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By December 9, 2008 50 Comments Read More →

Something’s Not Right Here…

Have you experienced something that felt all wrong, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it so you dismissed it? It could be a small detail, but feels important, really important, and your mind is telling you that it just doesn’t add up or make sense so the best thing to do is let it go. Whatever the conflict, our common sense is not able to reconcile the problem or rationalize what it means. Often times, the reason is, what we are seeing is so frightening that we don’t want to know the truth.

This was my experience with my father and it happened a lot. His behavior was raising flags, big ones that I can see now, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing or feeling so I would re direct my attention to something else that would make that feeling go away.

My parents were divorced when I was just a kid (4 or 5, I think) and my father destroyed my Mom in court. This was 40+ years ago and he got custody of us kids (3), which at the time was unheard of. My Mom was an alcoholic and never fully recovered from the divorce. When I was 12 years old she called me one night drunk and was basically saying goodbye to me. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing, but I came to realize that she was trying to commit suicide.

I went to my father and begged him to take me to her, but he didn’t want to be bothered. I was crying hysterically and he finally agreed to take me to her apartment. Once we got there he refused to get out of the car. I banged on the door and she did not answer. After several attempts I took a small towel from my Father’s car, wrapped it around my fist and broke the jalacy windows in her door to enter her apartment. She was barely awake and heavily drugged from a combination of Valium and alcohol. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance.

Oddly enough, the most disturbing part of that night was my father’s behavior. He simply didn’t care. At the time I think I rationalized that it was because he didn’t love my mom and he was a tough guy, stuff like that. I actually looked up to my Dad because he was so “tough”. He always taught me that that was an important quality for successful men, but this was different and didn’t feel right, even understanding that philosophy. My Mom was trying to kill herself and he didn’t bother to get out of the car to help and showed little or no emotion when I asked him to help. It wasn’t his problem. As I write this, it just struck me for the first time that maybe the reason he didn’t want to help was that he wanted her to die that night.

That “something’s not right here” feeling or thought was not how he reacted to my Mom, but me. I can see it now, but then, I didn’t like the thought of my father being so cold that he could watch me deal with that and not care about what it was doing to me. I guess I tried to rationalize that thought and couldn’t make sense of it, so I went back to the tough guy explanation and dismissed it. I mean really, if I connected the dots the truth was not an explanation I was ready to accept at that time. The truth was my Dad didn’t feel anything and didn’t care. This was an inconvenience and he was pissed because he had to deal with the situation.

The question that I dismissed was “why didn’t dad help me and why didn’t he understand how difficult this was for me?” I was extremely scared and confused. Either he really didn’t care or he couldn’t relate to what I was feeling. I needed him badly at this time and he was completely disconnected. I didn’t like the answer so I dismissed the question and tried to believe that I misunderstood his behavior. I would go as far as to begin to remember events like this differently and blame myself for having these weird thoughts.

The truth was that my father didn’t care because he was not capable of relating to the feelings I was having. As a sociopath, he was incapable of feeling what I was feeling so he didn’t care. He did have the ability to mimic these behaviors when he felt necessary, but rarely when he was mad and that night he was mad.

Looking back that was a very lonely night for me. I was in the presence of both my parents, but deep down I think I knew how alone I really was. Nope, I wasn’t ready for the truth, it was easier to just believe that I misunderstood my Dad’s behavior and everything would be ok. Dad loved me, he was just angry and everything will be fine when we get back home I told myself.

Well, everything didn’t turn out fine. My dad was a con man that would turn to murder as a serial killer later in life and this was just a small glimpse of his soul. There were many others (glimpses) like this, but we tend to overlook them because they just don’t make sense. Or even worse, we sense the truth, but can’t or are not willing to deal with it.

Writing about these events has been a very good experience. It brings things to light that I might otherwise overlook. Someone once told me that it was like exposing undeveloped film to light. Once I do this it no longer holds power over me. Thanks for reading it.

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50 Comments on "Something’s Not Right Here…"

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Isn’t that typical that the sociopath gets custody of the children. They are so good at their cons even in court. He was a seriel killer for gods sake. I don’t know the whole story of your mother Travis, but I have great compassion for her. If she had any idea what type of man your father was, it must have really hurt her that he got custody out of fear for you guys. It would just kill me if that happened. Not to mention she was devalued and discarded coldly by him. I am thankful for my lawyer. Thus far I have stayed out of custody court with his help. He is telling me everything I should do to look “good” with the courts if that day (god forbid) ever comes. And I am doing everything he suggests!

Dear Bird,

I am glad to see that you are still here reading, and that you are doing so well. Give my Baby Birdie a big squeeze from “Aunty Oxy” who prays for him every day, and sends postive thoughts to you and him.

Travis, yes, it is amazing how we can “put the spin” on our memories and make them into something that they were not at the time. Looking back at these memories in the “light of day” and realizing that we have “colorized” them to meet our needs rather than seeing them for what they were is in a way scary to me. I have lived this “memory fantasy” for far too long.

We explain away the abuse and the uncaring parents. My P bio-father got custody of his other three children when he beat their mother so hard on the back of the head that he blacked both her eyes. She was not a citizen of the US and she fled back to her native country and left her children in his grasp. I know that must have been a heart wrenching thing for her to do, but at the same time, I do understand the fear she had if she had stayed or tried to get custody of them.

My father was also a killer, at least two I know of, but he claims others, and I don’t doubt that he would have killed her if she had fought him. My oldest half brother was terrified of him, because once when “daddie dearest” called him he didn’t run fast enough to the summons and DD grabbed him by the stomach so hard that he left a hand print in a bruise that lasted for weeks.

Justice is not always in our courts or our laws, and too many times the “stronger” one wins, no matter what the RIGHT thing is. I am glad that your father is on death row, I am glad that my P-son is in prison. I hope neither of them ever get out.

I just mailed a letter to the warden of my son’s prison a couple of days ago, informing him and enclosing a letter from my son to my mother, that indicates that my son has access to a cell phone to call her with. At first I worried about my son finding ot that I was the one who “ratted him out” but now I am looking at things a little different, I did request the warden to not tell him, but if he does let my son know, or my son guesses that I turned him in, so what? If he doesn’t know is he going to love me more? Is he going to quit wanting me dead? NOPE. So no matter what happens he will not be appeased if he doesn’t know I turned him in, and while he may be madder at me, he’s already wanting me dead, planning my death, so what’s it going to hurt if he hates me a bit more? By hopefully keeping him away from access to a cell phone at least for a while, I might be able to keep him from that resource to plan my demise.

Oxy and Travis: Like I’ve written before, God Bless both of you for having to endure a parental figure as a child that lived in their BIG egos … but, and there is always a but, you did do everything in your power to love them … So what you made excuses for them for years or you took the blame. You did what you were suppose to do. That was love them to your best of your ability. When you no longer could tolerate their erratic behaviors, no longer could keep the blinders on, no longer turn the other cheek … is when you had to put your feet down…. and the rest is history.

I commend both … like I’ve told you before for keeping your heads on so firmly. You are both credit to all of those that have to endure the likes of your relatives.

God Bless both of you. I am in awe of both of your spiritual strengths.

Peace.

You have a gift in your ability to know, even now, that “something’s not right.”

I have a friend who is an energy healer. He pointed out that when we move from the pre-verbal stage into verbalization — at about two or three years old — we start to explain things to ourselves in words, and we start to lose the essential trust of the moment. As we “explain” the “not right” to ourselves, we cut ourselves off from the truth. For you — and I understand this all too well — the impossible truth was that your father really did not care in any way at all, and that your mother was so distraught that she was gone as well. It’s “better,” easier on our belief systems, if we tell ourselves lies to try to match this impossibility into some fictional “reality” that we can tolerate. So without trying to lie, we use our words to lie to ourselves, and so we set ourselves up to accept the lies that are told to us later.

And notice, sometimes we can only survive through believing the lies. One of my sayings is, “False hope is better than no hope.”

But what we need is real hope. And that only comes out of knowing the truth and integrating that into our reality.

I believe that we have access to the major TRUTH when we can acknowledge our body responses, our “gut feel,” our “heart,” and our “head,” all together. If we stay stuck in words and inner explanations, we’re only accessing what our brain knows.

You know the tickle on the back of your neck? The roiling in your guts? the chill at the lower end of your spine? That’s the rest of your intelligence — your body intelligence — trying to get through to you. And if you’ve given your verbally driven brain the sovereign rule in your life, you’ve cut yourself off from what you need to know to defend against these predators.

Check out Steve’s blog on exploitation, and look at “Quest’s” comments. Quest knows how to trust his body-knowledge, because he learned to read people outside of language.

It’s kinda funny that while you were posting this article, I was having a talk with a relative about one of those “something doesn’t feel right” people in our lives. We were comparing notes about each of our private “eureka” moments concerning a particular P in our lives.

It was one of those rare times when two adults comparing notes really did clinch the diagnosis. I know this relative to be so rational, so honest and so loving that there is no possible way she could be lying or that her memories could be colored by hatred. We’ve got a very clever P in our midst.

As she talked abut her childhood experiences with the P, my heart went out to her. No wonder she had seemed so angry when we were young. She was dealing with evil, while I was living in a far more benign fantasy world.

Like everyone here, we marveled at the Ps remarkable ability to throw up successful smoke screens, confuse honest people and drive their targets stark staring nuts! They do win in court. They do find allies anywhere and everywhere. They do perpetuate property crimes against people who can not or will not prosecute.

As I look back on 27 years of watching the P’s targets act irrational, hostile, and downright stupid, I realize I was blind. It was her, not them, but I never understood what was going on right before my eyes.

For nearly 3 decades I sat there scratching my head and thinking “something’s not right, but I can’t quite put my finger on it!”

It took me awhile to realize that the result of my relationship with this S/P was that i gave up my good intuition and when things didn’t seem right I let them roll off my back. Even friends had said to me “you don’t take shit from anyone, why him?” I didn’t know why. One of the things I did that helped me to heal in the aftermath is to write things down. So one day I wrote a list of all of the red flags from the day I met him, including the things he told me from day one that turned out to be lies. To my own amazement I filled four written pages.

The first day I met him he topld me he wasn’t married. Yet weeks later when I asked for his home number he told me he had no privacy. His younger daughter (20 at the time) was in and out and he didn’t get his kids involved in his personal life (which turned out to be the exact opposite. He later told them every intimate detail and got off on the explicitness. He asked them for advice…again a control issue with them to keep them tied to him with seemingly importantness). All these things should have hit me like a ton of bricks…..but he spun everything in such a responsible light that made sense to me, being a responsible adult. Then would say something like “You really shouldn’t allow men to call your home. it’s not good for your kids.” (creating some embarrassment for me and being the consientious person I was…..fell into all this).

This is one simple example of something not feeling right and twisting reality but it became worse. The lies were worse. The stories were bizarre. The more i questioned him the more he discarded and dismissed and punished me, until the verbal and emotional abuse was unbearable. It came by way of him abusing me and then his adult daughter abusing and manipulating me.

I read an article recently that helped me to understand how this can happen to me or anyone. I have an advanced degree and a good job. I am not stupid, yet I came to rely on the words of this individual who, in some ways, I didn’t REALLY believe in the beginning. i didn’t understand why it hurt so much when I finally told him to get lost. It still hurts a year later. I am attaching the article I read although most of you seem quite educated in psychology issues. I have read a lot this past year and have learned a tremendous amount about sociopathy/psychopathy. I am still learning.

http://skepdic.com/cognitivedissonance.html

This helped me to understand how strong people can be deceived and roped in by sociopaths. I was one of them. There were SO MANY things that didn’t seem right, even in his relationship with is daughters. What i thought was jealousy was fear of his inability to control. Yet i spent SO MUCH time trying to convince him that I didn’t do the things he said. i didn’t cheat. I didn’t flirt. I wasn’t sleeping with people at work. Why did I work so hard when I KNEW THE TRUTH. I had nothing to prove to him. But I spent so much time tryng to please him that I almost lost myself.

Travis,

Thank you so much for sharing that! I spent over 30 years w/ my ex-N and would even say to our friends, “do you think there is something wrong with me or is it him?” I had one friend tell me AFTER I left that years before her husband had told her he thought that one of “our friends” was in an abusive relationship, and she immediately thought of me. But noone ever told ME this!! I was stupid to not see it, but I had lived w/ an abusive mom, and then married at 18 to an abusive man. I never knew any differently, and since he never “gave me any stitches or broke any bones” (this is what I told my counselor when I first started going…) I didn’t classify him as abusive! But I always knew there was something terribly wrong in my gut.

He had zero empathy for anyone and that included his children. We were all possessions to him, only to show off or brag about. Or to make him furious if we stood in his way. My one daughter made the cheerleading team of a professional indoor football team, and before he had always degraded her cheerleading as if it wasn’t a sport. She over heard him bragging about her and it made her so mad. She said, “mom he never talks to ME about it, never asks me about it, and is not interesed in it, but he brags to friends.” She was disgusted by him.

As I read these blogs and realize the truly horrendous things some of you have gone through, my hearts prayers and thoughts go out to you. You’re survivors that now help others that are coming to grips w/ whatever their hell has been.

(As a side-note, when I left after 32 years I didn’t know how I would do. Would I be depressed, scared to be alone, would I make it? I was so scared!!! I did great!!! My little apartment was my peaceful safest of havens. I would be at work and think about going HOME! Home is a wonderful place now. I recently bought a little doll-house (not an actual doll-house, but my own little home, it seems like a doll-house to me:) and I have two wonderful cats that share it with me. I see my kids and grand-kids all the time and I’m the most blessed of people. God IS good!!!)

Take care everyone, and keep the faith!

Oh, also, Travis, could you expound on your thoughts that you began to

“remember events differently and blame yourself for having the weird thoughts”? I

relate to this somehow, but I have to think about it more.

Thanks!

Daisy
You Made Me Grin from ear to ear! Thanks! I am so Happy for you ! Does’nt It feel Fabulous to be Free! LOVE JJ

Indigoblue

Yes! It is wonderful to be free. and be at peace with the world. It’s been almost 3 years since I left. I’m officially divorced since May. I’m total NC and since my kids are grown there’s never a reason to talk to him. I’m still mulling over years of stuff, but at least I have a wonderful home to do it in. I’m just sittin in my relcliner watching it snow out. It’s so pretty!

I’m glad I made you grin:)

[what I thought was jealousy was his inability to control] thanks for that – it makes so much sense NOW!!!!!

Daisy
I’m in my board shorts it’s getting to 85 today and sunny:)~ LOVE JJ

Henry,

It seems to me now that so many of his emotions i ASSUMED were a result of “normal” feelings and I realize now that wasn’t the case. He behaved in a way that appeared to be jealousy but when I think now of his blown out of propotion and unreasonable response, it was about trying to control me. He appealed to every good, consientious, loyal, truthful part of my being by trying to affect me in a way that brought out guilt, empathy, persistence……. HE WAS THE ONE DOING ALL THE THINGS HE ACCUSED ME OF. And I realize now that what I thought was jealousy was his rage in being unable to control me, particularly at work. So he accused me of sleeping with people when I took vendors out to lunch. if I didn’t answer my cell immediately he would call up ot 12 times and the messages got worse and worse, accusing me of being with men and sleeping with them. I found out later than when he said he was traveling to see his daughters or at work he was at trashy bars picking up women.

What I thought was love was his fear of losing me to someone deserving. i think he kknew he was in way over his head with all the lies and stories and didn’t deserve me. (I don’t mean to sound arrogant) But I think you can relate.

Noting I thought that he felt was a real emotion. I believe it is all driven by fear of losing, fear of being rejected, fear of lacking control, and he did it in a way that appealed to my deepest fears….. abandonment (which is normal for anyone), appearing irresponsible, losing friendships, losing respect…. hence his campaign to bash me to friends and family. He is a LOSER in so many ways.

Dear Travis

Thank you! this posting is so Bang-On! This puts into words my entire childhood. My N mother and S father behaved in ways that were so confusing to me as a child. I grew up doing exactly what you describe. Explaining it away as something I was too young, stupid, or weak to comprehend. I was always certain the truth of the situation was a decent one. I just needed more information to understand it.

Now that I’ve enforced a voluntary isolation on myself – no contact with either parent, and no running from my pain into a relationship with a man that would most likely turn out to be a N/P or S (given my pattern) – I can see more clearly. I know that some small part of me knew “something wasn’t right”. Just like you’ve written. I’m only recently discovering this about myself so it’s such a huge a-ha moment for me!

As a child I tried going to other adults I trusted. I’d explain just enough of a particular situation. I wanted a “grown-up” take on what was happening to me. I’d been raised to believe that all adults should be obeyed and respected. Unfortunately, I never came across anyone who understood what actually was going on. I was told time and again to “be a good girl”. Do what you’re told.

I spent most of my life learning to take any of those glimmers that “something isn’t right” and shoving them away. I learned that I REALLY WAS too young, confused, weak or stupid to get it. That learned behavior resulted in the mess I became. Perpetual target for predators. A-HA!!!!!!

I checked out your site on dontdatehimgirl.com and felt impelled to write.

I have had a series of bad relationships but I truly feel that I have met satan in person.

I met my sociopath in Summer of 2007. It was a summer cruise and there he was this handsome, charming, genuine seeming man. He was neatly dressed in white and was on the cruise alone. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but I was drawn to his good looks and staggering way. I must mention that there were also a lot of other women who wanted to be in his company that summer night as well.

The first four months were perfect. I got flowers, candies, cards and taped I loves you on cassette. These messages on cassette would be timely place on top of soft playing music in the background. I though God had been awarding me for all the failed relationships I have had in my 33 years of life.

Well my life took a turn for the worse, my daughter killed her boyfriend. This man of armour came to my rescue. He was the spokesperson for me with the media, met all of my family, friends and was loved by all. My family members were jealous that I had what seemed to be a piece of heaven. He went to court with me, visit my dauighter in prison and then asked me to marry him. I was on cloud nine. Soon after we got pregnant, we found out we were having a boy and both of us were excited. We moved in together and combined all of our finances. We had a beautiful condo and combined our families. We both had children from previous relationships.

There were red flags but I was so in love, I did not see any wrong in this man. He was perfect to me. The sex stopped, he lost his job, and he started treating me like used goods. I started paying all the bills and taking care of all the children. My bills were being delayed because I didn’t make enough to pay everything. He moved his schizophrenic mother in the house and that was yet another responsibility (I didn’t know he was receiving social security for her). I started demanding that he help me out and he started to sleep out. He would give excuses that he was in the hospital and was too out of it to give me the information. When I doubted what he said, he cursed me out. Here I am left with his mother, his kids, and all the bills I started to lose it.

I will never forget the day when I went into his bank account and took 1/2 his social security money to pay for bills and he went into a violent rage that could have easily landed me in the hospital. He said he didn’t love me from that point on. He said we can stay in the condo but can no longer be a couple. I was miserable. I tried to stay thinking he would change his mind and that never happened so I left.

He was so happy that I left 6 months pregnant that he immediately crossed my name off the mailbox and continued to live rent free in the condo that was in my name. He told his children that he didn’t know why I left but they were better off without me. He told them that I was crazy and that I was stealing from their piggy bank and that I killed their hamster. He even called the police to tell them that to secure that I would not be able to come back to condo that was in my name.

Now with my credit rating down the hole, the leasing company taking me to court for $12000 and unpaid utilities I was ruined. Six months after the fact, I was able to get him out of my condo and turn it over to leasing co. I am trying to pick up the pieces in this new financial place of dispair in which I have never been before.

Our beautiful son was born three months ago but since my sociopath left to a wife of 15 years that I never knew about, I never seen him again. He also fathered 6 other kids he never mentioned out in the world that he also didn’t care for. His wife who never met me and wasn’t there to see me and him in action is so defensive over him and has attacked me as well. She says things like he only used me while she was mad at him and that he hates me and my baby. She even tried to get me arrested for harassing him. The authorities stated to her that the sociopath needs to make complaint to family court if there is a problem. He has to ask courts for an order of protection. The only communication we have is through court. He has been moving around to avoid being served with court proceedings for paternity. When I did try to contact him it was only to ask him to care for his son financially but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want to hear from me at all, not even to be served with court papers.

This is only the short version of the actual story but hopefully you catch my drift.

I am in therapy and working on picking up the pieces but I almost took my own life because I thought this was all my fault and I couldn’t move past that point. When I started reading sites like yours and coming back to myself I realize that this man is sick and he did me a favour by disappearing. I don’t want to teach my son to be like him so I give him so much love and pray that GOd has provided him with my heart, emotions, and empathy.

For More details; my website is (please feel free to visit me there):
http://www.whenyoucryicry.com

keeping_faith – yep I relate to many of your statements. Jealousy was inability too control. And his fear of losing me to someone more deserving. I never wanted to say that cause it does sound arrogant – but when we would argue he would never say ‘i am sorry’ or ‘i love you’ he would say ‘but I don’t want to lose you’ that always left me feeling like ‘what do you mean you don’t want to lose me?’ the roof over your head? the food in the fridge? lose his acess to my computer? Tell me something, anything to convince me, it is ME you don’t want to lose – not what I provide you~~!! There was nothing genuine about his emotion’s – he could say I love you with as much emotion as a burp – he did tell me one time ( I think the only truth he ever told me)’ I am not good with emotion’s, I have always been fucked up about that.’ Those thing’s should come natural not be feigned or imitated. I guess he did know something was wrong with him, for a brief second but went right back to doing the only thing he knew how to do and that is survive. I guess all things happen to us for a reason. I still am torn up about the whole mess with him. I go back and forth with myself ‘did i love him or not?’ I really think I did in the beginning, but when you lose respect and trust and loyalty, love kinda dissapears and you are just like them, trying to survive something you have never experienced. And the longer you hold on to hope, the deeper you go into the place they had planned for you at the beginning. Like Escaped has had to remind me several time’s – we were literaly at death’s door. Fortunatly I had no money for him to continue his plot – so in the bitter end he left and when his mask came off the very last day ‘he looked at me like a stranger’ and said ‘ I HAVE BEEN MISERABLE EVER SINCE I CAME HERE’ I said well finally you have spoke the truth..I thot to myself well ok he is gone now – I will be me again – wrong – never never never did I expect to go down into this place of confusion – and it’s more than devalue and discard – it’s ok what am I going to do with this lesson – and how will I ever forgive myself for trying to love and care for such a loser?

Henry
I will always Love Chris because it is Chris I fell in LOVE with ! Not the P ! The P is his only way he knows how to survive ! From the start! From Birth ! even if He inherited the syndrome , the Parenting he got was miserable at best! His mother was a striper and his father was not there at all ! Hi s multiple step fathers where all losers ! one of them Molested him around the age of 8 to 10 ! His mother is a wacked out golddigger and is on 8 or 9 husbands! she does’nt work she is a mooch as well as a S! So you can see why I felt for him ! But it is their own choice to continue this destructive behavior! They Know Whats Right and Wrong they know what they do to people they just DON’T care! They see that every anti -relationship they get into ends in Chaos! And they Enjoy that control! Like they are a god! they don’t stop! we where nothing than the latest toy! Good until we ran out of worth or till we had given every ounce and where spent! no more important than a ciggarett BUTT! LOVE JJ

Janetf,
Your story sounds like something out of a soap opera. I can’t imagine how crushed you are. I read somewhere on here that sociopaths hang out on places like cruise ships where there are single women. (Note to self: don’t ever go on a cruise). Congratulations on your son, and I imagine you’ve read all the articles here about raising at-risk children. I hope you don’t give this evil monster one more minute of your life to toy with your feelings. Your life is worth so much more than that. I, too, was suicidal, after I found out the man I was dating was a sociopath and the bizarre break-up was actually a “discard”. Today, 5 months after the fact, I had a routine physical and asked for every STD test they could do, including HIV. This really brought home the incredible risk I took letting this person become so close so quickly. We are members of a very elite club of people who have looked evil in the eye and slept with it in our beds. Aren’t we all special?

Travis, Keeping_faith, & Janetf,
Your words rang so true to me, it’s almost scary, like having someone you’ve never even met write your life story, knowing more about your life than even yourself knows. I remember things the ex s. said when I’m here on the site reading. One is that he said quite a few times he was afraid of dying alone, & another is all the times he accused me of sleeping around, cheating, etc. If I were to sit down & make a list of all the red flags I should have seen, I’m sure I would end up with quite a list, too. I so wanted to believe he loved me as much as I loved him, almost to the extent of committing suicide after realizing everything that once was me, was lost. The road to recovery is indeed long, & very painful. And very lonely, too, as most people don’t even know the definition of an s.
Thank you for keeping the posts coming, & helping all of us to survive another day.

Hey Indigo – i love the Mike that exsisted in my mind – the Mike he knew that I wanted him to be – i miss that – what he pretended to be – what he really is makes me feel sick – how can I love that? Mind f–k~~~~!!!

Hi Keeping the Faith:
I went through exactly what you did..the control…the dominance. My ex would call me at work 10 times a day and if I did not answer right away accuse me of talking to guys at work. He actually would pick me up at times from the office just to scope the place out. He was extremely jealous and always accused me of looking at men..and cheating. One of the lowest things he did was to accuse me of getting the job I was at was because the boss who hired me wanted to sleep with me…nevermind my qualifications or hard work to have a real career. I had to pass a clothes inspection everyday when I came home. God I hated that. Either my pants were too tight or my jackets weren’t long enough to cover my butt or my blouse wasn’t buttoned up to the neck enough. I was even timed as to how long it took me to leave the office to the doorstep of my house. Control..control..control. He was so worried I’d meet a hard working normal guy at work who would take me away. I couldn’t leave the house without him being with me…but once he felt comfortable enough that he had his grips on me, HE would leave the house alone and go out and cheat. What a SH…Head.

I was nothing but a mealticket. .a free ride…a housemaid…servant, etc.

Boy, I’m glad I’m out of it. I wonder how the current victim is hanging in there. I heard she is unattractive so maybe that works for him….he can rest assure no one else would want her (God forgive me for that comment…meow!)

Iwonder,
I swear our exes were clones or something. He could wear a pair of pants & rip the a– end out of them at work, & not care that his underwear was hangin’ out. But, oh boy, let me try to wear a pair of jeans with the pockets stating to tear a little (with my shirt tucked in, no less), & all hell would break loose! I was accused of being a slut, cheating, the whole 9 yards. I, too was timed when going to & from work, running errands, everywhere I went. Then he started taking me to work everyday (he was in between one of the 15 jobs he had while we were married), so he wouldn’t have to worry about me driving alone at night. How thoughtful of him, so he could drive my car to go sleep with his GF, while I was working 40-50 hours a week just to pay the bills. OMG what a creep!

Sstiles54:
Ditto. When I first met this guy, he drove me to work in my car and picked me up…that was control. In the end, he quit his job and was out of work 3 months while I worked my butt off and went to school 2 nights a week. Guess where he was for those 3 months?? With the OW..romancing her in the F’n car I paid for. He had a real problem with me wanting to go to school. That was a fight..but I went anyway. I had a goal to get my insurance licenses and I explained it was only for 2 months…he couldn’t deal. I finally ran out of money to support him and his son at the end of those 3 months. The week before I discovered the OW he got a new job. I basically tossed his ass out without a dime and took back the car. This OW was in the shadows the entire 2 years..so…in my opinion, she deserves to be driven back and forth to her jobs (I hear she has 2,) in her car and to pay $$$ to keep him! LOL!! It’s been 7 months now and he still does not have a car. She’s probably getting the picture now, isn’t she??? Gee, I’ll bet he said terrible things about me to her too. I’m such a horrible person you know. This guy lived with me 2 years and quit his job 2 times. He got me fired from a great job due to his jealousy. Since I was out of work, he also quit his job. He explained we should take a break…Uhm…what it was really that he didn’t want me to have anytime out of his sight..that’s why he really quit. I floated us for 6 months. Then said enough and got a better job…which he hated and despised me for. He said sarcastically that I was too good to work at Walmart. Well, Walmart couldn’t support his lifestyle now could it?? LOL!

sStiles, did your ex call you a whore? Mine did! I know LIG experienced this same thing: He spit in my face..like twice it happened. Did yours do that too?

You know, the more I think about the jealousy, I realize not only was the ex jealous of the possibility another guy may come along, but he was jealous of ME. Because I had a better job, I could support myself and I am more intellegent. It made him feel inferior…even though I NEVER put him down about anything. I was always supportive and loving and told him I didn’t care what he did for a living. This was not good for a control freak…his EGO got to him. He always said he felt as though he were competing with another man. I guess it didn’t help matters me showing off my handyman skills either…like putting in a storm door by myself, tearing out the kitchen floor, cutting moldings with a cool miter saw I bought, etc. He never helped with anything. All he did was show up and enjoy the free ride. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A SUCKER.

I think mine was pissed because I always had a better paying job than he did- he even tried 15 different jobs (maybe trying to get lucky hehehe), & yes, he was quite talented at the name calling. He never did anything too physically harming to me, grabbed me few times hard enough to leave hand prints on my arm, or block a doorway so I couldn’t leave the room. I guess that was the only lucky thing-that he never hurt me too bad. I’m 5’4″ & 112 pounds. He was 6’3″ & 290 pounds. I think I was kinda at a disadvantage.

Jealous? Not really. Think about it . . . Jealousy generally has an emotional element to it.

That jealous behavior is all about POSSESSING you. You were never a person in the relationship (so-called relationship), you were just a possession.

I know that sounds harsh, but it’s the reality of who these creatures are: notice how they define themselves by their possessions — that’s their egos.

Rune:

You are so correct. I was a possession.

In hindsight it was the sickest unhealiest relationship I’d ever had. It was perfect for the first 6 months. I fell in love hard for this guy. After he knew I was hooked…it was like a methodical process of manipulation and control…until I did not feel like me anymore. It was also a well though out plan to have this OW all the while lurking in the shadows ..just waiting there til the day came when I finally ran out of money. I can’t tell you how many times I woke up in the night and vomited after I figured out what the hell happened.

janetf,

Thank you for sharing your story and you website. Stories like your make me feel like I go off easy in many ways. The road back to recovery can be challenging but hang in there.

And good luck with you new baby. God Bless….

Aloha

from an experinced newbee, always remember this:

NEVER LISTEN TO THEIR WORDS,
JUST LOOK THE WAY THEY ACT !!!

ALL THE BEST

Travis,

Thanks for sharing this story with us. I read that you might stop writing your experience with your father. I do hope you won’t. I know it must be very hard to write about all that which has happen to you during your time with your father but we all learn from this and I believe can help others dealing with having a sociopathic parent(s).

Sincerely James

Travis,

I’ve thought a lot about what you had to say in your post. I changed the story by diminishing it or blaming myself. I still can’t seem to believe that he was as bad as I think he was. Surely it can’t be that he doesn’t have a soul? Or can’t really care or love? That’s just too sad, for my children and for me.

There was a reference to a lawyer who defends abused children in NYC by the name of Andrew Vachss. In his article, You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart, he states that emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. That is exactly what my ex-N did to us. We were left stripped and bare of our own selves. He never praised, never allowed anyone to ever ever be equal or above him.

I’m still so sad for my children…I will never get over that.

Thanks again Travis. You are an inspiration.

Travis,

Thank you for sharing your story! It has been very helpful in my healing. My son was hospitalized with a serious condition and I didn’t know if he would survive. I went to my P’s house for comfort. Apparently, he was talking to his new NS and refused to let me get past the foyer! I tried desperately to explain why I needed him (that was a big red flag!). He was angry and gently pushed me toward the door. He said he was talking to his brother. When I told him I’d wait on his couch until he got off the phone, he refused! I was in such shock at his behavior that, after leaving, I turned around and went back to his house. I could see through his window laughing on the telephone. As soon as he saw I had returned he was furious!! He absolutely would not let me stay! I was already in a state of panic and his behavior towards me is one of the most traumatic events of my life. (And I know something about trauma!)

For me, though, I was an adult and this is a relationship that lasted about two years. At my age I do have skills to help me through the pain. (And…it’s taking all of them to endure this!) For you, as a child, it must have been so very painful to experience that night when your mother tried to commit suicide and your father ignored you.

I have been struggling with dealing with my P for a few months. I’ll remember your story and develop more courage to face each moment until I recover from this pain that never seems to go away.

Thank you, again, Travis.

Morgan

Thanks for your responses to my posts. The whole issue of not “reading” the S/P correctly is what I think helps create their mask and our view of them initially.

henry, sstiles54, I comprehend mentally what you say and I do believe it all….very similar words and behavior in my case yet my heart has a difficult time believing that he could not truly have felt or meant the things he said that were good and loving and positive……. even though there are so many more exapmles of bad behavior, negativity, abuse….. I know you get it. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it.

iwonder, VERY similar things…. he was opinionated about what I wore. Yet he felt he had this great style wearing the ripped jeans and tight t shirts showing off his steroid infested body. No doubt he looked good….but was doing what he accused me of. He was trying to lure women all the time. he called me a fu&%$#g insane slut bit%$ over and over again. As he slept with his x stripper girlfriend, old enough to be his daughter and lied about it constantly.

I too fell in love hard and fast. But some of these things were red flags too. He said he loved me short of a month, wanted us to buy wedding bands and wear them because he wanted to prevent men from “hitting” on me. He caused a huge arguement with me because I would not agree that men only dance to get women to sleep with them. He left me in a club one night accusing me of looking at men while we were dancing. I met him out of town three hours from home one night and at around midnihgt I checked my phone to see if my kids called. He threw me out of the hotel to drive home after accusing me of looking for calls from guys……took my cell and deleted numbers that had any man’s name associated. (all my friends and business contacts). Then took the number of a male friend who lives 300 miles away and I believe he made restricted calls to this man’s home, pretending to be my x husband. He told me constantly that his older daughter hated me and that I cause “issues” with her. I met the girl three times. They had a very unnatural relationship. THAT was a red flag……

I can’t even comprehend as I write these things why I tolerated it all for so long. I WAS a posession or at least he wanted me to be. I can’t imagine any of this is because of ME. Even though he was married for a long time, I sense his x wife doesn’t have a clue of what she is dealing with or she is in denial. I couldn’t stand the pain for the two years, off and on. He was married for 25 yrs. I know he was doing the devalue and discard with the stripper girlfriend as well. But she NEEDS him financially and he looks like a meal ticket to her. I have a better job and support myself and have an education, which I think intimidated him as well.

God help us get past it all !!!!

Stargazer:

Sorry so late on the post but wanted to tell you that I also went to Dr. to check for STD’s. No HIV but unfortunately there was something else. Being that I was only with my S, he gave me another token to remember him by. Luckily it was treatable.

Please everyone who is envolved with an S or have been, check for STD because they may be with many others at the same time, which was true in my case.

Keeping_faith,

My X-BF-P who had only a high school education (but WAS very bright and self educated) had a thing about women with educations. He wanted to be with educated women and all his GFs and wife were educated, but he kept perceiving that we were “talking down” to him if we knew anything on any subject that he didn’t know. LOL He would become very angry if he was not the “expert” even in our own fields which were different from his.

Also if you said “pass the salt” instead of “dear, would you pleeeeeeaaaaassssse pass the salt” you were “ordering him around” and he could not tolerate that at all. He would jump up suddenly from the dining table and RACE (literally run) out the door and then come back in a few minutes, calmed down some, but still angry.

Janetf,

ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! It is a MUST to get a COMPLETE STD check (many areas have these free at the state health department and confidential as well).

Not to derail the topic, but I see many individuals comparing psychopaths to Satan/Lucifer mentioned in the Bible. While I am secular, so I do not take the Bible at it’s face value, after reading through the Bible, I feel God to be the ultimate psychopath. Look at some of the atrocities he commits throughout the Old Testament yet he manages to portray himself as being the very definition of goodness and justice when he is actually very diabolical and he burns people in an eternal fire for not serving and worshiping him for eternity. How can you not call that psychopathic? I just get this bad feeling that something is amiss when I read the Bible the same way I’ve felt toward psychopathic individuals I’ve come across.

DEar Platnium,

Welcome to Love Fraud, I don’t think I’ve seen you post here.

There is a wide variety of beliefs espoused by people in this blog concerning both spiritual and secular beliefs, but the bloggers here do not denigrate each other’s beliefs or faiths. How about if you and I agree to disagree and you don’t call my God an ultimate psychopath and I won’t try to convert you?

If you have had a significant run in with a psychopath, there is a great deal of information for you here to help you heal and I hope that you will find it helpful.

PatinumX098: Try re-reading the Bible without your ego in tack…. being humble is the only way you can truly understand it’s meaning.

The ego is a tricky beast in and of itself… because you perceive the written words via your ego defining it … of course the conclusion will come out to your egos comprehension. (smile).

Best book to rid yourself of your EGO is E. Tolle’s “A New Earth” … practice how to go into the now … when you get that down to a science … open up the Bible with no assumptions on your part … If you still have trouble reading the Bible … ask God to guide you …he will make it happen.

When you let go of your ego … reading the Bible is awesome. Absolutely, positively awesome.

Peace.

Travis: What you wrote is true, and you did it so beautifully.

When I went through the horror story with my bosses, I kept praying to God, don’t leave me, please be there for me, please don’t leave God. He was there for me. I never thought that I could be arrogant enough to ask God to end this soon … so I kept praying “please God, be there for me, be there for me … “. Then one day I was so exhausted and frustrated and I said “God, when is this going to end?”. And it did. Just like that.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaa. I should have prayed that it ended at the beginning. Oh well, live and learn.

Even today, the bigger mess with my EX rolled up in all of this … I prayed to God that he could use my life anyway he wanted … that I knew it was for something bigger than me …and who was I to judge what he’s doing.

It’s all of God’s time frame, not ours.

Peace.

Dear TRavis,

Very very eloquently put! A great testimony for your strength and for your faith. My psychopaths did their best to turn me away from my faith, and sometimes in my pain I felt very alone, until I too started to read the Bible with “new eyes.”

I began to see great wisdom in the stories of the Bible that I “knew by heart” and yet didn’t see the real “every day life” messages in them, until I looked at them in a new way.

This whole thing, all the pain, and all the grief, all the losses, have given me a new lease on faith–a deeper and wider faith.

ONe of the especially good books I read was one by Dr. Viktor Frankl, who spent time in the ultimate psychopathic torture, in the Nazi prison camps for years. His book, “Man’s search for Meaning” is a testement to to the spirituality of mankind and the finding of meaning in suffering as well as joy!

I would rather have faith, and “wake up” dead and realize that there is no god, rather than go through life without faith, and then after death go “Uh OH! I was wrong!” LOL

Speaking of murder–something sure ISN’T RIGHT here. I watched Dateline tonight about the Casey Anthony investigation about her little girl’s “disappearance”–BTW it looks like they may have found Calley’s body today near her mother’s and grandparents’ home. The body they found had duct tape around the mouth.

Since I don’t usually watch any TV much less follow it daily, I haven’t heard all of the “evidence” recovered and released to the media so far, but they did play the audio of most of Casey’s “help” in finding her daughter–like taking the police to a place she didn’t work and saying she worked there—DUH? Then to “explain the lie” she said she thought that Calley might be there because the place was “familiar to her”–the cop asked her how the baby would get there—take a CAB?

This woman in my opinion is so TYPICAL SCOTT-PETERSON-LIKE about this whole thing that it is unbelievable. Also apparently they found chloroform in the back of her parent’s car that she drove that had decomposed human flesh in it, and hair that had apparently fallen from a decomposing body that was either the baby’s or hers, and since Casey isn’t decomposing, I guess best shot is it is the child’s.

Casey’s Computer had googled “chloroform” before the disappearance of the baby, and also “breaking necks”–DUH? They found chloroform in the back of the car as well.

What amazed me though, is that her parents are so “supportive” of Casey and are hiring investigators to prove her innocence. GIVE ME A BREAK. Believe me, I “went crazy” with grief when I knew the evidence of my son’s crime of murder, and knew he did it, but denial on that scale (the parents’) is unbelievable even for me.

I feel for those people, I hurt for them, because to know your child is a murderer, a monster, is probably the most painful thing I have ever gone through, but I never doubted that he was guilty. Even when he lied and lied and lied I never doubted. Even when I wanted to believe he was innocent so bad I couldn’t eat for the entire two weeks before her body was finally found.

Casey’s story now, after all the bizarre lies, ” is that someone was out to get her and took the baby by force and all her lies were to “protect” the baby, and her parents.”

The decomposing smell of human flesh, and her mother reported this to 911 and her father’s interview (he used to be a cop) said “you never forget that smell” (he’s right about that!)

I bleed for these parents, having people cursing them in their front yard, at least I never had to go through that, to go through the entire country hating me, hating my son. Only one family and a few cops hated us. Yet, Casey’s family is so deep in denial over this horrible thing, so unable to cope with the truth, which is too painful to swallow even in tiny bites.

How is a jury going to do anything but give Casey a “not guilty by reason of mental defect?” (insanity?) I don’t think any one except someone who had dealt with a REAL PSYCHOPATH can even comprehend what Casey Anthony is, if she is the one who killed her child.

The Scott Peterson situation was bizarre enough, and he behaved pretty typically for a psychopath, as Casey Anthony appears (from what the media reports) to be also, but how can a “jury of her peers” think that the woman knew right from wrong, but didn’t care? The police reported that she had no signs of being a “worried mother” and videos of her shopping with her boyfriend for videos a day after the baby “disappeared” seemed to confirm this.

Even before the National Enquirer comes out, I predict she will get off on an insanity defense.

Cast not your Pearls before Swine!
Ask and you shall Recieve **( Be Very Carefull What you ask for because You Will Get It )**
Knock and the Door will be opened!
Seek and you shall Find!
You reap what you Sow!

Revenge is a Dish best served COLD!
Vengence is MINE says the Lord!

I think for me Justice will not be in this life! For my psyco , for all the sHarade , Despite apperences ! he is miserable ! I find it sad and Pray for him ! LOVE JJ

Oxy: Larry King Live interviewed the grandparents of little Casey the other night. Within that interview the mother was asked about her precious daughter. She said, and I’m choking back tears … don’t quote me … but her statement was “… Casey was the most important THING in my life”. Thing? A non object THING.

I’ve been praying for this little soul for months now. I didn’t want to blog this, but I felt I needed to. I’m pushing back tears flooding my eyes as I type.

Peace.

Though it actually makes my blood boil (Blub, blub, blub) AT the grandparents, at the same time, I hurt for them. What pain they must be in for them to be so ENABLING of their daughter’s behavior.

Some of the early stuff and I can’t even remember what it was now made me think that the grandmother was a controlling enabler (maybe a borderline herself) I guess it was her making Casey keep the baby when she wanted to put her up for adoption.

Casey was living in their house and just “left for 30 days” and they weren’t all that worried until they got a call about the CAR? They had their daughter and granddaughter living in the house with them and they didn’t KNOW the daughter didn’t have a job? At the very least, this is the POSTER FAMILY FOR DYSFUNCTION.

I will still BET THE FARM that she gets off for an “insanity” plea when it all comes out, because I don’t think there is a jury in the world that would “get it” that she killed her little girl cause she is a psychopath. The tape around the mouth of the little girl’s body, and the chloroform in the car, and the googled chloroform on her computer seem to indicate that it is PREMEDITATED MURDER, not just done in a rage.

I am so sorry that poor little child had to die, but at the same time, she may be better off than growing up in that household. There ARE worse things than death.

Oxy: I don’t know about the parents … but their daughter needs to take responsibility for her actions. Period. Remember Susan Smith?

This so-called selfish mother needs life in prison too, just like Susan Smith got. Enough of the insanity pleas with these attorneys wasting the tax payers money. We know you people are sharp, but how do you sleep at night knowing you did your duty to the best of your ability for your clients! What about the rest of us in society that has to deal with you doing your jobs?

Who cares anyways if you have your mental faculties or not? Go straight to prison or a state mental institution (if there are any of these still open??) for the rest of your natural life. Just get them off the streets.

Period!

I don’t know about other states, but Arkansas has a State Hospital for the Criminally insane, it is called Rogers Hall, and is on the Little Rock Campus of University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, where I got my degrees. I did a stint there when I was in school, and it is pretty grim, set up like a prison, but with psych “care” of a sort.

The man who killed my cousin when I was about 8 years old was housed there. He escaped once, but was returned eventually, and then he was let out when he was an old man with TB that he caught there and died in the community. His widow, quite elderly now, still lives in the community. She always reminded me of a little dog that had been cast out on the highway and kicked by everyone who passed by. I used to see her in church from time to time.

Yea, I had forgotten about the Susan Smith thing, but they definitely came up with a MOTIVE on her as her new BF didn’t want kids. I hope that this Anthony gal (assuming she did it) gets life without parole–to me that is worse punishment than the death penalty. Let her live in “gen pop” with the BIG psychopaths, she will get her fill of “exciteent”

And remember Diane Downs and what she did. I just did a post about her and what she is doing today as she comes up/came up for parole:

http://whataboutwhenmomistheabuser.blogspot.com/2008/12/case-series-narcissistic-psychopath-or.html

After having watched my ex’s family up close for over two decades, I have some understanding of the grandparents’ actions in the Casey Anthony case. It just reeks of the same sort of “family narcissism” that my ex’s folks displayed.

Even when the evidence is overwhelming against a family member, these people will defy logic, facts and simple human decency. They will do or say anything to defend the guilty party, because he or she is “one of them.” There really are people out there who live and breathe for this intangible thing, “the family name.”

My ex’s mother went to her death defending her son even as he slowly killed her. He would leave her alone for weeks at a time, never calling or checking on her. He would refuse to buy her groceries. (Had I not brought her food, she would have starved to death.) When she fell and broke a shoulder, he left her alone for 17 days after. When I turned him in for elder abuse and the state came to investigate, she lied to them and told them her son checked on her twice a day.

So the Anthonys probably don’t care that their psychopath daughter is guilty of murder. The only fact that matters to them is she is THEIR daughter. And because THEY are clearly superior and blameless, so must she be.

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