Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
SILVERMOON!!!! What a brilliant suggestion!!! And, here I’ve been so wrapped up in this negative focus, myself! GOOD suggestion… Redirect. As simply put as that: redirect.
Thanks, Silver – I know the response was for Skylar, but it really applies to me, right now!
Silvermoon,
you might be on to something. I’ve not exercised for several weeks and gained all my weight back.
When I say “not exercised” I mean literally barely moved.
Perhaps going out for a walk and kicking a rock down the street would help.
Hi Skylar,
Sorry your having a rough day.
I did not find your blog depressing at ALL!
It’s informative and well written.
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Pat yourself on the back and say ‘atta girl’
Thanks Ana,
I’m glad you found it interesting.
Though I think that all the research I did on shame may have been the trigger. Learning about shame made it impossible to be in denial any longer. I understand it too well. Now I have to do something about it. and I don’t know how.
Skylar, There is a book by Tom Bradshaw called,”Healing the Shame That Binds You”. It might be right up your ally. Google it and see. I think I’m gonna google it too, since it’s been a very long time since I read it.
sky – saying, ‘i don’t know how’ activates your wisdom and curiosity to find out how. being truthful and open to asking the question will move you forward. pray. all you need is the next step.
Kim Frederick, THAT’s the title! I’ve been saying it was “The Shame That Binds Us!” I read that book and it was a personal breakthrough for me. EXCELLENT.
Sky and Truthspeak et al,
At the end of the day, who cares if we figure them completely out?
During all that figurin’ we were thinking about them, not ourselves. We continue during that whole process being focused on the spath. Don’t they just love the attention?
And it is us who in turn are left to go seeking attention for ourselves by worrying about what they are doing to us and how they are affecting us when instead of putting ourselves first, we wind up asking someone else to do that for us.
Our expectations of the support we get from others becomes a fantasy of being rescued by a knight in shining armor until the next Artiste de Bull Shit comes along.
I think Kim’s write up on the 12 step understanding about how it all ties to ego and ego wants to be fed is spot on. Its on the other thread but, Kim, would you repost it here?
The legacy of the 12 steps is so powerful . It works when nothing else does. In it is a prescription for action.
Sometimes, we need to be doing. Not thinking only. Maybe there is a wisdom in the actions that are in the 12 steps because those actions aren’t about making it right or figuring it out for others, but for ourselves and making the decision over and over again to move forward and do it in a whole and healthy way. From baby steps to leaps and bounds and everything in between.
This is on my mind. What do you think?
My ex-spath used sex all the time as a way to control and manipulate me. At first sex did seem amazing and it was all about pleasing me – so much that he was into providing multiple orgasms and not climaxing himself – he told me that his pleasure came from “pleasing me”. Then after he knew I was hooked – he began to either have problems with erection or would stop half way into love making and tell me that I “move too much” or some other type of insult. Each time my self-esteem deteriorated a little more and I began to “try harder” to please him – gifts, $ when he needed it etc.. When it came to taking pleasure for himself he wanted sex with me in the car in broad daylight or public places – this from a 50+ year old man! There was no love – if I needed anything other than sex – he was never there for me.
In broad daylight? Wow. T