I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
For alot of spaths it is the pursuit that thrills them.. when we say – ok – I am yours – they dont know wtf to do – they get bored – they need the thrill of the chase – chasing several at a time – but! keeping the dumbest one for a roof over their head while they go fishing – sooner or later we get tired of the chit – so they just pack their things in a brown paper bag and move in with next dimwit…rinse and repeat – I doubt he would even recognize me by now……
Star, would LOVE to hear that chica!
Truly, I think dumbass if FAR too kind 😉
Hens,
I think you’re right. Something I”ve been pondering. First, it’s the thrill of the chase (several at once), then there’s the bite from the victim (caught), then there is the pretentious monogamy while victim is being love bombed to death. Then she’s hooked. Then he gets bored. So, like mine, he sets up a triangulation situation. Mine was particularly secretive. I wonder how he managed it all with time?
**sigh**
Everyday that passes is another day that I see more.
UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
oh mine came up with the dumbest excuses as to why he was late or had to go here or there – I mean the truth would of been better than the lie – dont get me started…bloomin rose the day WILL come when you look back at all this and thank God and greyhound he is just f—ing gone……..
‘love bombed’ there has to a better way to describe how they do that ..kinda like black widow spider that kills the male after sex – I mean why in the hell does that stupid ass male spider go on that date anyway?
Hens
I think love bomb is accurate. What other terms could you put it in? It’s so overwhelming. If you come up with something, let me know, but I think…………dunno, almost like an OCD thing, ya know? It IS like being bombed!!
Hens,
I”m getting there. The more I find out about the lies and all…..holy shiat I’m more than happy to be out…..
I know I couldn’t stomach that shit again
bombed with love sounds romantic – it’s more like – bombed with lies……lie bombed
Hens!!
YES!
Let’s get real creative here……um…..hmmmm….**thinkin**
Roses,
I met my spath on the reptile site. He lived at an army base an hour away. He told me he was in the process of getting divorced and never wore a ring. However, one day he was posting pictures of his new snake on the reptile site. They were recent pictures from about 3 days after he was talking marriage with me. And lo and behold, what was he wearing on his ring finger? Stupid dumbass forgot to take off his wedding ring for the pictures. It was the give-away that he had lied to me.
He also had lied to the army and told them he had a head injury. He’d been playing them for 2 years trying to get out on a medical discharge. I found this out afterward. He told them he couldn’t walk or drive and had no feeling from the waist down. He faked a facial tic, a speech impediment, and a walking impediment (he used a cane).
Well, he also told me he had a head injury. But around me he acted completely normal. In fact, he even helped a friend of mine remodel his house, ripping out old carpet and stomping it down in the dumpster. My friend wrote him a check and saved a copy of the check. So when I found out he was married, I turned his ass into the army for adultery. It was THEN that his army sergeant told me they suspected malingering (faking an injury to get a medical discharge). Well, my friends had ALL seen him walk and talk and drive normally. And my one friend HAD A COPY OF THE CHECK HE WROTE. We all signed sworn statements, and the army found him guilty of fraud. Of course, he claimed we were all lying. But then….(this is the best part)….I had a PICTURE of him from a reptile show we went to standing up and holding a 75 lb burmese python around his shoulders. GUILTY! Pictures don’t lie.
After we split up, he stalked me at another reptile show. He told the army he never went to that show. But SURPRISE AGAIN! He turned up accidentally in the background of one of MY pictures from the show. He was pretty stupid for a sociopath. He really busted himself.