I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
chel1221;
((((hugs)))). So glad your prayer was answered and you are here. LF has been my lifeline,touchstone and safe heaven. I have been here everyday, including every holiday for 4 years. Even though I did not post, I felt the support of everyone who comes here for the same reason I did. My thoughts were fragmented and I could not compose a complete sentence. I read everything posted by everyone. Although my circumtances are the same, my life has changed forever. I am not crazy..just a little kookie maybe. I can live with that.
Dear Chel,
Congr4atulations, or as we say here TOWANDA!!!!! (from the movie Fried Green tomatoes, it is our war-cry!)
You will have your ups and downs, so if you take a down turn in a day or two don’t let it surprise you or make you think you are crazy, because it is like a roller coaster ride, sweetie! Up and down but you will GET TO THE PLACE OF HEALING so hang on for the ride~!
Glad you are away from him, and don’t let his threats to off himself scare you, if he offs himself it is NOT your fault, it is only his way to manipulate you by USING YOUR MOTHER’S DEATH AGAINST YOU—-how HORRIBLE A PERSON WOULD DO THAT? He is a psychopath! Get and stay away from him. You are NOT crazy. (((hugs)))) and my prayers.
BBE – I hear you. Again, just be happy that you’re out. I am! 🙂
In general –
I think this site is great for those trying to understand what happens in the minds of sociopaths. I’m mostly on here to give advice to others who are still struggling. It took me 2 solid months to really figure it all out and this site certainly helped. But once we move on, it’s best not to give them the energy. The person we knew didn’t exist, period. They didn’t deserve us in the first place and aren’t affected by our thoughts. I understand it takes a LOT to get to that place and not minimizing it on any level. Just offering some other perspective.
It’s funny – I was approached by someone that writes for a major magazine to possibly look at an article on my experience with one of the other women’s publications (Marie Claire, Glamour, Allure). I’m not sure how I feel about the exposure it would generate – even if they changed the names. Driving awareness is certainly important; however, I really need to consider my safety in this idea.
What are your thoughts?
educatedprofessional:
Go for it!!! I would definitely do it if I could! Especially if they changed the names.
Shalom and Ox Drover,
(saying to myself) NC NC NC.
Yes his antics about killing himself is definitely a sign of someone who (spath or not) is not mentally sound. So glad he is out of my life…having said that…I have decided not to pursue the injunction right now. I don’t want to stir it up…and he hasn’t sent another certified letter, called or anything….Hoping he will just go away.
I am trying to stay in MY CENTER…not too happy..not too sad… one foot in front of the other. Weird thing…driving home a different route today and who did I see driving the other direction? x-spath. First time I have seen him since we broke up.(remember..he is telling everyone I am stalking him and he fears for his life. LOL).
I tensed up thinking he will call..or maybe he went by my house to drop off the car keys he took…however…nothing happened…nothing left for me. Thank you GOD! NC NC NC
Okay with it all. Still feel sad..like I’ve been through a death.
Hugs to everyone…and hope you are all having a NC GREAT DAY!
Educated;
Early on, I was very guarded with my stories in the highly unlikely event that my x-spath ever stumbled across this site. I was also very guarded to protect the memory of him that is good, and humbleness that while he is certainly toxic, without fully knowing his whole story, the was a part of my unable to label him toxic.
But more important, being very public with your story means that you have let go of the past and perhaps that is something I was not able to do. However, as time moved on, I provided more and more details, such that if my x-spath ever came here, he would certainly recognize our story. One reason for this is that as I learned more, I became more and more certain of his dark nature.
Now, I am at the point where I feel to get the closure I never had with him, I need to sit down with somebody who understands sociopath and tell my story with all its bizarre little details, include showing somebody his various online profiles as I came across them and explaining the emotional effect on me.
Would I like this to me made public? I am not sure, even if “sanitized.” But maybe doing so would make going back in any fashion impossible, which is what we all really need.
Behind blue eyes;
Do you think you need more validation that he is who you have come to realize he is?
I only ask…because I sometimes have to stop my “reflections” on the good stuff…and remind myself…it was all a lie….and there are NO redeeming qualities.
I have also found myself wanting to call his twin brother and asking him to “tell me the story again”..”remind me why I am supposed to run….tell me the truth…one more time…so I know I didn’t make it up or misunderstand”. It’s almost like I need someone to WITNESS and let me know…”it is what it is”.
There are times I don’t want to believe the horrible things I know about him now… sure there were signs….but the bulk of the information..lies etc..came out after we broke up…his behavior afterwards..just confirmed it…and I never had the opportunity to talk to him about it….
I use to pray.. God, let me see what I need to see…Let me hear what I need to hear…help me make a decision about this relationship.
Then I would get a phone call…his twin brother…
one day later..another phone call..his exwife…
then a few days later…another phone call… then another..then another…etc.
2 months later..
I know what I need to know about the person I was with… even if only a quarter of it is true…the quarter..is too much.
Friends have said…I am very lucky to have found out what I did before it went further…that I was protected…and surrounded by white light…it could of been worse…
Maybe it might be good for you to see it as a blessing…and not try to understand who and what he is….You were saved my friend…a thousand angels held you in their arms..and said..NO MORE…and gave you the answers you needed to make a choice.
BBE –
Nicely put. That’s just the thing: I’m not sure I want to bother to revisit it all and tell it in completion. I have moved past it all and doing so would require me to really think about it.
I come back here because I know what a valuable resource this site was for my recovery – and how much all of you sharing your experience drove it all home for me. I definitely feel nothing toward him – maybe disdain for the real person – but certainly no longing or positive thoughts about the person he presented. That person doesn’t exist.
Chel;
First, I agree that I am lucky to have found out about him as I would have been humiliated to have learned what I learned while still being in contact with him. I think the only validation I need is that I want him to know I know about him, especially the HIV thing, not that it would make any difference to him, but to me.
Chel, you are on your way. It DOES get easier. NC is a MUST.