Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
slimone
Snow,
Skylar wrote in another thread: (a joke)
Yeah, maybe we need another book called:
Denial: The red flags of love fraud and why you’re too stupid to see them!
When I first read it it made me laugh so fast and hard I peed my pants a little!
woundlicker
Slimone- dang, did we have the same exspath?! You hit everything right on.
Snow- I, too, SOOO want Skylar to write a book for real. Where is this thread she wrote in? I love her insight and humor!! 🙂
slimone
Woundlicker…..could be. Though I bet this is a ruse many of the ‘groovier’ spaths use. ‘Spiritual’ abusers LOVE the mysterious language and ritual of the East- they can make up all kinds of stuff and nobody is the wiser!
Sky wrote that in one of the Red Flags of Love Fraud/book reviews. Hilarious!
I wish she would write a book too.
Slim
G1S
Know what I remember about my son’s P?
Wondering how I felt like he never touched me when we had sex.
One time he asked me if I wanted to make love. What a reaction from me. I was furious. I wanted to scream, “We don’t make love. We have sex.”
Louise
woundlicker:
That’s exactly how mine was…fast and selfish…about four seconds to be exact! You made a good point…mine also really had no idea how to please a woman…none. He also used some perversions…I won’t say what here, but he obviously has some hangups. He also said much later when we were no longer having sex, but staying in contact when I had mentioned to him that I had not orgasmed with him…he said “instruct me.” That told me right there that he really didn’t know what to do and needed to be instructed. Now, I do realize that ultimately it is up to us as women to take responsibility for our own pleasure…after all, all women are different and what works for one woman may not work for another woman so I can see where men may be at a loss to know what to do with one particular woman. I have read many times how it is our responsibility to let the man know what we want. And I have to confess…I did not do that. I am not sure why I didn’t, but I didn’t. I should have, but ultimately, I am sure it would not have made a difference. He still would have used me and moved on.
This also makes me wonder how sexually experienced he truly is. I may only THINK he is bedding all kind of women when in reality, he may not be doing as much of it as I think. I don’t know what to think.
Oh, and woundlicker…don’t EVER fake it. Not to make you feel bad, but that’s the worst thing any woman can do. I have said it before on LF so it’s not personal to you. If we do that, the man can never improve because he is already going to think he is great! Not that most of them can ever improve anyway because they don’t care, but you get my drift.
skylar
Slim and Woundlicker,
you guys made me feel better. I’ve been having a rough morning. And that was such a nice thing to say.
I did start a blog, but I don’t think most people here would like it. It’s a depressing blog. Maybe I’ll write some cheerful stuff soon, but right now I just write stuff about spaths and why they suck.
MiLo
Sky ~
I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time of it. I can cetainly understand why – spathy dream invasions – how dare he.
You always are there to help me and make me feel better, I wish I had some wise words, I just don’t know what to say. If you want to write a depressing blog right now, go ahead, we have all been there. I will read your stuff about spaths and why they suck, might even add some of my own thoughts to it.
Just wanted you to know, I so appreciate you –
Truthspeak
G1S, holy cow, that sounds like the second exspath. Shortly after an emergency surgery, I was soaking in the tub trying to relax, and he was laying in bed reading. He looked up and said, quite matter-of-factly, “Did you want sex?” I thought it was a VERY odd way to initiate lovemaking OR suggest it, though it came across rather humorous. In hindsight, it was his best shot at foreplay! LMAO!!!!
Who wrote up there about a horny monkey? LMAO!!! Earlier, I was weeping, and now I’m laughing at the references, here. LOL
No, there was never any interest in MY pleasure – only a hurry-up-and-lemme-get-off urgency. And, quite literally, it’s no wonder he was such an automaton. Given the imagery and activities that were appealing to him, only violence against women was appealing.
As a sort of off-topic, I undersand and accept that consenting adults have the right to engage in whatever sexual interests that they like, but does anyone have any insight into what causes a man to have such a dark, warped interest in sexual violence against women? I mean, HOW does someone begin their interests in that, anyway?
silvermoon
Sky,
Its a matter of fact that spaths suck.
Sometimes its hard to get past the how and why they got to us.
No matter how scientific we can be about what they are or how that happened, it feels pretty not good. (how’s that for a technical expression?).
The fact is that they intended to fool, take advantage and that they lied. Concensis seems to be that they weren’t all that great as lovers and lousy as friends.
So why do they haunt so much and why does that low feeling linger?
What if we said, “wow, that’s all too much to think about! What if we said, I think instead of thinking about the spath, I will take a walk and not think about them the whole time?”
If you were here, I’d drag you out around the block and get you to play kick the rock so you’d think about getting your aim and not tripping every time it was your turn.
What ever you can do to get refocused on something no matter how small and breathing during these tough days is a good thing. A tiny thing that in time will yield huge results.
Yes, its worth repeating over and over. And worth knowing it wasn’t your fault. You were targeted and fooled. It happened to a lot of us.
We can and you will, move past it.
Yeah, they suck and yep, they seem to haunt us. Its all we can say.
So, wanna go kick a rock?
skylar
Thank you Milo, it helps to hear your encouragement.
I don’t really know what’s wrong. Why am I suddenly dreaming of him so much? And why are those dreams about getting back together?
I know you were having trouble with spath-D lately too. I kind of thought that might happen after her arrest. Since she blames you for everything, it’s obviously you fault that she got arrested and you should pay for it.
I have had one new interesting insight about spaths which might be helpful if you can figure out how to apply it:
Spaths never attack unless it’s a surprise. It goes with the 180rule.
For a spath, the element of surprise is absolutely critical. It’s part of the “duper’s delight”. It’s also why they tell 180 lies, so that what you least expect is the truth. It’s like a comedian telling a joke, they set you up to expect one thing, and then they slip in the opposite thing. This is very funny to them, but it’s not usually funny to the victim.
So one way to derail them, once you know that they are spaths and that all spath do the same things, is to tell them that you already know what to expect. Or you could tell them that you expect them to do the opposite of what you want them to do.
This was partly what I wrote about on my blog 180rule.com