Have you experienced something that felt all wrong, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it so you dismissed it? It could be a small detail, but feels important, really important, and your mind is telling you that it just doesn’t add up or make sense so the best thing to do is let it go. Whatever the conflict, our common sense is not able to reconcile the problem or rationalize what it means. Often times, the reason is, what we are seeing is so frightening that we don’t want to know the truth.
This was my experience with my father and it happened a lot. His behavior was raising flags, big ones that I can see now, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing or feeling so I would re direct my attention to something else that would make that feeling go away.
My parents were divorced when I was just a kid (4 or 5, I think) and my father destroyed my Mom in court. This was 40+ years ago and he got custody of us kids (3), which at the time was unheard of. My Mom was an alcoholic and never fully recovered from the divorce. When I was 12 years old she called me one night drunk and was basically saying goodbye to me. It took me a while to figure out what she was doing, but I came to realize that she was trying to commit suicide.
I went to my father and begged him to take me to her, but he didn’t want to be bothered. I was crying hysterically and he finally agreed to take me to her apartment. Once we got there he refused to get out of the car. I banged on the door and she did not answer. After several attempts I took a small towel from my Father’s car, wrapped it around my fist and broke the jalacy windows in her door to enter her apartment. She was barely awake and heavily drugged from a combination of Valium and alcohol. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance.
Oddly enough, the most disturbing part of that night was my father’s behavior. He simply didn’t care. At the time I think I rationalized that it was because he didn’t love my mom and he was a tough guy, stuff like that. I actually looked up to my Dad because he was so “tough”. He always taught me that that was an important quality for successful men, but this was different and didn’t feel right, even understanding that philosophy. My Mom was trying to kill herself and he didn’t bother to get out of the car to help and showed little or no emotion when I asked him to help. It wasn’t his problem. As I write this, it just struck me for the first time that maybe the reason he didn’t want to help was that he wanted her to die that night.
That “something’s not right here” feeling or thought was not how he reacted to my Mom, but me. I can see it now, but then, I didn’t like the thought of my father being so cold that he could watch me deal with that and not care about what it was doing to me. I guess I tried to rationalize that thought and couldn’t make sense of it, so I went back to the tough guy explanation and dismissed it. I mean really, if I connected the dots the truth was not an explanation I was ready to accept at that time. The truth was my Dad didn’t feel anything and didn’t care. This was an inconvenience and he was pissed because he had to deal with the situation.
The question that I dismissed was “why didn’t dad help me and why didn’t he understand how difficult this was for me?” I was extremely scared and confused. Either he really didn’t care or he couldn’t relate to what I was feeling. I needed him badly at this time and he was completely disconnected. I didn’t like the answer so I dismissed the question and tried to believe that I misunderstood his behavior. I would go as far as to begin to remember events like this differently and blame myself for having these weird thoughts.
The truth was that my father didn’t care because he was not capable of relating to the feelings I was having. As a sociopath, he was incapable of feeling what I was feeling so he didn’t care. He did have the ability to mimic these behaviors when he felt necessary, but rarely when he was mad and that night he was mad.
Looking back that was a very lonely night for me. I was in the presence of both my parents, but deep down I think I knew how alone I really was. Nope, I wasn’t ready for the truth, it was easier to just believe that I misunderstood my Dad’s behavior and everything would be ok. Dad loved me, he was just angry and everything will be fine when we get back home I told myself.
Well, everything didn’t turn out fine. My dad was a con man that would turn to murder as a serial killer later in life and this was just a small glimpse of his soul. There were many others (glimpses) like this, but we tend to overlook them because they just don’t make sense. Or even worse, we sense the truth, but can’t or are not willing to deal with it.
Writing about these events has been a very good experience. It brings things to light that I might otherwise overlook. Someone once told me that it was like exposing undeveloped film to light. Once I do this it no longer holds power over me. Thanks for reading it.
Travis,
Thanks for sharing this story with us. I read that you might stop writing your experience with your father. I do hope you won’t. I know it must be very hard to write about all that which has happen to you during your time with your father but we all learn from this and I believe can help others dealing with having a sociopathic parent(s).
Sincerely James
Travis,
I’ve thought a lot about what you had to say in your post. I changed the story by diminishing it or blaming myself. I still can’t seem to believe that he was as bad as I think he was. Surely it can’t be that he doesn’t have a soul? Or can’t really care or love? That’s just too sad, for my children and for me.
There was a reference to a lawyer who defends abused children in NYC by the name of Andrew Vachss. In his article, You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart, he states that emotional abuse is the systematic diminishment of another. That is exactly what my ex-N did to us. We were left stripped and bare of our own selves. He never praised, never allowed anyone to ever ever be equal or above him.
I’m still so sad for my children…I will never get over that.
Thanks again Travis. You are an inspiration.
Travis,
Thank you for sharing your story! It has been very helpful in my healing. My son was hospitalized with a serious condition and I didn’t know if he would survive. I went to my P’s house for comfort. Apparently, he was talking to his new NS and refused to let me get past the foyer! I tried desperately to explain why I needed him (that was a big red flag!). He was angry and gently pushed me toward the door. He said he was talking to his brother. When I told him I’d wait on his couch until he got off the phone, he refused! I was in such shock at his behavior that, after leaving, I turned around and went back to his house. I could see through his window laughing on the telephone. As soon as he saw I had returned he was furious!! He absolutely would not let me stay! I was already in a state of panic and his behavior towards me is one of the most traumatic events of my life. (And I know something about trauma!)
For me, though, I was an adult and this is a relationship that lasted about two years. At my age I do have skills to help me through the pain. (And…it’s taking all of them to endure this!) For you, as a child, it must have been so very painful to experience that night when your mother tried to commit suicide and your father ignored you.
I have been struggling with dealing with my P for a few months. I’ll remember your story and develop more courage to face each moment until I recover from this pain that never seems to go away.
Thank you, again, Travis.
Morgan
Thanks for your responses to my posts. The whole issue of not “reading” the S/P correctly is what I think helps create their mask and our view of them initially.
henry, sstiles54, I comprehend mentally what you say and I do believe it all….very similar words and behavior in my case yet my heart has a difficult time believing that he could not truly have felt or meant the things he said that were good and loving and positive……. even though there are so many more exapmles of bad behavior, negativity, abuse….. I know you get it. It’s hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it.
iwonder, VERY similar things…. he was opinionated about what I wore. Yet he felt he had this great style wearing the ripped jeans and tight t shirts showing off his steroid infested body. No doubt he looked good….but was doing what he accused me of. He was trying to lure women all the time. he called me a fu&%$#g insane slut bit%$ over and over again. As he slept with his x stripper girlfriend, old enough to be his daughter and lied about it constantly.
I too fell in love hard and fast. But some of these things were red flags too. He said he loved me short of a month, wanted us to buy wedding bands and wear them because he wanted to prevent men from “hitting” on me. He caused a huge arguement with me because I would not agree that men only dance to get women to sleep with them. He left me in a club one night accusing me of looking at men while we were dancing. I met him out of town three hours from home one night and at around midnihgt I checked my phone to see if my kids called. He threw me out of the hotel to drive home after accusing me of looking for calls from guys……took my cell and deleted numbers that had any man’s name associated. (all my friends and business contacts). Then took the number of a male friend who lives 300 miles away and I believe he made restricted calls to this man’s home, pretending to be my x husband. He told me constantly that his older daughter hated me and that I cause “issues” with her. I met the girl three times. They had a very unnatural relationship. THAT was a red flag……
I can’t even comprehend as I write these things why I tolerated it all for so long. I WAS a posession or at least he wanted me to be. I can’t imagine any of this is because of ME. Even though he was married for a long time, I sense his x wife doesn’t have a clue of what she is dealing with or she is in denial. I couldn’t stand the pain for the two years, off and on. He was married for 25 yrs. I know he was doing the devalue and discard with the stripper girlfriend as well. But she NEEDS him financially and he looks like a meal ticket to her. I have a better job and support myself and have an education, which I think intimidated him as well.
God help us get past it all !!!!
Stargazer:
Sorry so late on the post but wanted to tell you that I also went to Dr. to check for STD’s. No HIV but unfortunately there was something else. Being that I was only with my S, he gave me another token to remember him by. Luckily it was treatable.
Please everyone who is envolved with an S or have been, check for STD because they may be with many others at the same time, which was true in my case.
Keeping_faith,
My X-BF-P who had only a high school education (but WAS very bright and self educated) had a thing about women with educations. He wanted to be with educated women and all his GFs and wife were educated, but he kept perceiving that we were “talking down” to him if we knew anything on any subject that he didn’t know. LOL He would become very angry if he was not the “expert” even in our own fields which were different from his.
Also if you said “pass the salt” instead of “dear, would you pleeeeeeaaaaassssse pass the salt” you were “ordering him around” and he could not tolerate that at all. He would jump up suddenly from the dining table and RACE (literally run) out the door and then come back in a few minutes, calmed down some, but still angry.
Janetf,
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! It is a MUST to get a COMPLETE STD check (many areas have these free at the state health department and confidential as well).
Not to derail the topic, but I see many individuals comparing psychopaths to Satan/Lucifer mentioned in the Bible. While I am secular, so I do not take the Bible at it’s face value, after reading through the Bible, I feel God to be the ultimate psychopath. Look at some of the atrocities he commits throughout the Old Testament yet he manages to portray himself as being the very definition of goodness and justice when he is actually very diabolical and he burns people in an eternal fire for not serving and worshiping him for eternity. How can you not call that psychopathic? I just get this bad feeling that something is amiss when I read the Bible the same way I’ve felt toward psychopathic individuals I’ve come across.
DEar Platnium,
Welcome to Love Fraud, I don’t think I’ve seen you post here.
There is a wide variety of beliefs espoused by people in this blog concerning both spiritual and secular beliefs, but the bloggers here do not denigrate each other’s beliefs or faiths. How about if you and I agree to disagree and you don’t call my God an ultimate psychopath and I won’t try to convert you?
If you have had a significant run in with a psychopath, there is a great deal of information for you here to help you heal and I hope that you will find it helpful.
PatinumX098: Try re-reading the Bible without your ego in tack…. being humble is the only way you can truly understand it’s meaning.
The ego is a tricky beast in and of itself… because you perceive the written words via your ego defining it … of course the conclusion will come out to your egos comprehension. (smile).
Best book to rid yourself of your EGO is E. Tolle’s “A New Earth” … practice how to go into the now … when you get that down to a science … open up the Bible with no assumptions on your part … If you still have trouble reading the Bible … ask God to guide you …he will make it happen.
When you let go of your ego … reading the Bible is awesome. Absolutely, positively awesome.
Peace.
This is a heavy topic and has questions that many of us have faced. My father showed me things (murders) that I could not reconcile with a loving God so I turned away. I rationalized that he was simply a predator in a world that did not include a God. It made more sense to me so I understand others that have taken similar positions.
But here are the facts for me, when I began to feel hopeless I finally asked (in prayer) God for help. I had no place else turn. I became one of those people that my father would call “weak”. I figured with the way things were going, what was the down side to trying this. That was the beginning of changes in my life that can only be described as a miracle.
I also struggled with what I read in the Bible. There are many ways to read it (I have learned) and I didn’t quite get it. Although I read it now, I didn’t need it to learn that God is a loving and forgiving God. That I found there waiting for me. All I had to do was ask.
Today, I can face anything in my life and find great strength in my faith. My father was wrong, people of Faith show great courage. This is not only true but historically accurate. I have lived both ways. I prefer Faith over Fear and have learned that they cannot both be experienced at the same time. This is what brings me Peace and it took me a lot of pain before I tried it. Someone once told me to “try it and if it didn’t work they’d gladly refund my misery”. I didn’t need a refund. It works.