Have you experienced something that felt all wrong, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it so you dismissed it? It could be a small detail, but feels important, really important, and your mind is telling you that it just doesn’t add up or make sense so the best thing to do is let it go. Whatever the conflict, our common sense is not able to reconcile the problem or rationalize what it means. Often times, the reason is, what we are seeing is so frightening that we don’t want to know the truth.
This was my experience with my father and it happened a lot. His behavior was raising flags, big ones that I can see now, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing or feeling so I would re direct my attention to something else that would make that feeling go away.
My parents were divorced when I was just a kid (4 or 5, I think) and my father destroyed my Mom in court. This was 40+ years ago and he got custody of us kids (3), which at the time was unheard of. My Mom was an alcoholic and never fully recovered from the divorce. When I was 12 years old she called me one night drunk and was basically saying goodbye to me. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing, but I came to realize that she was trying to commit suicide.
I went to my father and begged him to take me to her, but he didn’t want to be bothered. I was crying hysterically and he finally agreed to take me to her apartment. Once we got there he refused to get out of the car. I banged on the door and she did not answer. After several attempts I took a small towel from my Father’s car, wrapped it around my fist and broke the jalacy windows in her door to enter her apartment. She was barely awake and heavily drugged from a combination of Valium and alcohol. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance.
Oddly enough, the most disturbing part of that night was my father’s behavior. He simply didn’t care. At the time I think I rationalized that it was because he didn’t love my mom and he was a tough guy, stuff like that. I actually looked up to my Dad because he was so “tough”. He always taught me that that was an important quality for successful men, but this was different and didn’t feel right, even understanding that philosophy. My Mom was trying to kill herself and he didn’t bother to get out of the car to help and showed little or no emotion when I asked him to help. It wasn’t his problem. As I write this, it just struck me for the first time that maybe the reason he didn’t want to help was that he wanted her to die that night.
That “something’s not right here” feeling or thought was not how he reacted to my Mom, but me. I can see it now, but then, I didn’t like the thought of my father being so cold that he could watch me deal with that and not care about what it was doing to me. I guess I tried to rationalize that thought and couldn’t make sense of it, so I went back to the tough guy explanation and dismissed it. I mean really, if I connected the dots the truth was not an explanation I was ready to accept at that time. The truth was my Dad didn’t feel anything and didn’t care. This was an inconvenience and he was pissed because he had to deal with the situation.
The question that I dismissed was “why didn’t dad help me and why didn’t he understand how difficult this was for me?” I was extremely scared and confused. Either he really didn’t care or he couldn’t relate to what I was feeling. I needed him badly at this time and he was completely disconnected. I didn’t like the answer so I dismissed the question and tried to believe that I misunderstood his behavior. I would go as far as to begin to remember events like this differently and blame myself for having these weird thoughts.
The truth was that my father didn’t care because he was not capable of relating to the feelings I was having. As a sociopath, he was incapable of feeling what I was feeling so he didn’t care. He did have the ability to mimic these behaviors when he felt necessary, but rarely when he was mad and that night he was mad.
Looking back that was a very lonely night for me. I was in the presence of both my parents, but deep down I think I knew how alone I really was. Nope, I wasn’t ready for the truth, it was easier to just believe that I misunderstood my Dad’s behavior and everything would be ok. Dad loved me, he was just angry and everything will be fine when we get back home I told myself.
Well, everything didn’t turn out fine. My dad was a con man that would turn to murder as a serial killer later in life and this was just a small glimpse of his soul. There were many others (glimpses) like this, but we tend to overlook them because they just don’t make sense. Or even worse, we sense the truth, but can’t or are not willing to deal with it.
Writing about these events has been a very good experience. It brings things to light that I might otherwise overlook. Someone once told me that it was like exposing undeveloped film to light. Once I do this it no longer holds power over me. Thanks for reading it.
daisy – (“remember events differently and blame yourself for having the weird thoughts”)?
This was fairly common for me. I would simply begin to think maybe it wasn’t that bad, like I somehow made the experience into something it wasn’t…because I was weak. Then I would seemingly add little things that might help me believe I was imagining some of this, like maybe he was being helpful afterall.
Something else I learned was that blame and/or shame was feeling guilty for something that somebody else did. He did terrible things, but I would begin to feel guily about it thinking something was wrong with me, then it would turn to shame and I would try to bury it. I now know that burying these things is only temporary and leads to other problems.
There is a great deal of experience, hope, peace and healing happening here. It’s wonderful to find a place where people realize they are not alone.
[what I thought was jealousy was his inability to control] thanks for that – it makes so much sense NOW!!!!!
Daisy
I’m in my board shorts it’s getting to 85 today and sunny:)~ LOVE JJ
Henry,
It seems to me now that so many of his emotions i ASSUMED were a result of “normal” feelings and I realize now that wasn’t the case. He behaved in a way that appeared to be jealousy but when I think now of his blown out of propotion and unreasonable response, it was about trying to control me. He appealed to every good, consientious, loyal, truthful part of my being by trying to affect me in a way that brought out guilt, empathy, persistence……. HE WAS THE ONE DOING ALL THE THINGS HE ACCUSED ME OF. And I realize now that what I thought was jealousy was his rage in being unable to control me, particularly at work. So he accused me of sleeping with people when I took vendors out to lunch. if I didn’t answer my cell immediately he would call up ot 12 times and the messages got worse and worse, accusing me of being with men and sleeping with them. I found out later than when he said he was traveling to see his daughters or at work he was at trashy bars picking up women.
What I thought was love was his fear of losing me to someone deserving. i think he kknew he was in way over his head with all the lies and stories and didn’t deserve me. (I don’t mean to sound arrogant) But I think you can relate.
Noting I thought that he felt was a real emotion. I believe it is all driven by fear of losing, fear of being rejected, fear of lacking control, and he did it in a way that appealed to my deepest fears….. abandonment (which is normal for anyone), appearing irresponsible, losing friendships, losing respect…. hence his campaign to bash me to friends and family. He is a LOSER in so many ways.
Dear Travis
Thank you! this posting is so Bang-On! This puts into words my entire childhood. My N mother and S father behaved in ways that were so confusing to me as a child. I grew up doing exactly what you describe. Explaining it away as something I was too young, stupid, or weak to comprehend. I was always certain the truth of the situation was a decent one. I just needed more information to understand it.
Now that I’ve enforced a voluntary isolation on myself – no contact with either parent, and no running from my pain into a relationship with a man that would most likely turn out to be a N/P or S (given my pattern) – I can see more clearly. I know that some small part of me knew “something wasn’t right”. Just like you’ve written. I’m only recently discovering this about myself so it’s such a huge a-ha moment for me!
As a child I tried going to other adults I trusted. I’d explain just enough of a particular situation. I wanted a “grown-up” take on what was happening to me. I’d been raised to believe that all adults should be obeyed and respected. Unfortunately, I never came across anyone who understood what actually was going on. I was told time and again to “be a good girl”. Do what you’re told.
I spent most of my life learning to take any of those glimmers that “something isn’t right” and shoving them away. I learned that I REALLY WAS too young, confused, weak or stupid to get it. That learned behavior resulted in the mess I became. Perpetual target for predators. A-HA!!!!!!
I checked out your site on dontdatehimgirl.com and felt impelled to write.
I have had a series of bad relationships but I truly feel that I have met satan in person.
I met my sociopath in Summer of 2007. It was a summer cruise and there he was this handsome, charming, genuine seeming man. He was neatly dressed in white and was on the cruise alone. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but I was drawn to his good looks and staggering way. I must mention that there were also a lot of other women who wanted to be in his company that summer night as well.
The first four months were perfect. I got flowers, candies, cards and taped I loves you on cassette. These messages on cassette would be timely place on top of soft playing music in the background. I though God had been awarding me for all the failed relationships I have had in my 33 years of life.
Well my life took a turn for the worse, my daughter killed her boyfriend. This man of armour came to my rescue. He was the spokesperson for me with the media, met all of my family, friends and was loved by all. My family members were jealous that I had what seemed to be a piece of heaven. He went to court with me, visit my dauighter in prison and then asked me to marry him. I was on cloud nine. Soon after we got pregnant, we found out we were having a boy and both of us were excited. We moved in together and combined all of our finances. We had a beautiful condo and combined our families. We both had children from previous relationships.
There were red flags but I was so in love, I did not see any wrong in this man. He was perfect to me. The sex stopped, he lost his job, and he started treating me like used goods. I started paying all the bills and taking care of all the children. My bills were being delayed because I didn’t make enough to pay everything. He moved his schizophrenic mother in the house and that was yet another responsibility (I didn’t know he was receiving social security for her). I started demanding that he help me out and he started to sleep out. He would give excuses that he was in the hospital and was too out of it to give me the information. When I doubted what he said, he cursed me out. Here I am left with his mother, his kids, and all the bills I started to lose it.
I will never forget the day when I went into his bank account and took 1/2 his social security money to pay for bills and he went into a violent rage that could have easily landed me in the hospital. He said he didn’t love me from that point on. He said we can stay in the condo but can no longer be a couple. I was miserable. I tried to stay thinking he would change his mind and that never happened so I left.
He was so happy that I left 6 months pregnant that he immediately crossed my name off the mailbox and continued to live rent free in the condo that was in my name. He told his children that he didn’t know why I left but they were better off without me. He told them that I was crazy and that I was stealing from their piggy bank and that I killed their hamster. He even called the police to tell them that to secure that I would not be able to come back to condo that was in my name.
Now with my credit rating down the hole, the leasing company taking me to court for $12000 and unpaid utilities I was ruined. Six months after the fact, I was able to get him out of my condo and turn it over to leasing co. I am trying to pick up the pieces in this new financial place of dispair in which I have never been before.
Our beautiful son was born three months ago but since my sociopath left to a wife of 15 years that I never knew about, I never seen him again. He also fathered 6 other kids he never mentioned out in the world that he also didn’t care for. His wife who never met me and wasn’t there to see me and him in action is so defensive over him and has attacked me as well. She says things like he only used me while she was mad at him and that he hates me and my baby. She even tried to get me arrested for harassing him. The authorities stated to her that the sociopath needs to make complaint to family court if there is a problem. He has to ask courts for an order of protection. The only communication we have is through court. He has been moving around to avoid being served with court proceedings for paternity. When I did try to contact him it was only to ask him to care for his son financially but he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want to hear from me at all, not even to be served with court papers.
This is only the short version of the actual story but hopefully you catch my drift.
I am in therapy and working on picking up the pieces but I almost took my own life because I thought this was all my fault and I couldn’t move past that point. When I started reading sites like yours and coming back to myself I realize that this man is sick and he did me a favour by disappearing. I don’t want to teach my son to be like him so I give him so much love and pray that GOd has provided him with my heart, emotions, and empathy.
For More details; my website is (please feel free to visit me there):
http://www.whenyoucryicry.com
keeping_faith – yep I relate to many of your statements. Jealousy was inability too control. And his fear of losing me to someone more deserving. I never wanted to say that cause it does sound arrogant – but when we would argue he would never say ‘i am sorry’ or ‘i love you’ he would say ‘but I don’t want to lose you’ that always left me feeling like ‘what do you mean you don’t want to lose me?’ the roof over your head? the food in the fridge? lose his acess to my computer? Tell me something, anything to convince me, it is ME you don’t want to lose – not what I provide you~~!! There was nothing genuine about his emotion’s – he could say I love you with as much emotion as a burp – he did tell me one time ( I think the only truth he ever told me)’ I am not good with emotion’s, I have always been fucked up about that.’ Those thing’s should come natural not be feigned or imitated. I guess he did know something was wrong with him, for a brief second but went right back to doing the only thing he knew how to do and that is survive. I guess all things happen to us for a reason. I still am torn up about the whole mess with him. I go back and forth with myself ‘did i love him or not?’ I really think I did in the beginning, but when you lose respect and trust and loyalty, love kinda dissapears and you are just like them, trying to survive something you have never experienced. And the longer you hold on to hope, the deeper you go into the place they had planned for you at the beginning. Like Escaped has had to remind me several time’s – we were literaly at death’s door. Fortunatly I had no money for him to continue his plot – so in the bitter end he left and when his mask came off the very last day ‘he looked at me like a stranger’ and said ‘ I HAVE BEEN MISERABLE EVER SINCE I CAME HERE’ I said well finally you have spoke the truth..I thot to myself well ok he is gone now – I will be me again – wrong – never never never did I expect to go down into this place of confusion – and it’s more than devalue and discard – it’s ok what am I going to do with this lesson – and how will I ever forgive myself for trying to love and care for such a loser?
Henry
I will always Love Chris because it is Chris I fell in LOVE with ! Not the P ! The P is his only way he knows how to survive ! From the start! From Birth ! even if He inherited the syndrome , the Parenting he got was miserable at best! His mother was a striper and his father was not there at all ! Hi s multiple step fathers where all losers ! one of them Molested him around the age of 8 to 10 ! His mother is a wacked out golddigger and is on 8 or 9 husbands! she does’nt work she is a mooch as well as a S! So you can see why I felt for him ! But it is their own choice to continue this destructive behavior! They Know Whats Right and Wrong they know what they do to people they just DON’T care! They see that every anti -relationship they get into ends in Chaos! And they Enjoy that control! Like they are a god! they don’t stop! we where nothing than the latest toy! Good until we ran out of worth or till we had given every ounce and where spent! no more important than a ciggarett BUTT! LOVE JJ
Janetf,
Your story sounds like something out of a soap opera. I can’t imagine how crushed you are. I read somewhere on here that sociopaths hang out on places like cruise ships where there are single women. (Note to self: don’t ever go on a cruise). Congratulations on your son, and I imagine you’ve read all the articles here about raising at-risk children. I hope you don’t give this evil monster one more minute of your life to toy with your feelings. Your life is worth so much more than that. I, too, was suicidal, after I found out the man I was dating was a sociopath and the bizarre break-up was actually a “discard”. Today, 5 months after the fact, I had a routine physical and asked for every STD test they could do, including HIV. This really brought home the incredible risk I took letting this person become so close so quickly. We are members of a very elite club of people who have looked evil in the eye and slept with it in our beds. Aren’t we all special?
Travis, Keeping_faith, & Janetf,
Your words rang so true to me, it’s almost scary, like having someone you’ve never even met write your life story, knowing more about your life than even yourself knows. I remember things the ex s. said when I’m here on the site reading. One is that he said quite a few times he was afraid of dying alone, & another is all the times he accused me of sleeping around, cheating, etc. If I were to sit down & make a list of all the red flags I should have seen, I’m sure I would end up with quite a list, too. I so wanted to believe he loved me as much as I loved him, almost to the extent of committing suicide after realizing everything that once was me, was lost. The road to recovery is indeed long, & very painful. And very lonely, too, as most people don’t even know the definition of an s.
Thank you for keeping the posts coming, & helping all of us to survive another day.