I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
DUPEDSTER:
Just reading your post from two days ago where you asked if anyone ever feels like we didn’t stand by the spath long enough, didn’t help them, etc. Absolutely!! I think we have all felt like that. I still feel like that a bit even though the stupid guy is married!!! I think it’s human to feel this way especially because we are all so empathetic.
On another note…what has been the experiences of everyone on here when their X spath would get mad or jealous? What happened if you made them mad or ignored them or made them jealous? What did they do? How did they react?
My experience with x spath was that “IT” was always jealous of me or what I THOUGHT was me, in the sense that “IT” didn’t like the thought of me having ANY joy or happiness without “IT”. But, then, on the other hand, “IT” never brought much joy and happiness anyways. So that equated to me that “IT” was jealous of me, as a person. The person I am; what virtues I hold; my honesty, etc., as far as ‘jealous’ in the romantic sense, overwhelmingly so. It was threatening to harm any male in the general vacinity, like a LION protecting it’s cub. Only, in this instance: ‘one of the herd’; never mind that “IT” had a wife and only the Heavens know how many ow.
When I made “IT” mad, I would get threatened, whereas, other people married to it and even before that, people it was involved with, they have gotten the physical abuse, the actual slapping, hitting, etc., “I” got mostly mental and psychological abuse, for years. If I made it jealous or upset, “IT” would do something to ‘punish’ me. Inside my mind and thoughts. By this time, I was so completely ‘controlled’ through my thoughts, that a lot of times, I would succumb to these ‘punishments’, lacking the strength and fortitude to make sense out of what was happening here. I THOUGHT it was a sincere and genuine love and affection but it wasn’t; it was manipulation.
Cruelly punish. I called it a ‘lack of social graces’ but it’s much deeper than that. It is a ‘lack of soul, consciousness’.
“IT’s” reaction was always hateful. NO JOY was allowed.
NO feelings of affection were allowed to be expected. You take it the way it is and don’t whine. It’s all I have to offer. And on and on and on until finally I truly WAS on ‘it’s team’ and being the good little worker bee and ‘cleaner’ for all “IT’s” life problems. “IT’s” problems are not MY problems. I have my own. I was a true friend to “IT”; the likes of which “IT” will never see again, in “IT’s” lifetime and I sit good with that inside myself. It’s the truth. Not no more.
I draw the line when someone purposely tries to harm you and then laughs in your face about it. THAT is a sick person, folks.
But, to answer your question, Louise, yes; there were always consequences. Most of the punishments were emotionally and spiritually and internally. I know that sounds ‘impossible’ but trust me, I am here to witness to the fact: IT ISN’T.
*HUGS LOUISE*
Duh, duh, duh, Dupedster
Louise,
Spaths are small-minded people, always keeping a score with everyone. They use people, plain and simple. If I confronted the spath (about his latest dumb act), he would get irritated with me, sometimes punishing me (eg. he might take my cell phone, hiding it from me, denying to me that he touched it, and then miracle of miracles, I would find it at some point in time). I discovered that their gifts (to us) mean nothing to them. Some of the jewelry that the spath gave to me (over the years) have disappeared (to where, I don’t know, but I strongly suspect that he took a few pieces, mainly, necklaces). I have concluded that these gifts literally did not have any true meaning (on his end) attached to them. That is sad. Spaths literally remind you how NOT TO BE in life.
DUPEDSTER and bluejay:
Thanks for your responses! 🙂
Dear DUPED_IN_SOCAL:
I haven’t been able to access this thread for a while, but I note some distance back, your wondering about the path not taken, namely, sticking it out with this person.
Thanks for bringing that up. I realized just how hard it’s been for me to leave people behind, and why that might be.
I believe we’re put on this earth to be busy little bees of sorts, clearing out the dark corners and bringing light and love. That’s human spiritual evolution. And so we feel this strong pull toward bad situations that just need a little TLC. I don’t think it’s a sign of weakness or denial; just the opposite.
So we think, hey, if I dump just a little more love on the situation, it will improve. Maybe I’ll evolve as well. Maybe I was put here to learn just how deep my love can be. We imagine how wonderful that would feel. In fact, it happens once in a while. I wouldn’t mock it.
But with spaths, it doesn’t turn out that way. We just get pulled deeper into their nastiness.
I did this for years, probably decades, with my sister. Poor little sis, helpless little lamb, look at how seamlessly I was there at the right time and place to help. It truly felt like God was leading me, karma.
I think I still believe that. And I believe God also led me to the dead end. That was my lesson in all this.
When people say, Why can’t you help one more time? I can at least know that I helped one time too many. I heeded the call of God, of duty, and did what He asked. And then I did what He asked when that task was done. I left the scene.
I’m here to spread love SOMEWHERE ELSE NOW.
I didn’t know, for a while, what to do with all my lovely images of her. I watched some old home movies last night looking for a clip to share with someone, and I came upon the sweetest, purest minute of her fresh toddler’s face. I’ll keep it safe among my pretty things as something just as real as her degeneration into madness.
((((sistersister))))
Thank you for your response.
I had all but completely forgotten about the reinforcement that we WERE meant, sometimes, to touch a life and walk away. Sometimes it’s the walking away that brings direction to another.
Walking completely away not only provides justification but also peace and a ‘chance’ and ‘prayer’ that the other will find direction in life. I wish “IT” no harm but I do want the threat on my life justified. It is difficult wanting that justification when you have loved someone so much but those are ‘big girl’ decisions now!
Do I TRULY NOT attempt to ‘justify’ the things that have happened to me? That is a huge question for all of us, at one time or another, I think. Do we continue to ‘lay down’ and allow this degradation and disrespect to consume us or do we stand up for who we are and realize “WE” are just as important as anyone else on this earth.
We can sit and ruminate and sob and hope and pray and there is nothing that is going to come rescue us or make matters any different than what they are, EXCEPT FOR OURSELVES. That is very difficult to grasp, very difficult to do, but look at all we’ve come through thus far. 🙂 Surely one more spurt of ‘willpower’ and ‘strength’ is not above nor below us in order for us to walk this life (the remainder of it) in light and freshness.
I am choosing to take the ‘high road’ on my experience except for when it comes to legally and physically defending myself.
Well, you know sistersister, in a NORMAL relationship, when unconditional love and caring is given, it normally would be returned. Out of nothing but affection and friendship. The ‘casual friendship’ “IT” and I had always had suddenly turned rabid for no reasons on my behalf. Unsuspecting to me, completely and totally undeserved. Completely undeserved.
OUT OF PLACE UNDESERVED. We had always had a loyal, trusting, great friendship and then HELL started.
When I realized THAT was happening. And that it shouldn’t of been happening, that it was all out of whack and without reason; all of the things that were happening, one after another…as soon as I noticed it was all ‘out of whack’, things were not making sense… I decided it was time to: “step away from the spath…” You know and you can tell: like I have always said:
“If I had truly deserved everything “IT” has done or attempted to do to me, IF I HAD TRULY DESERVED THIS, I could at least sit here and say to you: “Hey, I guess I have to admit that I deserved it all…” At least I would have that justification for myself…BUT I DON’T AND NEVER HAVE. Not once.
No; “IT” was my one last time to help. I am finished.
What is left of this life is mine and I do not expect much but peace and quiet and a conscious and soul at peace. Not only do I want to DIE in peace, I want to LIVE in peace.
Yep: helped one time too many…I can relate to that.
I know all about ‘dead ends’, sistersister…like that ride at the amusement park, where it gets to spinning really, really , fast and then the floor drops out and you are only being held there by the force against the metal backings…yah, just like that. 🙂
I am NEVER going to let anyone like this close to me ever again and I am absolutely AMAZED at myself as to how I was so sucked in and used up and degraded and disrespected. It was SUPPOSE TO BE A FRIEND. I asked: “Could a person CONCEIVABLY keep up a front for 9 years?”
The answers I received were yes. Especially when the relationship itself was kept at arms length, over the internet, once in a while in person; sometimes fondness makes the heart grow fonder…oh yes…’it will be so worth the wait darling…’ OH SO WHATEVER. Liar; cheater; beater; you name it…I saw a whole lot of things on that laundry list and it all unraveled in the snap of a finger. “CLICK” and the curtain fell down and there “IT” stood in all “ITs” ugliness….
the truth.
But the ‘dream’ – – such a lovely dream it was.
That is why it seemed so ‘right’ and so ‘perfect’; so ‘once in a lifetime’ because it was written to appear that way. I was used without conscious nor regard although – before it had a chance to discard me, “I” discarded “IT”. For eternity. It isn’t ME who is going to carry around THAT bad karma; trust me.
Duped
Heard a story today from a friend about a spath she met. She dumped him after a few months after figuring out he lied about the business he claimed to own. Makes me wonder: how long did the charade last for most on here before it ended? Did you end it (because you figured it out)? Or did they become someone else after the “got” (married/moved in/had kid/whatever) you? And did something like a prenup extend it? I see the 5-7% above. But it’s the stories that make me curious.
I dumped mine after figuring it out; but he was still in phase of trying to marry me (we picked out a ridiculous ring from Cartier and venue selected). So I never got to see that “other side”
Wow: I can’t believe I wrote that up there almost a year ago now. Seems like such a long time ago….
The charade lasted at least ten years for me and my life. All total but I started suspecting things five years ago and then the bottom fell completely out. Once I pulled the mask off, things literally went to hell. The stalking and death threats came and such horrible things, I can’t even relay them all to you.
They were wonderful for five of those ten years and then turned ugly. Oh yes, dumping is the only answer and justification. At least for me it is. I mean, do you respect yourself or what? That’s the point; isn’t it?
I have been down many wonderful ‘story book paths’ with this ugly ‘being’. I still can’t believe I wrote that almost a year ago…
We were never married, although “IT” tried sucking me further into that black hole. I saw those red flags and I guess I don’t give myself enough credit for paying attention to them because if I hadn’t of, I can seriously say that I probably would have been murdered by now.
We need to give ourselves more credit than we do sometimes.
Dupey
I know. Wild. A year ago I wrote about this (and also warned his new target). Speaking of respecting oneself: that’s exactly why I left after only one major lie (I was later to learn everything was fabricated). The new target: well assume she didn’t feel such self-respect (not yet but she had many flags of her own she ignored).
Seem to be hearing more similar stories nowadays. Awareness is certainly increasing (especially thanks to this site and many books written on the topic: that sociopaths don’t have to look like killers and that social predators are living amongst us all).
Wow: stalking and death threats? Yikes! Hope you’re safe now.