I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Oh Chel: you are playing right into IT’s hands and you need to stop that for your own sanity and peace of mind. Just NC it. Period. Stand up for yourself and let it be known that YOU are not going to tolerate NO MORE LYING DECEIT and ROADSHOWS from anyone!
NO: you are not the one who is crazy…I learned this word, yesterday: gaslighting….remember it.
MY ex sp KNOWS I will put it in jail in a heartbeat if he ever gives me the chance. I have lots of reasons, let’s say, and YES: he is right: I WILL.
I don’t play into the game no more. I do not participate. I am so not participating, I will carry on the legal battle at my demise. THAT is how “over” it I want it to be and THAT is what it deserves! It will be served after I am gone. THAT is what it deserves: to remember that it was ME who left “IT” in a spot, when all was finally said and done. And, I mean every word.
I KNEW there was something wrong with it. I had been searching for explanations prior to finding Donna & LF.
I never think “I” am the ‘crazy’ one because I know I am not.
Perhaps I AM CRAZY after what it had done to me…but, that’s alright: it left me here to die by myself, in essence, a long time ago….it was only USING ME for what it could get and there was no “love” about it.
Well, let “IT” be right where it’s at: in a relationship with another OW (probably the 8th that I know of) who is devouring “IT” alive. Trust me, it is. That’s good; they deserve one another. I hope they DEVOUR one another and the way it’s turning out:
yes, that is exactly what is happening.
Isn’t it funny, how if you sit back and watch, long enough, they eventually get their ‘just rewards’. “IT’ told me, when I saw it last, and implemented NC, “IT” is having nightmares …. awwww…kind of like the nightmares “I” had as it was spinning it’s webs around me? Kind of like THOSE? Kind of like the ‘nightmares’ “I” had when I realized in the midst of the fantasy, IT PURPOSELY TRIED TO KILL ME and HARM ME!!!!
no, no, no: this is not going to continue.
I will die an old spinster first. That simple.
THEY WANT YOU TO THINK YOU ARE CRAZY so they can:
A) manipulate you some more and use you some more and
B) slip out the backdoor to their next victim
They NEVER want to be the ‘wrong person’ and yes, they will purposely try making you think you are crazy to rid themselves of the responsibility of what they have done to you.
No. No more lies; no more deceptions. My life is worth more than that. And YOU should be feeling the same way, Chel…
Sexual deviance is part of their M.O. Sexual addiction; they are that way for the adrenalin rush of the ‘chase’ and ‘surrender’ and once they have that, they are finished with you, unless they see another opening to use you some more.
Welcome to LF and thanks for sharing. You aren’t alone and I know the alienation too well. That was part of the plan. We are used up ‘appliances’ that have been tossed in the trash, but…
WHO IS REALLY IN THE TRASH??? Hmmm?
In the end, they are the ultimate losers, no matter what we do to them and what we don’t do to them.
Dupedster
DUPED:
Good morning! I hope you are feeling well this morning.
I just don’t understand the stares and watching and all that if they don’t act on it; if they don’t SEEM to have a motive. They just never make sense to me. I know I need to be glad that he is not in my life. I am feeling better, but I know a part of me will never be the same and that makes me sad. But then again, I did learn a lesson I needed to learn so I need to not be sad and be glad! That lesson was to not automatically trust everyone. I need to embrace that and move on.
DUPED:
Well, I have finally and completely came to the realization that IT is finished with me. It’s funny that he was still toying with me until I sent him the letter and that ended it. I knew that would end it and that’s why I did it. I needed to stop the toying for my own sanity. I think I “outed” him so much in the letter…asked him so many questions that it scared him off. He wants all fun and games, he doesn’t want someone questioning him and I know it didn’t make him feel bad at all…he’s an spath…they don’t care about anything except what benefits them.
Educated;
My was actually honest about his education, job and family history. It was his emotional, relationship and sexual history about which he was dishonest.
Keep in mind this was a gay relationship so my issue was not finding out that he is gay. Rather, my issue was finding out that he was not the “reserved and sorted” guy he pretended to be.
Interestingly, I was honest about such things. As I told him, no reasonably attractive gay male in his 30s is not going to have some sort of sexual past. Therefore, he did not need all the drama and lies.
Things are different in the gay world. I am not necessarily proud to say this, but he is the only person I ever dated more than a couple of times I did not have sex with. If he was not attracted to me, then why is he continually going on dates with me?
What this manipulative charade did was made me think I found somebody unique: a gay man actually looking for a relationship and willing to take time to learn about somebody before jumping into bed with him. Thus my complete shock when I found all this to be a lie.
You are new here and there is more and I have a strong suspicion he was also hiding that he is HIV+.
Duped,
ok..so I’m not crazy..got that..and you are saying the sexual deviancy is the MO for x-spath.
Alienation? Is that what happened when I told him, “I need to think about continuing to be in a relationship with you”…he flipped out..started screaming and hollering..threatening etc… and then I never heard from him again other than through his twin brother’s interactions..ex-wife and friends?
He didn’t contact me again..except when he found out his twin brother was talking to me. He told his twin..She’s crazy..uses men..begged him to live with me..begged him to drive my merecedes (both of them)..he even stole when of my sets of car keys…I lie…stalked him and he’s afraid for his life..said I hated my mother and father (they are both deceased)…. etc. …then….I got a certified letter from him in which I refused. NC NC NC…. is that alienation?
Still not sure if I should do the injuction…to keep him and third parties associated with him…away from me. Thoughts?
Behind Blue Eyes:
I did the same thing. I did not have an intimate relationship with spath until I was sure we were committed to each other. We casually dated for 3 months. I told him..not interested in ruining our friendship with sex. Plus he had told me, “I am a good time guy…women fall in love with me all the time…” So I just thought of him as a man I would go do fun things with..a friend only.
Then he invited me for Thanksgiving Dinner with his family. I thought it was a “friend” thing. However, afterwards…I realized he had presented me as his girlfriend. I had no clue. I even asked him about it and he said…”I didn’t tell you because if I did..you would of said NO to the invite”. I told him he was right.
Instead of getting mad….I thought…this guy wants a serious relationship with me..not based on sex…not based on anything other than he really likes me for me.
Up to that moment…I didn’t pay for anything..didn’t feel like he was hiding anything…in fact, he was TOO honest with me about his past and exceptionally painful moments.
I thought..and on some level still believe he was trying to change his ways…trying to be THAT GUY for me…and felt incredibly lucky to have found “a soft place to land”.. my best friend…life long partner…
I was stupid…stupid…stupid….
Chel: if you have any reason whatsoever to believe or suspect that “IT” and all of “IT’s” associated roadshow is putting you in any further emotional/psychological and/or physical harm, definitely report it to the authorities.
If you have ’cause’ to sustain a case of injunction against “IT”, and you don’t think it will CEASE bothering you, by all means, use every legal avenue available to you. Don’t do it just because you want to ‘twist the knife’, though. That will blow up in your face and only promulgate further assaninity from “IT”.
Nobody can tell you to do it or not. YOU must sift through all of the truths that you know are real and make that decision for yourself. I don’t have a legal injunction because X is so transient: living in and out of his car; picking up women on the internet, wooing them for whatever he can. I am not kidding!
BUT: the local authorities ARE aware of “IT” and the situation and because I live in such a ‘tight knit’ community, I am always looked over. There is absolutely NO WAY he could get close to me UNLESS I WERE TO ALLOW IT and that isn’t happening anymore.
Hope this helps. I am sorry for you and all the gas lighting I see he has done to you. “IT” was my best friend too. They play on our sympathies, Chel….I know it’s hard to grasp, it was for me, too, at first: I wanted so much to believe in that ‘dream’ but it was all a big fat lie. From beginning to end.
I am trying to throw it all in the garbage, right where it belongs.
I KNOW I deserve better and if this monster THINKS it is going to devour me: WRONG. “IT” will be devoured.
*BLESSINGS & GOOD WISHES TO YOU CHEL*
Dupedster
Only WE can make these life decisions for ourselves, based on our own unique set of circumstances. For me, the choice was easy…”IT” made it easy when “IT” tried to kill me.
Good morning LF Friends,
I have been reading blogs about Spath having tics, and it made me flash back to memories of my ex-spath. He would always twindle his fingers together while moving his lips as if he is talking to someone. It was weird, his ex-wife and I would sit at their daughter’s soccer game together and we would both laugh when he would be standing there twindling his fingers and moving his mouth. His ex-wife commented to me that she thinks he is trying to figure out his next move, or trying to remember his lies. She said he was always doing that when they were married. I even questioned him why he always does that and he responded ” What are you talking about I am just thinking to myself”, yah what are you thinking how you are going to screw the next prey?
Whenever I would tell him it was not working out with us he would respond ” Why would you give up on us, yah sure you will find someone else and enjoy the honeymoon stage and then you have to deal with all their bullsh*t and problems”, that we already know what our problems are and if I loved him I would not give up”. Then when it was real bad he would say ” Whatever then give up no problem I have been through this before and I will find someone who does appreciates me and close this chapter and never look back”. He said ” There is nothing you can say to me that will hurt me”, I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks”. Ummm….now I understand why because he is a SPATH! His ex-wife said that is exactually what he would say to her too.
(((louise))) Yah, I took full advantage of my final opportunity ‘at it’. That was the day I implemented NC on my behalf. Still holding true too. Just remember when you take a stand like that, they will remove themselves from your life to HURT YOU. And that is what “IT” is getting RIGHT NOW; right, louise? Fight that back, Dearheart….forget “IT” as easily as “IT” is forgetting you.
Tit for tat, imagine that. While it is very difficult ‘getting over it’, I know…five years of this crap is quite long enough…if you just keep staying TRUE TO YOU, you will come out alright.
Don’t let “IT” have your thoughts. Our thoughts inspire our actions and how we perceive and relate to the world. We deserve better than a leftover half eaten sandwich, louise. 😉
Love to you, Dear…
*HUGS*
Dupedster
Chelsea: good morning!
Your x has tics like mine did too.
Always pacing; ranting; could not keep it together for five minutes. Then I realized that all the OW aren’t seeing and experiencing this manic torture, why am I? Why have “I” been put on the bottom rung after everything I have been through with “THIS THING”?
They are master manipulators, right along with their nervous tics.
Mine was so bad, I couldn’t stand being around him 5 minutes towards the end because it was nothing but pure torture and evilness spewing from that mouth.
It said, when I refused the “BIG PROPOSAL”: “what am I suppose to do, just wander from woman to woman? nobody really wants me, I mean, look at me…nobody wants to put up with me, the way I am and I don’t know how to change this late in my life.” Whatever. Don’t even make an effort. Right?
It’s easier phishing on the internet and mooching off women than standing up and being a human being and living life right.
Whatever. All of it: lies and excuses. I am better off without the deceit and the lies and the chaos and drama in my life. Especially NOW after acquiring a fatal heart condition. I am trying very hard to not become bitter over the fact that I wasted five years of my life on this piece of garbage.
Five years I am never going to ever get back. Just wasted; thrown in the garbage.
Well, I have news for “IT”: IT IS IN THE GARBAGE NOW.
Get that spark inside….stand up and empower yourselves.
That is the ONLY way to survive this. Our kindnesses certainly have not served us well in our situations.
Love ~ Dupedster