I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Oxy,
Your post expressed my thoughts much better than I was.
Star, I apologize if I sounded as if I were arguing with you. Not my intention at all.
Methinks I’d better get some more reading done here. Still trying to wrap my mind around everything I’m reading here, so that I can be better at helping R to deal with his ex.
One day at a time. That IS a mantra I believe in. (((hugs)))
BTW – what does towanda mean?
toogoodtobetrue, i gave everything back that he had at my apartment (all his possessions and gifts I bought). Afterwards, he completely pretended that I don’t exist (because I figured out all his lies). It’s actually AMAZING (I’m so thankful!) that he does that so I never have to see him again. I know in my heart that I was good – that’s all that matters to me.
Just remember – they are sick in the head (at least my ex-spath is deeply disturbed). It doesn’t matter to them whether you are an amazing person and give everything back…or not. Only WE have feelings and only WE have a conscience. They could care less what we do. And honestly, in the end, just be happy to not be them. It’s impossible for someone like us to wrap our heads around it. Just remember: they are sick. You are not. Please, please, please move on. It doesn’t matter what you do – they only care about manipulation because they are miserable inside.
And again, now that I know who the real [insert name – or the new fake name he now uses], I would never, ever have been remotely attracted to him. He had to pretend to be someone else with amazing qualities he doesn’t possess in order to attract me. I consider myself LUCKY that I figured it all out and didn’t ruin my life 🙂 You should as well!
BTW – I have an amazing(!) boyfriend now. And I am so appreciative of real love. You can, too. I wish you peace in your heart. You deserve that.
educatedprofessional – Thank you for your kind words! I am very thankful that I did figure it out so quickly. I also believe and am in a weird way thankful for this ex-spath. He was the type of person that helped me to realize that I had the strength to leave a bad marriage. I had a blast with him for those first few months, and he helped me to get settled into my own apartment. I just didn’t realize the controlling motives he had for being so helpful. I do know that he is deeply disturbed. what is really annoying to me, however, is that none of the psycologists or psychiatrists he has supposedly seen have had him put in a straight jacket and locked up!!! How do these sick sick people con their way out of the psycho wards??? I know he can be very charming when he needs to be, but I feel like he is a true danger to himself and the next victim of his seemingly charming ways. I would hate to see another victim, but feel helpless in controlling his ways. It is very sad.
ox – PS – what does TOWANDA mean??
TOWANDA is the “battle cry” of old and crafty folks from the movie “Fried green Tomatoes” That Was cried when the character plowed her car iinto the car of the smart alec’s who grabbed her parking place in front of her. It is part of the “Love Fraud” vocabulary and culture! When someone does something great we cry out “TOWANDA!!!” There are a lot of silly little “Love Fraud-isms” that you will come into contact with, that’s one…and if you do something to put yourself down, I’ll “boink” you on top of the head with the cyber skillet, or someone else will borrow it and boink you if I’m not around! LOL We have relation-shits (thanks Henry!) with the Ps and relation-ships with good people! LOL
If someone comes on here and acts like a psychopath, we will ignore them (“treat them like potted plants”) or just “gray rock” them —be BORING and talk about how we love to garden! LOL (thanks sky) then we hit the “report abusive comment” button and Donna takes care of them.
If something goes across the screen you don’t understand, just give out a yell, someone will explain it to you! (((hugs)))
Love the support. It’s a horrible experience that we all have endured. Even if it has provided more strength than we ever imagined and made us better people. I would still trade having never experienced it.
((((((((((((( Star! ))))))))))))))))))))
You’re amazing! You’re going to be good!
I just know!
LL
Dear Professional,
I agree, but you know, if we can make something good out of a horrible experience, I think we are still better off for the experience. Sort of like draining a boil, painful, but needs to be done before it can heal!
Specially if the boil is on your Butt!
Love,
GemX