I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Dear Duped No More:
That very mind set kept me in a miserable relationship and marriage with an Aspergers husband, for over twenty years. He did not have a mean bone in his body but he was murdering me minute at a time. It killed my spirit and almost cost me my health. Enough is enough is enough.
Undupable:
Can you feel the love. You have a very contagious vibe that is awesome. ‘Your positive spirit reminds me so very much of LF’s Erin Brock.
Duped,
regarding appreciation: it is a hallmark of the sociopath that they feel no gratitude. They might thank you or tell you they appreciate something. What they mean, is that they are glad you did it, but if you had not done it, they would resent you for not doing it. You see, you cannot be greatful for what you feel you are entitled to anyway. It is humility which allows us to see that we are not entitled to anything, not even the air we breathe. All we have are gifts which we did not earn. They were bestowed on us at birth, but we aren’t entitled to them. So the answer is, NO you can’t teach a spath gratitude, unless you give them a brain transplant.
As for masochism, you stayed while you were suffering because you thought you could help him gain a better perspective by showing him a different way to be. That is masochism. I also call it martyr syndrome and Christ Complex. I have a terrible case of it myself.
Whenever you think that perhaps you should bear someone else’s cross, because it won’t be as heavy for you, that is a form of narcissism/martyr syndrome/ Christ Complex.
The reason I have it is because, every single day, my parents forced me to give up my doll, my time, even the red cherry in the fruit cocktail, to my spath sister. I was told that I was bigger and stronger and smarter so I should suffer so that she didn’t have to. She envied EVERYTHING that I had and my parents saw this and forced me to give it to her. I even did her homework —in college. (but I wasn’t forced to do it, by then, I was already programmed so I volunteered.)
It sickens me that I’m this way. and I don’t know how to remove the programming even though I know exactly where it’s coming from.
Skylar, understanding where the programming is is the FIRST STEP to removing it, reprogramming. It can be done, and I think your AWARENESS is a great step!!!
I think many of us have had that streak of masochism in that feeling so kind, so giving (which actually gives our Brain a rush of “feel good” chemicals when we “help” someone who is “helpless” or when we “do a good deed.”) We get our reward whether we realized what it was Then or not…but now we realize that the PRICE WE HAD TO PAY for that “reward” was higher than HIGH and that it wasn’t worth it.
Don’t think that you CANNOT change, because you already HAVE CHANGED and ARE changing more each day. We are ADAPTING each day….to the changes and the new knowledge we have gained.
I also realize now too, that I am NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE FOR SAVING THE WORLD….I am not nearly as “powerful” as I thought I was back when I thought I COULD save even one other person, much less the whole world! LOL Now, I am only concerned with saving myself. That’s enough of a job. ((hugs))
Oxy,
you know, maybe your skillet is the key. If I was PUNISHED PAINFULLY AND SEVERELY each time I did something self-sacrificing, then maybe I’d eventually be reprogrammed… hmmm…. it’s a thought.
I could hook up a battery…some electrodes…a remote switch…hmmm….
SKYLAR!!!!! If you keep up like that I WILL have to BOINK you! LOL ROTFLMAO baw ha hahahahahaha Oh, come on, lighten up on the old lady, that is TOOOOO FUNNY!
hahahahaha @....... skylar…zeesh, I ain’t coming over to play with YOU!
yep if we all had an easy button life would be grand – I got the bozo button instead….if Oxys skillet was the real thing I would be flat as a pancake – I do the best I can, correct the things I can and enjoy everday as much as possible..I have FINALLY been able to turn down the volume ( so to speak ) on all the noise of my demon’s, I dont let them take up to much of my day..I guess that is why they visit me in my dreams..
I’m serious.
Hens, actually, I think you have made wonderful progress since you came on here…I think we both have! Gosh, I know I was crazeeee and I strongly suspect you were! But even back then your good heart showed through the crazeeness.
Why we have 1 or 2 parents who are so abusive without compassion and we turn out to be able to have compassion I don’t know, I guess like you said, we get the “Bozo” button and our compassion leaves us vulnerable to abuse from the next P strolling by unless we learn the lesson first….well, we got the TEST and we learned the lesson AFTERWARD but that’s okay, cause we GOT IT after all! (((Hugs))))
hens: oh my goodness…too funny 🙂
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hens says:
yep if we all had an easy button life would be grand ”“ I got the bozo button instead”.if Oxys skillet was the real thing I would be flat as a pancake ”“ I do the best I can, correct the things I can and enjoy everday as much as possible..I have FINALLY been able to turn down the volume ( so to speak ) on all the noise of my demon’s, I dont let them take up to much of my day..I guess that is why they visit me in my dreams..
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You don’t look like a pancake, hens. 🙂
haha: bozo button….i shudder to think what MINE would say! 🙂
I am with ya…exactly what you said: doing the best we can..etc.
YES! YAY! Turned the demon box down…that helps tremendously. Truly. I have done the same thing.
Those demons used to visit me in my sleep. They used to startle me awake, screaming and sobbing…
They haven’t bothered me in a long time now because I willed them to go away and stop it and leave me alone. My sleep is MY SLEEP and I pray to the Angel Michael, every night, before I close my eyes. My prayers have always been answered and this time is no different. xxoo
Nice to read ya, hens…
Dupedster