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Sociopaths, sex and power

Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.

The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.

The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.

So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.

What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.

I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.

After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.

A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.

Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.

In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.


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This blog couldn’t be more true in regards to sociopaths. In my experience with a sociopath, I think somewhere within me I knew something was “off” but I just couldn’t pinpoint what “it” was…until later in the relationship. There truly is no intimacy with a sociopath…it is about the “act” vs. the connection when it comes to the sex part of a relationship with a sociopath. There is a disconnect and that disconnect is what I finally began to pick up on later in the relationship. I had been married for many yrs. and had a connection throughout my relationship with my deceased husband. In the relationship with the sociopath, in the beginning, I thought our connection was deeper and was an indication of the “depth” of our love for one another…I couldn’t have been more wrong. As in this blog…it was part of the bait on the hook…it was the best sex and I did look at it as part of being the right person for me. Later I would notice during “lovemaking” (I use that term lightly in ref. to this relationship cause he was incapable of love)…he had a glassed over look, like vacant…it was evident it was about the act for him and not an expression of our love/intimacy for one another. Later, long after I broke things off, it was discovered that he had many, many books on “techniques” to pleasure a woman…it clicked then that that was it….he could perform the techniques he had studied how to do but a book cannot teach anyone about the connection that he was incapable of having, not just with me but with anyone in his life. Thus the disconnect I was feeling, the vacant look, the preoccupation with the number of orgasms, and the fast pace he moved at in the beginning of the relationship. He had set the hook big time and was reeling in with all his might, once snagged, the disconnect and vacancy grew more and more.

I’m convinced that my son’s P father slept with half the women in his state.

He’s a good looking man. I met him in an Al-Anon meeting for adult children of alcoholics. It was a huge meeting. Women would be coming up to him all the time. More accurately, they were throwing themselves at him.

I kept my distance. I was attracted to what he shared at meetings, until I had been attending long enough that when a topic came up again, he said almost the exact same thing verbatim. (My memory is capable of remembering things like that.)

Anyway, over the course of two years, he was extremely polite and nice to me. Then, he would give me a little, tiny peck on the cheek when he greeted me. Slowly, the location of that kiss moved closer and closer to my mouth.

This took two years. He wasn’t throwing himself at me and I certainly wasn’t throwing myself at him. If anything, the length of time convinced me that a genuine, deep relationship was at hand.

Because I related so well to what he said (guess why? He was a P and I was coming from a P-dominated family of origin!) I asked him to be my sponsor.

That was against the unstated rules of Program, but I desperately needed to talk with somebody who understood me. (Stupid, stupid, stupid. And I was right, he understood me very well.) I also rationalized that the rule didn’t make sense because, after all, there are homosexuals relationships.

Eventually, after I got pregnant, a friend of mine who worked with him said that they used to talk all the time at work. He told her that nothing turns him on more than a woman who presents a challenge. She said she felt sick inside because she realized that he was telling her that I was a challenge for him.

This woman related a story he had told her how he had traveled across country with a woman who is now his current wife, and while she was in taking a shower, he was talking on the phone with one of his many flames. They were cooing away until he heard the water stop running and he got off the phone. He was Mr. Wonderful to her when she came out of bathroom.

Finally, my friend said that he confided that he thought he might have had a child with a married woman, but she never told her husband about her affair so he thinks the child is his. I suspect that she did have the child. I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have told him. Why else would he “think” that he might have one?

I get all this information after the fact. If I had known before we had gotten involved, we wouldn’t have gotten involved.

Through the recovery network, a friend told one of the P’s ex-wives that my son existed. She contacted her former mother-in-law. Long story short, one night the phone range. The woman announced that she was the P’s mother, heard that she had a grandson, and wanted to know all about him.

The woman became “the best mother-in-law I never had.” She was my main supply of information about the P, often calling me to say that he had done this, he lied about that, look into that.

Getting back to the P’s second ex-wife, I eventually met her. She told me that she found out what he was like the day after New Year’s one year. Somebody called her and gave her the name of all the women he had been sleeping with and the names of the hotels where they had been meeting.

As far as the sex went, I didn’t think it was great. It felt very mechanical on his part, which made it disappointing for me.

I knew that he was married. I was kicking myself for not listening to the program rule about not having a sponsor of the opposite sex. Our affair was very short-lived. I wanted one more night with him, a poetic good-bye if you will, and that was going to be it, except I conceived our son.

In what I thought was an extremely candid and truthful moment, he told me once that no matter how many women told him that they loved him, it would never be enough for him. He didn’t know why. He simply couldn’t feel that love.

After hearing about his exploits and remembering that statement, I ended up thinking that he probably was a sex addict. I can’t say that for sure. I don’t know enough about the condition.

Program has another unofficial rule. There are 12-Steps. A 13th Stepper is someone who exploits the vulnerability and trust of a newcomer in order to bed that person. Members will warn others to stay away from someone for being a 13th Stepper.

A 13th Stepper can be of either sex and of either persuasion.

I know a gay AA man who hits on young men all the time when they enter Alcoholics Anonymous. This guy is held in very high esteem by the state’s AA members because he is so likable and charming. He can talk a very convincing blue streak when it comes to recovery. He used to be a middle school teacher. He told me about his preference for high school boys. He felt that was OK, because he wasn’t their teacher anymore.

Hi poetress

My experience is very similar to yours. Charming became almost trance like while making “love”…. The hypnotic stare…..he was performing…..and he wanted my sexual experiences to be unforgettable so that I would ruined for anyone else. It used it to control me. But as you said, my gut kept screaming something is off about him. I found myself looking into his vacant eyes trying to figure it out. He told me his last girlfriend would do the same thing. Now I know why…..just took me a while to figure it out

TRUE ARTICLE!!! I’ve also heard people say that the sociopath’s sexual prowess is based solely upon their source target – meaning that the sex is as good as the target’s ability.

Sex with the first exspath was SO frequently degrading and humiliating. Any pleasure that I experienced was quickly turned into a ridicule, “See? Now, you ENJOYED that, didn’t you?? Sex with the second exspath was solely my own responsibility – oh, he wanted sex, but he was a mediocre jackrabbit, at best.

The very thought of the second exspath’s fantasizations while we were intimate cause my stomach to flip-flop – HIS stare was not only predatory, but it was “Lights are ON – nobody is HOME.” Ick, ick, ick….

It sounds like we all have had the same experience. Truly unbelievable to me. There is no doubt…they are loveless, mechanical beings. Mine did everything that was said above in these posts. I also suspect mine has had a baby with a married woman and the woman’s husband has no idea. I don’t know this to be fact, but there are things that lead me to believe it could be true. They just never stop.

YES; THIS ARTICLE IS ABSOLUTELY 1,000% CORRECT.
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ‘LOVE’ BUT EVERYTHING TO DO WITH CONTROL AND DOMINANCE.

IF YOU TAKE THEIR CONTROL AWAY, THEY SHRIVEL UP AND BACK UNDER THE ROCK FROM WHICH THEY CLIMBED OUT FROM UNDERNEATH.

Dupey

My sexual experience with the ex spath was a bit different.

He was not an incredible lover, he was merely fast and selfish, like a horny monkey. I never felt an intense sexual connection from the physical side of it. It was as if he knew he didn’t know how to please a woman so he used other devices to cover that fact, for instance perversion, saying things to emit emotion from me, the stupid stare which was quite funny actually, and juvenile attempts to project himself as completely turned on all the time by me and me alone. I faked quite often, if you know what I mean. I guess somehow I knew that connection was really and truly not there when we were ‘supposedly’ at our most intimate with each other.

I remember thinking, “How the hell does somebody have so much sex with so, SO many people and not really know what they’re doing?” I am sure he got so many people in the sack because he was very built up and pursued sex with anyone and everyone but that did not help him in bed.

I had come to the point early on in the relationship where I dreaded sex with him. It was just a bothersome chore to me and I tried being platonic to no avail. I had guy friends before so it took me by surprise that he could not just be friends.

I had known very good sex before and this just was not it.

The s-ex (Matt, thanks for that! Spath-ex), claimed to be a ‘tantric master’. Since I didn’t really know what that meant I thought all the ‘eye-gazing’ and contextual set ups (candles, oils, weird positions, yogic breathing) were part of the tantric/yogic ritual. And I suppose, superficially, they were.

But for all the theatrics he was a selfish and dismissive, though aggressive and dominant, sex partner. It wasn’t particularly satisfying. There was no intimate sweet talking, no interest in what I liked or wanted. It was a show, and he was the star.

Like many instances, I just went into my ‘fake and inauthentic’ self, to play with him. This wasn’t just with sex. I found myself in social situations acting like a different person, to fit in with his energy and agenda.

It was like getting morphed into a psuedospath.

Initially LOTS of sex. In whatever crazy fashion struck his fancy. Then, boom, NO sex. I figure that is when he got bored and started grooming some new targets. It created a weird withdrawl period for me; I felt like sex had become a drug I needed. Even though it wasn’t orgasmic the Oxytocin still kicked in.

He ‘believed’ that women were ‘responsible’ for their own pleasure. He believed, much to the perpetuation of his selfishness and lack of care for any woman, that women who couldn’t be pleasured by a man’s ‘direction’ and sexual preferences wasn’t ‘open’ and sexually enlightened.

Boy! How embarrassing that I tried to make something with this Kook. Where was Skylar’s book when I needed it?

I remember being angry at my first husband for something. I think it was first thing in the morning. He was up, and I was still in bed. Nakid. I don’t remember why I was mad, it was 35 years ago, but I was pretty passive back then, so I know I couldn’t have been too demanding. He had turned away from me and was walking out of the room, and I expressed some discontent. He wrirled around, stormed over to the side of the bed, and ripped the covers off me. That’s all he did, then stood there glaring at me as I scurried to cover myself as he stood over me. Then he turned and left the room. Now, if that isn’t sexual domination, humiliation and degradation I don’t know what is. He wanted me to feel sexually vulnerable. It wasn’t much over a year later that I wised up and left for good.

Second husband turned me into a sexual non being by becoming impotant as soon as we were married. I had a role to fill and that was housewife. Cook, clean and don’t make waves.

I eventually shoved all my unhappiness underground because I’d been so punished for voicing it. At one point he told me he should take me out in the back yard and shoot me…to put me out of my misery.

I was miserable because I was a non person, with no voice or power in the relationship, and he was F#@*&ing every young thing he could get his hands on, falling in love and treating me like an indebtured servant.

It took me two years to stop crying when I finally admitted the truth to myself and let my feelings surface.

But now I know I was “supply”, and when I no longer worshipped the ground he walked on, he had to diminish me, and find new (greener and more niave) supply.

I know that he fell in love with their “love” for him. Sigh.

What is skylars book???

Snow,

Skylar wrote in another thread: (a joke)

Yeah, maybe we need another book called:
Denial: The red flags of love fraud and why you’re too stupid to see them!

When I first read it it made me laugh so fast and hard I peed my pants a little!

Slimone- dang, did we have the same exspath?! You hit everything right on.

Snow- I, too, SOOO want Skylar to write a book for real. Where is this thread she wrote in? I love her insight and humor!! 🙂

Woundlicker…..could be. Though I bet this is a ruse many of the ‘groovier’ spaths use. ‘Spiritual’ abusers LOVE the mysterious language and ritual of the East- they can make up all kinds of stuff and nobody is the wiser!

Sky wrote that in one of the Red Flags of Love Fraud/book reviews. Hilarious!

I wish she would write a book too.

Slim

Know what I remember about my son’s P?

Wondering how I felt like he never touched me when we had sex.

One time he asked me if I wanted to make love. What a reaction from me. I was furious. I wanted to scream, “We don’t make love. We have sex.”

woundlicker:

That’s exactly how mine was…fast and selfish…about four seconds to be exact! You made a good point…mine also really had no idea how to please a woman…none. He also used some perversions…I won’t say what here, but he obviously has some hangups. He also said much later when we were no longer having sex, but staying in contact when I had mentioned to him that I had not orgasmed with him…he said “instruct me.” That told me right there that he really didn’t know what to do and needed to be instructed. Now, I do realize that ultimately it is up to us as women to take responsibility for our own pleasure…after all, all women are different and what works for one woman may not work for another woman so I can see where men may be at a loss to know what to do with one particular woman. I have read many times how it is our responsibility to let the man know what we want. And I have to confess…I did not do that. I am not sure why I didn’t, but I didn’t. I should have, but ultimately, I am sure it would not have made a difference. He still would have used me and moved on.

This also makes me wonder how sexually experienced he truly is. I may only THINK he is bedding all kind of women when in reality, he may not be doing as much of it as I think. I don’t know what to think.

Oh, and woundlicker…don’t EVER fake it. Not to make you feel bad, but that’s the worst thing any woman can do. I have said it before on LF so it’s not personal to you. If we do that, the man can never improve because he is already going to think he is great! Not that most of them can ever improve anyway because they don’t care, but you get my drift.

Slim and Woundlicker,
you guys made me feel better. I’ve been having a rough morning. And that was such a nice thing to say.

I did start a blog, but I don’t think most people here would like it. It’s a depressing blog. Maybe I’ll write some cheerful stuff soon, but right now I just write stuff about spaths and why they suck.

Sky ~

I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time of it. I can cetainly understand why – spathy dream invasions – how dare he.

You always are there to help me and make me feel better, I wish I had some wise words, I just don’t know what to say. If you want to write a depressing blog right now, go ahead, we have all been there. I will read your stuff about spaths and why they suck, might even add some of my own thoughts to it.

Just wanted you to know, I so appreciate you –

G1S, holy cow, that sounds like the second exspath. Shortly after an emergency surgery, I was soaking in the tub trying to relax, and he was laying in bed reading. He looked up and said, quite matter-of-factly, “Did you want sex?” I thought it was a VERY odd way to initiate lovemaking OR suggest it, though it came across rather humorous. In hindsight, it was his best shot at foreplay! LMAO!!!!

Who wrote up there about a horny monkey? LMAO!!! Earlier, I was weeping, and now I’m laughing at the references, here. LOL

No, there was never any interest in MY pleasure – only a hurry-up-and-lemme-get-off urgency. And, quite literally, it’s no wonder he was such an automaton. Given the imagery and activities that were appealing to him, only violence against women was appealing.

As a sort of off-topic, I undersand and accept that consenting adults have the right to engage in whatever sexual interests that they like, but does anyone have any insight into what causes a man to have such a dark, warped interest in sexual violence against women? I mean, HOW does someone begin their interests in that, anyway?

Sky,

Its a matter of fact that spaths suck.

Sometimes its hard to get past the how and why they got to us.
No matter how scientific we can be about what they are or how that happened, it feels pretty not good. (how’s that for a technical expression?).

The fact is that they intended to fool, take advantage and that they lied. Concensis seems to be that they weren’t all that great as lovers and lousy as friends.

So why do they haunt so much and why does that low feeling linger?

What if we said, “wow, that’s all too much to think about! What if we said, I think instead of thinking about the spath, I will take a walk and not think about them the whole time?”

If you were here, I’d drag you out around the block and get you to play kick the rock so you’d think about getting your aim and not tripping every time it was your turn.

What ever you can do to get refocused on something no matter how small and breathing during these tough days is a good thing. A tiny thing that in time will yield huge results.

Yes, its worth repeating over and over. And worth knowing it wasn’t your fault. You were targeted and fooled. It happened to a lot of us.

We can and you will, move past it.

Yeah, they suck and yep, they seem to haunt us. Its all we can say.

So, wanna go kick a rock?

Thank you Milo, it helps to hear your encouragement.
I don’t really know what’s wrong. Why am I suddenly dreaming of him so much? And why are those dreams about getting back together?

I know you were having trouble with spath-D lately too. I kind of thought that might happen after her arrest. Since she blames you for everything, it’s obviously you fault that she got arrested and you should pay for it.

I have had one new interesting insight about spaths which might be helpful if you can figure out how to apply it:
Spaths never attack unless it’s a surprise. It goes with the 180rule.

For a spath, the element of surprise is absolutely critical. It’s part of the “duper’s delight”. It’s also why they tell 180 lies, so that what you least expect is the truth. It’s like a comedian telling a joke, they set you up to expect one thing, and then they slip in the opposite thing. This is very funny to them, but it’s not usually funny to the victim.

So one way to derail them, once you know that they are spaths and that all spath do the same things, is to tell them that you already know what to expect. Or you could tell them that you expect them to do the opposite of what you want them to do.

This was partly what I wrote about on my blog 180rule.com

SILVERMOON!!!! What a brilliant suggestion!!! And, here I’ve been so wrapped up in this negative focus, myself! GOOD suggestion… Redirect. As simply put as that: redirect.

Thanks, Silver – I know the response was for Skylar, but it really applies to me, right now!

Silvermoon,
you might be on to something. I’ve not exercised for several weeks and gained all my weight back.

When I say “not exercised” I mean literally barely moved.

Perhaps going out for a walk and kicking a rock down the street would help.

Hi Skylar,
Sorry your having a rough day.

I did not find your blog depressing at ALL!
It’s informative and well written.

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Pat yourself on the back and say ‘atta girl’

Thanks Ana,
I’m glad you found it interesting.

Though I think that all the research I did on shame may have been the trigger. Learning about shame made it impossible to be in denial any longer. I understand it too well. Now I have to do something about it. and I don’t know how.

Skylar, There is a book by Tom Bradshaw called,”Healing the Shame That Binds You”. It might be right up your ally. Google it and see. I think I’m gonna google it too, since it’s been a very long time since I read it.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

sky – saying, ‘i don’t know how’ activates your wisdom and curiosity to find out how. being truthful and open to asking the question will move you forward. pray. all you need is the next step.

Kim Frederick, THAT’s the title! I’ve been saying it was “The Shame That Binds Us!” I read that book and it was a personal breakthrough for me. EXCELLENT.

Sky and Truthspeak et al,

At the end of the day, who cares if we figure them completely out?

During all that figurin’ we were thinking about them, not ourselves. We continue during that whole process being focused on the spath. Don’t they just love the attention?

And it is us who in turn are left to go seeking attention for ourselves by worrying about what they are doing to us and how they are affecting us when instead of putting ourselves first, we wind up asking someone else to do that for us.

Our expectations of the support we get from others becomes a fantasy of being rescued by a knight in shining armor until the next Artiste de Bull Shit comes along.

I think Kim’s write up on the 12 step understanding about how it all ties to ego and ego wants to be fed is spot on. Its on the other thread but, Kim, would you repost it here?

The legacy of the 12 steps is so powerful . It works when nothing else does. In it is a prescription for action.

Sometimes, we need to be doing. Not thinking only. Maybe there is a wisdom in the actions that are in the 12 steps because those actions aren’t about making it right or figuring it out for others, but for ourselves and making the decision over and over again to move forward and do it in a whole and healthy way. From baby steps to leaps and bounds and everything in between.

This is on my mind. What do you think?

My ex-spath used sex all the time as a way to control and manipulate me. At first sex did seem amazing and it was all about pleasing me – so much that he was into providing multiple orgasms and not climaxing himself – he told me that his pleasure came from “pleasing me”. Then after he knew I was hooked – he began to either have problems with erection or would stop half way into love making and tell me that I “move too much” or some other type of insult. Each time my self-esteem deteriorated a little more and I began to “try harder” to please him – gifts, $ when he needed it etc.. When it came to taking pleasure for himself he wanted sex with me in the car in broad daylight or public places – this from a 50+ year old man! There was no love – if I needed anything other than sex – he was never there for me.

In broad daylight? Wow. T

Ooooo, the exspath I endured was a pervert! He was into pretend rape (would try to choke me, put his hand over my mouth, very demeaning stuff) and all the while I was wondering “Does he hate ALL women?” I knew he hated an awful lot of women especially his mom, but he said really inappropriate things about his own sister. Ew.
Sex was all about him from the very beginning, though. Nevrr about me. It was so tiresome i would think “Maybe if I play dead he’ll go away”. I faked orgasm so he’d hurry up and leave me the hell alone before he started humping my ear. I mean he was really that weird. No amount of candles, weird music, or fruit salad rubbed all over us (his stupid idea and can I say ouch! Fruit has acid, thanks idiot) would take my mind off the fact that I did not have fun having sex with him, because it isn’t making love.
I actually told him many times at first how to please me but he was so robotic it just wasn’t going to happen. He even kissed like a parrot (imagine a parrots stiff tongue trying to crack open a sunflower seed). So romantic…not!
Gosh, there just wasn’t a lot for me to be addicted to but I am reading “The New Codependency ” by Melody Beattie so I can focus on me and my issues instead of reading on sociopaths disorder.

Sky, I’m going to look up your blot tonight. I had a dream that the exspath was trying to get back together just so he could steal my watch and I woke up saying to myself, no spath- you’ve stolen enough of my time. Adios a-hole.

I agree with the concensus- they do not deserve anymore of our time. Go kick the sh*t out of that rock.

Skylar,

Sorry you’re feeling puny and a bit triggered. Listen Skylar you are a huge help to me…..you make me laugh, cry, and lightbulbs turn on above my head over your insights. I hope you can take these compliments into your heart and feel a bit lighter and loved.

Who knows why we have these sorts of dreams? I have had them too. 5 years out. In my dreams s-ex is NICE and has a heart he wants to give to me. It’s a dream.

Maybe this is the way our subconscious helps us have the feelings and experiences we wanted, but couldn’t have in ‘reality’. I don’t really know.

I remember having one of those lovey dreams and waking up and thinking ‘Oh, THAT is what it could have been like if he wasn’t mentally ill’. But it was NEVER like that in real life.

Seems like clarity comes in stages….

Hugs to you Skylar,
Slim

Hello,
I am writing hoping that someone will be able to help me as I have been involved with a man whose behavior is extremely strange and abnormal but yet I have had a hard time cutting all ties. This man is a local musician and is a interim worship leader at a local church. His spirituality is what drew me to him, however as time went on, he revealed a much sinister personality that has had everyone fooled.
The very first thing I noticed was his interest in only himself and what he wants in life and what God can do for him, very selfish and has irrational beliefs in himself (he believes that at 43 years old he can be a Christian artist and recieve a grammy, he displays no rational or mature thinking about his current status or future) As a matter of fact the first compliment I gave him after meeting him for the first time was shocking because after telling him that he was a great guitar player, his response was “I know”‘. He seems to have no tact and extremely narcisstic. When we were getting to know each other in the beginning, he shared with me facts about himself and things he had done with women that no one in their right mind would have shared, I should have ran away then. He has very little income as the church pays only minimal wages and he teaches a few students guitar lessons at a local music store. Out of the blue, he will say very hurtful things and respond with “Im just kidding”, some of the things he says are completely vile and disrespectful. If I am crying in front of him by something he says that is hurtful or something he has done that is hurtful, he sits beside me with a smirk on his face trying to hide a smile or even laugh. It is very scary and concerning, as it seems he is almost evil. He spends money foolishly and becomes obsessed with one project or interest after another. His personality changes like the wind, the most unpredictable person I have ever encountered.
When I threaten to leave the relationship or refuse to talk to him, he literally becomes obsessed with phone calls, texts and emails professing his love for me and that he wants to spend his life with me. In one day my phone recorded over 93 phone calls back to back, however the moment I give in and allow contact with him, he is back to treating me terrible immediately. He has never spent money on me for any type of gift or act of love but instead encourages me to buy him very expensive things. He has no interest in my personal life or even inquires about anything in my life. He is not a loving or affection person with me, however he can grab his lapdog and love on it and kiss it as if its his baby. I also found out that although he is not affectionate, he is very perverse and sexual, however once his needs are met, he completely ignores me. He is not a comapssionate person either, he makes fun of older people in his church, and refers to his church as “Bob Hope” instead of the church’s name of New Hope.
One evening after presenting me with an engagement ring and asking me to marry him, 7 days later I caught him in a bar with a strange woman at 3 am with his hands all over her legs. I have tried to confide his beahvior to others for their own opinion, however he has gone out of his way to do damage control and everyone thinks that he is this perfect Godly man. His behavior is unethical and abnormal, he believes that he does nothing wrong and its everyone elses fault. He also believes that God speaks to him through dreams and tells him that hes special. These few examples along with his glib attitude and detachment of human feelings, compassion or interest have me wondering what exactly is wrong with him, its obviously a mental disorder or several combined. He has even went as far as to stalk me and follow me at different places but yet really doesnt want me. Its so confusing and very hurtful, his control and strange behavior has left me completely drained both physically and emotionally. Have I described a sociopath in your opinion?
Thank you for any help or advice you can give me

singmodel…. YES. You describe a sociopath very well.

What’s in it for you?

Why is it hard for you to leave?

(those are not meant as criticism… just questions). Maybe you go to this church, too, so this is your community? That can make it harder to leave.

I have not heard a single thing in there of what you might be getting out of it “best lover ever” or “I really love him” or “he can be so kind sometimes” or “I feel sorry for him and don’t want to let him down suddenly — he needs me” — what is the hook for you? You said his spirituality drew you to him but now you see it differently.

What would happen if you left the relationship? What would it take, what are the consequences to you? what are the hooks keeping you involved? Has he threatened you in any way?

Lots of questions. You asked for advice/help. I would say, this man sounds like he is no good for anyone, the way you describe him. I would suggest retreating as safely and gracefully as you can.

Dear Singmodel,

This man is displaying very pronounced narcissistic behavior and is also displaying the RED FLAGS of false “love”

I suggest that you keep on reading here, because unless you get away and stay away from this man (no matter how many times he texts you and tries to get you back) your life will be miserable.

He is not “just kidding” when he says hurtful things and then smirks, he is enjoying your pain.

Donna andersen has just published a great book on the 10 RED FLAGS OF LOVE FRAUD, I suggest that you get it and read it, it seems he has ALL THE RED FLAGS and I suggest that you RUN not walk away from this man.

There are also many helpful articles here on LoveFraud. this man is a fake.

He has as much chance of winning a grammy as I do of flapping my arms and flying to the moon. God bless.

Silvermoon,
you said, “who cares if we figure them completely out?”
Figuring them out has been the key to figuring me out, thus far. For 43 years I thought everyone was normal!

We are enmeshed on this earth with many, many spaths, not just the ones we lived with. Figuring them out, for me, has been about being able to spot the next one and being able to see the psychopathology in systems, governments, cultures and beliefs – and being able to see what I’ve been doing wrong.

Maybe other people have the luxury of being able to discern pathology by their guts, by the revulsion they feel in it’s presence, but those of us raised by paths are at a disadvantage there. It seems normal.

Then of course there is the cultural “norm” of narcissism that we all wallow in and don’t smell. Even if we could smell it, where would we run to?

I know it’s time to let go trying to fix things and trust. There are days I can do it and then days like today. When I think of how hard it is for me to change, I see how impossible it is for a spath, who is much deeper in denial than even I am. It’s sad.

Woundlicker
yes mine was into pretend rape too. You don’t even want to know what he did. Later I found out that he was constantly asking his friend to get him date rape drugs from Mexico.

I love your dream interpretation – it’s perfect.

Slim,
thank you for your love, I can feel it through the internet. You have a beautiful heart, it comes through.

I didn’t go for a walk. I fell asleep.

Singmodel,
This man wants power over you. He envies you and what you have and he is intent in taking it. Please run away before you end up feeling sad and lost, disempowered and only a fraction of the person you used to be. Read the stories here and take them to heart. I hope that our stories can save others. No one is immune.

Skylar, I love your blog! Depressing, no. Eye-opening, definitely. Hmmm, maybe a top ten list of the most repulsive traits of the exspath is in order.

I’ll start:

TOP TEN REPULSIVE EXSPATH TRAITS
10. He snored like a grizzly bear who just ate a lumberjack.

skylar:

Where is your blog?

Sky,

Key points.
Your day wasn’t so different from mine…

Sometimes its hard. Whether you are thinking about spaths or not.

But, tough days aren’t just about spaths. Or the way you were raised. Sometimes, they are just tough.

Some days are the days that “try men’s souls” – or are they all like that?

I can see you a few narcisissts, some vicious alcoholics, A wicked bipolar stepmother and raise you a serious psychopath.

Believe me, I ‘ve been there. And am still doing that.

A couple of years down the road it isn’t about the spath or any of that other stuff. Its about me.

What I need to do that I am resistant to, what I want to do that there are barriers in front of and what I choose to do because I want to and I can.

How much can you do in a day, really? And what is ok to be expected of you?

Are you allowed to get tired and slow down? Are you free to choose to just blow it off?

There are so many of these little decisions we’ve made without thinking about them.

Should we start?

Hell with it Sky. My brain’s gonna explode! Let’s kick a rock up to where we can see the sunset, take a deep breath and move on.

Maybe the calvalry isn’t coming in for a rescue, but maybe making a little progress at a time, we’ll get through tomorrow. Maybe a lot less drama but a lot more normal.

What say you?

skylar:

Never mind…I read your post again and found it.

Louise~ 180rule.com

9. Exspath thought kids were sexy.

skylar:

Your blog is AWESOME!! You just started it in March?

Thanks, woundlicker!

Louise~ I agree about Skylar’s blog. It is awesome. Great job Sky!

8. Exspath thought his farts smelled good.

Woundlicker,
OMG you cracked me up! Mine snored like a poltergeist!
I told him that he sounded like a demon from hell and the expression on his face was “priceless”. He peered at me, trying to figure out what I had figured out… It creeped me out so much I had to look away.

I’m glad you guys liked the blog, I’m going to try to write more positive stuff. I have some ideas…about butterflies.

In large part it is about Girardian Theory. I started it because I think that this GT has the potential to change the world. It isn’t explicitly about spaths, it’s about the sabotage that was done to our civilization and it happens to describe spathology without even intending to.

Girardian theory combines literary theory and anthropology with a big splash of theology to explain what is revealed by Jesus’ death on the cross. You don’t have to be religious to get it. You can understand it to certain extent, anthropologically.

Mine didn’t snore at all. It’s one of the reasons I liked him a lot as it seems almost all men snore and I HATE that…I mean hate!!! Can’t stand it as it makes it impossible to sleep. I never heard it from spath. Sure wish I would have 🙁

7. Exspath had the weirdest feet.

Silver,
I do wish you were here. I’d love to kick rocks with you.
The nap really helped too. The nightmares keep waking me up then I can’t sleep, then I feel lousy and everything gets an exaggerated quality.

I have to admit though, that I have many, many defects from being raised by spath parents. Need to do a lot of growing up and it is as painful as it was as a teen. That’s really what it boils down to, I think.

6. Exspath came home reeking like sex.

Singmodel,

He sounds like he could be a very serious stalker.

I know this is difficult. Please, what is so wonderful about this man that you want to marry him? Do you really want to commit to a lifetime of this treatment?

I had a friend whose mother used to say, “Start as you intend to continue.” Right now, he’s giving you his best – and it sounds about as demeaning and irresponsible as it comes. Do you honestly think he’s going to change his behavior for the better after you’re married?

If he is so wonderful, what led you here?

Where is the love in his behavior? I’m not seeing any. What is he doing, in what you describe, that is loving? Nothing.

So he gave you an engagement ring. What kind of ring is it? How can anybody that poor afford one? Where did he get it from? Did he buy it? Where did that money come from? You just told us how irresponsible he is with money and he can produce an engagement ring? Something isn’t right here.

Why did you get involved with him in the first place? How did that happen?

My bet – you might be coming across as desperate to be married and are in love with the idea of being in love.

Please, read through here.

I honestly think you are in danger not just emotionally, but from violence. He bought you with that ring. He owns you.

He sounds like the worst kind of predator.

skylar:

Forgive me for not remembering, but are your parents still living? Do you talk to them at all?

Yes Louise, they are alive.
I’ve been avoiding them since March 1. I usually see them a couple of times a year. I cut my phone off. Guess what? They must’ve had my sister call in as me and paid it.

I haven’t been answering the phone, AFAI concerned, it is shut off.

We have things we do together, because I was their book keeper and business/tax advisor for the last 25 years. None of my siblings know anything about anything, so they depended on me to help them. All along, they knew that my spath was only with me for my money because they overheard him say so. But they never told me until 2009. WTF?

I felt like such a fool. Bending over backwards to do everything for them while they laughed at all my losses and knew why.
😥

The reason they were doing this is because I had seen through their masks as a teen. I didn’t allow their control. They wanted to see me punished. And they enjoyed every second of it.

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