I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Sky – Nervous tic? Tick? lol
Educated;
To show you how twisted they can be, consider this. To me, my x-spath with “proper and reserved” and not the type of person to jump into bed with just anyone. Online, in a profile he lists his hobbies as “boys, beers and fooling around.”
However, online he uses pictures in which he appears much younger than in reality. Thus, I saw the real physical person who was lying about his personality and online, he is honest about his personality but lies bout his appearance…
say that again?
BBE –
I thought my ex-spath was gay (very distinctive signs and I questioned him heavily about it the first week I met him).
I don’t even know where to begin – your description was perfect with 180 degrees. Mine lied about his very existence (and continues to do so). He pretends to be (read the opposite for all/not true)…incredibly wealthy (debt/applied for credit under false identity); educated with PhD (bachelor degree only); single, never married, no kids (divorced, pretended his kids were niece/nephew from fake dead brother); well-traveled (steals other ppls photos to prove); an amazing photographer (see before); Brazilian and lived there til 13 until he went to college in US on his own (born in America – lived whole life), lived 17 years in England (see before – fakes an accent, writes with British spelling, uses British words); 3 siblings (none – in fact his “sister” was an ex/might have been together while we were first together); parents in Brazil (nope – dad in trailer park on ‘meals on wheels’ and mom in home he was raised – in CA); owned expensive things/homes/cars (rented Aston Martin, Audis, flat in London for 2 months since we went there 2 months in a row); could go on and on…. I confirmed all these were lies. LOL. Deeply disturbed much???
Seriously, I am thinking of writing a book… if I mapped all the lies (and trust me there are so so so many more) and the things he said…it’s quite humorous now in retrospect. I escaped. Feel bad for his GF.
Wow – read Chelsea’s post on prior page. Perfect!
Hi Bodhi: Thanks so much for sharing your calmness. At this point in my life it really does help me a lot and I thank you for that.
I have had a horrid week. I don’t really understand it.
I have sobbed for the majority of the past five years and I was doing really great for a long time now and then I made the mistake of watching that Jaycee Dugard interview and well, it kind of overwhelmed me. I have had two SOBBING DAYS since I watched it that day.
I have been in NC since 1MAY; I broke up with “IT” the day before his divorce was final. We both kind of belted him at the same time. I am sorry for him but I am not going to present myself to him trying to kill me and mind control me in horrid, horrid, horrid ways…and then remain in contact.
We don’t live in the same city or area so that makes it a lot easier. However, he has threatened my life a few times prior to and after trying to purposely kill me, excusing himself by saying: “I am a high risk person and I don’t know why I do these things.” Whatever. Change yourself.
I am not here to argue or try to even understand his illness. What I AM here for is to find the answers and to get myself healthy again. This has been a horrendous experience for me all because I gave someone my love and affections. I never really truly believed that such a person could exist until I saw it for myself.
Nobody will know what it is like when your supposed best friend tells you, in private: “Yes, I did try to hurt you on purpose; didn’t I? You should remember that. I am not a nice man.”
I should have listened to him. Instead I kept on believing in the good person I was seeing and I so believed he truly loved me, but then he loved his wife too; yet, I heard others’ names as well and then the more I came to know “IT” the more I wanted that ugly nightmare away from me.
IT was like a demon. Ranted and raved, constantly; there was no social graces about him whatsoever unless he wanted something from you, then the sugar and spice was poured right on. He knew how to ‘work’ his illness and was very upfront and forthright about it.
The threatenings were very cold blooded and chilling.
“IT” turned rabid almost within a short amount of time.
“IT” blames ME for everything bad that has happened to it, in IT’s LIFETIME. Believe it; it’s true; yet it is completely obsessed with me. I can ‘feel’ the connection sometimes very strong even though far apart. I know that sounds very strange but it’s like a mind connection of some sort.
Someone told me that THAT is the way hostages feel when they have been held captive for a long time. I guess what I saw in Jaycee Dugard, I saw a lot of in myself.
My older children always chide me: “Mom, why do you always pick the one’s with the broken wings?” 🙂
Yah, right…I am trying really hard to fix my own broken wings right at the moment….I think I am entitled; hmm?
I don’t understand how someone could so instantly change and become someone so completely different. It is chilling. The last farewell I said, I told “IT” that I didn’t know it or recognize it anymore…and I didn’t and I don’t.
I just want it away from me like a pack of slithering spiders crawling all over me in a dark basement….ew! and bluck!
I don’t understand WHY I feel the way I do.
I just don’t feel ‘here’, in the ‘now’.
I feel like my life force has been drained and I am fighting to get it back…so desperately. LOTS of MEDITATION. LOTS of healthy foods. LOTS of rest and recovery since heart attack and yet, I am so far away from the end of my journey with this yet.
*BLESSINGS and PEACE to you my friend Bodhi*
Thank you for your presence.
DUPED
DUPED:
I got to thinking about some things that happened to me before.
Do you or does anyone else have any answers as to why the spaths act like they are interested in you even when they do not have an ulterior motive? By that I mean they are not trying to get sex out of you, etc. I just don’t get that. I am thinking about a time when my X spath would be at the bar and would keep turning all the way around to look at me and I really wasn’t paying any attention to him and then would strategically seat himself so that he could watch me. But then he wouldn’t talk to me or try to contact me, etc. Nothing. Why do that?? Why act like you are so interested and then nothing. I remember he did this the last time I had seen him and it doesn’t make any sense to me.
Motive: Manipulating someone = power and control. Both are strong motivations for sociopaths
Yah, all those little stares; winks; emotional things…all of it, is only done with an alterior motive. ALWAYS. It’s all a grand stage show. An act. Just to get what they want. Yes, educatedprofessional: it’s all about the manipulation and the control. As you said: ‘both are strong motivations for sociopaths”. HA: It’s like their LIFE FORCE You mean.
They are like black holes: sucking in souls.
(((Louise))) Stay strong…
I refuse any more B.S. in my life at this point.
I am FINISHED with this roadshow of “IT”.
But “IT” doesn’t care that it just lost it’s best friend.
It doesn’t. In fact, it wanted a way to get away because I MEAN WHAT I SAY and for a change “IT” finds it difficult to live with THAT! Too bad; isn’t it? I ALMOST DIED and there is no remorse. Not one drop. And, that’s fine because I DONT NEED “IT” nor it’s FAKE REMORSE.
I just want it to stay away now. It has been banished. Period.
Now, if I can re-work the “ME” that is inside, I will be just fine.
EMDR tomorrow! YAY! I always find some relief after an EMDR session. 🙂
Thanks you guys for your support. xxoo
DUPEDSTER
Big Thanks to everyone who responded. I don’t feel as alone as I did yesterday. My friends do not understand why I “just can’t get over him” and I always remind them it’s been 2 months and I feel like someone I knew and loved has died. The person walking around in his skin…is an imposter.
As I read through the posts I see, yet again, similarities. The rushing through the relationship. Proposal after only 4 months (of which I did not even know was coming). Forcing his kids into my life. Telling me he couldn’t afford to see me if he spent the night at his own house. (due to gas money) The constant stare into my eyes..(which I thought was weird..but dimissed it). All the the things he said to me…like he had a vineyard…was working on creating a winery…and when I saw his place..it was 4 rows of vines and the worst wine ever tasted.
More over…what I found disturbing was his admission of participating in the “swinging” lifestyle after his divorce. He said he went wild because he had been married through his twenty’s and thirties..and went to a very DARK place in his mind. Not wanting to judge someone when they go through the pain of a divorce..I held my judgement but continued to ask questions…. He had many tattoo’s in areas the public wouldn’t see and when I asked him about that..he said he just wanted them.
Later after we broke up, I found out it was a swinger thing..cultural thing etc. His brother told me he was a sexual deviant. (I wanted to throw-up)
I am supposed to see a lawyer tomorrow to discuss an injunction against him. I am still on the fence…and to be honest..just want him to forget he knew me….is it possible for a spath to just leave someone alone? He already has many women in his snare again…..
My heart is broken and I want to move on…not sure if the injunction will force him to steer clear or perpetuate the situation.
Also…how many of you after reading the blogs…started to question whether or not you were in a relationship with a spath? I read them and say YES YES YES…then I start to rethink..and wonder if maybe I am wrong… (am I the one who’s crazy?)