Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
I hope I’m not being annoying trying to see how you all see it. For some reason, I think it will help me.
Sisterhood,
You are not being a pest or annoying, sugar. I think we all need the answer to that question, but you know, in the end, the answer is IT DOESN’T MAKE A TINKER’S DAM IN DIFFERENCE….a narcissist or a psychopath, either one is shallow, self centered and worthless for a relationship. His wife is not loved or cared about because he is incapable of loving or caring about someone else deeply. She may or may not be aware of this but that doesn’t matter, you are aware and aware that he did not, could not, love you, and there is not much likelyhood he loves anyone except himself and taht is doubtful.
I was watching an episode of The Borgias recently.
One of the brothers was supposed to marry somebody from Spain. The scene was him in bed with a prostitute, flipping her around constantly, asking her which one of the women’s portraits should he choose – whichever one would become his wife.
G1S, and others
If you are interested in this book I read: it’s called The Ground Is Burning by Samuel Black.
Another character in this book is a Dorotea Caracciolo. She’s a young noblewoman, on her way to her husband she’s never seen and much older than her. She wants to be free, and Cesare Borgia knows this when she passes through his conquered realm. He abducts her and then seduces her. She’s willing to be seduced, and in the hope to keep his interest volunteers as a spy for him… She spies on Machiavelli and meets Da Vinci too. It is Da Vinci’s soul she ends up loving and Cesare Borgia she ends up despising and fearing. The same events that force Da Vinci to leave his patron, force her to seek shelter in a nunnery. But when some nuns are spathy and discover her secret about Borgia, she ends up joining the husband, with whom she ends up having a good marriage.
As for Marchiavelli, he eventually does settle down with his wife in the country… not cheating on her anymore. The reason? The last prostitute he dabbled with died of the bubonic plague and for days he inspects himself for the signs
of the plague. And the sole reason he ends up having a peaceful life in the country is because he was regarded a traitor by the new Medici rule (another family full of narcs and spaths). It’s rejection and fear of the plague that makes him ‘docile’.
It’s written from the POV of all these characters and one other (one who seeks vengeance on Firenze) in the I form.
Sisterhood,
None of us can really diagnoze your ex.
As for the difference between narcs and spaths…
I was working with my dad yesterday in the apartment to prepare the walls for the painting. He was laying down protective paper on the floor, while I filled the irregularities of the wall with retouching plaster and then sanding it… At some point he wanted to help me get something down that he was unscrewing, but one side was difficult for him, because it was against his hand. He would have needed to be left handed to do it easily, which he isn’t. So, I said, “That’s a left handed job really.” My dad asked me, “Are you left handed?” “Nope, but ex-spath was.” I then added, “There is actually a correlation between left handedness and sociopathy.” My dad looked at me in surprise and then said, “My father was left handed.” There are a few red flags regarding my grandfather. But not enough to make a full blown conclusion. What is sure though is the fact that my aunt, my dad’s sister is a narcissist. And this is what I told my father. I confirmed to him that narcissism is suspected to have an envorinmental cause – an unhealthy bonding with the mother in the eaerliest stages of child development, which was the case for my grandmother and aunt. I also told him that narcissism was regarded as untreatable, as much as sociopathy isn’t curable. I explained that it’s the entitlement feelings and narcissism is the cause of it being untreatable: if a person considers themselves as “right” and the rest of the world as “wrong” there is no incentive at all to grow and develop personality wise.
So, then he asked me how I’d differ a spath from a narc. I answered… well a spath would blame the world for everything that goes wrong, and use other people’s compassion for his own benefit to do whatever he likes to do. A narc on the other hand would claim they have sacrificed so much for everyone and all they get for it in return is rejection.
Sisterhood, for me it’s this way: “understanding” what each exspath was/is will not make one iota of difference. The first one was a violently abusive BAD PERSON. The second one was a fraudulent BAD PERSON that did not beat the crap out of me. Neither one is worse than the other – they both created carnage.
I have come to a point where lamenting “Why – oh, WHY – did he become this way?” and, “WHAT – oh, WHAT – could be done to HELP him?” are pointless lamentations. Right now, at this very moment, I need to ask, “WHAT can I do to sort myself out?”
“Bad people” are bad people – why, how, when, and what will not alter the fact that bad people simply ARE.
Brightest blessings, Sisterhood. And, hugs to you…
I do get that it doesn’t really make a difference what he is. Abuse is abuse. I wasn’t looking for a diagnosis, just your opinions. I guess I just needed a little extra confirmation.
Uhuh, I understand, sisterhood. Hence why I mentioned what for me is the difference…
Narcs try to make themselves look as a self-sacrificing hero. “I’m so nice and friendly and worry so much and do ths and that, and what do I get in return? I get shit and hate in return.” Narcs want your empathy for self-perception/validation reasons.
Spaths tend to go more for another pity-play – “the world’s out to get me and doesn’t give me a chance to better my life. Will you help me change my life?” Spaths want all you have and they want and can get. They use your empathy, but they don’t really seem to care about it.