I was with my sociopathic ex-husband, James Montgomery, for two and a half years. During this time, I knew he was costing me money, but he attributed his lack of business success to “being ahead of his time.” I eventually discovered that he was lying and cheating on me. But although I saw eruptions of anger, my ex was never abusive towards me—nothing like the abuse many of you have endured.
Some sociopaths can treat people reasonably well for an extended period of time, if it suits their purpose. For example, Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader:
I was not in a disastrous relationship with my S. Our relationship was less than three years, our marriage less than two, when he openly cheated and decided to leave me, then played games of false reconciliation, which in hindsight were so he could have two sex partners.
The short end of my question is… How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage, the illusion of a man you married with the horrible monster he has become in trying to create turmoil in your life and use your greatest love (your child) to hurt you?
Expressions of love
I’ll get to this reader’s question shortly. But first I want to review some of the information Lovefraud learned in last year’s survey (not the current one) about people involved with individuals who exhibited sociopathic traits. One of the objectives of that survey was to investigate whether and how often sociopaths expressed love.
We asked the question, “Did the individual you were involved with verbally express love or caring to you?”
A total of 85% of all survey respondents said yes. And, when the individuals being described were the spouses or romantic partners of the survey respondents, rather than parents, children or others, 92% of the males and 95% of the females expressed love verbally.
How often did this happen? A total of 44% of survey respondents said the sociopathic individual expressed love daily.
Complete change
The survey also asked the following: “Please provide a brief description of the way the person you were involved with expressed love. How did this change over the course of your relationship?”
Now I’ve been hearing all kinds of stories about the games sociopaths play in relationships for more than five years. Yet some of the answers to this question still made my jaw drop.
A small group of survey respondents reported a complete change of behavior the moment they were committed to the relationship—moved in, married or pregnant. This startling change was reported in reference to 7% of the females and 5% of the males. Here are some of the quotes:
Initially with dates, flowers, gifts and little thoughtfullness’s. After I married him, he said, on the Honeymoon, ‘I can stop acting now.’ I thought that he was joking. I later learned he did not do jokes.
From very loving to cold indifference…started right after we were married — The change was startling — cold, distant, indifferent, condescending, mean spirited, accusatory — self righteous, irresponsible
It changed the minute we got married. Then he owned me you see, I was nothing to him after he lured me in! All he wanted was MONEY!
In the beginning of the relationship (before marriage) he was loving, caring, could not do enough for me. Called me his soul mate, his true companion in life. This continued until the day I married him, within hours after the wedding ceremony his personality shifted. It was as if I had dated and fell in love with one person, but married someone I was completely unfamiliar with, he was a stranger to me in all ways.
Doesn’t exist
So, back to our reader’s question, “How do you reconcile the basically happy marriage with the horrible monster he has become?”
The man this reader saw during the happy part of the marriage did not exist. It was an act, a charade, a mirage that the sociopath kept going until it no longer served his purpose. The real man is the horrible monster.
Dear Bubblewrap,
Thank you so much for sharing your story of on line games. One of my sons is addicted to playing online games, I’m not sure which one it is, it isn’t a pay to play one, but is a fantasy role game of some sort and it has become the most important thing to him in the world. He gets off work, comes home and plays until bed time. He uses it to escape from REAL LIFE….it is such a waste, but he is addicted. Everything revolves around the game–the on-line life.
I’m glad that your emotional affair with this guy didn’t go any further and that you were able to retain your real life and get your “leg out of the trap” before you lost everything.
Glad that you found LF and glad you are learning about these predators. On line is a great place to meet them for sure. Again, Welcome!
Dear Annie,
You are right, he was using you to try to make his parents think he was OK, when they will never be OK—just keep on reading and learning. Our journey to healing starts out about them, but ends up about ourselves. There isn’t anything we can do to “help” them, we can only help ourselves, and that’s what we end up focusing on. Healing ourselves, making ourselves WHOLE and at PEACE. It’s a journey, not a destination, and we have to keep on working at it but each day we GROW a little more and learn a little more and that’s what life’s about anyway. Glad you are back! Keep on growing! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
Sometimes the folly of the whole debacle is too much.
The I love you’s poured forth while he was actively dating or trying to date 15 to 20 other women online.
And had no intention of being a husband. Unable to understand I am sure, his role as a man. Because he was never able to learn what that was. The models in prison are not for that.
Its most difficult in those times when I realize that its a culmination of betrayals, life long. The psychopath just fed the desire that has been starving for a very long time.
And it was like trying to survive by eating paper. Another form of starvation.
Yeah, I know the lovebomb treatment. Kept my eye off the bank account too. I’m eternally in conflict with the psyco as she entrapped me with a child, now age 3. The other night the ex tried to make up some lie to the cops about me to withhold my son from my custody (that I refuse to administer his medications when sick). So my girlfriend (normal) and I went to the ex’s house and called for police assist. While waiting in the locked car, the ex and her new (of 1 1/2 years) husband came and ‘talked’. He is still being lovebombed. What was of interest is how fully enveloped he is in her lies. She has fully sucked this poor fellow into her fabricated world view. It was incredible, except for the fact that for awhile I had been in his same shoes a few years back. It was ironic having the psycho ex’s new husband trying to tell my girfriend that I am a dangerous, heartless psychopath…and if she knew she would leave me immediately and run. Ahhh, if he could only take his own advice the poor chap!
Welcome OakieEd,
Ah yes, I BET YOU CAN relate to the state the poor sap is in! I’m sorry that your child had to witness that and also has to live with her.
If you haven’t seen Dr. Leedom’s site (linked here on the left of the page under blog rolls) “Parenting the At-Risk Child” I suggest you do, Liane is also parenting a child with her X P-partner’s DNA, though she is fortunate enough to not have to co-parent with him. There’s help and information that might be of great benefit for you there. Good luck!
Silver
Perfect. Another form of starvation……….
I think the word starvation is incredibly accurate in describing what happens when involved with a psychopath.
Flower
He would often ask me “DO you love me ?” when we went to bed at night. And of course I would answer YES – with all my heart. All the while trying to forget about HER, not knowing if there were others – not knowing if he even loved me at all.
One night he came home telling me he ran into an older gentleman in a diner – they sat at the counter together. I don’t know how they got on the subject but he said the old man told him that if he had a good woman at home, waiting for him every night – he was the luckiest man alive – it’s all you could ask for. And so I thought – wow – God is working behind the scenes to bring him back into the marriage.
Then he told me he went into a church in his old neighborhood and prayed for our marriage – WOW – Our Lord again – reeling him in. And I melted to think it was all going to be healed. I did love who I thought he was – very much so. More than I should have because I lost myself.
Between these stories were all the lies – things he DIDN’T tell me of – internet dating sites for sex, multiple other women including his own cousins wife – financial deceit – outright stealing, really – from me and our children.
Who was this man who could bring me to tears with his stories and emotions ????
He was the same guy that would WITHOLD – held back love, hugs, never kissed me, conversation, affection, attention , compliments etc. SEX ? No problem – that he wanted – often. But it was never lovemaking – never intimate – it was a performance.
For 22 years I waited for him to love me – and now the last 3 yrs of trying to get divorced he has shown how he hated me all the while .
Cold, mean, still deceitful, little financial support for the kids, nothing to help me with the mortgage he re-financed 100 % and took off with the cash. Blatently with the SKANK next door . Uses my son as a means of supply – manipulates the crap out of him so much I fear for my son’s sanity .
And he went to church to pray for our marriage ?
I think he went to pray that I wouldn’t fully catch on till his plan was completely in place.
I fear this wound will never heal .
These stories are so interesting but also so very sad….
It is still so hard for me to comprehend that this kind of evil lying deceitful person walks this planet and causes so much pain and devastation.
It’s the same story, with the same plot, it seems…the deception is enormous in each and every case.
I know they appeal to our vulnerabilties. I get that. But the way they get to them is just absolutely calculating and evil to the core. It’s like they get INTO your spirit and then suck it out.
There is a Harry Potter movie ( I think it’s the second one), where a spirit shows up on a train that Harry is one and tries to suck out his soul. The facial expression once the spirit is gone, is EXACTLY the expression of the victim. Lifeless and frightened out of their wits. That is EXACTLY what a psychopath does.
Flower
Swallow ” we can still be friends” or “I’ll pay you back all the money” Yeah right! Mine tried that. There is no such thing as ‘just friends’ and as for the money – I waved that goodbye a long time ago. Counting my losses, changed my job, moving house, cos that is what it takes to get them out of our lives.
You are right – they do not think that they have done anything wrong. Mine said ‘when all said and done I still love you’ as if HE was forgiving ME.
Well, I’ve been to see the counsellor today and she assures me I’m doing fine. I told her about this site and how it had helped to talk with people who had had the same experience.
Spath’s ex and me are now good friends and all the crap he fed her he fed to me too. He’s onto his next victim already, so long as he’s out of my life – I’m too tired to care.
Got to keep moving forward and sometimes that’s one step forward and one step sideways but I will get there.
And yes, he was a coward too. A big cissie when it came down to it.
Sexual deviant – yep. All in all the lowest of the low. I’m not even interested in looking for another man, going to look after number one from now on (and my ‘kids’of course)
Within the first week we were married, he began ignoring me for no apparent reason. I’d say “hello how was your day?” when he walked in the door from work, and he’d just walk past me like I didn’t exist. I remember finally crying to his father over the phone one day (big mistake, his father was his predecessor in every way, but could pretend to be very caring about my concerns in order to get one over on his own son!), blubbering “who did I marry? this is not the man that I married! I don’t know this person who lives with me right now…” A few months after the wedding there was a huge earthquake and many of our belongings fell and smashed all about the house. He rushed home and I thought “Oh look, he does care, he’s coming to see if I’m alright.” But after briefly looking around the house, he sank right back into ignore-me mode. I was shocked and so very confused about what was happening in my life. He acted like we were in a fight, and though there were plenty of fights, much of the time he was sulking and distant for no reason whatsoever. It was baffling.