Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
There is a flip-side to this. My sociopath ex-husband was just as you said … “The best” initially … and then, NOTHING! I have always had a high libido, and after being with my sociopath initially, I was SO addicted to him. That’s when he “cut me off”. I lived with him for 10 years with nothing.
I wish I could describe how painful that was. Every day he told me that he loved me, and in public, he would even hold my hand … but the caring, the intimacy, the love and lovemaking ended.
Now I am embarrassed to admit that I was reduced to begging. I loved him SO much and he just refused to show me any affection whatsoever.
Eventually, I had to stop sleeping in the same bed because my desire and his rejection were too much to bear.
After 10 years of NOTHING, not even hope at that point, I had an affair (which I am NOT proud of). I was so starved emotionally, that I had met my limit.
Just leave it to a sociopath to use that against you. Yeah. The last time he and I spoke, he said “How would YOU like it if rumors said that I was sleeping with the neighbor lady?” I told him this:
“I really don’t care if you’re poking the checkout girl at the supermarket or sharing yourself with the entire block! If that’s what you want, knock yourself out! You’re obviously never going to have sex with ME again! Go ahead and screw whoever makes you happy!!”
Of course, I didn’t know that he had been having sex with my teenage daughter for several years.
It’s a good thing I didn’t know he was having sex with my daughter at that moment and that I didn’t have a weapon close-by.
Obviously, I will be avoiding that State for eternity … before I become the next contestant on the TV series “snapped”.
Sex was great till we said I DO. then it got demanding humiliating, scary and he could no longer keep from having an orgasm first. Of course that was my fault because i was so tense and tired. I was a failure as a wife. I remember that movie with Natalie Wood ‘I’m Dancing as fast as I can’.
That’s what I felt like all the time. One time he forced me to have sex in an open field during hunting season. I felt like there were hunters all around us watching. He insisted no we were alone, but it was in a field owned by a neighbor. Why that place? Why out in the open instead of a secluded area? Another time he invited a swinger couple over for a get together. He never told me till years later. during the evening he got up and went to bed suddenly. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t know what to say to them. I just kept chatting with them till I got so tired, I had to tell them to leave. Then several years later my husband told me he had hoped I would be drawn into a sexual relationship with them and finally not be so frigid.He said it so matter of factly during a relaxing moment down by his parents lake. We were alone and he felt free to be himself. He should have just kicked me in the gut.It would have been more humane.
wise,
so sorry that you had to join us here but I think you’re going to like it anyway.
Your story was a bit like mine. Perversion was the word of the day on most days.
They need to do these outrageous things because they can’t find comfort in normal loving behavior.
We don’t need all that, yet we do it to make them happy. And then it doesn’t. Nothing makes them happy. They are in hell. It’s very sad for them, but not our responsibility.
I hope you can take this time to learn about you and what you need to make YOU happy. When the spath turns your world upside down, it’s an opportunity to get a new perspective.
Too Late,
I just noticed your post as well.
It’s not an affair when you cheat on a cheater who is cheating with your daughter. It’s something else entirely.
I tried to leave my spath several times in 25 years. I always found a new BF to get my mind off of him, but it never worked because I always thought he was human. They aren’t.
When a person gets you to commit under false pretenses and then… (well there are no words for what they do, are there?) they betray us throughout the entire commitment, how can you even consider what you did “an affair”?.
Your intuition was guiding you, trying to get you free from the monster.
Just watching a movie (teen-movie) called Gossip… A movie to watch
It’s about 3 students who start a social project by starting a rumor about a girl having had sex with her bf at a party, even though the girl claims to want to wait until marriage. The girl remembers passing out during making out and accuses her bf from raping her.
But then one of the three students who started the rumor finds out that one of her fellow mates who helped start it actually knows the girl, used to be her bf in HS, and was accused of raping her.
Typical spath masks and lies, but then the story evolves into a backspath (a bit over the top though). But might be great scene-material for HS and college lectures for Donna.
Sisterhood
I’m so sorry that you’re in pain. I do understand it. My story does align with yours. Can I share a piece?
My spath was a wonderful sex partner. Mind blowing. But it kept getting more and more audacious. Public places, in the car, whatever, he had to make it more and more crazy to get his rocks off. He was using me. He didn’t love me.
He re-married his ex wife. He doesn’t sleep with her. He lies to her constantly. He doesn’t love her either. He has a huge paycheck and saves it all, living off her paycheck only.
So what skylar said is true. A spath is a spath. They are that 100% of the time. They use, control, and maniulate people, just in different ways that are suitable to that person.
When you have a normal relationship, you know it. There isn’t the excitement and drama that there is with a spath. There is give and take, recipriocity, and balance.
I too keep finding myself wondering, was he a spath or just disturbed? Somebody was on this site recently and she said, this is the only guy where I googled “i think my boyfriend is a sociopath”. Those could have been my words, and your words too.
Your ex is bad for you. I can’t make a clinical diagnosis, but the fact that you are here and you’re in pain makes things pretty clear, no?
Hugs. Thank you for being here today.
Athena
Thank you so much, Athena. I am so grateful that I have a place where I can share my pain and actually be understood.
I feel like a broken record all the time with being stuck on how I feel he treats his wife well and I was the only one he treated like shit. I have been told time and time again that it’s not true, but I can’t help but be confused as to why his marriage appears to be so normal. I understand that I would be the last person to be made aware of any “problems” in their marriage.
It seems like most people on here have at least some knowledge of their ex’s lives now. They seem to know at least some dishonest or creepy things about the current relationship their ex-spath is in.
My ex spath has been married to this woman for years now. And for years, they have done things that any “normal” married couple has done. They had carreers, got married, bought a home and had babies. They are both involved in the community and everyone seems to love them and regard them as a cute little family. They really do seem happy.
This is where I am stuck. I have been stuck on this for 4 years now. I’m getting tired of being stuck. My thinking is that it isn’t so much that he has a madonna/whore complex. I think it is he was so consumed with building up his image that he used me one way and he is using his wife another way. But I really don’t believe that he is cruel to her sexually. I don’t think he would dare to treat her with any perversion. I can never be sure if he gets his kicks outside the marriage or if he is faithful and just enjoying his success at maintaining the image of a great family man and successful career man. Remember, it is all about image for him and now that he has the perfect image, I don’t think he wants to do anything to mess that up.
A long time ago when he made it clear that he was with her, I asked him if he loved her and he wouldn’t answer the question. He would just repeat that he was with her now. So that kind of makes me think that it’s not about love for him. He absolutely made it clear that I wasn’t good enough for his life and that his wife is just perfect.
Here I go around and around again, and I need to stop obsessing but this is the only place I can really vent. I don’t know why I need confirmation so badly that he is a spath. Maybe I’m still blaming myself and believing all of the character flaws he pointed out constantly. I intellectually understand all of the clinical terms like projection, gaslighting, and slander by proxy. But emotionally, I am at a loss.
I am rambling on and on because I had a horrible dream about my ex spath last night. In my dream, I was seeking him out to start an affair with him. I told him that we could meet once a month for the rest of our lives and that deep in my heart I truly love him with all of my being. I missed so much making love to him. In the dream I remembered the feeling of being rejected by him again. He was in the dominant position emotionally . This is kind of a recurring dream with different variations. When I woke up, I was so frustrated and disappointed in myself. I was just stating on a different post how great I feel in my healing journey. Now this set back…I’m sad about it and want to know what I’m supposed to learn from these dreams.
He has been out of my life for so many years. This is just craziness.
sisterhood,
It only looks perfect on the outside. My ex-spath and I both looked happy on the outside too. He used me for credibility and status with his village. While he never really stopped doing his routines, it still seemed to them that he was ‘calmer’ when I was around and was making an ‘effort’. Even his other Belgian ex, who thought of him as a total jerk and bad man, started to doubt her former opinion, because she saw him act attentive and loving to me in a way he never had acted to her. She too thought he finally loved at least one person in his life. Meanwhile I seemed to bask and shine with love. To me though, even his ‘calmer’ self was exhausting and frustrating and ruinous. I just didn’t recognize it at the time. Only later did I realize it had always been a sham, because of a few things I learned that had happened behind my back during a time I was convinced he at least had been in love with me. That’s how I realized it had all been a mask.
I understand how hurtful it is to have been used by a parasite for other reasons than status and reputation. But in the end, we all end up feeling used. It’s the main reason I wanted to destroy his borrowed rep afterwards again.
Both your expressed doubts and your dream point out that you do not yet believe or have enough evidence in your mind that he’s a spath to everyone. If you were to research beyond the veneer of his life, you’d find the evidence though.
the sisterhood:
I’m so sorry. I obsess all the time, too so I could relate to your post. It’s so hard. It’s been two years for me and I still have all the same feelings you do.
I agree with darwinsmom that it only looks perfect from the outside. Really. Nothing is perfect and especially with a person like that. It’s only a facade…just keep telling yourself that…repeat it over and over and eventually you will believe it.
Sometimes I think the spaths are so miserable…they TRY to make things work and so it looks to the outside world like things are kosher, but it’s not. You even said he wouldn’t answer you when you asked him if he loved her…I think that was your answer and the answer is no.
Sisterhood, big hugs to you. What you feel may be the core of the marriage is just that: a feeling, and not a fact. My first marriage was horribly abusive and included spousal rape, etc….when one “friend” learned of the impending divorce, she said, “But, you guys were always laughing! I thought YOU were the Perfect Couple!” Well, what she didn’t get (and, never did) was that the desperate scrabbling to present the “normal” facade was based upon humor. If there was laughter, there were no beatings.
Bottom line: the guy is trash and he’s trashed your life for long enough.