I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Bodhi,
I guess not.
Superkid
My spath called me last week. I think it was Thursday. I actually talked to him on the phone for an hour. I’m not sure why I did that. I’m trying to think about it and make sense of it.
I felt really terrible for a few days. Abused, even by the conversation. I’m feeling a little better today.
He said one thing that stuck out in particular – he mentioned that he “just doesn’t find people very interesting”.
He said he missed me, thought of me every day, I could hear the wistfulness in his voice.
He’s such a strange man. He keeps to himself, lives in the basement, has no friends, huge anxiety issues, doesn’t find people interesting, is afraid of being humiliated and so he only wears grey, black or white, he lies indiscriminately, is testosterone overload and he’s super self-critical.
He also started jacking off during our conversation.
Bleh. I’m saddened by exposure to him, and unhappy with myself that I’ve allowed this to happen.
SK
BBE:
I missed your post a few days ago here. Just ran across it.
He told me he had a DUI!! As a matter of fact, get this. The very FIRST time I ever sat down and talked to him at work, some of the very first words out of his mouth were, “So you heard I got in trouble?” I said no. Then he proceeded to tell me he had gotten a DUI five months prior and he was more than twice the legal limit so it was pretty bad. He was only allowed to drive to and from work and had to go to all these classes. That lasted for for about eight months and then he got his full license back, but here’s another thing. He had told me that when he got his license back, he knew he would not be able to drink and drive again because if he was caught again he would go to jail and if he went to jail he would lose his job. What did he do??? He was out drinking and driving immediately! Of course, is anyone surprised?? But this is what he did…he LEARNED how to work around it. He doesn’t speed while drinking now and he will only drive earlier in the evening. It’s a well known fact that cops are out for the drunk drivers after midnight as the statistics are that all the drunks are out then. Anyway, he’s very smart…he will always figure out a way to beat the system.
SK:
Oh, no…you broke NC again. I know, it’s soooo hard to not talk to them, I totally understand. If mine contacted me, I know I also would have an overwhelming desire to respond, BUT…looked what happened when you did???? He only started masturbating!!! That’s what mine would do when he texted me. We are only used. I can only imagine who mine is using now that I don’t hear from him. PLEASE do NOT talk to him next time. You know what it will be. I love you and don’t want to see you hurt like this. Please know I am not yelling at you. Now you have to heal all over again. I am glad you told us though. It’s better than keeping it to yourself. Hugs to you!
Okay, Ox, get out the frying pan!!! 🙂
I almost broke NC this morning myself!
Something ‘triggered’ within me when I watched that little bit of the Jaycee interview and suddenly this well of hatred spewed up from within me and almost overtook me!
I had to shut the interview off. I could so relate to what she was saying and what she was feeling! OMG! I just wanted to break NC and tell him: “I MEANT EVERY WORD I HAVE SAID TO YOU AND STILL DO! I MEAN WHAT I SAY!” — But I didn’t. I said it all already once. Once is quite enough. Period.
I am a MESS this morning because I broke one of my rules:
DO NOT WATCH THOSE HORRID THINGS ON TELEVISION!!!!
I couldn’t sleep all night. I kept waiting for the plunk of the lighted propane tank in my hallway as I slept. I awoke with dreams of “IT’s” being here, touching me.
It is controlling my mind even though we are apart and I am wrestling with that demon. IT IS GOING TO STOP. I cannot wake up one more day within this hell. I am trapped in it this morning and need to find my way out of it.
Nobody will ever come to know what this hell was like for me because I have never completely explained it all. Only the parts I have been able to.
Right: SK; I so completely understand you but Louise is 100% correct. It just sets us back. Look at us: we come through all this grieving, for what? For a few moments pleasure? Hmm? The pain is so overwhelming, I know. But we can do this. We MUST do this to heal ourselves. It is never going to be any different than what it was. That is it.
I have NOT responded to mine ONCE in the 2-1/2 months of NC. “IT” has tried to communicate with ME, in the way of ‘threats’ against me, should I do anything ‘legal’ to “IT”, which only makes it even MORE bleak for “IT”.
I will NEVER speak another word or vowel to “IT”. Not as long as I shall live although I may want to or would like to. It is never going to happen. I told “IT” that when I slammed the door in ITS face…and I meant it. “IT” will NEVER look into my eyes or hear my voice or feel my touch, EVER AGAIN. Period.
THAT is my justification. Because “I” know “IT” is obsessed with me. Yes; NOT BEING THERE IS MY JUSTIFICATION. Please hear me….once they realize this, it will stop. You can’t make them realize it, they must eventually realize it by themselves.
We can’t help them no matter how much we love them.
They are lost souls and they are going by the wayside because they are toxic to our souls and very beings. That isn’t being mean to protect ourselves. It’s being what is meant to be: US taking care of ourselves so we don’t fall prey to such predators.
I have began NC five times since November and all of them were a washout. THIS TIME I ABSOLUTELY MEAN IT and it takes strength and stamina to NOT fall into that emotional pit but we can do this. I must. I simply must, in order to break those bonds.
You are in my thoughts and prayers…all of you…
DUPED
OKAY, YOU EARNED IT, AND YOU DESERVE IT AND YOU’RE GETTING IT!
BOINK!!!!!
“Now go ye and sin no more!” Every time you break NC it will hurt….
DUPED:
I’m glad you did NOT break NC. Thinking about it is one thing, doing it is another. Keep strong!!!!
I haven’t done it. I have been sitting here sobbing since I woke up this morning, after having watched that interview last night.
I woke up with such overwhelming hate in my blood.
It’s like it’s burning through my veins. 🙂
Ow! thanks Ox, I needed that. xxoo
DUPED
DUPED:
So sorry that interview triggered you. It made me very upset, too…I cried, but Jaycee is such a huge inspiration to me…the good won out on that one!!!
Jaycee is a very beautiful innocent woman whose life was overtaken by a very sick person. I could so completely relate to her in every single way. I could only watch just a little bit of it and once I realized that I could understand her, it only made my resolution stronger because “IT” was something similar.
Yes, Jaycee is a shining light to all of us, no doubt.
They SAY the ‘good’ always wins out over the ‘evil’ but when you languish in the hell that we all have been languishing in, it’s difficult to cling to that faith and that belief, sometimes.
Some of the things that Jaycee said, I so completely relate to.
Our ‘scenarios’ were different but we were BOTH held hostage through our minds. And, in a lot of ways, still are. I stand up and applaud Jaycee for taking this step in her recovery. It isn’t easy ‘coming out’.
Thanks you guys for your hugs this morning.
I don’t know how this day is going to go for me.
I can’t seem to see through the tears to write anymore.
I am going to go away from all of this and see if I can’t find myself in some peace and meditation.
Thank you all so much.
Love and hugs to you all….
DUPED