Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
My father appeared to be a very successful business man. Our family lived in a home on Biscayne Bay, had money and was very well known. He served as a pilot in the Air Force, was very good looking and extremely charming. From the outside, our life looked almost perfect.
Like any young boy, I idolized my dad. When in his presence, I was almost hypnotized by him. I was extremely attracted to the way he approached life. I guess it’s normal for a boy to want to be just like his father. I wanted to believe everything that he told me. As best I could tell, he treated me pretty well. He took care of me, gave me money, taught me to hunt and spent time teaching me lessons about life.
Unfortunately, these lessons were coming from a different perspective on life than most children are exposed to, from that of a sociopath. For the most part, sociopaths treat their children like possessions, and I was my father’s favorite. He treated me special and I liked it. All of this only added to my confusion as a kid, because much of the time he seemed like a great dad. Still, something wasn’t right. There were conditions attached to his love, and I knew it. This underlying uneasiness was causing me problems, too.
From as far back as I can remember I would have terrifying recurring nightmares. I didn’t understand why and didn’t talk about it because I thought it was a sign of weakness. I would wake up in the middle of the night, gasping for breath and feel as if the weight of the world was crushing down on me. I couldn’t breathe, and would feel a serious and frightening threat that I didn’t understand. This threat was extremely elusive and I couldn’t identify what it was. I didn’t know where the threat was coming from, only that it was close. It was always close, surrounding me on all sides. The dreams felt real. I tried to dismiss them as just “kid stuff”, but I was really scared. I hated myself for this.
I always felt unsettled and frightened. Something just wasn’t right, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It might have been just a small detail, but it felt really important. My mind would tell me that it just didn’t add up or make sense. With no point of reference, the only thing I knew to do was to let it go. Whatever the conflict, I was not able to reconcile the problem or rationalize what it meant to me. Consequently, I would bury it. What I was seeing was so frightening that I didn’t want to know the truth. A lie was more acceptable. I lived in this confusing space.
On the outside I probably appeared to be like any other kid my age. I made good grades, was fairly outgoing, had friends and tried my best to fit in. It helped that I always had nice things and could afford to do most anything that my friends did. My dad taught me to be respectful and to say yes sir and no sir when addressing adults. They liked that, and I was typically a favorite of my friends’ parents.
The problem was that while my father was teaching me some of the right ideas his behavior was offering a different point of view. This was my experience with my father, and it happened often. His behavior was raising questions that I could not answer. I can see them now, but at the time, I didn’t want to believe what I was seeing or feeling.
Being raised by a sociopath creates its’ own set of issues that must be dealt with in order to break free from the suffering caused by these experiences. Forgiveness is the ultimate goal, but awareness of my own altered view of life also needs to be recognized and addressed to really have any success with recovery.
The result is seeing the world through this distorted filter, virtually altering all of my relationships and life’s experiences. Simply blaming my dad was not going to set me free from the damage done. I needed to acknowledge how and why I behaved the way I behaved.
For me, as many of you know, The Process of Forgiving is what set me Free. But, I had to take responsibility for how I used this experience to harm myself and others before I could stop doing it.
If we continue to harm ourselves with the past, we are, in essence, repeating the behavior that we so despise. At least, that was my experience. As a result, I am very forgiving of myself, and others. I do not interact with sociopaths or harmful people, nor condone the behavior, but I do forgive it. When I do that, I feel peace, and I like that better than nightmares.
The funny part and most rewarding is that when I forgive and let live I stop attracting sociopaths and start attracting people who are kind, loving and forgiving. That, in itself, is a very valuable spiritual lesson. Now, that’s A Miracle!
Thanks for reading this. Hope you experience a Miracle today. Peace.
Anam cara,
I think you have nailed the low self esteem and some of the results it gives to some people…maybe not all, but at least some.
We want to be loved and accepted above all else…and don’t realize that REAL love comes from within. It takes us a while to realize that, and to give ourselves the love and RESPECT we deserve, but we can get there.
My Dad’s love was conditional on his needs being met. He had no interest in anyone but himself. Controlling and selfish. My sister is the same. So sad, the desperation of a child (me)who blames themselves for their parent’s and others failings. Knowledge is liberating in that I have learned I am not to blame for others behaviour, but it is also overwhelming as I’m sensing “control” everywhere!
I’m struggling with so much psycological injury at the moment and trying to be strong for me and my own family (good husband, handsome son, beautiful daughter) but they are suffering too. Thank-you all for your support. In time I will give something back. Much love.
Anam cara,
Yes, you will give something back, but you must stuff yourself with knowledge and with BELIEVING and then your soul and heart will be filled to over flowing, you will have the where-with-all to give generously to those you love and who love you in return.
Keep on learning, KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. God bless.
I’m getting a little tired of reading articles about “forgiving” sociopaths. I’m really glad that you’re happy to live in a delusional world where anything is excusable, and, hey, if that’s helping you keep it together emotionally, good for you. I will tell you that the entire concept you are promulgating is bogus. Forgiveness is the act of making amends with a person who is GENUINELY SORRY! Sociopaths cannot feel remorse, guilt, or any of the other colors on the emotional palette. Ergo, it is impossible to forgive someone who cannot feel sorry. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s like forgiving a lion for ripping apart your bride on an ill-fated safari. Real effective strategy. That’ll fix things.
Furthermore, the fact that you’re marketing your ideas from a Christian standpoint is ruinous to other Christians who are victimized by sociopaths who subvert the Bible and use it as a weapon of control.
My mother is trapped in this kind of thinking. She lives with a sociopathic man (my father) who constantly berates her for having her own ideas, telling her that anything but complete servitude to him will land her in hell. I’m been trying to free her mind of that for two years now, and I’ve even subscribed her to this blog so that she could get some good information about how to separate herself and move on. I just hope she doesn’t read your posts, although I’m sure she will because she seems to gravitate towards the ones that offer some kind of “cure” or “fix” because she is in denial and has some variant of Stockholm Syndrome.
Let us make this clear for all. 1) There is no hope for sociopaths. They are genetically human, and that’s the only way they’re human. Emotionally, they are alien in action and thought. There is no sympathy, forgiveness, empathy, or any other precious human emotional commodity that should be wasted on those whose sole purpose in this universe is to destroy innocent lives. Honestly, I think you should have ripped off the Rolling Stones and titled your article “Sympathy for the Devil” because that is exactly what you are promoting.
2) For people who are trying to move on (Christian or non-Christian), it is perfectly acceptable and encouraged to hate the sociopathic plague that infests our world. It is EVIL! There is no other way to view it. I don’t care if you bring in nurture or nature, either way, a rat is a rat. We live in a society where there’s too many excuses and not enough justice. For all you know in your Christian schema, sociopaths could be living demons, walking amongst us, waiting to tear us apart. And here you are on a blog that is designed to create public awareness of their atrocities, and you’re pardoning them. I say to hell with them. Shoot them off into space, put them on the front lines, use them for medical research. They have no right to live in a civilized society if they can’t respect the rights of others.
3) This last point may seem contradictory to everything I’ve said earlier, but it will make sense. I don’t hate sociopaths. Sure, I hate the damage they cause; however, they are just like a virus–or a hurricane. Some destructive force of the universe that is inhumane and wreaks havoc upon humankind. Hate is a human emotion, and it needs a human target. Hating a hurricane would be stupid because it is not human. It is the same thing with sociopaths. We must deal with the issue in a clinical fashion: Recognize the threat and eradicate the threat. It’s very simple. There is no room for misguided emotional arguments that serve to blot out the black naked truth: Sociopaths are here, and unless we actively expose them and promote global awareness, they will always be with us.
For the women who are physically and emotionally abused, the children who are raped, the innocents who are murdered on a daily basis, and the entire ethnic groups who have undergone oppression and genocide under the brutal hands of sociopathic tyranny, there is no forgiveness. There is only awarenes and action. Anything else is ineffectual and worthless to a society that desperately wants to better itself.
We are the sons of sociopaths. Let us never forget that.
I remember when I was about 13yrs (56 now) and my sp/sister was about 15yrs. I was using or playing with something, an object she decided she wanted. Of course, I got her “I want, so it’s mine” sense of entitlement attitude. When I refused to hand it over she hit me hard and a vicious physical fight ensued. She had been standing over me, aggressively, so had the upper hand. Hair pulling, scratching, punching etc…… I did fight back but then I deliberately dropped my guard and let her win! Only now do I understand why. At some deep level within me I sensed that she could not stop. No boundaries. No impulse control. So driven to get what she wanted, that I KNOW she would have killed me for it.
sons.of.sociopaths:
Hi everyone. I have been gone for awhile. I was in Hawaii for a month, but now am back. I know…poor me, yeah?
Anyway, some very good points in this post. Hallelujah! The only thing I disagree with is the forgiveness. We do it for US, NOT for THEM. End of story.
Both my sisters live in Australia. The older one is a spathaholic, shallow, control freak and the younger one is a lovely person but doesn’t “get it”. She hopes I will “make up” with spathy and gets angry with me because she does not understand my reasons for NC. I have tried to explain things to her but as we all know, unless you have been through it, I just look like the bad one. This of course makes spathy look good.
Sons. of Sociopaths
Absolutely right. We can only truly forgive ourselves for doing what we had to do to cope and survive.
SOS..
Your “tone of voice” in the following comment
“I’m really glad that you’re happy to live in a delusional world where anything is excusable, and, hey, if that’s helping you keep it together emotionally, good for you. I will tell you that the entire concept you are promulgating is bogus. Forgiveness is the act of making amends with a person who is GENUINELY SORRY! ”
Is I think talking down tg those of us who believe in “forgiveness” tghough not necessarily by the definition YOU say it is.
“Forgiveness is the act of making amends with a person who is GENUINELY SORRY! ”
That is NOT my definition of forgiveness and I don’t think I live in a fantasy world to make myself feel good but in a well-thought out philosophy.
Neither Travis nor I have made amends with our abusers, nor lhave we given them absolution for what they have done, nor do we think that given the chance they wouldn’t do it again as they have no remorse.
But I do not want to and I will not stgy BITTER or use your definition of the concept of forgiveness.
While the rest of your post has some good points, I think the aggressive tone and derogatory tone at the first sort of negates the last by coming on a bit strong. Peace.
I’m going to unsub from this blog. It gave me hope at first, but the series of ludicrous posts from an alleged “therapist” is disheartening. According to this mental health professional, the parent married to the psychopath/sexual abuser “didn’t know” it was happening (yeah right), the football coach was too naive and innocent to know that sexual abuse even exists—and now the key to happiness is “forgiving” the psychopath who terrorized us as children.
These are not the theories of a qualified therapist. I find more commonsense in readers’ posts. To read apologia from someone who claims to be an expert in the field, is simply more crazy making. I’m sorry that you were so victimized by a psychopath that you’ve developed Stockholm Syndrome, but you have no right to impose your own mental illness on us, in the form of “therapeutic advice.” If you actually are some sort of registered professional, you need a very long leave of absence and professional help to sort yourself out.
“Forgiveness” is a strictly Christian concept, and it is for saints. The best most of us can do is accept, and move on. Striving to forgive the unforgivable, is yet another way to fall short. Do concentration camp survivors forgive the Nazis? Do the people with cancer and birth defects from Chornobyl, forgive the Soviets? No, they tell stories and try to mitigate the damage. Neither do QUALIFIED therapists tell them to “forgive.” You are damaging trusting people here, and that I cannot forgive.