I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Stargazer
Dear Hope,
No I didn’t think you were arguing in the least. I was trying to clarify my position on here because many members here are in 12-step programs and I didn’t want them to feel like I was slamming them or their program. Oxy’s post about it describes exactly how I feel. Well said.
Thanks, LL. I just keep going, for better or for worse. It amazes me that I have so many people in my life who look up to me, for whom I am a healer and a mentor, and yet I am so screwed up in so many ways – the wounded healer. One of the contradictions in my life. When I was in graduate school (studying counseling), I went into major depression to the point where I could barely function. I knew I would have to drop out of school and just sensed that I was more messed up than the other students, even those who’ve had bad childhoods. I was diagnosed by one day treatment program as a borderline personality disorder. And yet my professors and supervisor begged me to stay. They all told me I was the best counselor and brightest student they ever had in the program. They offered me the position of teaching assistant for a counseling skills class, which I excelled in. But I felt really fundamentally messed up. I still feel that way much of the time. And sometimes, I am just not thinking about it or about myself and catch myself making a difference in some people’s lives. Life is funny. For some people, it goes in a straight line. For others, we cycle over and over into the depths of hell and back again.
candy
LMAO….I typed in Spathectomy on Google and it came up with this…………..
Lovefraud Blog » Blog Archive » ASK DR. LEEDOM: Are sociopaths …
18 Jan 2008 … “SPATHECTOMY”. This is when you cut the spath out of your heart and life with a blunt, rusty knife,take him/her to Bali. and feed him/her to …
http://www.lovefraud.com/…/ask-dr-leedom-are-sociopaths-and-psychopaths-vindictive/
toogoodtobetrue
Thank you for explaining some of the Love Fraudism’s OX! Helpful and quite entertaining!
I have to say, this is the best blog website I have ever visited. Usually people tend to get way off the topic, and don’t help each other or give advice. But I feel like everyone on here really cares about what we have all been through!!! Stargazer and Ox – you have both given me the best advice!! I’m sure I would have let things drag on much longer if I hadn’t taken the “gray rock” approach with ex-spath! So all you newbies reading this – take the advice in here if you want to save yourself many months or years of grief!!! I know now that I will be happy and know what true love is. I will always know now that if it seems too good to be true, it probably is!!!! I will know to take things much slower in my next relationship. I will know what signs to look for early on that there is something not quite right! I know i don’t know you guys, but I really feel a bond with you!!!
Love,
2Good
Hope to heal
Star – Oxy said it way better than I could too, but I do agree. Thanks so much for explaining it to me.
I would not want to offend anyone that is honestly working toward recovery of any kind: drugs, spath, alcohol etc.
Personally, I was addicted to nicotine. I had to kick it in my own way. I would never presume to tell someone that their way of doing it was wrong, only that it was wrong for me.
Oxy – thanks much for defining for us! Perhaps Donna could put a list of LFisms on the home page for us newbies??
toogoodtobetrue
Candy- That is hysterical!!! Too funny!!!
Stargazer
ha ha ha ha Spathectomy. That makes my day!
Ox Drover
Dear HOpe2heal,
The “lF-isms” are continually in flux as new phrases sort of get inserted into the jargon, it is like most “languages” it keeps on changing. LOL
I tend to be leery of people in 12 step programs until I get to know them really well—BECAUSE—sometimes the ones who are the most “sincere” (sounding) are the very ones that are using it to MASK THEIR PSYCHOPATHY! LOL Sort of like some “Christians” who are really “into Jesus” and preaching it to others the loudest, are actually the VERY ones that Jesus was warning his followers to watch out for ‘WOLVES IN SHEEPS’ CLOTHING.”
In my studies about “America’s founding fathers” I found it very interesting that the Pilgrims who came to our shores for “religious freedom” were ACTUALLY the most likely bunch to want to PROHIBIT any one else’s religious “freedom”—-they wanted “freedom of religion” but it had to be THEIR RELIGION that was the only one that was “free”—they kind of reminded me of the TALIBAN today….very willing to punish someone else for not adhering to THEIR version of religion, but DEMANDING that they have “freedom of religion.” CAN WE SAY HYPOCRITE?
So anyway, that’s sort of what I see as a red flag in any person who claims to be “Christian” or “12 step” or any other “belief system”—-do they have the same kind of tolerance and caring for others that they want for themselves or are they just a hard line “do it my way or else” thinking.
Stargazer
Dear toogood2betrue,
Truthfully, I often don’t remember what I say to whom here, just as I sometimes get people’s stories mixed up. I’m so glad something I said could be helpful to you. I read in your recent post that you feel grateful for what the spath taught you. To me, this is a sign that you are moving on and doing very well. Gratitude is useful. It can be invoked to change your mood when you are upset, but when it comes spontaneously, to me, this is a sign of healing. 🙂
skylar
Well said, Star. Gratitude is a key component to our healing, a tool and a blessing. It might also be the ‘MISSING LINK”. Spaths are incapable of gratitude because they are ENTITLED TO EVERYTHING so why be grateful? Of course their entitlement makes them feel enormous ENVY when anyone else has any little tidbit of anything. After all, what ever you have is just one less thing for the entitled sociopath to have.
Gratitude is sooooo important.
ValleyGirl
re: gratitude – a big red flag for me was after the spath had been laid off late last summer, then got a new job (that he didn’t like), but was complaining about people on welfare/unemployment. I could not understand how he had just been in the very same situation, and yet was so judgmental of others. I remember telling him, “You were unemployed for 2 months, but you never missed a meal, you always had a roof over your head, and gas in your car. How can you be so ungrateful?” Well, it seems like a lifetime ago, and I understand all too well now.
I AM GRATEFUL that he is out of my life now. 10 weeks NC. The fog lifts a little more each day, I sometimes even feel “normal” again. There are still struggles every day, but I am trying to move forward, with a new “reality”.