I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
I would say that my x-spath does have a sexual addiction but evidence suggests it is limited to online and he may not act out so much in person, or not as much in person as he is rapidly losing his “boyish” looks and from a pure physical perspective, does not have any other strong features.
Chelsea,
I’m not sure how old this daughter is–she loves her father no matter what kind of a jerk he is to others.
It is a mistake I think to put a kid on the spot to make them admit that their parent (or other loved one) is a psychopath, especially at an early age (before late adolescence at the earliest) and may backfire with the child “defending” the bad parent.
I would just say to her, “I love you, but your dad and I are not together now, and I know that you love him. The problems your dad and I had are NOT YOUR FAULT, and you are not part of them at all.”
If she said to you “steal back the things she stole from me” my response would be “I didn’t steal anything from him.”
Over all I would try to just reassure her that you love HER, that you are not going to let problems with you and her father influence the feelings you have for her, but that it probably isn’t productive for you to discuss it with her at this time….but assure her if when she is grown she wants to know, you will tell her.
I would also reassure her that it is okay for her to like/love daddy’s new squeeze and that it doesn’t take away from your and her relationship.
Poor kid. Does she live with daddy? Why with him if he is gone most of the time and not with mother?
DUPED:
I think the hardest thing for me right now is to accept that he doesn’t want me. That really hurts. I don’t know why I would want someone like that to want me anyway, but I do. Sometimes the longer NC goes the harder it gets. In some ways, it gets easier and in some ways it gets harder because it makes me realize that once and for all he doesn’t want me. He never did, but he said he did.
Louise;
They never wanted any of us, except in the capacity to use. In some ways, our lingering attachment to them is their worst form of abuse.
BBE:
Yep, that is all I basically was…a blow up doll. It’s sad. I can’t wait until I can be COMPLETELY over it.
I was a sofa in Manhattan for him to pass out on, just as he says on one of his profiles.
Someone once told me… I say what I mean and mean what I say….
I was involved with words..not actions. If I had really taken into account his actions…I believe I would of walked away sooner rather than later.
Notably, I can only respond to what I know is true.
If I am being lied to I do not not anything else until I find out otherwise. Once I do know the truth it is up to me to make the decision…Stay or Go.
Depriving me of the truth is like trying to CONTROL me.
He tried to control me by telling me 1/2 truths and isolating me from his twin brother and sister inlaw. He didn’t want them to tell me “his story”. In fact he lied about them as if his actions were his twin brothers. It’s really creepy now that I think about it… he was SHIFTING the blame then too.
go figure.
Chelsea,
It’s a tough situation you are in with your x-path’s daughter. I did not have the same length of time with my x-path’s daughters but I did feel a sense of responsibility towards them.
In the end, I offered my support to his ex-wife…of course this was after she spilled the beans on his past, their relationship, his illnes, explosiveness and poor parenting skills.
As much as I felt like they were the victims as well…I decided to graciously back out of their lives and allow the primary parents to deal with their situation…an outside party sometimes clouds the sky and creates more confusion than what is necessary for under developed minds to handle. Plus it keeps you tied to the xpath in a way that can only hurt you in the end.
NC rule…is worth looking into as a way of self preservation.
I miss his girls and feel terrible about their situation, however, I must take care of myself first in case there ever is a time I run into them again…I will be sane (hopefully) and able to answer questions honestly.
In the last 24 hours…I have come to the following conclusions:
1. NC is best for me
2. Do not concern myself with what he is doing..who he is doing..what he is saying etc.
3. His slander is a reflection of his character
4. Those who believe him..well…I don’t want them in my life either.
5. I am not the only one he has done this to and will not be the last.
6. There is hope knowing I am not alone in my pain
7. The best revenge is doing well.
8. Crying..although comforting…should be only to rinse out my soul from his poison. I will not cry for him or over him. He’s not worth the energy.
9. I will not let him rent space in my head or heart.
10. I will learn from this and be better.
Louise,
It’s not that they don’t want us…. they don’t want anyone..not even themselves.
I remember wanting to hear from him…something…anything..an acknowledgment I was alive..
and when I got it…
I became physically ill…
why would I want to be in a relationship where just seeing his name on a letter made me want to throw up…and use the restroom at the same time?
My body was trying to tell me…NO NO NO NO.
I refused the letter..although hard to do….
NO NO NO NO.
Game OVER.
BE GONE.
Dear Chel,
Some good points….and most of the time you are right about backing away from ANYONE who is connected to him (relative or friend) sometimes there can (depending on the age of the child and how long and how close the relationshiip is) be RARE exceptions.
1-10 is great!