I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Hope,
I don’t have a problem with 12-step programs themselves. I think the information is inspired and useful. But in my experience, there are many personality disordered people in them who are just going through the motions because they are not capable of working the steps.
Star,
Yes, I agree… taking steps to recovery is a great concept. It just seems that what I’ve heard called the “alcoholic personality” is in reality personality disorder, and therefore does not seem to ring true to me.
I guess I’ve noticed more than my share of personality disordered people in my life. I’ve always been interested in the way people act, as opposed to what they say.
Thank goodness so few have been close to me!!
I’m not slamming the programs. I just think there are a number of personality disorder people in them. And when they start prosthletizing me, I’m done. I have no patience for that – zip, nada.
Another tragic story ..such a waste of a life ..
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3492465/Sister-of-Sian-OCallaghan-murder-suspect-says-shes-not-shocked-at-his-arrest.html
i hadn’t read this thread until this morning.
mask, charade, lies…………in my case this was wrapped into ‘characters’. i know there are a lot of new people here, so i will explain my odd story. My spath created 20 characters – a fake boy, and his fake friends and family…even dogs and cats.
she used other peoples’ pictures to back this all up – so i had about 6 fake people telling me the same story. most of this happend online in a private forum – and others were duped. I also had regular phone contact with the main character, and some phone contact with another of the characters after the fake death of the main character.
of course, there is no other possible explanation for this woman’s deeds: SPATH. Oxy says i was really nuts when i got here…well, no wonder. The spath had fake killed the fake boy…then resurrected him weeks later. A few weeks after that i figured out who she really was, and also whose pictures she ripped off. I was also greatly affected and cognitively impaired by exposures to chemical toxins.
The whole damn thing was a lie. So for me it is easier in a way – I KNOW it was all a lie. Do I have lurking questions about her attachment to me, and to my grasp of the totality of the con? yep, but i don’t give them a moment’s time in my mind. That woman tried to undermine my life, kill my esteem, and hurt me physiologically and emotionally. she is in hell already – by being what she is. Does she suffer? Who knows, but SHE WILL NEVER KNOW THE FEELING OF LOVE AND COMPASSION AND CARE FOR OTHERS THAT I DO….SHE IS ALREADY IN HELL. Because what is heaven but a sense of connection, jubilation and love?
one joy: 100 (in knowledge, 45 in practice) spath: 0
Well guys I have been out and spent….wait for it….nearly £40 on 2 pairs of shoes! That is soooo extravagant for me. Before spath I was solvent, no money worries but after spath I was left with debt (still am) but I have been very careful over the last 5 months and today I have gone mad and exercised some retail therapy. And boy oh boy it felt soooo good to be out there again buying nice (essential) things.
me = 110……. spath = zero.
One Joy,
you said you have lurking questions about her attachment to you? really? Do you think there was some kind of attachment?
Hello everyone!
My drama continued, but hopefully is over. You tell me what you think. After my ex spath going back and forth telling me one moment that he wanted everything back that I had giving him, and then telling me to keep everything because it would make our realtionship seem “meaningless” if I did, he once again started texting me that he wanted everything back sinc I obviously didn’t want to talk to him any more. Keep in mind, I had already offered to give him everything back when we originally broke up a few weeks ago. So I got fed up with this game. I found a friend with a pick up truck to help me load everything this guy had given to me, dropped it all off at his mother’s house. I even gave things back that were given to me as Christmas gifts, which I really don’t think I should have to do, but I didn’t want him to have anything to hold over my head. I gave him back jewelry he had given to me too. Sent him a short text telling him of my plans to drop everything at his mom’s. He just said “I thought you would do that”, as if it was another one of his sick tests. I am hoping, especially with the return of the jewelry, he will realize that I am finished. I actually did talk to him on the phone briefly, and told him flat out that I will never want to have a relationship with him. I asked him very firmly, as if he was 5 years old, if he understood that. He answered “yes”. I also tried to file a PFA against him, but they would not grant it since none of his texts were threatening. They did however, tell me that I could file harassment charges if he continues to call and text. I told him after our talk yesterday afternoon that he needs to stop texting and calling. I haven’t heard from him since. so my question to all of you….do you think he has finally given up???
PS – Ox, I dreamt that I met you yesterday, and that you were actually counseling my xpath!!!
Hope to heal,
Going back to your comment about the “alcoholic personality”–the thing is that just because one has an addiction does not mean one is not ALSO personality disordered. They do not however ALWAYS go together.
There are people who are addicts and NOT personality disordered, but unfortunately there are people in AA and other 12-step programs who are PERSONALITY DISORDERED and they are just as nasty sober as they were drunk—only now AA calls them “Dry drunks”—and unfortunately, also those people use AA or 12-step programs to find new victims and to pose as “recovered” when IN FACT they are STILL PSYCHOPATHS, just sober ones.
Those people give AA and other 12 step programs a bad name, just like pedophile priests give the Catholic church a bad name and image.
The problem with AA and many/most church groups is that when someone “sins” and then says “sorry” (whether they are genuine or not with their sorry) the group dynamics show that the group has to “take them at face value” and at least pretend the “sorry” is genuine…because that is what the purpose of the group is, to redeem “sinners” and to “forgive” and find “the good in everyone” NEWSFLASH FOLKS!!! There are some people that there “JUST AIN’T NO GOOD IN AT’TALL.”
Dear 2good32Btrue,
Let me tell you what my “counseling” advice was to him, just so you will know—and I’d looooove to counsel him. Here it is.
“Jerkface, go to the nearest tall building, take the elevator to the roof, walk to the edge and don’t look down, then take two steps forward!”
LOL
I think your idea to give him back all his “stuff” is a very good plan….and really, what would you want that shiat for anyway? Every time you saw it you would think about him.
You know I gathered up and gave away everything my egg donor had ever given me….everything! Either threw it out or gave it to someone who would appreciate it. I don’t want anything around of hers. I think you will be glad that you got rid of the stuff—-I think you did a GOOD JOB on that one, GF!!!! TOWANDA!!!!