Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
Sisterhood
That guy is a pathetic asshole. I am so glad you came to lovefraud.
The piece about holding up pictures of you and the other woman, you know who else did that? Steve Jobs. Yup! Familiar story.
No thanks.
My sociopath told me in May of 2009 that he was “shallow” and “selfish”. I was trying to break up with him, and he was apologizing and noting his weaknesses. I laughed. Who on earth calls THEMSELVES shallow and selfish? Somehow he kept me hooked. That’s what sociopaths do.
My ex KNEW he was a sociopath. He told me time and time again. I just couldn’t see it because I was too close.
I’ve been no contact for about a month now, and I swing between euphoria (and I find myself singing “ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the wicked witch!”) and sadness (the guy I thought was great actually wasn’t. Oh well).
I met my spath on a dating website. It was my first forray into that world. Somewhere I read that the site was “brimming with sociopaths”. I had no idea what that meant, and I thought it sounded inflamatory and ridiculous.
Not.
Hugs to you, and to Oxy and Skylar and Clair and Wouldlicker and BBE and Hens and everybody else here who is helping my my recovery, and in yours.
Athena
G1S, I think they do learn in prison, by talking to others about various scams. I think the scam my son pulled when he got out of prison the first time, with the credit cards was something he learned in prison…it didn’t work well though, as within a few weeks the bills were coming in to family of the girl he got to work it with in her grandfather’s name and she confessed to them that she had been involved, and with him on parole he would have gone back to prison.
I think SHE probably signed most of the purchases so he had thought at first that he would not be liable since SHE had signed them. He killed her for “ratting” him out.
One of his “friends” met in prison talked about how my son had a gun and would continually jack rounds in and out of the semi automatic gun (which was a felony for him to have a gun since he was a convict and on parole) the “friend” was afraid of him. Apparently my son thought that he was a “tough guy” and tried to project that image, so those who dealt with him should have known he was dangerous, but I imagine that they thought he wasn’t dangerous to THEM.
The girl obviously did not know what she was dealing with, but she did know he was an ex convict and she did know he had a gun….so she had some CLUES but she did not pick up on the fact that that might mean he was dangerous or that he might kill her.
She wasn’t looking for predators but she apparently liked that “bad boy” type. It cost her her life. She was young and didn’t know what she was dealing with could be lethal.
Realizing how lethal they can be whether they are lying, stealing, cheating or whatever they are doing is important, especially for youngsters who have little experience in the real world. That is one reason Donna’s message to the high school kids is important. It needs to be a national campaign.
On their own and without the help of anybody, they can also recognize the close calls that they’ve had (meaning the mistakes that they made) and what they could have done better the next time to make their efforts more successful in general.
I’ve read that going to prison is like sending criminals to crime college. The knowledge they come out with always exceeds whatever they knew going in. Criminals are even capable of running scams from inside prisons.
Because of that, I don’t think sending criminal to prison is much of a solution, but I don’t know what else can be done with these people.
What is the recidivism rate of ex-cons?
Louise & Truthspeak:
I think you both are pinpointing an essential truth about Ns & SPs: They are not able to truly love. When we were in a relationship with them, we mistakenly believed they loved us because at that time, we didn’t understand that they are incapable of love. What we had with them mimicked love, but it was not real love.
I found this to be a very difficult truth to process and accept. I experienced grief over the thought that what I had with my N was not actually love, but the mimicking of love.
This is so true, Louise:
“makes me realize that it’s not because I did something wrong, but because HE can’t really love. It’s when I forget that and think that he’s a normal human being that I fall. I have to keep this thought in the forefront.”
Yes, please keep that thought in the forefront.
Bingo, sisterhood!! I think you figured yourself out:
“I think it is due to my own feelings of low self-worth. It really doesn’t have anything to do with my ex or who he is. I keep questioning it all because I think a big part of me thinks that he was right about me. Rejection and Devaluing were a constant during my childhood, so when he came along and did the same things, my soul believed that I was not lovable or good enough.”
sisterhood, this is a huge & healing insight. I can relate because it sounds like you’re describing me, lol! Bleh!!
This is chilling, Oxy. Ya really dodged a bullet, YAY!!!
“Well, his new marriage appears “happy” on the outside but I can guarantee you that poor woman has to say “I’m sorry” 100 x a day. “
G1S, I agree with you about the scamming. Also, the more I read about Ns & SPs and the stories people share here on LF, the more I see Ns & SPs as scam artists, con men, swindlers & grifters.
Dear Lord: please help us to keep these people AWAY from us. Amen.
Athena said:
“Who on earth calls THEMSELVES shallow and selfish? Somehow he kept me hooked. That’s what sociopaths do.
My ex KNEW he was a sociopath. He told me time and time again. I just couldn’t see it because I was too close.
I’ve been no contact for about a month now, and I swing between euphoria (and I find myself singing “ding dong the witch is dead, the wicked witch, the wicked witch!”) and sadness (the guy I thought was great actually wasn’t. Oh well).”
Yes, yes, yes. I relate to this. Congratulations on your month anniversary of NC!! Emerging from the damage the SPs inflict on us & scrapping their slime off of us, Bleh!!
Regarding prison, there’s a philosophical debate: is it a place to rehabilitate or a place to keep them away from the general public? Some can be rehabilitated, others cannot and how to tell the difference.
But, I think Ns & SPs are natural born con artists, whether or not they’ve been incarcerated.
clair: right, they are natural born con artists and some of the best! their skills shine. so we can’t be too hard on ourselves for falling for the ‘fantasies’ – the blame needs to be exactly where it should be…on them and their lack of caring and making the right choices.
Some can be rehabilitated and I believe more appropriately, those that aren’t ARE CHOOSING NOT TO BE. Cut that dead weight from your life and breathe and live. This life is MINE, not “ITS”.
Congratulations to ANYONE who has made that difficult, difficult, DIFFICULT decision and choice to go NC. It takes a lot to get there, I know. Keep it going; don’t sell yourself out. Remember who you are and your value and worth and keep on going…don’t look back; find a new life; new hobbies; new ‘attention getters’….new peace and hope and purpose…
Blessings to you all
Dupey
“Who on earth calls THEMSELVES shallow and selfish?”
Clair;
One can learn a lot about sociopaths from studying their own words. Here is a gem from my x-spath, posted on one of his online profiles:
Headline: “Looking for somebody good for me.”
Text: “Narcissist clones need not apply.”
I doubt he understands the essential narcissism of his headline…
BBE! That’s a keeper alright!
There were so many things my spath said that didn’t register. Just didn’t register!
“I’m shallow”!
“I am selfish”
“I think about you when I am going to bed”.
“I think about you when I wake up”.
(those two quotes are because that’s when he jacks off).
“I have nothing going on in my head.”
“I am afraid of being humiliated.”
“I don’t want people to know who I really am.”
“You’re too trusting”.
“I compartmentalize”.
Athena
G1S, part of the problem with prisons, too, is that many of the “keepers” (guards) are just as bad as the psychopaths….the reason there is so much contraband in prison is because the guards pick up pocket change for smuggling it in. My son had a cell phone for Gosh knows how long because some guard took money to smuggle it in. The consequences could have been fatal for someone if my son was running some kind of gang on the outside or if he was planning an escape….not long ago they caught a cell phone in Charlie manson’s hands, and in Texas a couple of years ago some convict on DEATH ROW called the Texas Senator in charge of the prison system to give him a cussing! They put the entire Texas system on lock down and searched every cell and found nearly 50 cell phones and all kinds of contraband.
Another inmate in some state had a web site and a face book page showing him with parties, booze and drugs in his cell….and it was not just a single instance either but multiple ones. I also have copies of photos taken inside my son’s cell and e mailed out.
The prison/parole system is totally horrible, with 25% being classed as psychopaths, and the average PCL-R being a score of 22, and 2 million people in prison, and another 5 million on parole or probation….yes, there are lots of psychopaths in the prison/criminal justice system, but it is NOT working as only 40% of them complete their parole without another crime.
Yet, with more locked up, the crime rate is actually dropping in most instances so keeping more of them off the street is HELPING at least with violent crime.
Wow, Oxy. I didn’t know all that. Thanks.