Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
Ooooo, the exspath I endured was a pervert! He was into pretend rape (would try to choke me, put his hand over my mouth, very demeaning stuff) and all the while I was wondering “Does he hate ALL women?” I knew he hated an awful lot of women especially his mom, but he said really inappropriate things about his own sister. Ew.
Sex was all about him from the very beginning, though. Nevrr about me. It was so tiresome i would think “Maybe if I play dead he’ll go away”. I faked orgasm so he’d hurry up and leave me the hell alone before he started humping my ear. I mean he was really that weird. No amount of candles, weird music, or fruit salad rubbed all over us (his stupid idea and can I say ouch! Fruit has acid, thanks idiot) would take my mind off the fact that I did not have fun having sex with him, because it isn’t making love.
I actually told him many times at first how to please me but he was so robotic it just wasn’t going to happen. He even kissed like a parrot (imagine a parrots stiff tongue trying to crack open a sunflower seed). So romantic…not!
Gosh, there just wasn’t a lot for me to be addicted to but I am reading “The New Codependency ” by Melody Beattie so I can focus on me and my issues instead of reading on sociopaths disorder.
Sky, I’m going to look up your blot tonight. I had a dream that the exspath was trying to get back together just so he could steal my watch and I woke up saying to myself, no spath- you’ve stolen enough of my time. Adios a-hole.
I agree with the concensus- they do not deserve anymore of our time. Go kick the sh*t out of that rock.
Skylar,
Sorry you’re feeling puny and a bit triggered. Listen Skylar you are a huge help to me…..you make me laugh, cry, and lightbulbs turn on above my head over your insights. I hope you can take these compliments into your heart and feel a bit lighter and loved.
Who knows why we have these sorts of dreams? I have had them too. 5 years out. In my dreams s-ex is NICE and has a heart he wants to give to me. It’s a dream.
Maybe this is the way our subconscious helps us have the feelings and experiences we wanted, but couldn’t have in ‘reality’. I don’t really know.
I remember having one of those lovey dreams and waking up and thinking ‘Oh, THAT is what it could have been like if he wasn’t mentally ill’. But it was NEVER like that in real life.
Seems like clarity comes in stages….
Hugs to you Skylar,
Slim
Hello,
I am writing hoping that someone will be able to help me as I have been involved with a man whose behavior is extremely strange and abnormal but yet I have had a hard time cutting all ties. This man is a local musician and is a interim worship leader at a local church. His spirituality is what drew me to him, however as time went on, he revealed a much sinister personality that has had everyone fooled.
The very first thing I noticed was his interest in only himself and what he wants in life and what God can do for him, very selfish and has irrational beliefs in himself (he believes that at 43 years old he can be a Christian artist and recieve a grammy, he displays no rational or mature thinking about his current status or future) As a matter of fact the first compliment I gave him after meeting him for the first time was shocking because after telling him that he was a great guitar player, his response was “I know”‘. He seems to have no tact and extremely narcisstic. When we were getting to know each other in the beginning, he shared with me facts about himself and things he had done with women that no one in their right mind would have shared, I should have ran away then. He has very little income as the church pays only minimal wages and he teaches a few students guitar lessons at a local music store. Out of the blue, he will say very hurtful things and respond with “Im just kidding”, some of the things he says are completely vile and disrespectful. If I am crying in front of him by something he says that is hurtful or something he has done that is hurtful, he sits beside me with a smirk on his face trying to hide a smile or even laugh. It is very scary and concerning, as it seems he is almost evil. He spends money foolishly and becomes obsessed with one project or interest after another. His personality changes like the wind, the most unpredictable person I have ever encountered.
When I threaten to leave the relationship or refuse to talk to him, he literally becomes obsessed with phone calls, texts and emails professing his love for me and that he wants to spend his life with me. In one day my phone recorded over 93 phone calls back to back, however the moment I give in and allow contact with him, he is back to treating me terrible immediately. He has never spent money on me for any type of gift or act of love but instead encourages me to buy him very expensive things. He has no interest in my personal life or even inquires about anything in my life. He is not a loving or affection person with me, however he can grab his lapdog and love on it and kiss it as if its his baby. I also found out that although he is not affectionate, he is very perverse and sexual, however once his needs are met, he completely ignores me. He is not a comapssionate person either, he makes fun of older people in his church, and refers to his church as “Bob Hope” instead of the church’s name of New Hope.
One evening after presenting me with an engagement ring and asking me to marry him, 7 days later I caught him in a bar with a strange woman at 3 am with his hands all over her legs. I have tried to confide his beahvior to others for their own opinion, however he has gone out of his way to do damage control and everyone thinks that he is this perfect Godly man. His behavior is unethical and abnormal, he believes that he does nothing wrong and its everyone elses fault. He also believes that God speaks to him through dreams and tells him that hes special. These few examples along with his glib attitude and detachment of human feelings, compassion or interest have me wondering what exactly is wrong with him, its obviously a mental disorder or several combined. He has even went as far as to stalk me and follow me at different places but yet really doesnt want me. Its so confusing and very hurtful, his control and strange behavior has left me completely drained both physically and emotionally. Have I described a sociopath in your opinion?
Thank you for any help or advice you can give me
singmodel…. YES. You describe a sociopath very well.
What’s in it for you?
Why is it hard for you to leave?
(those are not meant as criticism… just questions). Maybe you go to this church, too, so this is your community? That can make it harder to leave.
I have not heard a single thing in there of what you might be getting out of it “best lover ever” or “I really love him” or “he can be so kind sometimes” or “I feel sorry for him and don’t want to let him down suddenly — he needs me” — what is the hook for you? You said his spirituality drew you to him but now you see it differently.
What would happen if you left the relationship? What would it take, what are the consequences to you? what are the hooks keeping you involved? Has he threatened you in any way?
Lots of questions. You asked for advice/help. I would say, this man sounds like he is no good for anyone, the way you describe him. I would suggest retreating as safely and gracefully as you can.
Dear Singmodel,
This man is displaying very pronounced narcissistic behavior and is also displaying the RED FLAGS of false “love”
I suggest that you keep on reading here, because unless you get away and stay away from this man (no matter how many times he texts you and tries to get you back) your life will be miserable.
He is not “just kidding” when he says hurtful things and then smirks, he is enjoying your pain.
Donna andersen has just published a great book on the 10 RED FLAGS OF LOVE FRAUD, I suggest that you get it and read it, it seems he has ALL THE RED FLAGS and I suggest that you RUN not walk away from this man.
There are also many helpful articles here on LoveFraud. this man is a fake.
He has as much chance of winning a grammy as I do of flapping my arms and flying to the moon. God bless.
Silvermoon,
you said, “who cares if we figure them completely out?”
Figuring them out has been the key to figuring me out, thus far. For 43 years I thought everyone was normal!
We are enmeshed on this earth with many, many spaths, not just the ones we lived with. Figuring them out, for me, has been about being able to spot the next one and being able to see the psychopathology in systems, governments, cultures and beliefs – and being able to see what I’ve been doing wrong.
Maybe other people have the luxury of being able to discern pathology by their guts, by the revulsion they feel in it’s presence, but those of us raised by paths are at a disadvantage there. It seems normal.
Then of course there is the cultural “norm” of narcissism that we all wallow in and don’t smell. Even if we could smell it, where would we run to?
I know it’s time to let go trying to fix things and trust. There are days I can do it and then days like today. When I think of how hard it is for me to change, I see how impossible it is for a spath, who is much deeper in denial than even I am. It’s sad.
Woundlicker
yes mine was into pretend rape too. You don’t even want to know what he did. Later I found out that he was constantly asking his friend to get him date rape drugs from Mexico.
I love your dream interpretation – it’s perfect.
Slim,
thank you for your love, I can feel it through the internet. You have a beautiful heart, it comes through.
I didn’t go for a walk. I fell asleep.
Singmodel,
This man wants power over you. He envies you and what you have and he is intent in taking it. Please run away before you end up feeling sad and lost, disempowered and only a fraction of the person you used to be. Read the stories here and take them to heart. I hope that our stories can save others. No one is immune.
Skylar, I love your blog! Depressing, no. Eye-opening, definitely. Hmmm, maybe a top ten list of the most repulsive traits of the exspath is in order.
I’ll start:
TOP TEN REPULSIVE EXSPATH TRAITS
10. He snored like a grizzly bear who just ate a lumberjack.
skylar:
Where is your blog?
Sky,
Key points.
Your day wasn’t so different from mine…
Sometimes its hard. Whether you are thinking about spaths or not.
But, tough days aren’t just about spaths. Or the way you were raised. Sometimes, they are just tough.
Some days are the days that “try men’s souls” – or are they all like that?
I can see you a few narcisissts, some vicious alcoholics, A wicked bipolar stepmother and raise you a serious psychopath.
Believe me, I ‘ve been there. And am still doing that.
A couple of years down the road it isn’t about the spath or any of that other stuff. Its about me.
What I need to do that I am resistant to, what I want to do that there are barriers in front of and what I choose to do because I want to and I can.
How much can you do in a day, really? And what is ok to be expected of you?
Are you allowed to get tired and slow down? Are you free to choose to just blow it off?
There are so many of these little decisions we’ve made without thinking about them.
Should we start?
Hell with it Sky. My brain’s gonna explode! Let’s kick a rock up to where we can see the sunset, take a deep breath and move on.
Maybe the calvalry isn’t coming in for a rescue, but maybe making a little progress at a time, we’ll get through tomorrow. Maybe a lot less drama but a lot more normal.
What say you?
skylar:
Never mind…I read your post again and found it.