I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Here’s what I said..after I didn’t go to dinner with him..went to the police about his threats…one week later..I felt guilty, sad and lonely… blamed myself for what happened..
I hope my letter finds you in good spirits. It’s been 2 weeks since you moved out which has give me lots of time to re-evaluate us and myself. I’ve continued going to therapy and feel like I have really turned a corner. This crisis has forced me to take a good hard look at myself and my contributions to the problems in our relationship. I realize that I need to focus on my own issues at this time. I know we both have a lot to think about, and I completely support what-ever you need to do for yourself. I want you to know that I’m going to be okay and I’m taking good care of myself. I love you and I hope we can make our relationship work. When ever you’re ready to talk, let me know.
rewriting it…(copied from my journal)…now I see how sad and lost I was…. Looking back…I am glad he didn’t answer it…I might have gotten back together with him… omg.
I hope this won’t be held against me….why do I feel like one of those battered women..who can’t seem to walk away after the first time..? It took 2 incidents…3 with the threats.. 4 with the certified letters and drive by’s… what the heck is wrong with me?
Chel – the letter was sent when you thought you were dealing with a ‘normal’ person – now you know different. Many of us have broken NC more than once. Don’t beat yourself up over it. it happens. It takes T_I_M_E for us to get our heads around what we have been through.
What I see reading your letter is that you were taking all of the responsibility. Well HELL where was HE in all of this. NONE of it was your doing. You wrote ‘I hope you are in good spirits’. I had to giggle at this, as you said, in the cold light of day you can see how lost you were – and how far you have come.
You are a ‘battered woman’ you just do not realise it yet!
It’s only once we are out of the fog that we see the bigger picture.
As for the letter – there is a saying ‘the only thing there is to fear, is fear itself’. It was written, it cannot be unwritten, however it does not cancel out what HE did to You.
Dear Chel,
85% of women who are beaten go BACK to their abusers….so you are not “alone” and you are normal….but even BETTER than normal, because you ARE breaking away from him.
Do a little bit of research and get some STATISTICS that you can ccounter to use and say “yes, I was thinking about him, but 85% of the women who are abused go back to their abuser multiple times” NOW I AM WISER THAN THAT….I realize he is an abuser and will not change.
Statistics show that 75% of men who are domestic abusers and violent are sociopaths.
Do a little “googling” and get the citations for these and other statistics and then CHANT them in the court room! TOWANDA!!!!!
OX and Candy,
whew… Okay… once again…started feeling guilt..shame…and blame… and you both have brought me right back to square one… What he did is what he did..regardless.
Which is what the injunction is about…his violence against me..
Is that right? (wide eyed and nodding yes).
So when the lawyer asked for a narrative…I should just write..the incidents around the violence.? Not anything else? Like he told me he would kill himself if I left him?
Ox and Candy..sorry for my neediness..
when you say…he’s losing his grip on me….how can he have a grip when he dissappeared…dismissed me…after I said no…
Was I still in his grip when he was talking about me to others and I was hearing about it???? Again…I know we went through this before… just hard to wrap my mind around it..since he wasn’t banging on my door…calling and texting….
In fact..he was with other women within the week of the break up.
How can I be in his grip?….is it becasue he thought he could come back or make a request at any time and I would accept?
Important to note…I kept the engagement ring…not on purpose…just because he never called back…so I didn’t bother mailing it to him… just kept it.
Chel,
Sit down and start to write a “narrative” like a “diary”—-make a long story of it with lots of details. Then, let it sit over night and then go back through it and CUT IT SHORTER,….keep the MAIN POINTS but NOT a HUGE AMOUNT of details sort of like a shortened version of an “outline.”
Then leave that over night (if you have enough time) and then reread it and make it more clear…if you have time and a friend who can read it as well, that is also a good idea. Then give it to the attorney.
IT IS ALL ABOUT THE VIOLENCE AGAINST YOU!!!! (HEAD NODDING HERE!) That is the point. HE DID VIOLENCE AGAINST YOU! Baaaad boy! Go directly to jail, do not pass “go” and do not collect $200.
Dear Chel,
You are NOT NEEDY, you are normal, having a normal response to a break up with a psychopathic person who is VIOLENT….okay, and that is okay. Normal!
He has you in his “grip” mentally/emotionally not physically, and the fact that you are HERE is proof of it…because you are feeling “guilty” because of it all, blaming yourself, etc.
Yes, he left you but he did think he could get you back ANY time, you were a possession, not a person. It is all about CONTROL. His control over you.
Don’t worry about the ring—what is important is YOU. Your safety!
Candy and OX..
one more time..just need validation…
he threw me to the floor (violence)
He spit at me and screamed at me (I refused to get in his truck at first) still violence against me.
Got in his truck after he sweet talked me…and then drove 90 miles an hour down a road..I told him i was going to throw up..and he pulled over.. i jumped out… (violence)
he chest bumped me and tried to pull me into his truck (violence)
I ran into store..and waited for my ride.
It’s all violence against me…even if I didn’t get bloodied…black eyes etc… right?… I’m not making a big deal out of this..and have the right to get protection..even though he hasn’t touched me since May…but sending cert letters and driving by my house.
omg… I sound crazy.