I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
BBE
That was very well stated.
It breaks my heart to see so many people struggling with this. I feel even more fortunate that I moved on so easily. By no means am I minimizing the process. It wasn’t easy – the first 2 months were horrible, but something broke at 2 months. I came to terms that I was just simply fooled by a con artist. He dragged me wedding ring shopping after a month, told me he loved me within the first week, and played this whole charade (proposing, securing a ring w/ the jeweler, continuously professing his undying love). I left him after we visited our wedding venue for the 3rd time – after discovering literally everything about him was a lie (social status, background, philosophical beliefs, wealth and experiences – age, children, marital status, everything). I mention all this only to show you that I was fooled too. But am so happy. My life could have ended up very differently. Finding out and walking out was my response.
Feel sorry for those women that feel desperate enough to stay – they refuse to see what’s in front of them. That should give you all power in your struggles.
educatedprofessional
Thanks – I’m “NC” for a while now too – I was reading his emails, but now blocked them – so I guess I’m gradually increasing the level of NC. I do feel better, some days are harder than others.
When I write on this blog, or talk to my therapist, and I talk about his lies and get it out of my system (it wasn’t real, it was a lie) I do feel better.
Your post above, mentioning the women that feel desperate enough to stay……
My spath went back to his ex-wife. I think she is a good person who is blinded, doesn’t really know the extent of his lies, doesn’t understand the true story, somebody who is not seeing the whole picture, unaware of the impact of his spathy on their kids……
I wish I had a letter I could give her, a letter to a victim who doesn’t realize she’s a victim….. I am too close to the situation to write one. I’ve thought about sending her The Betrayal Bonds (and 100 other books I’ve read)…I know it’s not my “JOB” but I do feel compelled to say something…
SK
Educatedprofessionial
QUOTE: “Feel sorry for those women that feel desperate enough to stay ”“ they refuse to see what’s in front of them. That should give you all power in your struggles. ”
It isn’t only WOMEN who “feel desperate enough” to stay in a relationship with a psychopath….or to “REFUSE to see what is in front of them.”
I am truly happy for you that you were able to see what was going on with your relationship with this person after two months and to escape it relatively unscathed.
It isn’t always feeling “desperate enough to stay” that makes us stay in the relationship. It isn’t always a sense of “desperation” that keeps us wanting to believe the lies, that keeps us trying to fix the relationship and make it better. It isn’t just “desperation” that makes us forgive and try to work things out.
Sometimes it is an excess of empathy and caring, an excess of responsibility, or an excess of kindness, or an excess of wanting to keep a family unit together, but not always “desperation, ” in fact, I would say most of the time it isn’t “desperation.”
Dear Sk,
I know what you mean about wanting to clue her in that she is a victim, but unfortunately, chances are she wouldn’t believe you, even if you had a video. It is one of those things that we have to learn for ourselves.
I’ve been on both sides of that “coin”–I have been warned and did not believe. I have WARNED and not been believed, so even if you want to warn her, blow it off and just take that energy and devote it to your own healing. (((hugs)))
Hi Oxy and SK, I have been wondering about this myself. When my Sp left his wife after he was “with me” for one week she was devastated and totally clueless. She suffered then and continues to do so, three years later. When he “left me” (several times) on a whim, with no forewarning I went from gradually from totally blown away and dumbfounded to now, relief, nearing indifference because I know what he is. Knowing what he is made it all clear and alleviated so much suffering!
His exwife does not know what he is and continues to mourn, questioning what she has done wrong, etc, blaming herself. Is there some way I can anonymously connecting her to LF or the like so she does not have to waste any more time taking his betrayal personally? B
Fair enough. Desperate wasn’t a good choice of words. I was referencing a specific scenario in my head when I wrote that. Someone who sees the lies for herself and also was warned…but refuses to really look at it. Regardless, it’s a poor choice of words.
I really only wanted to provide some people on here with thoughts to make themselves feel empowered – that even though it hurts to examine and come to realization, it’s better than being in that situation. And to remind those who got out early, to feel blessed there is nothing to tie back to the sociopath. My ex was apparently married at one point – and she’s stuck to him forever because of kids that I knew nothing about.
We can only look at these experiences from our own eyes and enlightenment. I am certainly not judging anyone on here: people are on here because we all experienced something horrible. The specifics are all personal. If I can help one person move on and feel happy, that is worth wonders.
And just to clarify, in my situation, the relationship was a lot longer than 2 months. It was the healing and understanding and letting go that took 2 months.
BBE:
Yeah and you know…I wonder if they knew that. They must have known if they stuck around long enough we would figure out the true spath that they were and they didn’t want that. They WANTED us to forever want them and be in the fantasy stage. That’s what I think. I think that’s why they ran.
educatedprofessional:
Yeah, for me it wasn’t desperation. I could have a lot of men, believe me! I stuck around because I truly loved this man. He invoked feelings in me I had NEVER felt with anyone else. But desperate….no. 🙂
Louise, believe me, I more than understand. It was the same for me DURING it. What surprises me more are those that STAY after the mask is uncovered.
educatedprofessional:
I understand, I really do and I am getting there surely, but slowly. And you are right…I also have nothing, not one thing tying me to the spath. Didn’t live with him, didn’t marry him, didn’t have children with him. But his wife is all tied up in that because they have two children and I do feel for her. I know what you are saying. I am with you to know that you and I got out relatively easy. There is just something in you that helped you heal more quickly than most of us on here including me.