I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Star.
head up, Chica.
You’re fabulous. BELIEVE it 🙂
Oh My God, I’m so sorry, but hens, I am dying with laughter. I cant stop laughing, really. My stomach is in a knot. Like yesterday…
Rince and repeat… I can feel your every word… You are so good at being sarcastic and serious all at once and it is killing me. And then you have this “hum drum” thing going on, on top of it. You add spice to this place!
Hope all is well with everyone, tonight!
Eden
Eden
hens does.
SO um, Hens………..
HOw good are you at make up tips? And you think I”m kidding……..
You are so sweet, Roses/flower. Thanks for all the positive energy flowing my way.
I have a very low tolerance for drama. If friends of mine start discussing drama and gossip “he said, she said”, I tune out. I become much more engaged when people start talking about feelings or what they are learning or how they are growing / or not growing. When the sociopath’s drama with the army and his “ex” wife came up and started interfering with our relationship, I backed off. I told him to get his life straightened out before we started dating. Problem was I couldn’t get my mind off him. I was already hooked. During that time period, he called me several times a week and left me voice mails telling me he was in love with me. (This later became exhibit A to the army when he DENIED that we ever had a romantic relationship – stupid dumbass! Shouldn’ta left the messages…..)
Star,
The positive energy that I can give to you, is the positive energy that FLOWS from YOU….
You don’t need a dumbass sociopath to define who you are.
we all got hooked. Perhaps there is a vulnerability for you here to discover… to grow and learn from….
You have a beautiful mind and spirit and you share it all with us.
He’s a dumbass. Always will be.
From my positive energy about you from me to you, take it and GROW from it!!
Growing and learning IS drama……….but in a positive way. You see?
The drama that spaths create keep us stuck in a different drama, one of pain and confusion………….
I do know, Star. I’m there too.
But keep your head up.
Your positive life energy reinforces my growth here.
I FEEL that. Something a spath is unable to do.
Beauty comes from within.
I see it all here. I just wish that all of those here could see half of what I see in the beauty that they are 🙂
Flower
Flower, there is a song the goes something like…”They tell me it’s a beautiful world, but I don’t feel it right now….”
I just don’t feel it right now.
And I’m long over the spath. It’s all these other failed love affairs that concern me.
Hugs,
Star
Star…..
We love you.
Now start having a love affair with YOURSELF…….
Love yourself. You’re worth the effort 🙂
Interesting discussion going on here. What struck a chord with me was that P’s tending to initiate/wanting to do things when it was “inconvenient” for you. ( Like you said TrueToSelf, “The other thing he often did was to initiate sex when it was impossible to do, like I was going to be late for work or another appointment. “) Or withholding… all the same thing… isn’t it just perverted that they get a kick out of that?
Making big plans and then cancelling them last minute or acting as if they’d never made them at all… the end result is this : you become upset. They ENJOY hurting you. Same with everything else…
dancing,
So true, even after the relationshit is long over……….
I’m not sure I believe they don’t get that there are long term repercussions to those they have hurt. They just don’t care.
I do understand about the big plans too. happened to me many times………..often it would be about big plans that he would carry through with wife, and did with me………but I backed out because I knew I was being set up emotionally….for a big fall…….
If I allowed myself to feel anything about his “plans or invites” I knew I would be wounded. retrospectively, I’m glad I didn’t go.
I would have been ten times more hurt than I am now.
Apparently, my ex S was really GOOD! He kept up the love talk the entire duration of our courtship and throughout 8 years of marriage even though he cheated on me nearly on a daily basis the entire time. I had NO clue. I just saw a post from his wife (the woman he suddenly announced that he was leaving me to be with) on Facebook. She talked about having a bad day…that her hubby (my ex) had to have 3 fillings and his regular dental cleaning and that she had to spend $300 for a new pump for their spring…the source of water for their home. Well, I just happen to know that he has to have dental cleanings every 6 months and he just had one 6 months ago. He uses the dentist that I have used for years and encouraged him to start seeing himself. The dentist is also a personal friend. There’s no way that he could have developed the need for 3 fillings within 6 months! Every tooth in his head is filled. She was at work when he made the 100 mile trip to the dentist. He won’t work, wouldn’t when he was with me, either. My guess is that his need for 3 fillings was his way of spending more of her money on another woman and how would SHE know if he replaced the pump for the spring? Been there….done that! The charade is never ending…just glad I’m not the one still dealing with it.