Many, many people who were romantically involved with sociopaths have told me that the sex was amazing. Earth-moving. The best they ever had. At least, that’s how it was in the beginning, while the sociopath was still reeling them in.
The targets thought this amazing sex was proof of the real connection between themselves and the sociopath, proof that the two of them were wildly, deeply in love.
The truth is that sociopaths are incapable of love. Oh, they’re capable of feeling attraction. And they’re capable of proclaiming love, very convincingly (especially when they’re looking for sex). But they are not capable of genuine concern for another person’s welfare, which is a key component of real love.
So what do sociopaths really want from romantic relationships? Power, control and sex. Often, power and control are more important than sex.
What’s more, some sociopaths find power and control to be sexually exciting.
I experienced this with my sociopathic ex-husband, although I didn’t realize it until long after our marriage was over. When we disagreed, I generally lost, because he was much better at arguing than I was. Of course, he was not interested in coming to a mutually agreeable solution. He just wanted to win, but I didn’t know that at the time.
After the fight, when I had capitulated, my husband wanted sex. At the time, I thought we were making up after arguing. Now, I realize that he had gotten a charge out of exerting power and control over me, and it was a turn-on.
A Lovefraud reader told me that the sociopath she was involved with became sexually excited when she was angry. He demanded sex, and engaging in it when the woman didn’t really want to probably enhanced his sense of power.
Sex with a sociopath isn’t about sharing intimacy or building a connection. It’s about their personal physical release. Or, it’s a means to an end. Sociopaths know that if they can hook their targets sexually, they have a better chance of getting what they want—money, a place to live, or perhaps simply entertainment.
In the end, sex, for a sociopath, is just about domination.
Sisterhood
I get your pain. I got myself access to some things in my spath’s personal life and so I *DO* have visibility to his marriage.
What I will say is this. This guy cheated on his wife to be with you, right?
When the Newt stuff was all over the papers, somebody in the NYTimes said, “somebody should tell Calista that when a man marries his mistress, he creates a job opening.”.
Never, ever forget that.
Athena
Athena, he is a cheater that’s for sure. But I have to say we were together before he got married. She is the one he rejected me for. Before me, he cheated on his previous girlfriend with many women, including me. This was done all for the sake of impressing his friends. I have no idea if he cheated on me or not. He always denied it when I would ask, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t. I just don’t have proof.
All I know is that I could never trust him when I was with him because I remembered all the girls he slept with behind his former girlfriends back. That and the fact that he only wanted to see me when it was convenient for him. If I ever surprised him with a visit, he would just blow up and make me out to be an obsessed, controlling, psycho girlfriend. He just didn’t want me around unless it suited some purpose for him. Towards the end of the relationship he was always crawling out of his skin when we were alone together. He would always make it that we were rarely alone together. He made sure at least one friend was always around. I never understood why he didn’t just break up with me if he couldn’t stand to be with me. I was the one who had to break up with him.
I think of the book, “He’s Just Not That Into You”, and that describes my roller coaster experience with my ex. I fell into all the dumb things desperate girls do to keep a boyfriend. I just couldn’t believe or accept that he didn’t love me. Not after all of the love bombing and incredible declarations of one true love for me. it was like a light switched when I finally professed my love for him. Right then and there, he became distant and cold. Was he afraid of the intimacy? or was he just pissed that I made him choose between me and his former girlfriend?
He would ask all of his friends which one of us he should be with. He would even hold up pictures to the ones who didn’t know us and ask which one he should pick. What is the insanity on my part is that he actually told me all of this in the beginning and I didn’t run for the hills. I thought that since he was being so open and “honest” about his confusion, that I should just give him a chance and be there for him because it was hard for him. I know, very pathetic. I was played like a fiddle.
Now you take all of this and add on the emotional abuse, his explosive anger towards anything he found annoying about me, his using me for his sexual kicks, his slandering me to his friends and family, his friends slandering me (slander by proxy) AND a situation where he pretty much date raped me in front of his friends, I would say that is why I am still dealing with the fallout of this completely dysfunctional relationship some 15 years later.
He made me out to be the nutcase, obsessed ex while he got away looking like the victim and the good guy.
On top of all of that, I know he was raised in a really screwed up environment where his father was continually having sex with his half sister while his mother was out grocery shopping. He would hear everything. He even found naked pictures of his sister. But he even managed to convince everyone that I was the one with the white trash screwed up family (which isn’t that far off -but still) He also had that kind of family. His father was a total perverted creep who took advantage of women and teenage girls. I strongly believe that he is his father’s son.
So after all of this, I get back to my original sticking point. How can he hold it together so nicely now? I know I have my answer and thanks to you and the others for all of their input and kind help. I guess this is just one thing that i am going to have to let go of and chalk it up to life not being fair and that I got the short end of the stick with him even though I didn’t deserve it.
Thanks for reading my very long post. It helped to get it out.
sisterhood,
That’s a very hurtful story. What a total ass!!!!! Holding up picks of whom to choose?!!! That was such a tell of him when he told you that! As for his “friends”, sounds like they’re not the crowd to want to impress.
He can hold it together, because of the manipulation and the mask as long as his wife provides what he picked her for. It’s not love though.
Sisterhood, my god but he’s a horrible Thing! I agree with Darwinsmom – the picture-choosing-ceremony was utterly demeaning to you and the other poor unfortunate!
Although he appears to be holding it together, he will not and cannot maintain his choice of lifestyle, forever. He’s aging, you see. When they begin to age, they realize that they have to try a bit harder to land their quarry – each year that goes by is another degree of difficulty that he’ll have to manage and it is compounded exponentially for male AND female sociopaths because they cannot STAY YOUNG, no matter how much cosmetic surgery they get, no matter how much Grecian Formula they apply, or how many supplements they take.
He cannot experience the true nature of “love,” Sisterhood. He can’t. He’s incapable of it and he will never, ever, EVER be able to experience it – not ever. And, there needs to be a huge measure of pity for his wife. Regardless of how he’s described her, she’s a victim as well, even if she’s playing the same game.
Hugs…
Truthspeak:
Great post to the sisterhood!! You have hit it spot on. You are a good encourager.
The one thing that jumped out for me from the sisterhood’s post is how I don’t want to accept it that he never cared. It’s so hard to accept he didn’t love me after he said he did, blah.
What you said about them getting older is soooo true. I can just “feel” it with my spath. He will be 45 in June so he is starting down that hill. He still looks good, but it’s not going to last forever and I can almost bet he is feeling it. Thanks for the reminder! 🙂
Louise, I am having a very, very difficult time accepting and processing that fact, as well: he never DID care because he CAN’T.
Older, yes……and the older that they get, the harder they have to work their scams.
Truthspeak:
Amen to that. When I look at it that way, it makes it easier for me. If he CAN’T, that takes it away from me…makes me realize that it’s not because I did something wrong, but because HE can’t really love. It’s when I forget that and think that he’s a normal human being that I fall. I have to keep this thought in the forefront.
Yes! No one wants an old man scamming on them…eewwww…
You all have been so wonderful. Thank you for the support and encouragement. Really facing the truth of what happened, I mean really facing it hurts but is so helpful in moving forward. I have no delusions that he ever loved me. I am completely clear of that fact now. It was just when I was with him and directly after our breakup that I couldn’t face the truth. I ran from it and shoved it deep down inside.
Over the last four years, I have been able to piece together all of the missing puzzle pieces. The only piece left remaining (and I think it’s just about fit in) is the fact that I somehow believe that he loves his wife. I know this is not true in my head, but my emotional side is having a tough time with this. I think it is due to my own feelings of low self-worth. It really doesn’t have anything to do with my ex or who he is. I keep questioning it all because I think a big part of me thinks that he was right about me. Rejection and Devaluing were a constant during my childhood, so when he came along and did the same things, my soul believed that I was not lovable or good enough.
That is some heavy stuff to work through. I am doing the work but there are times I backslide and need the extra outside support.
Thank you all for giving that to me. It means more than you know.
I disagree that it is more difficult to scam when one is older.
There are plenty of instances of criminals learning from their mistakes and developing more sophisticated techniques and ruses as their criminal careers progress.
I don’t know the statistics, but it seems to me that many of the very visible, high publicity scam artists are older, not because their scams are no longer working, but because of the breadth and complexity of their scams.
A younger scam artist wouldn’t have the knowledge, experience, and contacts to do what the older scammers can do.
Sisterhood,
The guy I went with after my husband died was divorced. his wife of 32 years had caught him cheating (she had suspected for years!) and tossed his sorry arse out. He had a whole HAREM of women he cheated with and each one wanted him to leave his wife and marry her. Some were married some single and some of these women he had had long-standing affairs with for years and years but always said “No, I can never leave sue” Well sue caught him and tossed him out, so he started looking for another “respectable” wife to cheat on. He didn’ t want to marry any of his girlfriends, but a respectable woman. He was so impressed with how “respectable” I was in my community and how everyone knew me. I didn’t understand at the time why he was so impressed with that. LOL Later I did.
When I finally realized he was 1) cheating on me and 2) a secret drinker and 3) a liar I tossed him. Thank goodness it was before I married him.
His marriage to his wife had looked so “normal and happy” on the out side, but on the inside it was totally unhappy for her at least. I talked to her after I tossed him and she said “I haven’t had to say “I’m sorry” in six months and it is wonderful” LOL I knew what she meant he always had to be RIGHT.
Well, his new marriage appears “happy” on the outside but I can guarantee you that poor woman has to say “I’m sorry” 100 x a day. I feel sorry for her because I know how he treats her and it isn’t nice.