I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
KatyDid
Hens
I LOVED Bozo the clown when I was a little girl. I’d take Bozo over spath EVERY Time.
MoonDancer
Hi Katydid… I dont trust clown’s, they screw with your mind.
Dear Dupedster..I will have to pray to a different angel for sleep, my x’s name was M……
one/joy_step_at_a_time
hens – see my post at
July 18, 2011 at 12:38 am on clowns on the’ how do we heal, part 1 -the path’ thread
MoonDancer
well chit if I offended you I am sorry…I thot Red Skelton was sinister and scary too, but he made me laugh…
Onestep I read your comment about my dreams and you are right, my subconscience is letting go of the illusion..gnite – before I insert foot into mouth again..
one/joy_step_at_a_time
oh sweetie, you didn’t offend me – just wanted to let you know there was another take on clown. (red skelton looked spooky.)
chel1221
Hi all. So my attrn sent me the police report from January..guess what…. it’s wrong. WTF.
It says he never put his hands on me… WTF
So I called my attrny and he says..ah that’s kind of normal that they get that stuff wrong….wtf
So I wrote my narrative…WTF
I reread it 100 times…WTF
I’m supposed to take it in tomorrow so we can review..WTF
I called my friend police officer friend who said no big deal..just call the sgt and ask him to do an amendment…wtf
so I call to find out if he’s working tonight…wtf
he’s not..wtf
but he will be there wed at 6 am to call and talk to him them…wtf
REALLY?….why am I working my ass off to get this done while he sits in bfe….bottom dwelling and scratching himself while he’s torturing someone else???? WTF
I’m going to bed…but will read the narrative one more time…WTF
should I publish the narrative on this site or not?
No serenity…God why have you forsaken me?????? WTF
chel1221
again… i sound crazy.
WTF
Ox Drover
Dear Chel, you are crazeeee, but you will get over it, I promise you you will…it just takes time and effort, but this is the FIRST STEP and each one you make to get farther away from him will make the next one easier. Hang in there! Keep them feet a movin’ !!!!
Back_from_the_edge
🙂 It’s okay chel to be crazy but like Ox said, it takes effort. (not to be crazy but to make it through this).
It isn’t something we can say we are going to do and just do it. It doesn’t come that easy. It takes effort; lots of it. It takes looking at yourself and finding your inner strength.
We all here, have experienced the same things.
You are not alone. Love Fraud saved my sanity.
*BLESSINGS* to you on this journey…
Duped
chel1221
Good Afternoon LF!
I completed the narative..took it to the attorney. We went to court house…filed the paper work and now we wait to see if judge approves the temp injunction.
I had no idea…when I did the narative..that all of it would be submitted into court…and sent to him.
um… I spilled the beans on the whole sick family dynamic….his mom getting drunk every nite…his brother telling me he was sick freak of nature and to run away as fast as I can…..his ex wife telling me he was a pervert and I need to run…about all the women he uses…and exposes his girls to…. OMG. I told the truth….
I told my lawyer…they are going to find me and burn me to the ground…when they see that I exposed their family. He said..maybe that’s why you were in his life…to expose the family for what it really is…. You are sending a message to a scum bag…. I know what you are and I am going to let the world know.