hard. But you can do it. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there are others here who have made our own closure when we thought we never could…you can too. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOU KNOW. Just believe in yourself and your own strength! (((hugs)))
agreenbean,
In the long run, you will be fine. Think about it: a sociopath will never be able to heal or change. He/she is stuck w/ that misery forever. Their lies catch up with them eventually. You, if you choose to try, can heal and lead a happy, loving, adventurous life. You have to take the first step though.
thanks candy, ox, and educatedprof.
i had been proud of my accomplishments, was a fairly shameless and self sufficient person up until this relationship. i knew i was strong, i had overcome depression, i had overcome a past abusive relationship (nothing like this one). but i was in a vulnerable spot in my life when we met.
i didn’t do a single thing right in his eyes, he was a self proclaimed “expert”, “the smartest” or “the best” at several things, and since i couldn’t do things as well as him, i should just not try. anything i accomplished was met with, “i’m proud of you but you should’ve been able to do that already” everything i took years to do and learn about myself was trashed, he knew every weakness i had and leaned on it till it broke. it left me feeling small, ashamed, and like i have nothing to offer anyone. plus he gave me a virus that can cause cancer, and when telling me this, he blamed me for making him feel bad about it!
he’s been gone for months but i have come to feel like if even a piece of crap like him won’t have me, who will? i am so mad at myself for not walking away when i knew the whole time something didn’t seem right.
how did you guys learn to regain your self worth?
Good Morning! Checking in that you all are doing well, especially GreenBean.
I’ve been having a laughing fit this morning with some friends as we reflect upon some of the ridiculous stories versus the true background of my ex-Spath. I was lucky in that I had access to a lot of information that validated the truth versus the lies (in my case, all were lies). I’m certain, that if you could get into their real background, and uncover the truth around the lies, you too would be laughing at these people. Think about it: they have to live with being like this for the rest of their lives! You don’t. You, too, will see the sadness that exists in being someone who has to live their lives literally running from lie to lie.
Think about this: my ex-spath walked around saying he didn’t understand cultural references and told tall tales of how he would be misunderstood by things he’d say that would be confusing to the American culture and schooling. He literally fakes an accent and speaks as though he spent many years in England (and claims to have move to the States as a 13 yr old child prodigy on his own from Brazil). He was born in Oakland CA, went to school in CA, and grew up in the good old US of A. Never “lived” in England or Brazil – only visited. How absolutely ridiculous does one have to be in order to make these stories up and live a lie. How much does one have to hate himself to pretend to be anything but himself.
See, if only you had access to the background behind the lies, you would see that the hurtful words your spath said were a product of them being completely miserable inside and the goal of making himself (or herself for some) feel better. It’s not you, it’s them.
And trust me, there is love and real relationships after spaths. I’m a living example. You will love in a much deeper level because you went through this. Oh, and I’m already writing a book about this fool – you can’t make these kind of stories up. So many people are fascinated by how disturbed he is – and I’m writing it as a humor (making fun of his ridiculousness of course).
Please choose to heal and feel better.
Greenbean
To answer your question, I never let anyone have my self worth. No one can make you feel inferior without your consent (Eleanor Roosevelt). And I don’t blame myself for falling for lies. His deception was so deeply rooted and covered up, no one could know he was crazy inside. It’s him – not you. Please get to a point of understanding that this person misrepresented himself and his intentions – and let it go. You can live a happy, fulfilled life. He can’t. He’s miserable inside. Even if he has someone in his life now, it would never last and he will never change. It’s all a facade.
agreenbean,
Your ex is one person who’s opinion of you doesn’t matter! Your opinion of yourself matters more. Being a Christian, I believe that you and I are valuable, period. No matter how someone else treats us, it doesn’t eliminate the fact that we are valuable, precious. If you can forgive yourself, accept yourself (blemishes and all), you’ll do fine. The ex is not a blessing to you in any way, shape, or form. Be a friend to yourself and work on getting rid of thought patterns that are NOT speaking the truth about yourself. I know that you have been through the mill (we all have), so treat yourself right, giving yourself what you need at this time. Peace.
well, i certainly didn’t mean to let him have my self worth, i just feel like i woke up one day and realized he had crumbled it all up. i feel that i must’ve let him because i didn’t run away from him like he was on fire, which i sensed should have done but for some reason couldn’t. i’m very hard on myself for intellectually knowing he was unwell but emotionally still being intensely drawn to him. i dont know why i care about his opinion because no one else does, he is generally dismissed as “very smart but crazy” by most people who know him.
i dont believe he will change, so i’m not under that spell. he admit in the end that his decade long relationship failed because he also belittled his wife. he clearly did not learn and will not.
i know real happiness isn’t on his menu. i know he’s empty without someone to push against.
but i wasn’t empty before, and i dont want to be now because of him. i guess i need to re-learn my truth.
Dear Greenbean,
Darling to be rejected by a piece of crap like him is an HONOR! Not a down grade! He CHOSE YOU because you are empathetic and caring!
When I was so emotionally beaten down by being rejected and despised by those I so wanted to please (the psychopaths) and treated as trash, I was devastated—but eventually I learned that I can VALIDATE MYSELF. I don’t need anyone else to tell me I am worthwhile or that I am right or that they are liars! Truth is truth even if I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WORLD TO BELIEVE IT.
When Columbus was the only one who thought th world was round, it did NOT CHANGE THE SHAPE OF THE WORLD because ONLY he believed it was round. Truth is truth. Right is right! You can validate yourself, your own worth, your own opinion, the truth you see. That is all you need! YOU ARE VALUABLE!!!!! Your value does NOT depend on the opinion of a piece of crap without any conscience, without any empathy! (((hugs))) and God bless you!
i anxiously await the day i get to the state you are in, ox drover. i am so very tired of feeling discarded when i know i am better off away from him.
he was not so much a blatant liar as he was very critical, belittling and manipulative. Still, i have a very hard time accepting he is “a bad person” even though there is evidence that he can be!
i cannot reconcile his hurtful behavior with what i thought were feelings of love i was developing for him.
i can’t reconcile his behavior with his confession of love (made after he dropped me on my head of course) or his expressions of worry about me.
i continue to think he must be of some value since he managed to keep an intelligent very successfull woman for a long time. but maybe she was just as confused as i am.
i have a million excuses and a million hurts i dont know how to sort through yet. therapy is somewhat helpful but i get to a point where i just get stuck and upset all over again.
Agreenbean,
If I may, I think the key to this is realizing YOUR love was true and your empathy was genuine. It’s just that the person he presented DIDN’T EXIST. That’s likely where it’s hard for you to reconcile. That’s because we are good, amazing people.
At first, I felt bad labeling my ex-spath as a sociopath, but in the end, it wasn’t just a label to make me feel good. It’s the reality – just as real as someone who has brown eyes. He’s a sociopath that lies and manipulates for his own benefit. It’s not me putting that on him – it’s how he operates. And it’s a very sad existence for him. He will never be happy. He will never have a long term relationship – no matter how much he fools others for now. He hates himself so much that he pretends to be someone else – someone successful, smart, worldly, sophisticated, talented, wealthy, etc. He’s none of the above and is miserable as a result. You, too, will see the reality versus the delusional acts presented to you. And you will be happy. Believe it.
I thought I was going to marry an amazing guy. It turned out he was fake. I moved on and forgot him- am beyond grateful that I blew his cover and walked away. Can’t begin to describe how happy I am – I was very close to having my life ruined by him. Sort of makes all things brighter and shinier walking away from that. As for the pain, it only took me a few weeks/maybe a month to get to the point of realizing that it’s his problem. I will always be a happy, loving, wonderful person. He will always be miserable inside – no matter what pretense be presents 🙂 You will see this, too.
Just work through it – different people handle these things in different ways.