I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
“…but I was more concerned about how she spoke of his daughter as she approached puberty…”
My x-spath had only one sibling, an older sister with two teennage sons. He was not close with his sister and tbh, when he spoke about his nephews I distinctly remember something in the *way* he talked about them that had me concerned. Nothing overt, more body language.
As the holidays approached, it seemed odd to me that he had no concrete plans to visit his sister, her and her children being his only family. Most have traditions and I always spend Thanksgiving with mother’s family and Christmas with my father’s family.
As I learned more about the the x-spath, I could not help the thought that maybe there was a reason why him and his sister were not close. Maybe she did not want him around him around.
“… Passive-aggressive IS AGGRESSIVE…”
Ox;
There is also the “covert aggressive”:
“These individuals are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil façade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality.
They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have usually amassed an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that have enabled them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them.”
@behind_blue_eyes
“There is also the “covert aggressive”:
“These individuals are not openly aggressive in their interpersonal style. In fact, they do their best to keep their aggressive intentions and behaviors carefully masked. They can often appear quite charming and amiable, but underneath their civil façade they are just as ruthless as any other aggressive personality.”
Excellent point!!! I hadn’t heard this term before – but it’s one I needed to see. These types have been my biggest weakness – I couldn’t “see” them until recently (after having been bitten, of course).
I think “covert aggressive” is a much better description for many women (particularly the players in the “helping” professions who undermine their clients with their “help”) than “passive aggressive”.
It helps to have a more accurate label. Thank you for posting that.
Annie,
My spath is currently in a social services helping position within our county government.
He has HURT a lot of them with wrongful information, even though I know he knows his job well.
Even there, he sabotages others on purpose. His boss is aware of it. Thank GOD!
BBE
They are devious, underhanded, and subtle in the ways they abuse and exploit others. They have usually amassed an arsenal of interpersonal maneuvers and tactics that have enabled them to effectively manipulate and control those in relationships with them.”
Perfect. Absolutely perfect. And that is EXACTLY what my spath is. I think they are one of THE most dangerous too because they mask so well. It takes great intelligence to see through their machinations.
Brilliant post.
Star,
You’re quite the brilliant mind. My spath would not ALLOW me to take pics of him, although I did get a few. I didn’t know it at the time, but close to the time he revealed to his wife about us (knowing he was about to be exposed by me to his wife as I’d had enough), a neighbor knew of our affair and was taking pictures of us kissing prior to his departures from my apartment. He began parking his car on the other side of the complex to avoid detection.
I think he figured out that it wasn’t working. I never asked for the pics.
But I should have
Pics don’t lie. I think he knew that. Lots of drama huh?
I put in an email to Donna for your addy and hen’s too.
YOu have a lot of interestinng stories about your spath, Star.
You’re pretty amazing.
Roses
Star,
So did he ever get the divorce? What happened when you confronted?
Roses,
I don’t know if my exspath ever got the divorce. Once I turned him in, he had a no-contact order so he couldn’t contact me. I doubt he got divorced. I heard after the fact that his wife had once divorced him because he was a pathological liar and then remarried him. The army told me this. They suspected she remarried him so they could both get set up financially by the army. They think she was in on it. They have a young child together.
The funny thing is, I didn’t take pictures of him to burn him with the pictures. We took pictures to post on the reptile site cause they love pictures there. We took pictures of us with my snakes, of us at the reptile show, and even a visit to the cat shelter. It was just the luck of the draw that those pictures came back to bite him in the ass. poor dumb sociopath. I have no idea what happened to him. He’s probably in prison where he can get all the action he wants.
He tried to come back to the reptile site about a year or two ago, but my friends there all drove him off.
And yeah, I never had so much drama in my life as when I was dating him. His life had so much drama that it actually felt strange to me to be a part of it. I told myself at the time that this is what it’s like to be human and to love someone. That you just share in their life dramas.
Star,
But not that much drama.
We ALL have an element of drama. I think that’s unavoidable, really….but it’s the AMOUNT…..paying bills, the stressors of life in the economy we are dealt, kids, pets and vet bills….taking care of responsibilities, or not being able too………..those are “dramas” that are unavoidable……..
I think the key is one that ox has. AVOID THE DRAMA THAT IS AVOIDABLE and it’s sure as hell that a spath will bring more than his fair share and yours too, MAGNIFIED!!!
I’m not use to the “peace” I have now. I’m addicted to drama, so now every little life drama that is unavoidable is a major drama and trauma……..partly created by me………when it doesn’t have to be………..
Peace is something I have to strive for and work on.
It’s hard work too, because I’m not use to it.
When I think of the times of the past, it’s ALL filled with drama, some self induced, others by circumstances, others and mainly, by spath………..
Which of those were unavoidable and which are not?
Flower