Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
skylar:
That’s so horrible. I hate people sometimes. How can they be so cruel? I’m sorry 🙁
It’s a bit difficult to write about this topic because sex and power is the only thing that my relationship with my ex-spath boils down to. The sadness of it all is that I didn’t see it until I was completely in love with him. The sex was amazing and I was treated so well in the beginning. But then little weird things would begin to happen while having sex with him.
The first strange thing I noticed was a technique he was using on me. I had never experienced it before and he had let me know it was something he read about. It was some sort of Native American thing that helped a woman orgasm. It seems so funny now, but I did find it strange at the time that he was reading up on how to make me orgasm. It was like he was determined to figure out how to do it for me. It was something he had to conquer. It had NOTHING to do with pleasing me. It had to do with him being the one who could make me orgasm. His ego was surely at work.
Another time we were having sex, he pulled out a beer bottle and wanted to use it on me. I thought it really weird and was a bit uneasy because I thought the bottle was dirty and would cause an infection. He assured me that it was alright and I went along with it because I thought we were experimenting. I thought I could trust him because I was the woman he lusted after for so long and the woman he supposedly loved.
It turns out that these examples along with others were just so he could put a notch on his bed post. He used these intimate experiences as “check the box” things he could tell his buddies he did. I was unknowingly used by him for sex and ultimately for his image as an alpha male.
The humiliation I still feel sometimes can be overwhelming. I mean, I was so convinced that he loved me. That I was his one true love. Come to find out that I meant nothing more to him than a means to an end for his image.
It is so disgusting and I still struggle with the hurt so many years later. The heartlessness of it all…a total waste of my love and I didn’t even know it.
((sisterhood))
I’m sorry. I definitely understand.
I heard through the grapevine that my exspath bragged about meeting a young girl at a bus stop and teaching her how to orgasm. Don’t know if it’s true, but the spath doesn’t ride the bus, so why was he at a bus stop?
Sisterhood, I can feel your pain. I’m having trouble even knowing what I want to say. I’m so sorry. Experiences like yours are the ones that I feel have harmed me the most….nothing quite like that, but the attendant feelings of humiliation, degradation and betrayal. It makes me feel physically ill, and is probably the reason I can’t even imagine having sex at this point in my life.
Anybody ever cried after sex?
Skylar,
Consult a sleep doctor. Your sleep problems may not be what you think. Apnea and CIrcadian Rhythm Disorders are both very affective and not mutually exclusive either. YOu may have a predisposition to CRD if you have the genetics for Bipolar disorder in the family history.
You are looking for a Neurologist with a specialty in Sleep Disorders and may find one in the Pulmonary section at your hospital. If not, check with the National Sleep Foundation.
Sleep messes with your head as much or more than bad parents or lousy relationships.
Sisterhood, ack…..bless your heart, the first exspath was like that, as well. But, he referred to porn all of the time LONG before it was so readily available in the privacy of one’s own home.
We end up trusting them, and they turn that trust – such a priceless human commodity – into a tool and weapon that they use (with impugnity) against us, on EVERY level.
What’s the first couple of things that a conquering nation does to the vanquished nation? They take away their religious/spiritual beliefs, THEN they rape and kill.
Exspath used beer bottles on HIMSELF.
And towards the end I was crying during and after sex. He treated me worse than an enemy. But he treated trash of the earth like they were glorious gifts from God.
It took a while to understand that, but after reading on lovefraud I found out about how they mirror and mimic us. It was far easier for him to mirror other trash so he preffered them and exalted them.
I had many nightmares last night again as well. The ex spath comes and goes in my subconscious sleep. It doesn’t seem fair that they leave us with this torment, but I wouldn’t go back to that death sentence of a relationshit for NOTHING. I have lost all my friends but one, I have gained 30 pounds, but I am aware now. I know now. I am on the right path.
Thank you all at LF for getting me this far. 🙂
6. Exspath used beer bottles on himself.
.( I recently witnessed someone withhold pleasure by when you complimented him for his guitar playing he just would stop.SiCK)Sadly, my ex was a with holder of pleasure And we barely had sex. After many Sadistic 60-90 minute sessions, I had tears,teres in my vagina. My therapist told me, I should set the ground rules of 30 minutes tops, and yes foreplay is necessarily.
He was brutal in Bed the other man I was with for 3 years was an excellent lover. A true pleasure giver, but I was like 20 many years ago. I am frightened even after a year to ever seek out pleasure again.
Oh Kathy, please don’t give up on that part of your life. I used to think sex would never be pleasurable or loving anymore either. I was at the point in my life that I would pick a papercut over sex. But we’ve had partners in our lives that made love to us, and that will come again with time and healing.
Don’t let that maggot who abused you destroy your natural need for true love, real affection, respect, and intimacy.
I’m starting to see that spath’s use sex to kill us emotionally. All the gaslighting and deception, the cheating and theft, it all adds to the horrible affects that sex with them has left on us. Having a sexual experience with a spath ends up being detrimental, not wonderful like initially presented.
Don’t let the puke win. Get your groove back Kathy. Go Kathy! 🙂