I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Ox;
Interesting comment about your friend as I am in a similar situation with a friend of 20 years. He is bipolar and over the years has been hospitalized many times. When manic, he is impossible to talk with, but I have always been supportive. Recently, he has become very depressed and I tried very much to help but he is often toxic, so I am keeping my distance.
Interestingly, these two are why I tried at first to remain friends with the x-spath, as compared to them he *seemed* supportive and mature.
BBE, Keep in mind that many times people who are bi-polar are ALSO very dysfunctional…and/or psychopathic as well.
We have to DEFINE what we want and will accept in a “friend” and what we will NOT accept. I have made that definition very SOLID now and raised the bar very high. Years ago I would have continued to tolerate the bad behavior in my long time friend, as I had in the past…the thing is it had A) gotten more frequent and B) gotten worse and I finally realized that I HAD BEEN TOLERATING a lot of carp in order to maintain the rest of the friendship…but a couple of years ago I had confronted that behavior in her and SET BOUNDARIES with it….she had respected those boundaries and there had been NO MORE episodes of the “outbursts”—-but when this time came, and I again confronted it, she did not stop, but in fact, said to me (as if excusing it) “that’s what best friends are for, we fight and then make up” and I said “NO, that is NOT what best friends are for, Best friends do NOT TREAT EACH OTHER THAT WAY.” Those were the last words I spoke to her as my train left that day, and I have not heard from her since then. Don’t expect to after 7 months either.
We have to define and then measure our “friends” and “acquaintances” by those standards definitions and see what we are expecting and what we will accept. I no longer accept people striking out verbally or physically at me, and I no longer accept responsibility for the happiness of my friends. I treat them as well as I expect them to treat me, but accept nothing less either.
This is a quirky story—but at the same time it is one that makes us here at LF realize that WAY too many women (especially women, but probably men too) go back to the abuser. I think the stats are about 85%.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2015533/Groom-arrested-outside-wedding-bride-restraining-order-him.html
Hello All.
I have decided to pursue the injunction. I got another certified letter from x-spath today…and he was in my neck of the woods yesterday.
I didn’t think much about it..until I met with the attorneys and although still very torn about whether to do it or not…after I got another certified letter today..I have decided to move forward.
The injunction puts into place a NC for 15 days or he will go to jail. He can’t even contact me through a 3rd party. Our court date for injunction hearing is set for Aug 3 or 4. At that point we go in front of judge and he decides whether or not I can have an indefinite injunction…NC forever or go to jail.
Earlier I was sad and anxious…torn between just wanting him to go away and ..making him go away. I prayed for direction…BOOM… I get another certified letter notice…of which I refused (2 in last 2 weeks).
I am nervous but the attorney says I have two documented domestic violence reports on books. I should get the temp injunction fairly easy..and the final judgement should be the same.
Chel – Yahoooo. Well done you. In my opinion they do not ‘just go away’ we have to MAKE them. I had to involve the police, I felt really bad but that was the only way I finally got him to go away and STAY away.
Candy,
crying earlier…and laughing now….thanks for your support….first hurdle is the temp injunction…the next is the final judgement….
I don’t know why I am nervous…
Chel – keep smiling. Be cautious. An injunction is just a piece of paper (you cannot use it as a weapon if he turns up at your door). Keep your doors locked, do not go out alone, keep keys and phone WITH you. Be VERY CAUTIOUS. This is a very dangerous time for you because you are cutting off his supply (you) and he will do anything to get you back under his control.
Candy…this is where I need some help.
He has not called me directly…other than when he called and threatened me because I wouldn’t have dinner with him and reconsider getting back together. Since then…he’s been talking to other people who are calling me and telling me what he is saying…then he sent me two certified letters…drove by my house…
hmmm.. I guess he is trying to control me..never thought of it like that….just like he was trying to control his brother and sister in law by telling them not to be freinds with me because I am crazy…bipolar…sending nasty pics of myself(which made me laugh)…and few other things..which were stupid and still hurtful….
hmmmm. I guess he is trying to control me…and my not accepting the letters..was like a slap in his face?????
wtf (mental gymnastics)..it’s like a freaking moving target.
Chel – Yep, he’s losing his grip on you. You are right, you have now become a target (not a victim) and a target is a damn sight harder to hit!
So he thought that he could invite you to dinner and make up (this shows their mentality)
He will tell everyone not to be friends with you so that you feel lonely and then he can step in as your’only’ friend and you will be so glad to see him (not) that you will welcome him back (puke)
You are right about the slap in the face re: the letters. You were standing up to him. Take control, put yourself in the driving seat.
Candy,
I am ashamed to admit..that when we broke up…I wanted him back…sent him a letter telling him that I loved him..and when he was ready to call me so we could talk. I feel like an idiot for doing that… do you think that letter will be used against me?