I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
BBE,
I have a different take on what your spath was doing to you. I hope that you don’t take offense to my analyzing it.
Spaths have the uncanny ability to read us. What they want to do is shatter our self-image and our self-esteem. That’s all they want from us. In the meantime, they will take everything else you have, as an incidental, just to show that they can. But the main point, is to size you up and destroy everything you ever believed about your world and yourself.
In your case, I can see that you have been very successful in the sexual conquest department. You’ve never been turned down for sex – until him. That was the plan BBE. It’s not that he didn’t want sex with you, he really doesn’t care about sex, it’s just another tool he uses to manipulate. In your case, he was able to manipulate you BEST by NOT having sex with you. It left you confused. Then, when you later find out that he is a complete whore, it’s even more confusing. You’ve been turned down by a whore, there MUST be something terribly wrong with you! That was his way of demeaning you, he wanted to make you doubt your desirability because he saw how much confidence you had in it. You asked him back to your apartment on your first date and he turned you down. You’ve never had that happen before and it has made you fixate on him since then because you don’t understand.
Well BBE, understand this. YOU ARE ANTHROPOMORPHISING HIM. He is incapable of having human motivations. Consider him as you would the devil. He saw you. He envied your self-esteem and he saw that it was connected to your desirablity. He determined to convince you that you are actually undesirable. And when you got sick, he left you to prove to you that one day, you would die alone with no one to care about you, because you are undesirable.
When I first met the man who explained narcissism to me, I asked him, “Why did he choose me? What did he want from me?”
Greg answered, “he wanted something you had.”
I never understood that answer but recently, I’ve figured it out. He wanted to take away my self-esteem. He saw that I had several boyfriends, lots of admirers, people at work loved me, a family that appeared to be supportive of me. It was all surface stuff, but that’s all the spaths understand anyway. He determined to take it away. It took him a long time because God kept giving me more and more. But in the end, he managed to take a big chunk of my reality and smash it. Oh well, my reality wasn’t all that real anyway.
I am having yet another AHA moment. “why did he choose me?”
He wanted something I had…. Peace of mind, confidence, no drama, no chaos, quiet, love, peace of mind, hobbies, goals, laughter, friends……and on and on and on….
I was free to live as I pleased. He wasn’t and still isn’t.
He came into my life…Moved in to my house…and created chaos, drama, noise, anger, sadness, frustration…..blah blah blah.
Now he’s gone. My life has gone back to the way it was…quiet, no drama, no chaos, love, light, peace…happiness…and freedom.
So I lost a little time and my dignity..some self respect… those things I can get back…breath in and breath out…
(smiling) he is…in his own chaos, his own drama, his own noise, frustruation, sadness, anger. A life going no-where fast. (still smiling)
I bless him on his path.
Chel – you’ve certainly gained a lot of knowledge/understanding in a short space of time. It’s taken me 9 months to get this far and I’m still having those ‘aha’ moments.
Mine told me he was a lorry driver – just found out that he wasn’t. How’s that for a whopper? And believe me when I say the lies flowed from his tongue like a running tap.
Chel,
whatever you hold most dear. That’s what he wanted from you. Not because he necessarily wants that for himself, none of them WANT to live drama-free. He just didn’t like that look of satisfaction on your face. It’s all about removing that look off your face.
Skylar;
With two minor corrections, you are spot on. First, it was our third date when I asked him back. Two, although I guess I have done well, I am actually somewhat shy I probably don’t have the “success” man think I do.
But yes, on the outside I give the impression of being very self confident and in certain ways I am. I am just very shy until I get comfortable.
Thinking about what you said there was one thing I know I have that he was jealous of because he told me so: I look very young for my age (then 38). When I met him, he was surprise to learn I was older than him. He even said “how do you do it? You don’t have a single line on your face…” When I told him a new friend thought I was 28 or 29, the x-spath told me “I wish I could still pass for my 20s…”
Since online he uses pictures that make him look like he is mid-20s when he is really mid-30s, this is clearly an issue with him. Not that he is unattractive, he is just not a “boy” anymore. He was jealous I looked younger than him.
You are so right. By withholding sex, he was merely controlling me. He would never be comfortable with me.
Chel:
Thanks for your post. I will use your 10 conclusions. It will help me a lot.
@....... OX & Chel,
Thank you for your support. OX, his daughter is 13 teen, and I have been in her life since she was 7 years old. I have probably spent more time with her then her father the past 5 1/2 years. When I spoke to her about what her dad says about me I NEVER mention he was a spath. In fact, its not worth even trying to explain it to most people because they don’t understand. His step-mother whom he has always said terrible things about is one of my biggest influences who supported, and pushed me to get away from him. She does not even want to hear his name that’s how disgusted she is about him. But she is married to his father so she tries to keep the peace. Anyways, it is VERY hard not to be there for his daughter. I feel like I am being like him (evil) if I don’t protect her atleast by being there for her. She (his daughter) is such a sweet young lady who has such a big heart. I guess I feel empathy for her that she is left to suffer future pain. I always tried to protect her from her father’s abuse especially when he would degrade her mother> I always told him to STOP talking about her mother that way, and of course he then would attack me. Sadly, his daughter would start to cry when her father would attack me an she would tell him to “Stop yelling at her daddy”, and he would tell her to “shut your mouth little girl”. I feel her pain and it sickens me that I cannot do anything to protect her anymore. I guess I feel if I just continue to love her atleast she will know I care about her. What can I do? Funny thing is, she used to worry about me when I was with him and now she is worried for the new one. Not because he is hurting her (YET), but she feels sorry for the new girl cause she is going through a divorce and is vulnerable. I wonder is her worry about the girl or what her father will eventually do to her?? In his custody hearing with his ex-wife the court ordered counseling for his daughter and he disagreed, but then went into court and told the judge he fully supports it, and that is would pay for it. Of course the judge thought he was an amazing man to welcome counseling for his daughter. Its been almost 4 months since he was supposed to put her in counseling and now he says to his ex-wife “oh she does not need it, and he can’t afford to pay for it”. He makes $170,000.00 a year and he can’t pay for it? His ex-wife is tired of fighting him so she just let it go. Horrible for his daughter because she really needs counseling. Furthermore, his new prey quit her job which I know he convinced her too so guess who is paying for her to survive the SPATH, but he can’t pay for his daughter’s counseling. SICK!
Chelsea,
I wouldn’t detach from the girl. It sounds like you love one another, and have a long shared history.
what i think you can work on is detaching from the outcome of the spath/ new prey paradigm. i know it is upsetting; it must remind be like seeing your own past. i would find that triggering.
i think that oxy’s advice about not talking to her about her dad, but leaving an opening is really good. she hasn’t made up her own mind about him yet. she wants a normal loving father, and i think she may feel protective of her hope of that and hence, of him.
you can help her detach also – the child sounds like prime ‘supply’. makes my heart hurt for you both. let her know by your counsel and you actions that neither of you can protect this other woman – and that it is not child’s work to attempt to. it is the mess and concern of adults – and that no one can really help in the situation -the new prey has to figure it out for herself.
my best wishes are with you.
one joy
candy…
I’ve been in therapy since January..off and on..that’s when he threw me to the ground and I called the police. He left and then called to tell me he was going to kill himself if I stopped seeing him. He said he had been off his meds and had bottomed out. I headed for therapy….he got on meds…and no therapy. His parents even got involved…telling me what a good man he and how he has never had these problems before.
I believed.
7 months later….with the most intense therapy over the last two months…twice a week for 6 weeks..and once a week for two weeks….shakey…but more steady…I prayed for help because the pain was unbearable.
My friends don’t want to hear it and can’t understand what I went through..why I stayed…how crazy I felt..the games etc. Nobody gets it …. and I just kept feeling out of sorts..even with therapy. My therapist told me to read about sociopaths..psychopaths. I laughed at her… and then googled it…found this website…..
Suddenly it all fits. My story…what I went through…the pain in black and white…. told by others as they were right there with me the whole time.
All the things I’ve been doing over the last 7 months in therapy…suddenly fell into place over the last 24 hours…by sharing parts of my story with all of you…I am hopeful…don’t feel crazy…
I know I will have good days and bad days…however, I have found support on this website to encourage me…and tell me I am not alone…my pain is real…I am not crazy…I will be okay…even if it takes one minute to the next.
Much love to all…….I had to sit still and pray for help….an there you all were!
BTW- he knew my mother killed herself 20 plus years ago…and he used my pain over her death to suck me back into the relationship out of fear he would hurt himself. The next time he threatened…I walked away…one month later it was over…and to be honest…I am relieved. Yesterday..I was still devastated…Today…I feel a sense of relief for the very first time… My breakup with him was and will always be a blessing.