I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
SK just keep in mind that because he is seeing a therapist doesn’t mean he is “fixable”—and he may even be lying about that!
The point of this is to KEEP YOU SAFE AND SANE, and the only way you can do this is to stay away from people who are not functional and healthy…and he apparently is neither functional nor healthy.
I think the point of the call was to hear your voice to “get off” while he was on the phone with you…a free phone sex call. YUK!
Thanks Everyone. Reading the other posts about the sexual perversions with these people is just making me ill. I feel disgusting that I ever gave myself to someone like this. Toward the end I was repulsed by him and I felt grossed out when he would touch me. I closed off to him but he would continue to force himself on me, rip my arms away from my chest… I can’t talk about it. It makes me feel disgusting. I started to think I was a lesbian or a person who hated sex.
Dear, Dear, Maverick:
Welcome to LF. You have found the right place. 🙂
Ox is right: learn as much as you can as it will cushion you and help guide you into the light again.
All these doubts you have about yourself you were MADE to think. Reject them, get in touch with who you are and realize that YOU ARE YOUR CHILDREN’S FUTURE. YOU: all by yourself. In order to keep them healthy, YOU must be healthy. xxoo
I am sorry that you have come through such a horrible time.
If I could take some of your pain and make it my own, I would share the load with you. I can’t do that but I CAN tell you that I completely understand and relate to you. You have limitless support here and understanding like you will find no place else because we have all been through the same thing.
My thoughts, heart and blessings will be with you maverick on your journey. May it be short and full of light and inspiration.
*HUGS*
DUPED
Maverick;
Learning of my x-spath’s taste for graphic porn depicting sadomasochistic and unsafe sex turned me off to sex for nearly a year, not only due to its nature but because he seemed so much the “guy next door” and to me quite asexual.
Made me think if he could be like that, anyone could be.
Hi, Maverick, I was really touched by your messages. I could imagine your pain. When I finally got out of the situation I was in, I laid on the floor of an empty studio apartment in a fetal position for most of a week. I was empty, in shock and depleted of the energy to do much but draw breath. But laying there, thinking the only thread I really had to life was God, I knew that each second, minute and hour were going to bring me closer to what I needed to find – myself. And it did! Three years later, I’m almost all the way back!
Did I think it would take three years? I wanted to die. I couldn’t imagine how I could live another three minutes or hours. It got so bad at times that I would lay down, cry my eyes out and imagine that I was on the sand at the ocean with waves of pain washing over me. I can still remember those times now as the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. What I realize now is that I had been encompassed by the worst sort of human leech there is.
Find a way to allow yourself to FEEL everything as it comes. You need empathy and validation for what you have been through. I believe the most important person that comes from is ourselves. Not many people in your life will understand for the length of time you will need to recover. I have found LF to be a haven for me. It’s here at the tips of my fingers, friends who know exactly what I’ve been through without having to say a word. It took me almost three years to be able to start talking about what happened.
Many wonderful people will be listening for you as you begin this incredibly hard, incredibly amazing journey back to your self. I thank God every day for LF.
Maverick12,
Welcome to LF. You were married to someone who is psychologically impaired, warped, his disorder negatively affecting him and those he chooses to have “relationships” with. All his crazy-making behavior wore you down, that is true, but you are free of him, so that is a POSITIVE (for you). You have plenty of time to rebuild your life. I didn’t know that I was married to a sociopath until I was at the end of my rope, being an emotional wreck – I knew that my husband was a liar and a lawbreaker, my search (via the internet) causing me to find out about sociopaths – bingo, the description of the disorder described my husband. I sat on the diagnosis for a while, watching, waiting, and questioning (whether the diagnosis truly applied to him), my real-life experiences repeatedly confirming to me that my husband was indeed what I suspected – a bona-fide sociopath, being an unsettling realization. Unfortunately, sociopaths exist in our world – as I’ve reviewed my life, I have come to the conclusion that I’ve encountered quite a few of them, from childhood on up into adulthood – I’ve also met a victim or two, but did not know (at the time) that these friends, relatives, strangers, acquaintances, etc. were victims of sociopaths.
SuperKid –
I hope you’re on and see this – I don’t know where else to post it.
PLEASE don’t beat yourself up about breaking the NC –
but at the same, please take it as a lesson the next time he tries to call you. Have you blocked him yet?
If you want – you can email Donna and ask for my email address, then if you do get the “hankering” or if you do break down, you have someone you can contact right away about it.
It sounds to me like our relationshits were pretty close to the same and I would also like to someone to talk to when my XS decides to butt into my life –
Take Care!
Maverick –
Welcome to LF – although sorry you went through the horrific things you did, but glad you have found yourself a safe place to be! I’ve only recently joined in here as well – but like Oxy says – read as many of the articles as you can to gain knowledge to help you and your kids recover and be healthy.
Blessings!
Oooooh, she was really mad!
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-wife-cuts-off-penis-garbage-disposal,0,2758761.story
Backintothenight
Thank you for your post. I’m really not beating myself up too much about breaking NC.
While Oxy says don’t figure out what he is, just accept he’s toxic, and I know at the surface she is right, I didn’t read 100 books in the last year (I kid you not) about psychology, including the entire manual about personality disorders, because I am not deeply curious. Is it psychosis? Schitzophrenia? Anyway. In a way it is a pointless exercise.
I will email donna. Thank you for reaching out. I am going out of town for 2 weeks with little access to email, but will be back end of the month. I hope to connect with you. Thank you for eaching out.
superkid
Superkid;
A huge problem with sociopathic relationships is that they give you so much to think about and it is a pointless exercise, but one that is difficult to stop, especially if the spath has “redeeming” qualities, even if due to mirroring.