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Speaking up after the sociopath is gone.

It was just a name in the subject line of an email.

I knew the name. How could I forget it? It was the name of the man who had betrayed my trust and my love for the four years nine months of our relationship.

Curious, I opened the email and read the words of a woman whose daughter’s girlfriend is engaged to a man named ”˜Jack’ (not his real name). I think he’s the same man you knew, she wrote. I read your website and the article from when your book was published. Do you have a picture?

I wrote back and told her I had burnt every picture I had of him. She sent me one by return email. Is this the same man? I’m really scared for my daughter’s safety. Conrad and my daughter’s friend have been living with us for a couple of months. He’s made lots of promises. Lots of commitments to do this, do that. None of them have come true.

I wrote back.

Unfortunately, it’s him. You can’t change him, I told her. You can help your daughter and her friend get free by learning as much as you can as fast as you can about narcissism and sociopaths. I gave her a couple of websites to read and I suggested a couple of things she could do to end the abuse now. There’s a good chance he’s up to his illegal activities once again as he has two high-end cars in their drive and one license plate which he continually shifts from vehicle to vehicle. I’ve suggested she contact the police and have offered to speak with the young woman who believes she has been swept up into Prince Charming’s arms.

When I wrote The Dandelion Spirit, I wanted to help women and men caught in a liar’s web to make sense of the craziness. I wanted to encourage and enlighten as well as inspire people.

Over the two years since the book was published I have heard from countless people — telling me their stories, asking for advice, thanking me for helping them understand and to breathe freely again.

I never expected to be able to help someone extricate themselves from Conrad’s web.

Expect the unexpected and life will never disappoint you.

It is my belief that knowledge is a gift to be shared. I learned a lot through the ”˜Jack’ experience. Learned about narcissism, sociopaths/psychopaths. About liars and abusers. And, I learned about being free. About turning up for me, in all my cuts and bruises, to stand tall and proud, a victor in my own life.

Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse — and to help them find their courage to do it.

I have been blessed. In the 5+ years since my release, I have been given the gift of healing and the opportunity to help others find their paths away from abuse.

I am one lucky woman and I want to share my good fortune with the world around me.

“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco

Everyday, survivors of these affairs stumble into this sight and take heart at the words written here by those who have journeyed through similar darkness. In our sharing we brighten the road and lighten the load of those who have fallen behind us. In our sharing, we illuminate the path for others to follow.

I never expected to be given the gift of helping someone involved with the same man I was. When first I read her words and thought about my response, I wondered if I was doing it out of vindictiveness, or was I truly coming from a loving heart.

I questioned myself to ensure I stood true to me, my values, principles and beliefs. And then, in the end, I realized — my heart belongs to me. In helping someone else, I am not going after him, I am going after what is right — sharing what I know and have learned so that someone else can find their way out of the darkness.

For the woman who wrote me, the story has a happy ending. She got him out of her house. For his new girlfriend, the story continues. She did not heed their advice. Did not want to hear what they said about him.

I know where she’s at. I know how scared she is and how frightened and alone she feels. I cannot change her path. I cannot alter her course. I can only continue to do what I do to create a world of peace around me: speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.


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273 Comments on "Speaking up after the sociopath is gone."

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Thank you M.L. About a year ago, I tried to “help” one of the P’s “friends” to see the light about him. I did it in anger and hurt. Didn’t help her or me one bit because I didn’t do it in a loving place of my heart, I did it out of vindictiveness. I will forever always be asking myself what my intentions are before I open my mouth and if the intentions are negative, I will just stay quiet.

M.L,

“speak out against abuse and speak up for those who have lost their voice.”

I recently notified a young woman who is involved with the X Music Man. There is no way that I was anything but wonderful, caring, generous, and understanding to him in the brief, but intense time we were together. He was the one who forced me to take a deeper look into my own destructive patterns with personality disordered individuals. He was the 3rd guy in a year who just wasn’t right. He was all wrong compared to decent, conscientious people.

I did not warn her for the purpose of seeking revenge. When I saw her pretty, sweet face….I saw myself. Whether or not she heeds my warning is up to her, but maybe when he starts misbehaving, with the crazy making, she will be reminded of my words and it will cause her to be more careful, cautious with her loving heart and spirit.

It is my duty and responsibility to educate, or warn any person that I consider is in danger, even if the danger is of the heart, mind and spirit, not necessarily in a physical sense.

Every where I go around my town, when I chat with people for an extended period of time, the subject of PDIs is brought up by me. I am placing in their minds the idea that these humanoids exist and absolutely must be shunned. Sometimes my discussion may be all it takes to inform, educate the people I interract with and they will ponder said info when confronting a predator.

I’m relieved that your X’s new victim took action and tossed him to the curb. As you know, as I know, as every one who comments and reads LF….better sooner than later.

Great article M. L.!

I think we all have found that our “warnings” are heeded or unheeded depending on the “stage” in which the victim is at the time they receive the warning.

I was personaly warned about two Ps, one a potential boss (but I went to work for her anyway) and one a potential business partner (I went ahead with the deal anyway) and in both cases I was already too far down the line to “believe” and in both cases, I got burned.

Warning someone who is “receptive” to your warning I think does good, but if the person is not receptive, then it is a “waste of time” at first, but in time, they will see that you were right. Maybe it will resonate in the back of their mind when they see red flags. I only worked for the woman 6 months before her psychopathic power trip showed it’s ugly face, and then I remembered the warning, and resigned that very day. Maybe without the warning I would have tried to stay there and “work it out.”

After the woman received my written resignation, she came to me and wanted to “talk”—trying to hook me back in, as she had so many others in the facility–she hadn’t expected that I would actually resign–my reply was “you said enough yesterday, we no longer need to talk” (or words to that effect). I felt so powerful in that reply. I was powerful in that reply. I was fortunate enough, though, that I COULD resign and not “worry” about losing such a high paying, high status position with her as my boss. I found out later that she had done the same thing (control outburst) to everyone there at least once, to get her power position beaten into their minds, and few if any were in a position to tell her to “go to hell.” Fortunately,, I was. It did cost me financially, but in the end, it was a blessing from God as my next position allowed me much more time with my family, though not as much financially—but it was a trade off I was glad to make.

I don’t ever expect to be in a position to have to warn others about the my X-Ps, but if the person is receptive I will give them a heads up, but I think I won’t go out of my way to find his current victims, but if per chance they are “in range” I will warn them, but not out of vindictiveness, because I no longer feel vindictive toward the Ps, but out of concern for the victim or potential victim.

I am purposefully not telling the lady who cheated on me with my ex when I was pregnant what she is dealing with. She was well aware of me during the event. I have even had the opportunity to tell her, as she has writen to me recently. I am not telling her for a couple of reasons. One, I am vindictive towards her and not talking about what I know is the best revenge. Two, I would like to keep him busy so he leaves me alone and she helps facilitate this. It is terribly selfish, I know. I even hope he proposes to her, it is just horrible these hopes!lol But if I told her, she would probably just call me bitter and not listen. I know I am not a sociopath though, because I really do feel bad for what she is going through and for what is coming her way. I am still not going to warn her though. If I thought her life was in danger, I would warn her. I don’t think he is blood thirsty. It is all emotional abuse. She was super selfish when it came to my well being, and I grant her the same respect.

Bird,
I have to say, I feel the same way you do about his new gf. She knew about me way before I knew about her and did not care if I got hurt. I agree, I will “grant her with the same respect”!

Oh, that sounded contridictory, the ONE person I tried to “help see the light of his evil ways” was his hairdresser who I thought was my friend. (come to find out, he slept with her too) No more.

Well, I understand wanting to keep them busy and out of our hair. And trying to help the next victim can backfire on us as some will try to file claims against us for defamation of character or some other BS.

But, I do know for sure that the next victim is “under the spell” of the pathological person. A picture has almost always been painted of us as an unstable psycho trying to ruin his life.

Once upon a time, I was the girl that believed that I understood the Bad Man so much more than his ex-wife or the other girls and blah blah. I was that girl once.

Being under the spell is awfully powerful.

I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did but also, I can not sacrifice my own hard earned well being to save someone.

I guess I am right on the fence. I see both sides.

i agree with you all on this. (M)’s new victim knew about me. I did shoot back a them once and warned the new guy what he was dealing with. But did he care? no They deserve what’s coming. And if down the road when this new guy becomes a victim and ever approaches me I will say I tried to warn you but I wont offer and sympathy

and = any

I have no desire to seek him out and confront him. No desire to try and make him understand. Because I know he never will. But if he shows up here ever again – I will hurt him BAD

I got this gift too. I saw a simple ad on Craigslist asking if anyone had had problems with a man that was posting on CL. If so, she wanted to let people know their rights on Internet harassment.

I sent her a note with one sentence. “Was it J. W.?”

She immediately affirmed and within minutes, we were talking. I, in Santa Cruz and a new LF reader, and she in Oahu, still in shock after her run in with Bad Man. She got off easy. She only spent a weekend with him but it had quite a traumatic finish and she was rattled.

She was the first one I was in touch with and helped.

The thing is, most of the time, all we can do is plant a seed that something might be wrong and maybe toss out the words “personality disorder” and “no cure.” Maybe “run like hell” would be good too but if they are in the honeymoon stage, we know how well that will work.

I have warned many about my P. None of them were in real danger of being romantically ensnared by him but they could have been scammed by him and the OW.
I am sure now that it was partly out of revenge – I wanted the whole world to know what they had done to me and for the first year I struggled with overwhelming rage and frustration because they had ‘got away with it’. The OW has now left the country and he is working a distance away from my home so the constant reminders are not there. I do get seizures from time to time about wanting revenge but the difference now is that I can see that I don’t need that anymore. They failed to destroy me and my family and we are happy again. Knowing that will be the greatest punishment for both of them.
Having said all that, I also feel very strongly that it was my duty to warn people as this was not a case of ‘falling out’ with someone or a question of something backfiring on me . It goes much deeper than that – they are criminals who will destroy lives. If I hung onto the information I would have to live with the fact that it will happen to someone else, without the information, others would have no chance of protecting themselves. I don’t kid myself that everyone will want to believe me but at least I have given them the knowledge to make their own decision.
I want my children to live in a civilised society, part of that is taking responsibility for passing on information where danger to lives is concerned regardless of what the reaction is.
This is my personal opinion and I would never blame anyone for choosing to say nothing. We have all been battered enough and that last thing we need to is to be ridiculed and victimised again. How we deal with telling others must be secondary to our own healing.
Swallow

I just saw this quote on the narcissisticpersonalitydisorder at MSN.com and I really feel it is appropriate, it is exactly how I feel.

“When a women steals your man, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.” Sacha Guitry

very good Bird— I bet someone could make a country song with that quote…….

I tried to warn the 1st one that came after me. She just thought I was jealous and vindictive and wanted him back. Not only did she not believe me but from then on she joined him in his campaign of abuse against me. We all lived in the same area at the time and the S and I have a son together. I was still allowing access to my son then and so we all had regular contact with each other. She helped make my life hell for 4 months. Then she started to back off. Why? Because he was starting to do the things to her that he had done to me. She could see that what I had said in the beginning was true.

By 6 months the relationship was over. In that short period of time she had lost £10,000, been beaten up several times, been cheated on, been lied to (constantly) and been left alone to fend for herself in a foreign country. He had destroyed her passport in a fit of rage on the last day of a holiday that she had paid for and then he’d flown home alone and just left her there.

Warning her did not save her from what she went through. Warning her made MY life worse. If I’d said nothing in the 1st place then maybe I’d have saved myself from the 4 months of abuse that she gave me. So now I don’t warn them. I used to worry about this, I used to feel guilty that I was doing nothing. Not now though. I’ve toughened up a bit. I’ve stopped banging my head against a brick wall. Sadly, these women have to find out for themselves like I did. I just hope that one of these days one of them will actually report him for his violence and have the nerve to go through with a prosecution and get him put away. If the time ever comes when I’m asked to give evidence in a court of law to help get him convicted then I’ll be there without hesitation. But trying to warn beforehand is a waste of time in my experience.

Henry-that’s funny lol Some men are worth trying to steal. Not my ex sociopath though:)

Uksurvivor – I think if I were to write back to the other women, I would have the same experience of continued abuse. From the moment she entered my life she has contributed to the abuse. I don’t know why it would stop now.

Hello all, From my perspective I think a person who is asking about red flags while exposed to a P, as in Mary’s post should definitley get the benefit of our experience and be directed to LF etc. And in general, when an opportunity arises to discuss the prevalence of P’s on our culture, I think educating gently is VERY good.

But for those who do NOT want to see our warnings we do sound like vindictive bitter ramblings.

In my situation there are a fairly large and very tight knit group of friends that have seen mostly only his good side, admire and respect him, think he is a excellent husband and father, provider etc. And I contributed to these hard held opinions by supporting the LIE while I was with him. Our issues were a “private” matter, and I did not want to offend his ego by letting people know the truth etc. When I occaisonaly did let a close friend know that things were not golden, even tho they love me, they brushed it off as meloncholy on my part or some such. It was recieved as “whiny” and I lived the lie so thouroughly that often when I doubted I accused myself of being “whiny”.

NOW however, after being very tight lipped about the details to my friends for these very reasons, his true character is revealing itself SLOWLY to these people. Several have been burned, or at least the P took a run at burning them. They have seen the light and are VERY wary of his motives.

In short, the truth shall set you free. For 27 years, my presence and support and love for him allowed him to keep the BIG LIE afloat. Having removed myself finally from his fan club, the lie is crumbling at its foundation.

In my breif experience since realizing what a P is and that I have been married to one, I find that people are VERY resistant to believing someone they know and like could be this way.

There is one mutual friend that has been badly burned by my P financially, knows roughly what happened to me, and still clings to the “good in everyone” mantra. That is his firm belief in life and even the P will not change his mind. The friend is on red alert for more con’s but does not see his own vulnerability, still believes there are “limits” to what the P will do.

Time will tell, but I fear the outcome for anyone in the P’s web. Until they have seen the Jekyll they will be at risk from the Mr. Hyde. Having been there it is hard to watch.

“Helping others is not about getting even with the abuser. It’s about ensuring people know their rights, their duty and responsibility to be true to themselves. It’s about helping them understand they have the power to cut the ties that bind them to someone else’s abuse and to help them find their courage to do it.”

Amen that that! Need I say more?

“In today’s environment, hoarding knowledge ultimately erodes your power. If you know something very important, the way to get power is by actually sharing it.” Joseph Bardaracco

Fantastic quote!!! Love it!!!

In fact trying to “warn” the OW or OM of our ex P will only confirm and strengthen their “love” (?) for each other feeling that they need to defend it against the crazy person (us). In fact doing this in their “honeymoon” stage is more like Joshua and the fall of Jericho (Joshua 6:1-20) a undefeatable wall to cross over or breach. Better to wait and see the walls come down in God’s plan and time table. And then when ready and able to “blow one’s horn and shout one’s message”!

I guess Aloha’s stance (straddling the fence) is mine too—I’ve been warned, and didn’t listen. I have warned and was not believed, and in fact, received more persecution for doing the warning, both from the victim and from the psychopath themselves.

There ARE circumstances I would warn, and there are those in which I would NOT warn. I think it is an individual thing of a RISK VS. BENEFIT—both the risk to ourselves and the benefit to ourselves, and the risk vs benefit to the victim we are trying to warn, as well as the RECEPTIVE MODE of the victim.

In Bird’s case, this woman KNEW what she was doing, therefore you can say—any woman who will “steal” a man away from his pregnant woman deserves what she gets—a man who would abandon his own child and the woman who was carrying it. That woman got what she asked for—a psychopath. Bird has Birdie to protect, and Bird’s responsibility is FIRST and foremost to Birdie, then herself. She has NO responsibility in my mind at least to this other woman, to protect her and surely none to the P himself.

I FELT that I had a “duty” to protect my mother if I could possibly do so at all. I tried to warn her. I got abuse for my trouble. I KNEW (but could not prove) that my son C’s wife and the Trojan Horse P were having an affair, and I DID NOT warm my son C because I KNEW he would not listen. When he found out about the affair, he also tried to “cover it up” by not revealing it to the rest of the family, just as others HELP THE P KEEP THE LIE GOING. It almost cost him his life to do so. But I don’t feel guilty for not warning him, he would not have listened, even after he found out himself, he tried to “fix” it.

So I think to “warn or not” depends on lots of issues on each individual case. But to try to “rescue” someone who doesn’t WANT to be rescued, is futile and injurious to ourselves.

The way Aloha and ML did it, though, just helps these people validate what they are already knowing or suspecting.

This is the frist time that I have posted ,Ive been reading this
blog for the past year ….

I was involved with a man for 7 and 1/2 years anythiing dirty in a relationship I was dealt it lies cheating humiliation it was
a roller coaster ride when things were good , the man is a text book P…..I have been NC for about 9 months .

Blondie , I know how you feel ,I was there , but hang in there
it gets better , keep your friends close and stay busy ….

Love yourself….love your kids ….love life ….take care of you
This blog has been great on my jouney of recovery and everone who post here, are wounderful caring people I want to thank yu all yous have been a great help to me..thanks again

i went out this weekend with some old friends. the friends ive missed since dating the x. they have missed me as well. is it normal for me to feel odd? i just feel like im just going thur life with no direction. just out of place. dont know where i fit in. i dont really know how to move forward and stop thinking about my life with the x. i feel like im missing out. i feel like im never going to move forward. i feel like im the person who lost out. this relationship has really effected me to the core. it changed the way i feel about me, my life and the world. i never ever once dated a guy who cheated on me and hurt me so much.

lost and searching blondie

Dear Blondie,

I’m glad you were brave enough to go out with some old friends. That shows you are taking some inititive to get out and about! Great! I’m sure they were glad to see you back!

Sure, your friends are somewhat different than they were. While we are “gone” from our old friends, they grow and move on with their lives. It is like being gone from your home town and you remember exactly how it was, but five years later (or however long) you go back and realize it has changed, grown, and is not the “same” town you remembered. BUT, let’s say you moved back there, you would soon get used to the “new” things about your “old” home town.

Of course you aren’t the “same” as before the P—you have been injured, your “dreams” have been shattered—BUT, and this is a GOOD BUT, now you too can grow and move on.

Now you are no longer held down by the P and you can spread your wings and fly! You are WISER now, and still hurting some, true, but strike out in a direction—ANY direction for now will do! MOVE GIRLFRIEND! MOVE back toward your old friends and you will fit in, or make new friends, but MOVE OFF IN ANY DIRECTION YOU CHOOSE—and you will find a niche. If you sit still, the world moves around you, so get out and MOVE WITH IT! You’re on the road! And right now it’s rocky, but hang tough darlin’ I’m proud of you for recognizing your fears, that’s the first step in conqueoring them!! (((Big Hugs)))))

Blondie,

Your experience is very normal. Re-engaging with friends after what you’ve been through is going to feel uncomfortable at first. In time, as Oxy said, it will change. You will start identifying less with the S and your pain as you move forward. It will come. Just allow it to do so and don’t rush it or judge it. Just keep moving along knowing you are OK with what you’re going through.

The feelings of thinking you’re missing out is not uncommon either. But please know that you’re not missing out on the relationship with the S which will forever be abusive and a total mind game. Good times, or what we think are good, come with a huge price that no one can sustain without injury. Good times comes from an illusion. Reality kicks in and we know that no one will ever be happy with an S in their lives. That relationship will never be healthy or good. They will not be faithful, will demand that you live for them, and they will tear you apart mentally and/or physically. The late wife of my S died young from cancer. No coincidence. He was a horrid husband and admitted this while blaming her for his behavior. He even blamed her for dying saying that she didn’t love him. How distrubing can you get?

Please know that what you’re feeling is normal following your expereince. In trauma we disengage from others as our mind is working through what we’ve just experienced. In time as you re-engage socially you will start to see things differently. I have never had such an impact from a relationship myself. I even told the S this when he blamed me. He was trying to say it was all me. Nope. I’ve had bad relationships like this before but none of them made me suicidal or caused so much confusion or mental anguish. I don’t normally walk out of relationships with PTSD LOL! If it was me that was abusive, he would be the one with the diagnosis!

Hold on Blondie and remember NC will keep you in the pain. The more distance you have, the more your perspective WILL change and you’ll start to feel and see things differently.

Taken, welcome to LF and thanks for posting. As you shared, this site has been such as asset in my recovery as well. Like you, I read for a long time before posting and sharing. I’m sorry to hear about your ordeal with the P. It is such a roller coaster, so true.

Way to go with 9 months of NC! You have such great advice to share to all of us. Loving yourself is so key isn’t it? Please continue to share as you see see fit. Hearing from others who are going through this is so valuable. Everyone has something unique to all of us in our recovery.

Dear Taken,

I second the welcome from Takingmeback! Glad to have you here and glad that you now feel comfortable to post and share with us. WAY TO GO on NC!!! 9 months is a good long time!

i hope you guys are right about my feelings. i hope my perspective does change. i also have never had a realationship affect me so bad, and leave me with PTSD. i know that he is bad for me, and that relationship is bad and toxic. i think sometimes i sabotage my own life. i just image my x moving on with his life, just happy always with all these friends, and new g/f feeling no pain what so ever. sometimes i just dont understand why he has all these friends and me the good soul struggles. like im the fool for leaving him, when i know thats completly false.

Blondie,
It is taking me a lot of time to get back out there too. I was huge as a house with pregnancy and feeling really vulnerable, so I didn’t get out there at first. I am starting to get out there too now, and it really does feel ackward.

The thing that has been bothering me lately is my obsession with sociopaths and my ex. I kept banging my head against the wall saying to myself, “it has been 4 months, why am I still thinking about this! Have I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in my 30s?” It has really been bothering me, I have even discussed it with my mother. Then last night I was looking around narcissisticpersonalitydisorder at MSN.com. It actually has an area on obsessive thinking!

http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/obsessivethinking.msnw

I read it and interpreted it that the obsessive thoughts are caused because we were living in a lie for so long. The obsessive thinking is allowing the new information of the truth to fully incorporate, while the lies are fully expelled. As soon as our thinking incorporates all the new information and expells the old, the obsessing will stop.

Here I thought that something was wrong with me. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stop thinking about it after all this time. I have never had obsessive thoughts about an ex for THIS LONG! And then I stumbled across the link last night. And I cried for the first time in a long while. Because I am not going crazy, it is just apart of the healing. I just wish my brain would absorb all the new information a little quicker! I am sick of thinking about this creep and HIS disorder!

hehe thanks bird. its only been 2 months for me so we are in this together. thats exactly how ive been feeling. im going to check out that website you posted. i just want to feel comfortable in my skin again. i want to be comfortable being me again. only time will do that!

Bird — Thank’s so much for sharing that link on obsessive thinking. After four month and 3 years, I still think about him and how he decieved me. It’s 24/7 but beginning to fade in intensity. I really liked the sentence ” It took alot of thinking to fix myself. I do not want to repeat that lesson.” and ” no no no—embrace your anger – vent as you need and use it to empower your escape” thanks Bird!!!

Blondie,
Even now, two and half years on I can still think about it!!! It is perfectly normal. The obsessive thinking is your normal mind trying to logically work out something that defies logic! His behaviour will never make sense.
Do not worry about this thinking and I would advise you not to try and supress it – let the thoughts come and eventually they will fade and not have such a hold over you. As you recover, your mind will automatically be diverted because you are free to do other things. Recovery from emotional abuse takes a long time – 4 months is not a long time plus you have had all the emotional rollercoaster of a pregnancy. You actually deserve a medal for getting through all this!!
You have that beautiful little baby to focus your attention on now so be kind to yourself. You are free from the madness now so don’t set yourself targets for recovery – it will come in it’s own good time.
Swallow

Blondie and Bird, Henry and Swallow,

You know we talk about “time”—a day, a week, a month, a year, etc. but I have come to realize that TIME is not just 60 seconds to a minute, or 60 minutes to an hour, or 7 days in a week. TIME IS RELATIVE.

Remember when we were kids and the first year of school was SOOOOOOO LOOOOONG? Remember when the two weeks before Christmas was the longest period of time you ever lived through?

For those of you who were mothers, and when you were in LABOR, it was FORE*V*E*R! LOL

I look back to when my husband died four years and a month ago and it seems like BOTH “Yesterday” AND “a million years ago.”

Back during the “Summer of Chaos” (last year) it seems now so long ago, and yet, in many ways, like it happened yesterday. Time is relative to how we feel, are we enjoying ourselves, are we in pain? It isn’t just the ticking of the clock.

For some people who don’t heal, the PAIN DOES GO ON FOREVER, because they don’t let go of it, they don’t feel it, they just suppress it or forcus on it forever. I’ve known people who never got over the death of a spouse, or a child, or the loss of this or that! Because they couldn’t accept the past, they couldn’t or wouldn’t work through the pain. They AVOIDED facing it. It is only by facing it, admitting it, and not worrying about the clock or the calendar or “time” but just healing til we are healed.

My son D and I have a friend, who is 50 years old. He fell off a mountain when he was 17 and shattered his spine. He’s had 19 surgeries since then, some more or less successful, but he has lost not only his physical mobility, but he has refused to accept it. I worked with people with spinal cord injuries for about 5 years, and I have seen people who were paralyzed from the neck down live HAPPY SUCCESSFUL LIVES even though they can’t move anything above their chin, or feel anything below their chin. I have seen other people who only had a small limp let that small limp paralyze their SOULS, They never got over the fact that they couldn’t run in the Olympics or whatever. Because they lost “one thing” they forgot about all the OTHER THINGS THEY COULD DO. They didn’t appreciate the OTHER BLESSINGS that they did have.

Mine and my son’s friend is going down hill now on a bobsled at Olympic speeds because he still after all these years is refusing to face his injury, he is not appreciating the blessings he does have, a keen wit, a bright mind and he isn’t totally paralyzed by any means. So, he sits and feels sorry for himself, and stays blathered in a Marijuana fog unwilling to count his blessings for the things he does have, wasting his life in one long pity party. We tried to help him and his wife, and they turned it into “enabling” so we had to back off, and let them go their way. Both my son and I are saddened that it has come to this point, but there isn’t any way that we can rescue someone from themselves.

We here at LF support each other, but in the end, we all have to do our own healing in our own time. We can acknowledge and validate each other’s feelings, and we can “boot each other in the butt” from time to time (with love, not abuse!) but it is up to us to HEAL OURSELVES. It’s like child birth, no matter how much I love you, if you are the pregnant one, it is your experience, not mine, and you are the one that has to pant and push, and the “time” (whether it is 6 minutes or 6 days) that you are in labor is the longest time in the world! (I bet Bird can relate to that pretty well!)

I feel honored to be here with such a wonderful group of people who are a “village” and a “community”—shucks, I better quit before I get to “crying in my beer” (and considering I haven’t had any alocohol to drink I can’t even use that as an excuse for being sentimental) HUGS

Taken,

YAY! Hi! Thanks for saying hello and congratulations on being NC for 9 months.

That is awesome! I am doing a little cheer for you now.

Aloha

@ Taken

Welcome from me too. Like you, I have also found this site to be a source of inspiration and support. Good for you for being NC for 9 months – that takes guts girl!

@ Blondie

It’s been 3 months for me and what a 3 months its been. I went from incandescent rage to a weird state of calm back to anger and frustration…but always wanting revenge. Thankfully the thirst for revenge has abated somewhat – I still want him to suffer (lol) but I’m no longer actively making plans to make that happen.

I know what you mean about “not fitting in”. That’s how I feel right now. I’ve kept family and old friends at a distance for the past month or so and at first I felt really guilty about that – after all, it wasn’t their fault. Now I don’t think I feel guilty any more. I’ve accepted the fact that the ex-P did a huge amount of damage in my life and I have to concentrate on me and what I can do to heal myself.

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Your life was turned upside and it’s natural to feel at a loss. You need time and support and lots of TLC.

@ Whoever is interested (lol)

I must admit, I went a little wild after I found out the truth about my ex-P. I suppose I needed to prove a man could still want me because I was desirable and not because I was a meal ticket. Also, I wanted to be distracted from the pain I was going through. I briefly reunited with two ex-lovers (both can be classified as “friends with benefits). With hindsight I realised that was not a good idea. The experience left me feeling empty and dispirited (the sex was physically great but there was zero emotional satisfaction).

I made a decision about a week ago – no more lovers / friends with benefits, no dates and not even flirting. I need time to myself, to think and to heal. I can’t do that if I’m distracting myself with meaningless liaisons. As soon as I made the decision it felt like a piece had clicked into place. I felt lighter and had the first sense of peace I’ve felt in a very long time.

This weekend, for the first time in ages, I tackled my housework with an enthusiasm and vigour I haven’t felt in a very long time. I threw out much of the clutter I’d allowed to build up and I made plans to brighten up my home…something I just haven’t had the energy for before.

For the first time I truly feel I’m on the path to healing.

odette I am interested thanks for your post and honesty, I think this website is great for getting thing’s off our chest. We will never meet eye to eye but we all are so familiar in our action’s and reaction’s to the experience with the P. I have done the same thing. I called it revenge sex. I felt like I was using them and left feeling ashamed of myself. But I do understand how a shattered heart will grasp at straw’s, at anything, anyone to feel wanted even if just for one nite. Like you I am being honest with myself and giving myself time to heal. I don’t even have any interest in sex at this point. I dont want revenge, I am the best thing that ever happened to him he just doesnt know that never will…

Dear Odette and Henry,

I think those are very wise decisions—concentrating on YOURSELVES and your healing. Having relationships of any kind at this point just distract you from the point of all that’s happened, and the healing that we all need to do. The time will come when you are “ready”—and when that time is right you will be READY for a good relationship. No baggage, no pain. ((((hugs))))

Thanks again ,for your welcome , its home away from home.
LOL
I have had 3 p’s in my life and I have learned my lessons ,and I am very emotionaly tired ….I do’nt know how long the healing will take for me but I’m willing do do the work …Im just enjoying my home and kids as they are older and very supportive of me …..we all long for someone to love and love us back and the aboandoment was something I struggled with and still and working on that but I know that you have to clear all this garbage to attract someone strong
I think that I’m on he right track but I tell you it is not easy every day brings something new but you just have to work through the ups and downs …its a new day….have a good one

Dear Henry & Oxy

Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. I thought long and hard before making my “confession”. Even though I know that this site is non-judgemental I still worried about what reaction I might get. I’m glad I revealed that about myself. I feel better for it.

Henry…I know exactly what you mean about revenge sex! There was definitely an element of that in my behaviour. He is in prison now so I thought, “here I am having great sex and you’re locked up in prison!”. It was childish but I was reacting emotionally at the time. At least I’m thinking with a clearer head now.

Dear taken

I can’t tell you how much I admire your strength and perseverence. I know how tiring it is, believe me I know. I wish I could do something to make it better for you.

I know you are on the right track. Keep believing in yourself. Your instincts are spot on and you are an example to so many others.

Anyone read “Without Conscience”? im just reading it now, its very good. im in the chapter feelings and relationships. its like exactly like my x. kinda scary. so many of these people out there. i hope i never run into another one in my life. all we want is just a normal realtionship

Who is the author of that book? can I get it at Border’s?

the author is Robert D. Hare, PhD. im almost positive they have it at border’s but i got my online at overstock.com

Everyone,

If you have not read Robert Hare’s “Without Conscience” it is a MUST READ I think about Psychopaths. He did some of the early research (mostly in prisons) and is one of THE experts in Ps. He also developed the Psychopath Check List to “rate” a person’s level of P-traits—-

There are other great books out there on Ps as well, and web sites etc. but I think the primer is Hare’s book, and all the others will ADD to the knowledge from that. My personal copy is so “highlighted” it is almost all YELLOW, GREEN or underlined! I first read this book about 1995, I wish I had applied it to ALL the Ps in my life, it was the thing though that let me do the final healing from my trauma from my P-bio-father and to finally put that monster in the PIT and to get the bitterenss about it that I had held for so long out of my heart.

Copies can be ordered on line for just a couple of bucks in many used book sites. It is a definite “must read” in my mind for everyone—and especially for US who know them so well. It validates our truths.

it sure does validate our truth. it makes it all real for me.

the sociopath next door is another good book.
I didn’t believe my ex was a sociopath at first, because I knew nothing of the disorder. My friend who is a social worker left a copy of it on my counter while the chaos was going on. After the sociopath had left, I read it. That book saved my life. After the sociopath left all I could say in between tears was “what just happened?” And “Why, why, why?” The sociopath next door answered those questions for me.

My “AHA!” moment, was when the author discussed of often hearing sociopaths say that they feel “something missing” in them (page 51:). My ex sociopath had said those very same words to me not even a week prior. It was the smoking gun. The more I read about the disorder, the more it all made sense. Even right up to my current situation of obsessing, and finding out that it is normal to obsess after a run in with a sociopath. If it quacks like a duck…

When I came to the realization about my (ex) husband, I didn’t even think about ‘warning’ his “girlfriend” if you can call her that. She knew he was a cheating liar and apparently she decided to risk it. It certainly didn’t bother her to come into my home and sleep with him in my bed while I was out of town. Besides, how do you warn someone about a sociopath? For all everyone knew of him, he was the nicest, sweetest, most thoughtful man around! He’s a total fake. It was easy for him to start a smear campaign about me because no one knew me. I do wonder what she’s thinking now. He dumped her about 6 girlfriends ago. If I warned the women in his life about him, it would be a full time job!

Bird, my ex used to say the same thing… he felt something missing. I suppose it was your heart, Mr. Tin Man.

A full time job indeed!!!! My X needed Viagra to help him keep going – but there are people everywhere looking for quickies what an empty life… a book that helped me so much was Learning from Madness by richard Skerritt

Dear Used Brauer,

Glad to see you posting again!

Brauer, I think sometimes they pick other personality disordered people for short flings, because no “nice person” would knowingly come into your home and sleep in your bed with your man….when they do pick a “nice person” for a fling they lie and cover up that they are married or whatever.

The Ps are very adaptable! to the situation!!!!

I agree though that with many of these jerks it would be a “full time job” and many times futile. If they have another personality disordered G/B F they person isn’t going to listen, and if they have a “nice person” on the hook, many times by the time we would find out (unless we were stalking them) the hook is SET in deeply and they wouldn’t believe us anyway.

Sometimes I think there should be a book store that sells only books about psychopaths—and we could get “Lucy” to give “psychiatric” counseling for 5 CENTS. LOL Hey, Takingmeback, I just found you a job! (that’s kind of an “inside joke”—she is a counselor and we tease her about being like “Lucy”)

The thing that always confused me was the fact that my ex suffered from ED since we met. He has high blood pressure. I will never understand!

I just wish there was a book that would heal my broken heart and stop the nightmares. Sometimes I don’t think I’ll ever recover from the devastation.

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