I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
To come full circle, it was just the simple fact he: the person I knew didn’t exist. This blog site certainly helped with that.
I, too, feel sorry for his girlfriend. But she saw it herself – and was warned – so I can only feel so sorry for her. It’s up to her to be empowered to leave.
Just keep reminding yourself…eventually it will come.
Professional, fair enough….I agree “desperate” was a poor choice of words.
The “trauma bond” (Read Patrick Carnes’ “The Betrayal Bond”) is sometimes the reason these people (male or female) stay and it literally is a chemical reaction in the brain that bonds the person to them. (Jaycee Dugard, Elizabeth Smart, Patty Hearst, etc.) i.e. The Stockholm Syndrome.
It isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but sometimes the victims of this are made to feel ashamed. Lots of emotional stuff going on.
Getting free and staying free isn’t easy, that is for sure.
Oxy? SK? I guess that’s a big fat “no”…?
Ox;
“Needy” is a better word or even “addicted”? I was not desperate, but certainly needy.
If I was not needy, I would not have gotten into that mess. I can give a very concrete example as about 5 years or so before I met the x-spath, when I was not needy, I met somebody very similar to the x-spath. About the same look, although Gary is actually a bit more attractive overall, especially in the body, same charming personality, similar interests, maybe even more so with Gary.
More important, same red flags: smoked and drank a lot, job that required much time away, emotionally “cold.”
I never one considered anything with Gary.
BBE, some people are “needy” and SOME PEOPLE may be “desperate”—I know I got hooked into my relationship with the P-BF after my husband died because I WAS ALSO NEEDY at that time….other relationships I have been involved in with psychopaths I was neither needy or desperate, but LOYAL and STEADFAST as a parent to stick by my kid and to “rescue” him from himself. There are LOTS OF “REASONS” and excuses as well….but I think the term “desperate” is depreciating of victims in general. I also admit that I did not CUT AND RUN at the first sign of psychopathy-ness in the individual, whether it was a son, a lover, or a parent, or a business partner or a friend…I gave way too many second and third and 100th chances to these people before cutting them out of my life.
I cut and run a lot quicker now and the main thing that has changed is ME–I realize now that i can’t save them, or even help them, just SAVE MYSELF grief by CUTTING AND RUNNING!
Ox;
I think many here come from the relationship perspective; however, from a parental perspective you provide important distinction.
Louise;
“They must have known if they stuck around long enough we would figure out the true spath that they were and they didn’t want that…”
I truly believed I provided my x-spath an escape from his issues around being HIV+. Certainly the health issues I talked about could have been interpreted as me being HIV+ myself, particularly since I was not pressuring he for sex due to my illness(es).
When I told him about my HIV+ scare, he said very little. The next day, he dumped me.
In subsequent emails and discussions, he did not ask about HIV test results. He did however, talk about my Shingles, which to be honest, at that point was of little concern while I awaited the HIV test results.
Louise;
He aslo told me in the “just be friends” email that “he could understand why I would not want to talk to him anymore…”
I think he was referring to things I did not know at the time. Not that he understands he is a sociopath, but there are things about him beyond even the HIV that he is hiding.
BBE, I also have the RELATION-SHIT perspective…I got involved with a first class psychopath about 8 months after my late husband died. I was extremely needy at that time, felt old, fat, undesirable and guess who came along….a P of course! Swept me off my feet! I finally realized after 8 months that he was cheating would always cheat, had always cheated on every woman he had any relationship with…kicked him to the curb. But it hurt….so yea, I’ve seen and been involved with MORE THAN ONE KIND OF PSYCHOPATH. I think I’ve about covered the beach with the different kinds, my P sperm donor, my P offspring and my BF, as well as a business partner, and a boss, and a Couple of employees and several friends. I WAS a MAGNET FOR THEM I THINK.
I had the boss/employer sociopaths and met the x-spath thru somebody who is a Narcissist and may also be a sociopath.
But what I meant to say is that the relationship with a child or other family member sociopath is different from the others, in a way the word “desperate” or “needy” cannot be applied.
Regarding an employer sociopath, my experience is that the dynamic is somewhat similar to that of a romantic relationship.
For example, I saw some red flags but “needed” the job as it would be a great career step. Little did I realize.
But I had closure there, legal closure.