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By December 9, 2008 50 Comments Read More →

Something’s Not Right Here…

Have you experienced something that felt all wrong, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it so you dismissed it? It could be a small detail, but feels important, really important, and your mind is telling you that it just doesn’t add up or make sense so the best thing to do is let it go. Whatever the conflict, our common sense is not able to reconcile the problem or rationalize what it means. Often times, the reason is, what we are seeing is so frightening that we don’t want to know the truth.

This was my experience with my father and it happened a lot. His behavior was raising flags, big ones that I can see now, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing or feeling so I would re direct my attention to something else that would make that feeling go away.

My parents were divorced when I was just a kid (4 or 5, I think) and my father destroyed my Mom in court. This was 40+ years ago and he got custody of us kids (3), which at the time was unheard of. My Mom was an alcoholic and never fully recovered from the divorce. When I was 12 years old she called me one night drunk and was basically saying goodbye to me. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing, but I came to realize that she was trying to commit suicide.

I went to my father and begged him to take me to her, but he didn’t want to be bothered. I was crying hysterically and he finally agreed to take me to her apartment. Once we got there he refused to get out of the car. I banged on the door and she did not answer. After several attempts I took a small towel from my Father’s car, wrapped it around my fist and broke the jalacy windows in her door to enter her apartment. She was barely awake and heavily drugged from a combination of Valium and alcohol. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance.

Oddly enough, the most disturbing part of that night was my father’s behavior. He simply didn’t care. At the time I think I rationalized that it was because he didn’t love my mom and he was a tough guy, stuff like that. I actually looked up to my Dad because he was so “tough”. He always taught me that that was an important quality for successful men, but this was different and didn’t feel right, even understanding that philosophy. My Mom was trying to kill herself and he didn’t bother to get out of the car to help and showed little or no emotion when I asked him to help. It wasn’t his problem. As I write this, it just struck me for the first time that maybe the reason he didn’t want to help was that he wanted her to die that night.

That “something’s not right here” feeling or thought was not how he reacted to my Mom, but me. I can see it now, but then, I didn’t like the thought of my father being so cold that he could watch me deal with that and not care about what it was doing to me. I guess I tried to rationalize that thought and couldn’t make sense of it, so I went back to the tough guy explanation and dismissed it. I mean really, if I connected the dots the truth was not an explanation I was ready to accept at that time. The truth was my Dad didn’t feel anything and didn’t care. This was an inconvenience and he was pissed because he had to deal with the situation.

The question that I dismissed was “why didn’t dad help me and why didn’t he understand how difficult this was for me?” I was extremely scared and confused. Either he really didn’t care or he couldn’t relate to what I was feeling. I needed him badly at this time and he was completely disconnected. I didn’t like the answer so I dismissed the question and tried to believe that I misunderstood his behavior. I would go as far as to begin to remember events like this differently and blame myself for having these weird thoughts.

The truth was that my father didn’t care because he was not capable of relating to the feelings I was having. As a sociopath, he was incapable of feeling what I was feeling so he didn’t care. He did have the ability to mimic these behaviors when he felt necessary, but rarely when he was mad and that night he was mad.

Looking back that was a very lonely night for me. I was in the presence of both my parents, but deep down I think I knew how alone I really was. Nope, I wasn’t ready for the truth, it was easier to just believe that I misunderstood my Dad’s behavior and everything would be ok. Dad loved me, he was just angry and everything will be fine when we get back home I told myself.

Well, everything didn’t turn out fine. My dad was a con man that would turn to murder as a serial killer later in life and this was just a small glimpse of his soul. There were many others (glimpses) like this, but we tend to overlook them because they just don’t make sense. Or even worse, we sense the truth, but can’t or are not willing to deal with it.

Writing about these events has been a very good experience. It brings things to light that I might otherwise overlook. Someone once told me that it was like exposing undeveloped film to light. Once I do this it no longer holds power over me. Thanks for reading it.

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50 Comments on "Something’s Not Right Here…"

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Travis: What you wrote is true, and you did it so beautifully.

When I went through the horror story with my bosses, I kept praying to God, don’t leave me, please be there for me, please don’t leave God. He was there for me. I never thought that I could be arrogant enough to ask God to end this soon … so I kept praying “please God, be there for me, be there for me … “. Then one day I was so exhausted and frustrated and I said “God, when is this going to end?”. And it did. Just like that.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaa. I should have prayed that it ended at the beginning. Oh well, live and learn.

Even today, the bigger mess with my EX rolled up in all of this … I prayed to God that he could use my life anyway he wanted … that I knew it was for something bigger than me …and who was I to judge what he’s doing.

It’s all of God’s time frame, not ours.

Peace.

Dear TRavis,

Very very eloquently put! A great testimony for your strength and for your faith. My psychopaths did their best to turn me away from my faith, and sometimes in my pain I felt very alone, until I too started to read the Bible with “new eyes.”

I began to see great wisdom in the stories of the Bible that I “knew by heart” and yet didn’t see the real “every day life” messages in them, until I looked at them in a new way.

This whole thing, all the pain, and all the grief, all the losses, have given me a new lease on faith–a deeper and wider faith.

ONe of the especially good books I read was one by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who spent time in the ultimate psychopathic torture, in the Nazi prison camps for years. His book, “Man’s search for Meaning” is a testement to to the spirituality of mankind and the finding of meaning in suffering as well as joy!

I would rather have faith, and “wake up” dead and realize that there is no god, rather than go through life without faith, and then after death go “Uh OH! I was wrong!” LOL

Speaking of murder–something sure ISN’T RIGHT here. I watched Dateline tonight about the Casey Anthony investigation about her little girl’s “disappearance”–BTW it looks like they may have found Calley’s body today near her mother’s and grandparents’ home. The body they found had duct tape around the mouth.

Since I don’t usually watch any TV much less follow it daily, I haven’t heard all of the “evidence” recovered and released to the media so far, but they did play the audio of most of Casey’s “help” in finding her daughter–like taking the police to a place she didn’t work and saying she worked there—DUH? Then to “explain the lie” she said she thought that Calley might be there because the place was “familiar to her”–the cop asked her how the baby would get there—take a CAB?

This woman in my opinion is so TYPICAL SCOTT-PETERSON-LIKE about this whole thing that it is unbelievable. Also apparently they found chloroform in the back of her parent’s car that she drove that had decomposed human flesh in it, and hair that had apparently fallen from a decomposing body that was either the baby’s or hers, and since Casey isn’t decomposing, I guess best shot is it is the child’s.

Casey’s Computer had googled “chloroform” before the disappearance of the baby, and also “breaking necks”–DUH? They found chloroform in the back of the car as well.

What amazed me though, is that her parents are so “supportive” of Casey and are hiring investigators to prove her innocence. GIVE ME A BREAK. Believe me, I “went crazy” with grief when I knew the evidence of my son’s crime of murder, and knew he did it, but denial on that scale (the parents’) is unbelievable even for me.

I feel for those people, I hurt for them, because to know your child is a murderer, a monster, is probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through, but I never doubted that he was guilty. Even when he lied and lied and lied I never doubted. Even when I wanted to believe he was innocent so bad I couldn’t eat for the entire two weeks before her body was finally found.

Casey’s story now, after all the bizarre lies, ” is that someone was out to get her and took the baby by force and all her lies were to “protect” the baby, and her parents.”

The decomposing smell of human flesh, and her mother reported this to 911 and her father’s interview (he used to be a cop) said “you never forget that smell” (he’s right about that!)

I bleed for these parents, having people cursing them in their front yard, at least I never had to go through that, to go through the entire country hating me, hating my son. Only one family and a few cops hated us. Yet, Casey’s family is so deep in denial over this horrible thing, so unable to cope with the truth, which is too painful to swallow even in tiny bites.

How is a jury going to do anything but give Casey a “not guilty by reason of mental defect?” (insanity?) I don’t think any one except someone who had dealt with a REAL PSYCHOPATH can even comprehend what Casey Anthony is, if she is the one who killed her child.

The Scott Peterson situation was bizarre enough, and he behaved pretty typically for a psychopath, as Casey Anthony appears (from what the media reports) to be also, but how can a “jury of her peers” think that the woman knew right from wrong, but didn’t care? The police reported that she had no signs of being a “worried mother” and videos of her shopping with her boyfriend for videos a day after the baby “disappeared” seemed to confirm this.

Even before the National Enquirer comes out, I predict she will get off on an insanity defense.

Cast not your Pearls before Swine!
Ask and you shall Recieve **( Be Very Carefull What you ask for because You Will Get It )**
Knock and the Door will be opened!
Seek and you shall Find!
You reap what you Sow!

Revenge is a Dish best served COLD!
Vengence is MINE says the Lord!

I think for me Justice will not be in this life! For my psyco , for all the sHarade , Despite apperences ! he is miserable ! I find it sad and Pray for him ! LOVE JJ

Oxy: Larry King Live interviewed the grandparents of little Casey the other night. Within that interview the mother was asked about her precious daughter. She said, and I’m choking back tears … don’t quote me … but her statement was “… Casey was the most important THING in my life”. Thing? A non object THING.

I’ve been praying for this little soul for months now. I didn’t want to blog this, but I felt I needed to. I’m pushing back tears flooding my eyes as I type.

Peace.

Though it actually makes my blood boil (Blub, blub, blub) AT the grandparents, at the same time, I hurt for them. What pain they must be in for them to be so ENABLING of their daughter’s behavior.

Some of the early stuff and I can’t even remember what it was now made me think that the grandmother was a controlling enabler (maybe a borderline herself) I guess it was her making Casey keep the baby when she wanted to put her up for adoption.

Casey was living in their house and just “left for 30 days” and they weren’t all that worried until they got a call about the CAR? They had their daughter and granddaughter living in the house with them and they didn’t KNOW the daughter didn’t have a job? At the very least, this is the POSTER FAMILY FOR DYSFUNCTION.

I will still BET THE FARM that she gets off for an “insanity” plea when it all comes out, because I don’t think there is a jury in the world that would “get it” that she killed her little girl cause she is a psychopath. The tape around the mouth of the little girl’s body, and the chloroform in the car, and the googled chloroform on her computer seem to indicate that it is PREMEDITATED MURDER, not just done in a rage.

I am so sorry that poor little child had to die, but at the same time, she may be better off than growing up in that household. There ARE worse things than death.

Oxy: I don’t know about the parents … but their daughter needs to take responsibility for her actions. Period. Remember Susan Smith?

This so-called selfish mother needs life in prison too, just like Susan Smith got. Enough of the insanity pleas with these attorneys wasting the tax payers money. We know you people are sharp, but how do you sleep at night knowing you did your duty to the best of your ability for your clients! What about the rest of us in society that has to deal with you doing your jobs?

Who cares anyways if you have your mental faculties or not? Go straight to prison or a state mental institution (if there are any of these still open??) for the rest of your natural life. Just get them off the streets.

Period!

I don’t know about other states, but Arkansas has a State Hospital for the Criminally insane, it is called Rogers Hall, and is on the Little Rock Campus of University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, where I got my degrees. I did a stint there when I was in school, and it is pretty grim, set up like a prison, but with psych “care” of a sort.

The man who killed my cousin when I was about 8 years old was housed there. He escaped once, but was returned eventually, and then he was let out when he was an old man with TB that he caught there and died in the community. His widow, quite elderly now, still lives in the community. She always reminded me of a little dog that had been cast out on the highway and kicked by everyone who passed by. I used to see her in church from time to time.

Yea, I had forgotten about the Susan Smith thing, but they definitely came up with a MOTIVE on her as her new BF didn’t want kids. I hope that this Anthony gal (assuming she did it) gets life without parole–to me that is worse punishment than the death penalty. Let her live in “gen pop” with the BIG psychopaths, she will get her fill of “exciteent”

And remember Diane Downs and what she did. I just did a post about her and what she is doing today as she comes up/came up for parole:

http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/12/case-series-narcissistic-psychopath-or.html

After having watched my ex’s family up close for over two decades, I have some understanding of the grandparents’ actions in the Casey Anthony case. It just reeks of the same sort of “family narcissism” that my ex’s folks displayed.

Even when the evidence is overwhelming against a family member, these people will defy logic, facts and simple human decency. They will do or say anything to defend the guilty party, because he or she is “one of them.” There really are people out there who live and breathe for this intangible thing, “the family name.”

My ex’s mother went to her death defending her son even as he slowly killed her. He would leave her alone for weeks at a time, never calling or checking on her. He would refuse to buy her groceries. (Had I not brought her food, she would have starved to death.) When she fell and broke a shoulder, he left her alone for 17 days after. When I turned him in for elder abuse and the state came to investigate, she lied to them and told them her son checked on her twice a day.

So the Anthonys probably don’t care that their psychopath daughter is guilty of murder. The only fact that matters to them is she is THEIR daughter. And because THEY are clearly superior and blameless, so must she be.

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