I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Thank you, Ox! Yes, you are right. It is like peeling layers of an onion. I did see something online that Kubler-Ross wrote, however it was death based., and although grief is grief, this particular piece that I had read was so far removed from my feelings due to the issue at hand. I will google her, though. Maybe I will find other things written by her. Ox, I am so anxious for the day to come when the Acceptance-Backsliding back and forth comes to an end. When, as you say I will get there and STAY THERE with the resolution. It helps me so much to hear you say that I won’t always feel this way. I really can’t thank you enough for making me aware of this.
I know I will sound just like LL (who I adore) when I ask this, but Ox, can you tell me how much longer it is going to last. If you remember, I was in the relationship for 9.5 months, and I have been completely NC for four months. (except when I ran into him randomly, at an open house and again at the bank). I just need it to end in my head, for good.
Thank you so much for everything!
Love,
E
Dear Eden,
Time is not a “calendar” it is a river…there is no way I can tell you how “long” it is or when it will dry up…it just all “depends” on you and how you work through this thing. It takes What ever period of time it takes, and there is no sense trying to RUSH it….it won’t work. I wish it would. Just sit back and enjoy the ride and relax and don’t get in a hurry, the more you hurry the further you will get behind. (((Hugs))))
Thanks, Sky!
This all makes so much sense! When you say “In your case, I think you are feeling powerless to prevent the spath from continuing his spathicity because you don’t know how it will be received or if you will be believed”. I was telling shabby chic, texact that! And I do know that it should not matter a bit to me. The funny thing is, I was in a place in my head for a long time, where I didn’t care. Not even an ounce. But like the onion analogy that Ox reminded me of, I now feel it itensly and I care. I don’t want to care. It isn’t like me, either. I am normally stronger than this. Not now. Not in the past several days.
On a possitive note however, I am not becoming enraged like I had been, if you remember. I became so angry everytime the issue caused me to have negative feelings or emotions. This is huge for me. My anger was running my life. Not anymore. Now I have an abundance of humiliation. I will go and look at the link you posted. Thank you so much for that!
Much Love,
E
Thank you, Ox,
What you say here is so profound “relax and don’t get in a hurry, the more you hurry the further you will get behind”. This makes perfect sense. I can understand what you mean by this, and will heed this advice. (((Hugs)))) back to you! I appreciate this very much!
E
Skylar, Thanks so much for the link on humiliation. That is really good stuff. It makes me aware of just how much I feel humiliated by my circumstances. I knew I felt bad, but couldn’t put my finger on where the feeling was coming from.
I need to work on self-image.
I also noticed that humiliation is based on a power differencial…just as is trauma bonding…and works to increase the power differencial…and the bond. Yuck!!
I loved the quotes at the end of the essay. “The most dangerous men are the ones who secretly believe they are wimps.” (I paraphrase.)
I had an interesting thought the other day, after reading one of your posts. You used the term, “cog-dis” to refer to “cognotive dissonanced”. It took me a minute to understand what cog-dis was, so my mind started boincing around, searching it’s data bank, and I first thought of a cog on a wheel,,,the essential element that allows the wheel to turn…then I thought, dis…as in disconnect…and I came up with this: Cog-dis is a disconnection between a spoke in a wheel and it’s cog, or essential center. This essential center is soul, and souls connection to it’s higher power, or God. If we are disconnected to this cog, we become immobilized and dysfuncional.
Trauma bonds are formed via power differentials, hence, a power hungry domineering person can sometimes throw a wrench into the works, and jam the system…we experience cog-dis; we experience O for umbrella; we have a WTF moment, but because we have no reference point with which to explain our confusion, we sling it in the WTF bucket. At the moment we do this, we exacerbate the disconnect from from our own vital center, or soul.
Humiliation is probably one of the most effective wrenches that anyone can throw into the system to jam the works.
I think that when we first begin to heal, we feel a great deal of self-rightous anger, because we recognize how we have been humiliated, and we recognize the absolute injustice of it.
After we work through this anger at humiliation, after the angry energy is depleted, we return to center, and we focus our energy on fixing the disconnect between the spoke and the cog…For me it’s spiritual. But this spiritual healing is hindered by shame.
So, I think it’s about an honest self-appraisal, and then a compassionate self-forgiveness, and then an honest effort to stay centered….to stay connected to spirit, and never sully that connection through anything that dishonors it.
Oh my. But I wax phylosophical.
I found an interesting site, yesterday. I think you can find it by googling “Peter Fox”. He is primarily a couples therapist, but he has a wealth of information about healing our hearts, and is especially usefull for those of us who have been victims of affairs, (and I do mean all of us, he has a lot of compassion for all three participants in the triangle.
He also has a nice amount of spirituality going on…so check it out, Ya’ll.
I had a long spring break away from computer access, so am glad to be back. 🙂
Hey everyone! It’s been a long time. I’ve been off traveling – having the time of my life: India, Ireland, UK, all over US including Grand Canyon….all while working 🙂
Hope everyone is well. Just wanted to check in and offer an update that there definitely is a great life after experiencing spaths. You really just need to listen if someone warns you – or if you see the signs yourself. I actually ended up extending myself to my ex-spaths current GF to warn her. She figured out he was lying about a few things already, but didn’t really seem like it was enough to move her away from it. It’s really quite sad, as I don’t think she quite understands the full picture that I discovered – fraud, debt, cheating…so much more than the lies. He changed his name from “Charlton” to “Alex” so that should have been the first sign 🙂
Wishing everyone peace as they go through this. I’m here to say that there definitely is happiness after it all. My ex-spath proposed to me, selected a wedding venue and lied about literally every aspect of his life (pretended to be rich, educated, pretended to be never married and without children, fake dead brother who he claimed was the father of his real children, fake sister who was really a lover, etc…just sick in the head) and I have nothing but gratitude that I discovered it all.
I have an amazing boyfriend and literally appreciate life so much more now. I escaped as soon as I detected 2 of the lies. LOL – there were so many more that unfolded. I hope his GF eventually sees that he’s freeloading off her, as he was me, and that he is dangerous. I could only do so much – but ladies please listen to your own instinct (when you see signs) or others if they raise flags!
educatedprofessional:
Thanks for the advice! 🙂
I am glad to hear all is going well with you!
I didn’t listen to the warning from the OW, BUT…that is neither here nor there now because I found out that she was lying MORE than he was. She was still relentlessly pursuing him. She was addicted which I understand, but she was also duping me at the same time…it was a mess and really messed up my life. Sooooo, I did NOT heed the warning, but I have learned.
I only warned her 6 months later – though knew about her pretty much the whole time. I had hoped she would figure things out on her own. I sersiously had no personal interst in warning her – in fact I put myself in way of his retaliation (which he does mainly online and through some of his false idendities). But I thought it was worth it since she’s divorced with kids. The sad thing is that he moved in w/ her (them) right away. I’m not a mother, but would question moving someone into that situation after 1.5 months of knowing someone.
He has retaliated – in a very silly way – in that he ordered a bunch of baby magazines and subscribed me to baby sites. I tracked the IP address with one of the firms and he (sickly) used the birthdate of his daughter (whom I didn’t know he had since he claimed to have no children and said she was a niece). My boyfriend and I just laughed at how pathetic he really is – and that it doesn’t bother us in any way. All you can do.
Just hope she discovers more for herself (she was already asking me if he had a paycheck and why he has so many computers and that she figured out he lied about his age and some properties he owned….and clearly lied about me). I sincerely wish her peace as I know the person she’s with isn’t good for her (or anyone). A man completely changing his name – creating a fake middle name and going by that (pretends it’s Alexandre and calls himself Alex while neither are real) – it should be a huge red flag. Some women don’t want to see the flags!
Skylar
You have the most insightful posts.
Last week I was talking to my therapist about my emotional ups and downs in getting away from the spath. She said
* when I’m feeling hopeful & wanting the spath, I’m in a world of fantasy
* when I’m sad, I’m recongnizing the reality of my grief
I have been struggling to understand my sadness. So, it’s grief. Grief about what?
I think your link on humilation (above) partially answered that question. I am angry, I feel so stupid, that I thought this guy actually cared about me. I did everything for him, above and beyond, and he did SO MANY things to hurt me and humilate me.
You said your spath wanted to revel in your pain. What an insightful comment.
It must make them feel good when they hurt people. Is that right?
In my spath’s last email that I received before I blocked them – he asked me if I hated him. Just like your spath did.
According to your link, if any of us wanted to hurt the spath or get revenge, two actions would be quite powerful:
1) ignore them.
2) ridicule them.
I don’t think I’ve ever ridiculed anybody. I don’t even know how.
Superkid
Superkid:
I posted on another link how I have realized I am stuck in that “fantasy” mode that your therapist told you about. I wasn’t with him long enough to end up hating him. Does that make sense? Sure, he pulled tons of spathy crap on me, but it was short lived and along with the OW, it really damaged me. But I, like you, live in that fantasy when I have those wanting feelings. We never knew the “real” man. Grief about what? You are mourning what you thought you had. You are mourning the loss of that fantasy; that beautiful relationship you thought you had. It’s worse than a death to me. At least with death, the person is gone and there is nothing you can do about that. Hopefully in death, there was love and you can have loving memories of the person and move on. But when the person is still walking this earth; that is tough.
That’s how I feel, too, SK…how STUPID I am to think he ever really wanted me! That hurts. But here is where his spath traits really show up…after he came around again last year after four months of no contact (when I was leaving my job) he started all that lovey crap again. He just didn’t like the fact that one of his sheep was leaving the flock…it was all about control. But here is what he told me. When we were seeing each other before the NC, he never professed any feelings for me except to lie one night and tell me he loved me. Ha, I knew that wasn’t true, but anyway, other than all the times he told me I was gorgeous, etc., he never actually professed any feelings for me. But then when he came around again after I left my job, he told me that he could see himself with me! Wow, I thought I heard angels singing! HA!! I don’t know how anyone else would take that, but to me, that was a pretty strong statement. That told me that a person must really care about someone or find some really good qualities in them if they could see themselves with that person (me). So anyway…did he mean it???? That is what I struggle with. I have to tell myself now that NO, he did NOT mean it. I am just crazy to think he did. But then I question why would he say it? He had no motives at that point. It wasn’t to get me back into bed. There was no intimate contact. So I don’t know why he would say it other than to just f*ck with my head. So…there’s the spath in him. Just one of many of his antics.
I hope this has helped you.