I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Oxy:
Thank you!! I AM learning!! And I feel good!
Dupedster:
I love that term “Airlift” from sistersister!!! It describes what I have been trying to do for over a year now…just go someplace else with my thoughts…do anything and everything to just forget about him…airlift…I love it!! I’ve been flying a lot lately…haha!
sistersister:
Thanks for the airlift terminology!!! It puts a definition to what I have been doing for over a year!
I had an incident last night with a friend that was a bit disturbing. Tonight I am going to see Paul McCartney and tbh, I have mixed emotions given that the x-spath is from Liverpool, in fact he went to the same school as John Lennon. This person knows of the x-spath but I really did not talk much about the experience except while it was happening, one reason being that this particular friend his not the very supportive type.
When I mentioned my mixed emotions, my friend was very dismissive. He was also dismissive of my talking with him about my current trials and tribulations with my business, which is stock trading, which has been particularly stressful this last month as I gain and loose thousands in a day.
I think the stress of the market caused me a relapse in thinking about the x-spath. There is a big social void in my life right now and I do not have a big support network. Thus, I think about the “what ifs” because I don’t have other outlets.
But this one friend’s lack of support was hurtful, even if I realize he is a very difficult person. I should have been smart enough not to talk to him, particularly about the x-spath.
Oh Blue, you sound sad and mixed up. You were triggered by the fact that your new guy knows of your spath. From what you say the new guy does not sound too supportive. Sometimes a void is better than filling that void with someone.
You’ve been hurt. Stop, re-evaluate and do not blame yourself.
Once you have had time to think your head will tell you what to do next.
Good luck.
BBE:
Ahhh, dear, can I relate. I get triggered by anything at all that is Brit related…the BBC, the Dyson vacuum commercial, British bands, just hearing someone with an English accent…it goes on and on. Sounds silly, but anyone here can relate on how very small things can trigger us. When I say trigger, I don’t necessarily always mean going crazy triggers, but even enough just to make me think about him again. So I very much relate to you about going to see Sir Paul. Remember, mine is from Liverpool also. Sigh.
Anyway, I totally understand about friends who act like that. I have them, too. Sounds like your friend was not only dismissive about the X spath, but also about current events in your life. I would drop him…seriously. You just don’t need it in your life. I am doing this bit by bit as I move through life now. When things like that happen, I assess the relationship and ask myself how much it means to me and if it’s worth keeping. Most of the time the answer is NO.
I also experience that where when some other things go wrong in my life, I think about X spath again. This sounds weird, but it’s almost like I dismiss what just happened and focus on the X spath instead…almost like I am using the memories of the X spath to escape the current drama…does that make sense and does that happen to anyone else? I am beginning to think I am really damaged.
Hang in there…sorry this happened, but take stock and make some decisions about your friend.
Enjoy the concert tonight!! x
BBE,
You talk about this “difficult friend”—-first off I would like to ask you what your DEFINITION OF “FRIEND” IS….
MY definition of “friend” is someone that REALLY CARES about you, and is involved deeply in your life.
It is not just someone you “hang out” with….that is an “acquaintance” but a true friend is one with whom you CAN discuss your deepest emotions with. They may NOT “understand” it all but they are SUPPORTIVE.
An “acquaintance” is someone with whom you discuss music, literature, and various hobbies and mutual interests, but you wouldn’t expect them to get out of bed at 2 a.m. to come rescue you on the freeway when you’ve had a flat tire and don’t have a spare.
A friend would loan you money if you got into a tight through no real fault of your own if they could do so without bankrupting themselves…but they would expect you to pay it back, and you would pay it back. An acquaintance is not someone you would discuss your intimate personal issues with, but you would with a friend.
A friend is someone you can tell that you got VD, and know they will not blab it over at the office….but an acquaintance is not someone you would trust with such information.
A friend will chew your arse when you need it, but keep on loving you anyway.
A stressful job, especially one in which there is a lot riding on the line each day, can indeed “trigger us”—
Wanting and needing both acquaintances as well as friends, needing human contact, is normal…but ask yourself what you want from a “friend” and then seek to find and make the kind of “friends” and “acquaintances” that MEET THOSE NEEDS.
Louise;
Thanks for validating my feelings. When I ordered the tickets months ago, there was no issue for me.
Now, after s very, very stressful month and in particular the last two weeks, I find myself thinking about the x-spath. And yes, I think to some degree we use this past drama to escape the current drama.
But I do intend to enjoy the concert and I look forward to next week. I have some other positive events to attend (lectures) with socializing after.
And the reason for all the drama was my own fault as I moved away from my conservative business model into a more risky one. Yesterday, I liquidated volatile (at a loss) to end that craziness and I am back to my original business model, confident I can make back the losses in a couple of weeks.
Ox;
Thanks. This particular friend is “special needs” (mild Aspergers) so I should not be too hard on myself.
BBE,
Making adjustments for “special needs” for various friends is a good thing, if not taken to extremes…for example….my best friend for 30 + years and I had a parting of the ways in January. I had “made adjustments” for years when she was depressed, but over the past couple or three years she has been very “snarky” due to her deepening depression due to her husband’s retirement. He was gone most of their last 30 years of marriage, working away from home…now he has retired and it is apparent that he is a very verbally abusive drunk. She is TRAPPED in this marriage emotionally and financially, and is not going to confront it…so her depression and her DESPERATION deepen each day. I’ve seen that coming over the last few years, but in January when I visited their house at their invitation, I realized I am not willing to make more adjustments for her bad behavior. I’m done. It’s over. She isn’t a psychopath, but the friendship just isn’t working any more. It is not meeting my needs and probably not hers either. The relationship itself, in the past, met both our needs, but now it doesn’t do so any longer.
It is just like your business model—when it no longer works, change it to something else.